Oh man, this is totally my department, because I contacted ALL the OW!
Let's establish something that took me a long time to figure out: the OW hates your stinkin' guts. She's known about you for far longer than you've known about her and she's hated you the whole time. Your WH put her through much degradation by treating her as a hidden second option, and she projects her hatred for herself for allowing a man to treat her that way onto you. Just look at any reddit forum geared toward AP echo chambers--all it is is wife-bashing. She is in a one-sided competition with you, and she is losing.
She will never show remorse because all she wants to do is hurt you. If she's single, she wants to steal your life. If she's married, MAYBE she just wants to get off on the flattery and doesn't hate you. But even then, if you contact her and shine a spotlight on her misdeeds, she will get defensive and still try to hurt you. The point is, if you're looking to explain to her the hurt she's caused, don't bother--she knows, and she did it on purpose. And she gets off on hearing you describe it back to her.
So the only reason to contact an OW is to hurt them back (like I did, eventually). And the best way to do that is to tell them they are not the only mistress. Mistresses HATE hearing that, because they bizarrely expect fidelity from cheaters, whatever that means to them in the context of an affair. But if the TT is still in full effect and your WH hasn't given you that information yet, then there's not much you can do to hurt the OW. Like everyone else said, go NC. You will not leave any polite conversation feeling better.
For me, my H confessed, although the initial confession was like 1% of the infidelity. He is an SA who always knew he had a problem, but like all addicts, he felt he could fix it on his own. So he thought if he told me a *little bit* of information and I didn't trust him a *little bit* then I would stop him from doing bad things without destroying our M. But obviously, you can't open Pandora's Box a *little bit*.
I knew on DDay 1 that there were many women throughout our entire relationship, though he said it was all occasional texting. So I figured he didn't love any of them, since they all overlapped with each other. And since he explained that they were all interchangeable (and made me believe they didn't like him back either and that they were just insecure and going through lonely times in their lives), I didn't feel the need to know about them or feel threatened by them. Truth be told, the way he described some of them, I sincerely felt sorry for them.
After a week of very obvious TT, I was going insane. So I figured since OW#1 doesn't like him
(I know, I'm naive), maybe she would be willing to share with me what happened. Boy, oh, boy, let me tell you, after a week of NC between her and my H, she was chomping at the bit to talk to me because she wanted to know what was going on in our M. (On DDay, he had told her I knew and to stop contacting him.) They quite obviously had not talked because nothing about their stories lined up. But she was able to do all the classic mistress things, like lie to make it worse (eg she claimed on the last time they hung out, she told him she could never date him and he was upset. In reality, she had sobbed to him that she doesn't know what's going on in our M or where she stands with him and she's so sad and lonely. He had told her there, there now, you'll find someone eventually, and left. A bit of a difference between narratives...H's was later confirmed with evidence to be the true one.)
It was also obvious she was enjoying the conversation, peppering tidbits with laughter and making a mockery of our M. She enjoyed her position of power over me. She enjoyed that she could tell me anything and all I could do was listen since I had no clue what was going on. She enjoyed wreaking havoc on our family. She made herself out to be this femme fatale who my H was obsessed with, bolstering her fantasy world depiction of herself. She desperately wanted to be a homewrecker.
I, still feeling sorry for her and wanting her to know that not giving H attention anymore wouldn't impact her professionally, let it be known that he goes after everyone and she was simply one of the few who reciprocated (she responded with a visceral WHAT before composing herself). I also mentioned everything he was doing to win me back, which she gave pissed off responses to. After the conversation, she tried to text my H to call her under the pretense of work issues. When he hadn't responded by that night, she sent me a bunch of rambling texts about "being there for me, girl-to-girl" and tried to pump me for information about our M.
So that's what happens when you contact an OW. I had a lot of bitterness for a while after I learned the truth that I let her control the narrative and get off on that. Eventually, I realized it was for the best, as it probably hurt her more that I wasn't mad, just searching for information. But I still fantasize about being armed with all the knowledge the first time I contacted her and being able to really drive the stake in her heart at the point when it would have been most hurtful to her.
As for the other OW I contacted, another was also sad and single, had told my H she was in love with him at the time, and was furious when he dropped her on his own one day. So she really lapped it up that I finally knew about her after all those years and did the same thing as OW#1: lie to make it worse, was dismissive, enjoyed herself.
Another one was married and after the first text, she threatened to sue me for harassment (I sent her H her "sexy" photos she had sent to my H and then blocked him, so no clue what happened after that). Another one, also married, I had met her at our wedding and we had given each other big hugs and interacted on social media all the time. I sent her a message on facebook about what a two-faced, unclassy woman she is. She blocked me, and that was the end of that.
So those are multiple examples of what happens when you contact the OW. And as you can see, not a shred of remorse was to be found anywhere. Again, if you want to contact her to put the fear of God in her, be my guest. But if you're looking for a sisterhood, look elsewhere.
[This message edited by Revenger at 7:35 PM, Friday, September 23rd]