Newest Member: mollylynne

hurtpartner73

Me: BH, 49; Her: WW, 47, bipolar/borderline DDAY 4/23/2022 - EA 2005-2009ish? PA? Not sure. TT M 17 years, Trying to R - it's bumpy

Recover Deleted Text from very old android phone, 2010-2013 timeframe. LG Ally vs470

I'm looking for any tips on how to recover data from an old Android phone. It is Android v2.2.1. An LG Ally (model vs470), with a slide out keyboard. I've tried FoneLab (which worked great for a Samsung S4), but it won't work for this LG phone as it didn't have an Install from USB option in its development options.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

0 comment posted: Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

"Healing The Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw

Book Description:

Shame is the motivator behind our toxic behaviors: the compulsion, co-dependency, addiction and drive to superachieve that breaks down the family and destroys personal lives. This book has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address these root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past failures.

My WW has been having a difficult time admitting to the truth of her A. It's beyond just trying to hide it, it's like a complete inability to admit something, even when the proof is laid out in front of her, and our MC and her IC tell her it's not helping her to ignore the truth. She is very ashamed, and absolutely self-loathing. But - she's also completely self-focused.

This book came as a recommendation out of my IC, for my wife. My IC thinks this book may help my wife understand why she is being dishonest. I'm going to read it first. I'll report back here when I'm done.

Here are two quotations I found interesting so far:

What I discovered was that shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being shame takes over one's whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one's being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing.

Toxic shame is unbearable and always necessitates a cover-up, a false self. Since one feels his true self is defective and flawed, one needs a false self that is not defective and flawed. Once one becomes a false self, one ceases to exist psychologically. To be a false self is to cease being an authentic human being. The process of false self formation is what Alice Miller calls "soul murder."

Has anyone else read this? If so, what did you think? If not, and you do start reading it, we can compare notes.

Thanks!!

0 comment posted: Friday, October 21st, 2022

Personal Happiness Plan

Hi there, I’ve been coping with recovery and reconciliation issues. Long story short - WW hasn’t been doing much work to help in recovery or reconciliation, is taking forever to divulge details, has shown little empathy, and has significant mental health issues that complicate matters. I’ve been carrying too much stress. In a recent post I received some great advice that I’m working on. That post is here: [https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658462/trying-to-be-patient-and-supportive-in-mc-while-ws-trickles-truth-its-hard-not-to-lose-my-mind]

I’m trying to take care of myself more, and not hold myself responsible for WW’s problems. So, I’m working on my personal happiness plan. I only started this yesterday, and I’m really focused on short-term, achievable goals that benefit myself. I thought I’d post it if it would be useful to anyone, or to see if anyone had thoughts or tips to add. I haven’t done any research yet - just dumped ideas out of my head.

You’ll notice that I’m avoiding dealing with the A here. It takes up so much of my life and will continue to do so. I wanted to be a bit selfish and focus on some happiness for me.

Goals for this week:

- Get a good night’s sleep consistently. No stressful conversations within an hour of bedtime.

- Eat Heathier Meals. Try not to stress eat but allow treats.

- Exercise 3 times this week

- Go for a small walk outside every day, by myself - doesn’t matter how long - even 2 minutes outside, even to the end of the driveway.

- Write some positive notes about myself.

- Start reading a fun book (before reading another affair book!). Maybe Fairy Tale by Stephen King

- Reach out to a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while to say Hi.

- Work related

-- Plan work goals for the week

-- Start planning to learn new skills I would like to learn

- Put away a little money aside for something fun for just me.

- Do daily and week-end personal check-ins. Track my how I’m doing and adjust as necessary

- Look into the headspace meditation app. Try meditation.

- Go to a wine tasting Thursday evening. Start looking for a fun activity to do periodically. i.e. book club, tech meetups, theater, etc.

- Think of what I would like to do for a ‘me’ day

- Review plan in IC. Get ideas on how to overcome/avoid obstacles.

- Hug my kids and tell them I love them everyday

That’s it for now. I created this list yesterday, and I did find it helpful today. I did a self check-in and it was great to be mindful of my self and how I’m doing. It may not seem like a lot, but it is giving me some hope.

26 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Trying to be patient and supportive in MC while WS trickles truth - it's hard not to lose my mind

My WW and I had another MC session last night. DDay was in April, she had a multi-year affair in the 2005-2010ish timeframe, and the truth has been trickling out. She's so nervous and unstable that to get her to reveal anything requires me to keep my cool and to encourage her - and then act thankful that she revealed something. [Note I'm looking for a new MC, but that's taking some time]

On the inside every little revelation turns my insides upside down. I feel the need to keep the truth coming out - but if I yell or rage it'll slow from a trickle to nothing. I find myself saying things like 'thank you, this is upsetting for me to hear, but it's even harder for me to have only my imagination to rely on, I appreciate you opening up'. Whereas I want to scream "How could you?! You [swear words]!".

