SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I was directed here by some reddit users. My wife came home last night with the low air pressure light on in her car. A pumped it up this morning before work and directed her to go straight to the tire center before work (opens at 8am) not far from our home. I work as a mobile tech and had a 7:30am appointment. My appointment ended up getting cancelled, so I was free until 9am and decided to head over to the tire center and see how things were going.

I arrived at around 8:15 and could see her car already in a service bay. I went inside and she was not there. I called her phone and she answered and when I asked where she was, she said "at the tire place". When I said that I was there, she got real quiet and said that her co-worker had brought her breakfast and she was eating with them. I looked around the parking lot and could see a truck parked far away in the corner, and then the door opened and my wife got out. Seconds later the truck sped by me with some guy driving and my wife was doing what looked like the walk of shame.

I asked her who TF was that?, and she said it was a guy that she works with who she is working on a project with and when she called him to tell him she would be in a little late he said that he was in the area and brought her breakfast. I asker her why they were parked so far away and she didn't really have an answer. Her body language was way off and she seemed spooked by the whole thing. I was pissed and got back in my work van and left. Then I started looking at our phone records online and it looks like the two of them have been having long conversations every morning on the way to work and on the way home. Hours of calls and thousands of texts in the last month.

I cancelled all of my appointments and went home sick, and have been researching this guy all day. He's 52 married, and does work at her job. We are both 49, married for 22 years and have two teenagers. I called her at this afternoon and asked her "what is going on with this guy" and "why are you calling him and texting him constantly?". She said that she didn't have time for this bullshit and would see me when she gets home. She will be home in about an hour and and I'm not sure what is the best way to approach her. I tend to worked up and don't want to end up driving to this guys house in a rage.

She's having an affair. You caught her. If he was just a friend,she wouldn't have looked ashamed,and he wouldn't have taken off.

You can bet by the time she gets home,her messages will be deleted. Take the phone anyway. There is software that can retrieve deleted texts.

She hurried off the phone,when you called, to run to him so the two of them could come up with a story you might buy.

She will probably tell you he's a friend going through a hard time,and she's being a good friend to him.

Don't confront him. You will wind up in jail. She will then tell everyone how violent and crazy you are.

Before she gets home, get a voice activated recorder. Cheating wives like to call in a false DV claim when they're caught.

It might be a good idea to call his wife, and tell her you caught them this morning, and about all of the messages and calls. Get to her,before your wife realizes you aren't going to believe her lies. Otherwise, he will tell his wife you are crazy,abusive, and accusing all of your wife's male friends of having an affair with her. Then his wife won't listen.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:43 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

I have to say I agree with Hellfire.
I think you know as well. Whether its a PA or EA, she's not on the up and up here.
Just know you WILL get all kinds of shit from her, so dont let her gaslight you. You'll be knee deep in liars BS before you know it.
Really consider following Hellfires advice.

Jensen, So sorry you found yourself here , on SI

Other members will hopefully jump too to help and provide advise.

Few thoughts to be ready when you meet your wife at home:

1. Her inappropriate behavior is not your fault

2. Record the whole conversation from the start. This is also useful in case domestic violence blaming comes up.

3. Ask her to give you her phone. But she may have cleaned it up before coming back home.

4. Consider contacting OBS (other betrayed spouse) as you already researched this guy. Don't tell you wide about this.

Observe her reaction: gaslighting, minimizing, blame shifting, etc.

Good Luck!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 10:10 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

I second everything HellFire said. Call his wife NOW before your wife gets home if possible. Just share everything you know so far including finding them together this morning.

It’s very likely that they’re having an affair, an emotional affair headed towards more at the very least.

I’m sorry you’re here. Record your conversation with her. Try to not say too much. Let her talk herself into a corner.

More support will come. Don’t tell her about this site. Keep it as your safe space.

Keeping good thoughts for you. The first confrontation is horrible and earth shattering.

Oh I’m sorry this happened. She is working on damage control right now. Notify his wife ASAP and do not tell your wife. Don’t tell your wife how much or what you know she needs to tell you. Check all the bank and credit card statements. Take an old phone or tablet and login to her phone account. If she is deleting things her last backup should be in the cloud. Whatever you do record the confrontation because a lot of times they will try to have you arrested.

Best Wishes and when she starts the manipulation show come back here, we’ve seen it thousands of times.

People will be along shortly to give further advice. You have lots of red flags here. The continuous texts indicates a relationship. At least an emotional one. Her response from
your phone call also speaks volumes.

Denial will appear to be her major tactic. She will downplay all the evidence that you have so far and unfortunately, you confronting her now, gives her time to delete things.

You are going to have to shake the tree to see what drops. Demand her phone, and say that you will have it forensically examined to have all correspondence retrieved.

Also look up the '180' on here, and start using it. This is to help develop emotional distance so that you can see more clearly.

At this point, we await what happens after she gets home.

