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Newest Member: Unsureofhope

Just Found Out :
I have OW's number

Topic is Sleeping.

 smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 9:39 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

So, I have OW's number.

It's been 6 months since DDay. The only reason I haven't attempted to contact her before now is the worry that she will do/post something that will mean my children/family find out what happened.

Why am I so convinced that contacting her will do any good? I honestly have no idea. My logical and (vaguely) sensible side knows that she will either blank/block me or just lie. How can have any belief that she will tell me anything to help or indeed anything that is truthful?

I want to know what was said about me and my family. WH says that it was a no go area and they never spoke about me. I don't know how this can be the case with someone you are having a 'relationship' with for 5 months. I want to know how OW could live with herself knowing full well from the start that WH was married with 4 kids. Did she really think that she would end up with a happy ever after when he had told her that he would never leave his family?

Did she think that when she told him she loved him and he said the same that it was real? My perceptions of love have certainly changed since DDay but did she really think that going home to the wife at the weekends was love...?

Has anyone ever contacted the AP and they have shown any kind of remorse? I am thinking that it is very rare.

Need to get this rabbit hole out of head.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8756634

Ebz40 ( member #80392) posted at 12:33 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I know exactly what you’re going through.

Trust me I know.

Long story short, In May I found out my WH was cheating on me (married for 13 yrs). When I found out I didn’t confront my husband first. I contacted the AP first to get confirmation. She lied and said they were only friends but I could tell from our convo that something more was going on.
I confronted my WH and he denied it. Fast forward a few weeks later, he died. I found out after his death that I was 100% right. He was in fact a serial cheater.

Trust me I wanted to contact the AP on many occasions but always stopped myself (even in recent days).

I know it’s hard but I think what you have to understand is several things: this AP is nothing. She’s not on your level I promise you that. She is insignificant. Whatever your WH said to her is totally irrevelant. You see he is going to tell the AP anything to gain sympathy and play victim even if it means lying about his marriage and family. Please believe me when I say I understand what you’re going through. I even still have my WH cellphone with all the text message exchanges between him and the AP. It’s hurtful I know

My advice is not to contact the AP. If you contact her, she will feel significant and probably get pleasure that she is a thought to you. This will make you feel worse. Think about children. Obviously your WH wasn’t think about anyone of you. When your WH decided to cheat and lie, he is saying that you are not important enough, he doesn’t care about you or your children. Remember cheating is a conscious choice.

Btw no judgment here if you do decide to contact the AP. Just be prepared because I’m almost certain you won’t like the outcome.

Be kind to yourself

posts: 67   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2022   ·   location: None
id 8756666

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I contacted the OW to learn that I had been in false reconciliation for months.

It was a 2 minute conversation. She did say "sorry" but I was not convinced it was sincere.

Long story short when my H went no contact with her she decided to attack me on social media. I refrained from any responses b/c I had children and I was not sure what she would do.

However I got even. I would log into her blog and leave it open for hours. She was convinced by H was doing it and felt like he was "stalking" her.

She shut down her social media and moved far away. She’s married now. I just hope one day some young girl hooks up with her H so she knows what it feels like. She was mad my H did not leave me and lied to her b/c he says he was going to D me and marry her.

I never stopped him. He was free to go and be with her especially after dday2. He chose not to leave but of course she blamed me for that.

Don’t expect remorse from the OW.

Don’t expect an apology from the OW.

Don’t expect her to understand what she did at all.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12823   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756668

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:16 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Never contact your husbands OW and ask her anything about YOU, or YOUR husband. It shows weakness and vulnerability. It gives her a window into your marriage. It makes her feel powerful.

Never contact the AP.

He is supposed to be NC,and so should you.

Also,contacting her will give her an excuse to attempt to contact your husband.

Don't do it.

If you have questions, and don't believe him,schedule a polygraph. They're a lot more reliable than a woman who was having an affair with a married man.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:18 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

posts: 4874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8756669

staystrong101 ( member #41068) posted at 1:28 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

If OW is married, tell her husband. It’s the right thing to do.
I did actually text the primary OW - just that I knew about the A. I didn’t bother getting details from her. I knew enough already and what she had to say meant nothing to me. I do know my text scared the shit out of her. She knew I could blow up her world if I wanted to. I reached out to the other BS. Turns out he already knew (caught them at least a year prior) but he had agreed not to tell me.