I'm hoping a new MC will help. Have others felt this way? How did you handle it? I'm still aiming towards reconciliation - but this is hard.

29 comments posted: Saturday, October 8th, 2022

What makes for good marriage counselling?

Hi there! I just joined a few days ago, and it has been extremely helpful. I added a short version of my story on my profile, and a longer version on my first post (https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658319/everything-eventually-comes-out/).

DDAY was in April, 2022, though the affair(s) were more than a decade ago. It's more complicated because our marriage was already dysfunctional before DDAY, largely due to WW's bipolar disorder, and possibly borderline disorder. Also due to myself enabling her behavior. I lost myself.

DDAY was a wake up call. I'm trying to build a better me. WW and I are trying to build a better marriage, with many obstacles. I'm not sure if it will work out - if it does, it has to a healthy marriage, with a healthy family dynamic.

To that end - we've been going to MC. I'm not sure about the therapist. I believe she's likely a good one-on-one therapist. I had expected some structure to the therapy. The conversations aren't bad, but I don't feel like she's guiding us regarding infidelity.

Is there anything I should look for in a good MC therapist? I'm wondering if I should be looking for someone new. And, if I do, what I should be looking for.

Thanks to all. I am very happy I found this site.

15 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Everything eventually comes out

Thank you to everyone who has posted before. It has been invaluable reading for me. I wanted to talk here about my wife's affair and the complication her mental health issues add to my ability to cope. I'm open to any advice you may have, as I haven't spoken with anyone outside of my wife and therapy. I feel like I'm flying blind, but I'm keeping it together.

My wife and I married in 2005 after living together for several years. We have two children, born in 2007 and 2009. I know now that it was these first years of our marriage when she was unfaithful.

Shortly after getting married in 2005, she started a job that she loved. In 2006 she left the job to start a master's degree in the same occupation. We found out she was expecting our first child just as she started school. She had some history of mental health issues, primarily depression, which derailed her master's degree. She hasn't worked or gone to school since.

Since the late 90s, she has had many suicide attempts and hospitalizations. She had trouble with post-partum depression after each child. In 2010 a suicide attempt led to a diagnosis of Bipolar (rapid cycling), a diagnosis that was helpful to both of us in understanding her ups and downs. A diagnosis of borderline personality disorder has been visited off and on but never settled upon, though I believe it has merit. She has always been willing to have treatment. She had ECT in 2012, which had the unfortunate side effect of indiscriminate memory loss - there are some moments of our kids' lives she doesn't recall. She hates the impact of her illness on herself and the family.

Over the years, there have been erratic behavior, especially early on in our marriage, that I dismissed. I always assumed it was because she was pokey. She often came home late and said she was shopping but didn't find anything she liked. Or she caught got in traffic. Or got turned around. I believed almost everything. There were times when going to work she'd take off her wedding ring, saying she worried she'd damage it. I believed her. In late 2007 she went out on a late Saturday afternoon, then came home around 3 am. We had a newborn, and I was up, worried, not able to get her on her cell. She said she went to Whole Foods for groceries. It was obviously a lie, I called her on it, and she said she went to a different Whole Foods that was further away. We argued, and she told me she had been invited at the last minute by some friends to see a band play at a bar. A guy from the industry she had worked/studied in was playing. She couldn't name any of the friends. She mentioned the guy's name - I'll use Dave (not his real name), but she didn't really know him. She begged me to believe that nothing happened, that she barely knew him, and that she wouldn't see him again because she didn't even know him. She begged me to believe her that she hadn't and would never cheat on me. This was a rough spot in our relationship, but I got over it. I believed she hadn't cheated, but she had been dealing with post-partum and needed to have some fun. His name didn't come up again until three years later, in 2010, when she said he called out of the blue as he and his new wife were moving near us and wanted to meet for dinner. She knew I was unable to go due to a prior commitment. Regardless- I didn't want to go because I still felt uncomfortable about what happened in 2007. That was all I heard about Dave until this year when I accidentally found some old correspondence.

Over the last 17 years of our marriage, we've had many tough times. You'll probably understand if you're familiar with bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Our family life revolves around her, even more so than the children, to my shame. We go through long periods when the kids and I walk on eggshells, knowing that we could trigger an outburst, rage, or a downward spiral. I've been in survival mode. I've always been the primary caregiver for the children; I do the housework, I pay the bills, I am the only income, I help with schoolwork. I often feel like a single parent with an adult dependent. The kids see me as their rock, and I hide my struggles from them. I am happy with them. I had given up on my needs completely - with my sole goal of providing the best life for my children that I can. Any activity I could do outside of the house could induce my wife to have a panic attack, and thus I gave up on friendships and any other non-work activity.