First off, so sorry you are here. The anxiety and fear you are feeling now is brutal.

Secondly, what you saw is highly indicative of an affair. Particularly, the phone bill. That's how I uncovered my husband's affair.

Thirdly, her reactions (the walk of shame, the discomfort and then the "I don't have time for this shit!") are not good signs either. Most people would rush to comfort their spouse in those situations. Defensiveness is a sign of lying.

So now you are in discovery / investigation mode. She should hand over her phone at your request. She's likely cleaned it before coming home but check it still. Look for apps like WhatsApp, SnapChat and all host of others that allow texting or dm'ing without it appearing on a phone bill.

A VAR in her car might yield results if you do it quickly. Although now that she knows you're watching the phone bill, she might only talk to him at work.

Remain calm. Tell her that you want to trust her but you're going to need proof of life here given her extensive contact and behavior.

It's a super tough spot. Cheaters lie. Every. Single. One. of. Them. And they lie a lot. Then they lie some more. On the other hand, you want to trust and believe the person you love and you certainly don't want to hurl false accusations at her. But your gut is screaming and 99.9% of the time, our guts are correct.

Good luck to you.

Get her phone and lock yourself in the bathroom to read their texts (if she hasn't deleted them already), if it's password protected tell her she's got 10 seconds to unlock it and that the M hangs in the balance. Also inform his wife of their inappropriate relationship (his wife may have access to the same texts between him and your WW messages). Let us know how it goes so that you could receive more advice.

I think you have received great advice so far. She was having an emotional affair and probably a physical affair. Contact her affair partners wife as soon as you can. Also let a few close friends / family know what is going on so you have a support network. Nothing kills an affair faster than exposure.
Expect her to deny, minimize and call you insecure and or controlling. This is standard cheaters actions when caught. Expect that all their text conversations will be deleted. These are all actions that guilty people use.
Get tested for STDs and tell her to do the same. Consider moving her out of your bedroom for now. Give yourself plenty of time to make any big decisions. Keep posting here. You will get great support and advice.

Consider where her text messages may be backed up (is there a synced iPad? A laptop? The Cloud?) and access them as quickly as possible. Take screen shots of EVERYTHING including phone records, etc., as quickly as possible. If she is cheating, she will try to delete them as quickly as possible.

And again, contact the other spouse ASAP. HE will likely try to get rid of evidence too, but she may have access to backups and secondary sources too. Get to her before they can coordinate their stories if possible.

You’re going to get a lot of advise and support here. It can be hard to process and filter right now. Take what you need and leave the rest for now.

This is a critical period when you have the best chance of getting the most information before it can be destroyed and while it is fresh. It’s really important to try to keep your wits about you.

And yeah, I know exactly how hard that is to do in this situation. Sending you strength and support.

Unless there is distance, affairs are almost always physical. They're adults. They're attracted to each other, and believe they have feelings for each other. They behaved as adults in that situation behave. And married men very rarely get involved with married women to call and message. They're in it for the sex.

No, we don’t know if she’s having an affair.
One fault with this site is that if you are a hammer then everything looks like a nail. I have training in investigating and a key-factor is to NOT jump to conclusions, no matter how obvious things might seem.
However… EVERYTHING in your story and in her actions strongly support something is going on, and that "something" is possibly (and even likely) an affair.

What your story tells me is that you need to investigate. Need to know what’s going on.

Any accusations or confrontations you might grab to now will probably backfire. The possible OM can explain to his wife how your WW was dealing with a jealous and controlling husband, how they are just friends and nothing more than breakfast and friend-talk. Your wife can deny and all you have is that her colleague and her talk a lot (explained by planning the work-day) and once shared breakfast. It’s not enough. It won’t convince his wife.

DO NOT let her in on that you know. Don’t ask her about all the calls to this man. The calls are your key to the truth. They need to communicate and it seems they are using the most common time affair partners find to communicate: the commute to and from work.

Go get a digital voice-activated recorder. Go to a local store and pay cash. Get an old-school corded headphone (you only need the cord per se – place the pin in the jack of the recorder and then cut the cord close to the pin, this is only done to eliminate any beeps and clicks). Place it in the pouch behind the drivers or passenger seat or hide it somewhere under the passenger seat. It’s 99% that they will phone tomorrow because the OM will want to know what happened when she got home.

Whatever’s happening is happening. Whether it carries on for a day or two longer isn’t the issue. Having enough to get a good picture of what’s going on is better.