There was another OW I saw at a fundraiser event. I walked right up to her and introduced myself. I was wearing a new dress and was feeling good. She looked terrible. I was calm and didn’t make a scene, but I did ask if she was married and if her H knew what she was doing. She was humiliated. I have to say it was one of the best moments for me.
Trashy OW have nothing on you. Hold your head high. To me, I needed to say something. But don’t give OW any power over you.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8756673

Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I am so sorry you're holding that number right now. Depending on your choice (reconciling or not) should be how you proceed. I had a situation where my WH had lied to all the OW (serial cheater) and had said he was divorced, had custody of the kids and I was his nanny barf

So for me reaching out was more of a "lets collaborate to his downfall approach" these women and the new batch of now discovered AP's (just found out 6 years later he is cheating again) have become my allies since I have a post-nuptual with infidelity clause. I am actually FB friends with a few? One has even rented my beach

The difference is my WH"S AP's DIDN'T know he was married--so to me that we're not at fault (although their lack of knowing/investigating who they would have sex with is questionable--not my moral compass for sure) never the less they we're victims in my eyes of a predator.

I agree, if your WH's AP is married/in relationship/ then they need to be informed as well. No reason for your WH's AP to not experience the downfall.

If you are choosing reconciliation then you should let it go. You will not get what your seeking--the heartfelt apology or justification for your pain with the OW.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 2:32 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756711

SBB ( member #35229) posted at 2:42 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I’m over 10 years out but I still vividly remember feeling exactly the way you do.

NC means NC for you too. Other than telling their partner if they have one there is nothing good or constructive down that path.

I strongly recommend you delete her number. Remove the temptation completely

I contacted the one OW he admitted to and whilst I got my pound of flesh in humiliating her (I had him send an email to everyone who attended the international professional development course they conducted their affair at and explain in detail what happened and how revolted he was by himself and her) I now truly regret it. She was a shit person doing what she did but she wasn’t in my marriage. In confronting I feel like I invited her into my marriage just as XWH had.

It was easier being angry at her than at the man I loved. ‘Easier’ but so very damaging. Obsessing over her distracted me from healing and from the fact that my marriage that had imploded and XWH had zero real remorse.

I can honestly say whilst I did some hilarious stuff in my hurt (HILARIOUS!) I now wish neither of them knew how much they hurt me. How much pain I was in. That the anguish was consuming me. I wish I had not given her the satisfaction or fed either of them their ego kibbles. At one point I realised they’d likely laughed about my pain if/when they resumed the affair. Awful.

As someone here said, OW/OMs are irrelevant. They really are. I can’t say it enough. Irrelevant.

If it wasn’t her it would likely have been some other low hanging fruit. There is no sorcery at play - just two horribly damaged people doing horribly damaging things. Only one of them made and broke promises to you.

Delete her number - she doesn’t matter. She can’t give you any insight into anything and how would you believe anything she says anyway? WS lie to APs almost as much as they lie to us.

There’s only more pain down that path. Whether she answers or not. Lots of it.

I too thought if I just knew everything I could get through it. That that knowing was the key to successful R.

It wasn’t. A WS with real remorse and willingness to do the hard work and a BS willing to do the hard work are key. My marriage had neither no matter how much I wished it did.

There is no way to know everything from outside of an affair. I wish I didn’t know the things I did. They pop into my head sometimes even now and they can still take my breath away.

We’ve all been where you are now. Keep reading, keep posting. This place was my sanctuary for those first few years.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 8756720

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:44 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Has anyone ever contacted the AP and they have shown any kind of remorse?

It is very rare for an adultery co-conspirator to show any sincere kind of remorse.

WH says that it was a no go area and they never spoke about me. I don't know how this can be the case with someone you are having a 'relationship' with for 5 months.

My H had his A while working alone overseas. He had advertised for NSA sex...and only ONE person agreed to it. It only took one to wreck my world crying .