Don't get me wrong. There have been good times. There is still love. But I have always had to be on alert. I always need a backup plan ready for the kids. Safety first.

In April of this year, I discovered she had started an affair within a couple of months of being married (2005), with 'Dave,' and the affair lasted for several years. I believe it turned into a friendship in 2009 when Dave became serious with another woman, then engaged, then married.

I found it by accident, ironically finding out about another time that she likely cheated on me, exposing the affair. I found out because my daughter had been having a rough time, so I thought to put together a scrapbook for her of all the well wishes we received when she was born/young. I looked back at messages my wife and I received on our Facebook walls in 2007/2008 (note we rarely use Facebook). I noticed she had months of communication with a man I'd never heard of (another guy; I'll call him Joe, again - not a real name). Joe went to the same university that my wife and I went to. Ironically, he grew up a few miles from me, but I didn't know him. I logged into her Facebook account and saw that after months of planning, they met up for drinks at a bar one night when she was on a trip for a wedding that I didn't go to. She was staying with my extended family; they watched our daughter while she was out. She got home around 3 or 4 in the morning - and said she was at her godparents' - but she went and met with Joe for drinks. I took a day to collect my thoughts and confront her. She said she couldn't remember anything. In the middle of talking about this, I brought up the 'whole foods' lie that had happened near the same time with the guy I'm naming Dave. I asked her if I should have looked into that more. Under her breath, she said I should have.

The next day I drilled her with questions about Dave. She continued to say she barely knew him; nothing happened. She had never reached out to him. They never spoke aside from what I had known about. I asked her if I could look at her emails, and she agreed. Her email had nothing. However, from 2007 until 2013, I hosted our email on my own server. I had several backups of that data on old hard drives. I found many, many emails between the two. They often referenced cards they sent each other or a little gift she sent him. They frequently talked about meeting up. They went to church together; he met my oldest daughter. They attended talks together. In 2008 they were in almost daily communication. I wish I could go back to get text messages. I have some of her old phones - but she doesn't remember the passwords, and it was before sim cards.

I printed all of the emails and showed them to her. I now know I should have held back some. I now know they met in September 2005 at work. They stayed at the same hotel for a conference for a week in 2006 (though she says they never slept together - they only hung out at the bar together). He had helped her with her master's application. I googled their names together and found they attended various events together. I found some of her old planners in the basement where she had his name at different times, with notes of when Dave's band may have a show. She still had a birthday card from him in the basement, in a box of old papers to be shredded - it had a joke about licking her face.

I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks of finding out. I could barely utter a sentence at work without thoughts intruding. People noticed something was wrong with me. I worried about paternity. I sent both of my kids' toothbrushes to a lab; thank god they are both biologically mine.

We started couples counseling. Any truth I'm getting from her is anchored on what I've discovered. It took her two months for her to admit she cheated on me. That she had an affair. She insists it wasn't physical, just emotional. I'm not able to believe her. She says she can't remember anything because of her ECT, that she only remembers after I jog her memory with something I've found. I don't know how true this. There may be some truth and some fiction.

I look at our entire past through a different set of lenses. I feel like the world's biggest chump - even though I know I shouldn't blame myself for trusting. Couples counseling is tough because we are catering to her instability. After the affair was discovered, she went into a manic phase. Twice she tried jumping out of our car while moving on an interstate when we were arguing. If pushed too far, she could become unstable, and we're worried she could try to hurt herself. (Note - she's never physically hurt the kids or intentionally hurt me).

She's stable at the moment. She is affectionate. She is remorseful. There are so many factors here I'm not sure what to do. I sleep in the spare bedroom - we told the kids it was because my snoring was keeping their mom awake - they seemed to have bought it.

I think there is a long, difficult road ahead. I considered what would happen if we separated. I could never risk the kids staying with her without me there, and if she was abandoned, there is a real risk she would try to kill herself. My intention is to stay married and get through this.

Besides, I am still in love with her, though I feel completely shattered and unable to trust her. Again I feel like a chump.

I was able to get a therapist for myself, doing remote sessions. I'm not sure how good the couples therapist is - and if anyone has tips on this I'd appreciate it. I've assured my wife that I'm committed to staying married no matter what. She swears the same. I've tried to make it safe for her to talk, but I'm not getting much. She claims she'll tell me everything she can remember, but she just can't remember.

If you've read this far, thank you - and I'm sorry if it was too much. I appreciate there is this safe place to get this off my chest. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here - but I appreciate any advice or tips. Thanks!

[Edited 9/24/2022 - I did say above that "I've assured my wife that I'm committed to staying married no matter what." I'm not sure why I typed that. I've assured my wife that I'm committed to do the work to create a better marriage. However - I know that the 'better marriage' has to become a healthier marriage, where I have an identity, and my children have a more stable environment, and we're better models for them.]

22 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20221201 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy