Great post from HouseofPlane up there.
That is the essence to getting through this whole and with the best outcome possible.
I told her that until she is ready to discuss this honestly, that she needs to stay with her mom who lives close by. She said she didn't do anything wrong and wasn't going anywhere. At that point I lost my cool and told her to GTFO out NOW!
Ok, this is totally understandable. We’ve all been there, it’s incredibly infuriating to be lied to, gaslighted, disrespected, treated like a fool, but…
And this is coming from a kindred spirit who’s made all the mistakes you could possibly make…
You, need to throw every bit of will power you can muster into maintaining the best semblance of composure you possibly can when in her presence. It’s ok to be angry. Use that anger constructively, carefully tactically, deftly. She’s already one step ahead of you. BS’s always start out at a disadvantage and have to play catch-up.
From now on, try not to act or speak on impulse. Think and plan for every confrontation you have with her. This is a highly volatile situation, emotions are pegged.
You have no control over her. In most situations, you legally cannot tell your spouse to "GTFO out Now!" She called you on that and it probably stung pretty good when she sauntered up the stairs with a bowl of cereal to watch TV.
Read up on "The Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of this forum to help you skillfully navigate this shit storm and maintain your agency and your dignity. Read through "The Healing Library". Catch up on the excellent posts contributed to your thread.
Getting information from her is going to take delicate finesse and skilled interrogation techniques. I think you’ll find that if she’s compelled to reconcile, genuinely, wholistically reconcile, she will naturally be compelled to tell the truth, without the rubber hose. You can’t come at her hot and unprepared. Create a safe environment for her to open up. Insinuate that you know more than you actually do. Don’t ever reveal how much you know and don’t know. Don’t ever reveal your sources. Ask questions as if you already know the answers.
Let her know, that if there’s a chance for R, it will be paved with truth. Let her know that trust re-building starts now and every lie, every omission, every minimization is a major setback to trust rebuilding.
If you’re too angry to compose yourself, take some alone time somewhere separate from her, preferably in your home. Write your questions down and try to anticipate how she might respond, how she might evade.
Also in preparation, gather enough evidence to confront from a position of strength with confidence. The evidence you already have is pretty damn good, but try to anticipate her maneuvers around the truth and gather more evidence if possible.
You have zero control over her but, you do have 100% control over you and, that’s all you you’re going to need. You can’t control her and, you don’t want to. If reconciliation is in your future, SHE will initiate and execute that campaign. If further infidelity is in your future, YOU will be responsible for getting yourself out of it and will have all the power to do so.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:40 AM, Friday, November 11th]