My H told me that one of the "rules" in place was that the adultery co-conspirator would never talk negatively about me...because I was to be talked about with respect rolleyes . He broke that rule just by meeting with her...and them having sex was the most DISRESPECTFUL thing that ever happened to me. My H told me that although the adultery co-conspirator tried to find out more about US...he didn't say much...he didn't even give her my full name. I found that hard to believe as well. They spoke EVERY DAY for over 2 months...and "Played House" when they were together. How could he NOT let something slip about US.

I DID contact the adultery co-conspirator after SHE wouldn't stop trying to contact my H. She sent me an email...and tried her BEST to word it in a way that would make it seem like she knew a lot about US. But my H was truthful in what he told me. She wrote the name he gave her for me OFTEN in that email...but it wasn't something my H ever called me laugh . Reading her email made me laugh because the adultery co-conspirator had NO CLUE as to who my H really was...or what WE ever did!!

THAT is what helped me to understand how FAKE their "relationship" was. ALL A's are FAKE. Each adultery co-conspirator is living in some fantasy land in their head...but it is through EACH of their eyes. My H wanted to USE a woman...a stranger. His adultery co-conspirator saw him as her meal ticket to she USED him too. They put in flowery words to keep the dopamine RUSH going...but they didn't add their REALITY to it because they would mess up their fantasy land duh . When that fantasy land bubble BURST though...and reality set in...they then saw each other for who they were. Even worse...they saw what they really were to each other. As the adultery co-conspirator wrote to my H once...him going completely NC with her made her feel like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY.

The urge to contact the adultery co-conspirator is very STRONG. But please remember...we tend to project what WE would do in certain scenarios. The adultery co-conspirator is NOT you. She is a LIAR and CHEATER who has seen YOU as the enemy in her fantasy land.

This seems like something you REALLY want to do. I often say that if it HELPS you to long as it is legal...DO IT!! Please be prepared for LIES that may be said to intentionally inflict more PAIN. You may be able to handle that though...and you will definitely find listening to her words without emotion...just how much your WH really told her. As much as YOU have thought about contacting HER...she will have probably thought the same thing about contacting you.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6346   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8756722

 smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 3:26 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Wow, thank you, everyone.

Want2BHappyAgain I had never even considered that the OW would think about contacting me other than to try and tell me what she maybe thought I didn’t know. Your experiences have been a real help. I really do know in my heart of hearts that any contact would inevitably end in more hurt and upset for me over and above any information I might glean.

The OW runs the B&B/pub that my WH used to stay at during the week so I guess it couldn’t have been more perfect for them both. I have thought that one day in the future I’ll take a trip down there and pop in. Not sure what I’d do though and if she’d even recognise who is was.

NC is the right way but there will always be the small voice trying to talk me into it.

Thank you

posts: 15   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8756743

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:33 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

There is only one good reason to contact the OW: You want to chew her out and see how your husband reacts when she contacts him again... because she absolutely will the minute after you get off the phone with her. If he doesn't take her call and tells you about it immediately, that's a great sign of his ability to maintain no contact and willingness to be honest with you. But if he hides the call from you or gets upset that you called OW, then you know he's not worth your time and effort at reconciliation.

All of the other reasons you mentioned for wanting to contact the OW-- to get an apology, clarity, corroboration, information-- are a complete waste of your time. If OW still has feelings for your husband and is still hopeful of a reunion, she will prove her loyalty to him by supporting his lies and withholding information from you. If she's angry at and resentful of him, she might lie, embellish, or cruelly share graphic details that you didn't even ask for just to hurt you.

Furthermore, you asking questions like "Did you really think he loved you?" will only reinforce in her mind that he actually did love her... because why else would you be trying to convince her (and therefore yourself) that he didn't? What are you communicating to OW about the state of your relationship with your husband by coming to her for information that you ought to have his wife?

The most devastating thing that can happen to this OW (or any OW, for that matter) is for you and your husband to treat her as if she never existed. She will feel like a used-up wad of gum that was spit out the second it lost its flavor.

Keep in mind, too, that the holidays are just around the corner. Don't give her the impression that thoughts of her are filling an empty chair at your dining room table. Even if you and your husband are currently in a state of turmoil, let OW imagine that you and your husband opening up gifts with your kids during the day and then snuggling up on the couch at night, reaffirming your love for each other as you sip from cups of mulled wine... while she sits alone and gets pelted with questions from her nosy aunt about why she isn't married yet.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 980   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8756746

swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I want to know how OW could live with herself knowing full well from the start that WH was married with 4 kids. Did she really think that she would end up with a happy ever after when he had told her that he would never leave his family?

Our husband's affairs sound very similar (right down to the length of time it lasted). I was obsessed with these questions too. But the thing is, if she had a whole bunch of insight into herself and a healthy self-esteem, she wouldn't have wanted to be in an affair in the first place. Asking her to account for herself when she built a house of cards on the fact that she didn't care about you . . . it's unlikely to give you anything but more pain and annoyance.

Truth be told, I did contact the OW a few years later. But I had a specific ask . . . I wanted her to take down all these references to the affair she had put on her public social media (first a bunch of carpe diem crap at the height of the affair, and then a bunch of woe is me crap after it ended). From what I knew of her, I figured she'd comply, but I was OK if she didn't respond or responded nastily. She did comply and apologized. She said it took a long time to forgive herself and she was sorry for the hurt she caused. And she thanked me for my grace.

I'm glad that I did it. She should never have been a part of my life, but she was. It went against the general wisdom not to reach out to the AP but I figured the length of time, the specific ask, and my confidence that I would be OK no matter if/how she responded all meant it was OK and right for me. It felt healing.

Honestly, the answers you seek are not going to come from the OW. Even if she reached these conclusions (doubtful . . . much easier to blame the mean wife who wouldn't let him chase his happiness, or the jerk MM who led her on) you're one of the last people she would share it with. I read a few OW forums and that helped me understand that especially single OW tend to have real self-esteem issues and they try to prop it up by being so alluring that a MM couldn't resist them. Yet that high is always followed by the low of "why is he going home to his wife and not choosing me?" I know, thanks to my OW's poorly written blog posts and insipid Tweets, that she thought/hoped it was fate bringing them together. Her sibling had met a separated person with kids and married them. She overlooked the whole part about us not being separated and me being in the dark. She wanted the happily ever after so badly that she convinced herself this was a shortcut to it.

My husband's OW did eventually get married to an older widower. She's in her 40s now and never had the kids she wanted. She didn't get to move countries to marry a rich American. Is she happy? Well, honestly I hope so, in the general way I want all people to be happy. She wished ill on me for a short time in her life, but all she got was heartache, embarrassment, and some friends cutting her off to show for it. I consider our business concluded.

These things take time. Your questions are normal. Just know that the odds of her giving you the answers you seek are slim to none. You're a smart lady, and I know you can work out how a desperate person would convince herself that a steaming shit pile is gold. At the end of the day, your concern isn't this particular OW but why your husband didn't have better insight into how this would hurt everyone involved. Why did he dehumanize the OW so that she could be used and discarded? Why did he dehumanize you so you could be betrayed and jilted? What's wrong with HIM?

As for your question about whether her spoke ill of you . . . what does your gut say? My husband also assured me he didn't speak ill of me (like you get brownie points for this, lol). And actually I believe him . . . not because he was so concerned for me but because he was desperate to compartmentalize the affair. He didn't want to be reminded of his wife and kids while with the OW. It was for his sake, not ours. If your husband DID disparage you to the OW, is that a dealbreaker? It just didn't seem any worse than what he'd already done so I relegated that to the pile of things I'd never know for sure.

posts: 1822   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8756750

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:54 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I think the easiest way to get past any need to confront the OW is to imagine just what a GIFT that would be to her. So often, it's about ego and validation for them. Poaching another woman's husband makes her feel powerful. It makes her feel attractive and sexy, like the married man can't help himself or whatever. barf She is validated by the attention. Six months later, she's still important. She's still valid. She still matters.

When you think about it, confirming an OW's importance just reinforces all the things she was there to do... which means the opposite is particularly unpleasant for her. Do you remember that scene with Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? "I'm not going to be ignored". Umm, yeah. Yeah you will be ignored.

I was never tempted to contact an OW past the point where I realized that the best way to hurt her was to leave her stewing in her own obsolescence.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8756753

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

File it away in a safe place [because knowledge is power] but don't use it. No good will come of that.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3579   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8756781

emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

You've gotten great advice.