Jensen -

I'm so sorry to say, but your wife is having an affair. At least emotional, but as you caught them, it's clear they know how to make opportunities to be alone together, and without you having a clue, so the affair is likely physical as well. You may say, but she doesn't have the time. Cheaters make time, during lunch, during the time she says she's doing OT, taking days off together, while you're sleeping etc. Her body language, not introducing you two, him speeding off like Speedy Gonzalez, and her defensiveness over the phone, all hallmarks of cheating. The problem is she's probably already deleted all of their communication. And have concocted their stories together. It comes down to this, are comfortable enough with what you know to confront her for cheating? Because cheaters LIE, they rarely admit to it immediately. And if they admit to anything, they'll only admit to what you already know. She she may be willing to admit she's been talking to this guy too much and nothing more. And if you find anymore evidence, she'll admit to that little bit, and nothing more. Cheaters trickle truth, tell you a little at a time (i.e. confessing to only kissing once, then admit to groping, then admit to oral sex etc etc.) Unfortunately it's unlikely you'll ever know it all. Some betrayed spouses are still learning more about affairs from 20 years ago. Cheaters very often will deny it even with irrefutable proof, a video of them having sex in 4K and still deny it was them. Based on your wife's reaction over the phone, she's likely more prone to deny deny deny. Cheaters do advise each other to deny deny deny. It's about what you prefer, for me, catching them in their little private corner of the parking lot, her attitude over the phone and the phone records would be enough for me to be in a lawyer's office.

If you don't feel that you need more evidence, follow Hellfire's advice. And let me add to it, you may want to also consider telling the people closest to you about what's going on because it's not uncommon for cheaters to rewrite your entire marriage and lie and tell people you are abusive, possessive, controlling etc. to cover their own arses and to justify cheating in the first place. And start seeing lawyers asap to hopefully be a step ahead and start protecting yourself.

If what you've found isn't enough for you to accept she's cheating, then follow Bigger's advice. I can understand you may want more. But keep in mind, life isn't a court of law, you don't need a smoking gun, you don't need hardcore proof (i.e. photos etc) unless you live in a jurisdiction that has at fault divorce. If you have the means, you can hire a PI. This group of helpful misfits can advise you further after you talk to her tonite depending on what happens. Good luck.

Well, I didn't have time to see your comments before she got home. She surprised me and came home an hour and a half early. She tried playing it off and asked me "what is it that has you so worked up?" I explained that whatever is going on, is ending today. I asked how many times they have met out side of work and why are you having hours of conversations after and before work hours?

She then said that she is just friends with the guy and they have been working closely over the past few weeks and she didn't mention him to me because she knew that I would not like them talking after hours. I asked to see her phone and she handed it right over. I opened it and all the calls and messages were gone. She said that she just wanted to "erase the whole thing if your going to get so upset about it".

I told her that erasing the messages, proved that there were things that she didn't want me to see. I told her to text him right now and have him send the texts and she refused. She was trying to be tough, but I could actually see her trembling as we talked. I told her that until she is ready to discuss this honestly, that she needs to stay with her mom who lives close by. She said she didn't do anything wrong and wasn't going anywhere. At that point I lost my cool and told her to GTFO out NOW! She grabbed a few things and took off out the door.

She has text a few times claiming "it does look bad but its not what you think". I told her not to come home until she can fix what she has done. I will try to get a VAR tomorrow and maybe contact this guy.

[This message edited by Jensen4321 at 12:03 AM, Friday, November 11th]

she didn't mention him to me because she knew that I would not like them talking after hours.

And that right there is infidelity.

Do try and contact the OBS to let her know what you have seen. She deserves to know and she can ask questions from her side.

You handled this very well. Like most cheaters, she knows she has been caught, but she will deny, deny, deny. She deleted everything because the texts clearly would not have supported her story. If they did she would have kept them and she would have wanted to show them to you. In the short term she is likely to only admit to things you already know - example - it doesn't look good.
Stay strong. Always present a firm confident front to her. Do your best to not get angry or emotional in front of her. There are technical people that may be able to retrieve the texts. See if you can find one near you. Ask her for her phone again. Tell her you want to see if you missed anything. If she gives it to you, keep hold of it and tell her you are going to run text recovery software on it and watch her reaction.
Tell her that if she wants to pursue the other relationship, she is free to do so and you will start divorce proceedings. If she wants to save the marriage, complete honesty is the only way.
You can be very confident that she was cheating. You just don't know the extent. Never accept any blame. Her cheating is all on her. If she won't admit to the full extent of it, she will never be a safe partner for you. Ask her for a written timeline of their relationship - even if it was just a friendship. Tell her she must identify all the instances where they were alone together. Tell her that the timeline will be verified by a polygraph test.
Get tested for STDs. Tell her she must as well. She will probably strongly object, but she has proven that her words can't be trusted.
If you contact the other man, tell him that if he doesn't come completely clean, you will go straight to his wife.

Jensen,

Go to OMW immediately.

OM will then throw your WW under the bus and blame your WW for seducing him and you will have your answer.

What I suspect you will find is a woman who is sick of her serial cheating husband and she will confirm that your WW is just one of a number of women he cheated with.

Your WW needs to provide you with a timeline subject to a polygraph.

You need to speak with the other spouse before the OM and WW create a story where you are the crazy jealous husband and OM was helping your WW with her marriage or some other mentally marginal fabrication.