The only time I think it might be useful to speak with an OW is where the OW was an innocent and didn't know that the husband was married (in that instance, they have also been betrayed and are forthcoming with details. That is not the case for you, she knew full well that she was carrying on with a married man (with 4 kids - i'm so sorry). That tells you everything you need to know about her and her sense of morality. There is nothing you can say or do that will cause her to feel shame if that knowledge alone was not sufficient.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8756788

Revenger ( new member #80445) posted at 6:49 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Oh man, this is totally my department, because I contacted ALL the OW!

Let's establish something that took me a long time to figure out: the OW hates your stinkin' guts. She's known about you for far longer than you've known about her and she's hated you the whole time. Your WH put her through much degradation by treating her as a hidden second option, and she projects her hatred for herself for allowing a man to treat her that way onto you. Just look at any reddit forum geared toward AP echo chambers--all it is is wife-bashing. She is in a one-sided competition with you, and she is losing.

She will never show remorse because all she wants to do is hurt you. If she's single, she wants to steal your life. If she's married, MAYBE she just wants to get off on the flattery and doesn't hate you. But even then, if you contact her and shine a spotlight on her misdeeds, she will get defensive and still try to hurt you. The point is, if you're looking to explain to her the hurt she's caused, don't bother--she knows, and she did it on purpose. And she gets off on hearing you describe it back to her.

So the only reason to contact an OW is to hurt them back (like I did, eventually). And the best way to do that is to tell them they are not the only mistress. Mistresses HATE hearing that, because they bizarrely expect fidelity from cheaters, whatever that means to them in the context of an affair. But if the TT is still in full effect and your WH hasn't given you that information yet, then there's not much you can do to hurt the OW. Like everyone else said, go NC. You will not leave any polite conversation feeling better.

For me, my H confessed, although the initial confession was like 1% of the infidelity. He is an SA who always knew he had a problem, but like all addicts, he felt he could fix it on his own. So he thought if he told me a *little bit* of information and I didn't trust him a *little bit* then I would stop him from doing bad things without destroying our M. But obviously, you can't open Pandora's Box a *little bit*.

I knew on DDay 1 that there were many women throughout our entire relationship, though he said it was all occasional texting. So I figured he didn't love any of them, since they all overlapped with each other. And since he explained that they were all interchangeable (and made me believe they didn't like him back either and that they were just insecure and going through lonely times in their lives), I didn't feel the need to know about them or feel threatened by them. Truth be told, the way he described some of them, I sincerely felt sorry for them.

After a week of very obvious TT, I was going insane. So I figured since OW#1 doesn't like him look

(I know, I'm naive), maybe she would be willing to share with me what happened. Boy, oh, boy, let me tell you, after a week of NC between her and my H, she was chomping at the bit to talk to me because she wanted to know what was going on in our M. (On DDay, he had told her I knew and to stop contacting him.) They quite obviously had not talked because nothing about their stories lined up. But she was able to do all the classic mistress things, like lie to make it worse (eg she claimed on the last time they hung out, she told him she could never date him and he was upset. In reality, she had sobbed to him that she doesn't know what's going on in our M or where she stands with him and she's so sad and lonely. He had told her there, there now, you'll find someone eventually, and left. A bit of a difference between narratives...H's was later confirmed with evidence to be the true one.)

It was also obvious she was enjoying the conversation, peppering tidbits with laughter and making a mockery of our M. She enjoyed her position of power over me. She enjoyed that she could tell me anything and all I could do was listen since I had no clue what was going on. She enjoyed wreaking havoc on our family. She made herself out to be this femme fatale who my H was obsessed with, bolstering her fantasy world depiction of herself. She desperately wanted to be a homewrecker.

I, still feeling sorry for her and wanting her to know that not giving H attention anymore wouldn't impact her professionally, let it be known that he goes after everyone and she was simply one of the few who reciprocated (she responded with a visceral WHAT before composing herself). I also mentioned everything he was doing to win me back, which she gave pissed off responses to. After the conversation, she tried to text my H to call her under the pretense of work issues. When he hadn't responded by that night, she sent me a bunch of rambling texts about "being there for me, girl-to-girl" and tried to pump me for information about our M.

So that's what happens when you contact an OW. I had a lot of bitterness for a while after I learned the truth that I let her control the narrative and get off on that. Eventually, I realized it was for the best, as it probably hurt her more that I wasn't mad, just searching for information. But I still fantasize about being armed with all the knowledge the first time I contacted her and being able to really drive the stake in her heart at the point when it would have been most hurtful to her.

As for the other OW I contacted, another was also sad and single, had told my H she was in love with him at the time, and was furious when he dropped her on his own one day. So she really lapped it up that I finally knew about her after all those years and did the same thing as OW#1: lie to make it worse, was dismissive, enjoyed herself.

Another one was married and after the first text, she threatened to sue me for harassment (I sent her H her "sexy" photos she had sent to my H and then blocked him, so no clue what happened after that). Another one, also married, I had met her at our wedding and we had given each other big hugs and interacted on social media all the time. I sent her a message on facebook about what a two-faced, unclassy woman she is. She blocked me, and that was the end of that.

So those are multiple examples of what happens when you contact the OW. And as you can see, not a shred of remorse was to be found anywhere. Again, if you want to contact her to put the fear of God in her, be my guest. But if you're looking for a sisterhood, look elsewhere.

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:35 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8756792

Thistooshallmakemestrong ( new member #80967) posted at 6:15 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Wow - this is a thread that I so needed to read. I can get really stuck in trying to understand the AP. I get confused with my motivation to understand her. Is it to try to devalue her and make myself feel better? Do I think I need to try to get my husband to see her for who she is? Do I think he still holds her in higher regard than she deserves? Is it to understand how much of a role she played in starting the affair? I understand that my WH is 100% responsible - he admits this and in fact has almost defended her in our previous conversations. As if she was an innocent party??
My WH had a 5mth affair whilst he was living overseas for work. They met in a bar. He said he was quite drunk and that she offered for him to stay at her place rather then drive home. He declined but took her number. He rang her a week later and they met up with a group of her friends - "to introduce him to some more people so he wasnt so lonely". They had done a lot of talking (and drinking). She knew he was married and had 4 children. He had told her that things werent good between us. They went back to her house that night and slept together (unprotected!!). My husband said that she was an emotionally intelligent woman with successful career and they got along really well. They had a lot of really good conversations. It sounds like she was a good listener and essentially encouraged him to follow his dreams and his own happiness. She would say things like "the universe has brought us together". She knew that he would be heading home. She initiated a lot and pushed for them to have a weekend away that she paid for. She also said that she was falling for him and that maybe she could move for them to be together. He said he wasn't really that physically attracted to her - but they did sleep together at least 20 times...
Is she a lonely woman with low self esteem who started a relationship with WH in the hope that she could win him over? Was she almost "grooming" him? Or was she just having selfish fun, desperate enough to go for a married lonely man?
swmnbc - I really loved reading your take on the OW.
Deep down I know she is insignificant but why do I spend so much of time thinking about her??!!
Smitty82 - I have never had the opportunity to contact her. I did think about contacting some of the 'friends' that they hung out with. They thought my husband was divorced and felt really sad for her when my husband had to leave to be with his children. I really want to set that record straight! The advice here about not contacting her sounds really sensible.
How do we stop giving this stranger our precious thought space??

Me-BS45 WH-50 4 children 9-15yrs 5mth EA and PA ended Dec 21 DDay 7th Jan 22

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2022
id 8756864

SBB ( member #35229) posted at 7:00 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022


How do we stop giving this stranger our precious thought space??

The how is time and practice. Right now it’s easier to obsess over the person you don’t know vs looking at the person you think you know - your WH. You’re trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

You’re still in the early days. I remember honestly believing if it weren’t for OW he wouldn’t have cheated - like she had some voodoo magic or manipulated him into blowing his and our family’s life up. Like she took advantage of my poor unsuspecting husband. I can belly laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny at the time.

XWH held onto that theory for our entire false R.

You can see how that theory is more palatable than accepting that it could have been anyone who tried it with him. ANYONE.

Truth is she didn’t do any of those things. If it wasn’t her it would have been some other low hanging fruit. He was the lowest hanging fruit and ripe for the picking.

Who knows why someone would knowingly get involved with a cheater? I can’t think of a healthy or valid reason that would make me ever consider it. Even before I was a BS. Ew. Just ew.

Her how and whys are completely irrelevant - you’re not married to her. She didn’t build a life with you then blow it up. She didn’t make and break promises to you.

What helped me stop obsessing over her was time and realising that she was largely irrelevant. She was just the next cab off the rank. He chose to do these things and did so not caring about the irreparable harm to me and our family.

He ended up moving in one of the OWs I later found out about (he 40 to her 24) with my then 4 and 2 year olds and marrying her a few years later. c10 years after DD they are divorcing. If you can believe it I’m sad for him and for my kids. So much unnecessary harm for nothing.

My advice is to shift your focus away from her and put your energy into yourself and healing from this. Get into IC and do the work.

Your WH needs to work out and address how on earth he put himself in that situation. That isn’t your job. What he did wasn’t passive - he actively chose this path. Even if it was subconsciously at first there was a point of no return and he stepped towards it anyway.

[This message edited by SBB at 7:03 AM, Saturday, September 24th]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 8756865

Thistooshallmakemestrong ( new member #80967) posted at 9:35 PM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

This makes so much sense SBB
It wasn't until I read your reply again this morning that I had an "A-HA" moment.
I never thought my husband was innocent or 'taken advantage of". I guess my thought process was that the OW had to have been something pretty bloody special or manipulative for my husband to have risked the happiness of his children and myself. In fact - It was that he has an issue that meant that he decided to wreck his family to chase a 'feeling' that he wanted to feel. She could have been anyone. It may be that her responses meant it went further then a ONS or whatever- but who cares. IMO the moment he had intent is when the betrayal happened.
It's not my job to make sense of it for him. It's his job to try to make sense of it and explain it to me.

Smitty82 - The OW could have been anyone - someone that sat next to him in the restaurant, someone that drove the UBER, someone he worked with etc etc. It was your WH that chose to take the opportunity. Putting so much time into thinking about "her" is a waste. She was just some desperate woman who would have done the same thing to any other guy that gave her the opportunity.

This is a revelation for me. The A wasn't a highly magical moment of 2 stars meeting and an explosion of fireworks. It was 2 people at their worst, sloshing around in the mud, desperately trying to frame it as something special. I have probably read this sentiment many times but it would appear that now is the time that it clicks for me.

I want, need , deserve to be married to someone who recognises if they are feeling low and makes choices that are in line with their values.

Thank you SI for giving me this moment or realisation!

Me-BS45 WH-50 4 children 9-15yrs 5mth EA and PA ended Dec 21 DDay 7th Jan 22

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2022
id 8756930

hurtpartner73 ( new member #80985) posted at 1:02 AM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

It was 2 people at their worst, sloshing around in the mud, desperately trying to frame it as something special.

I really appreciate this thread. I've been struggling with whether or not to reach out to my WW's AP. My WW has memory issues (caused by ECT, and maybe denial) and I feel the need for more data. I've been feeling they must have been perfect for each other and I was just in the way, though WW assures me otherwise.

Maybe I was giving too much credit to the OM, and too much weight on what their relationship really meant. The A has so much power over my thoughts, it never occurred to me that it was people at their worst, and not a perfect pairing.

Thanks smitty82 for putting this out there, and to all for sharing.

Me: BH, 49; Her: WW, 47, bipolar/borderline DDAY 4/23/2022 - EA 2005-2009ish? PA? Not sure. TT M 17 years, Trying to R - it's bumpy

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8756941

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 5:54 AM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

I beg you not to contact her. So far, you have the moral high road. Keep it by not inviting her into your life. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think your fWH gave you the whole picture.

I honestly think contacting her will either make you look like a fool or will Beetlejuice her back.

These two statements cannot be reconciled.

6 months ago he was leaving the family home a day before he needed to (he worked away) so that he could get to her sooner.....?

He hated being away and hated the job that he was doing and who he was working with.

He hated it so much he had to spend an extra day there?

I hope your fWH has explained in excruciating detail why it ended, why he will never see or contact fAP again and why fAP will never see or attempt to contact him again for the rest of her life.

Have you asked your fWH how the fAP took being dumped? I ask because it may be over for your fWH, but maybe not for her.

It's only a one-and-a-half-hour drive for her to come to see him. I wouldn't contact her on the outside chance she may turn out to be a present-day problem instead of a firmly-in-the-past problem.

posts: 257   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8756965
Topic is Sleeping.
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