Doc, what are things that you can do to help yourself work through this trauma that aren't contingent on her doing or not doing something? Do you have any personal goals that you would like to work towards?
Also, you balked at the idea of enforcing consequences, as you said they wouldn't work and you don't want to be her "jailer." But what are some boundaries that you can set that aren't reliant on her to do or not do anything? What other observable consequences can you impose other than divorce?
For example, if you know now that she can't be trusted to stay off your threads, and that you will be subjected to her shame-spiral every time she lurks on here, changing your username makes it more difficult for her to violate that boundary. If you don't want to do that, or she manages to hunt down your threads anyway, a consequence for violating that boundary could simply mean that you shut down any conversation that involves SI, even removing yourself from her presence, if necessary.
I also think that dropping MC is actually an appropriate consequence because it sends a clear message to your wife that you are no longer willing to invest time and money into rebuilding your marriage, given that she hasn't made any good-faith efforts to do the necessary work. Naturally, you can leave the door open to resuming MC if you start to see some meaningful changes on her part.
These are just a couple suggestions, but they aren't exhaustive. My point is that you have dozens of options a part from suffering in limbo or filing for divorce.
I dislike the idea of changing my username because if she really wants to find my posts, it won't be hard to figure out who I am. And more importantly, it's just not how I am--I want to be transparent. I'm not going to change my behavior, in what I view as a negative/deceptive way, for her.
Your suggestion of stopping MC is very much on my mind though--I chose not to write it here as I assume she'll see it and with her traveling, I wanted to be the one to bring the topic to her in person--but she's back tonight. And that's the problem I addressed a few posts back: if I establish a defined consequence, then she'll stop being truthful with me to protect herself--at least I think she will.
Right now, she can fuck up and tell me because there are seemingly no consequences. And as HikingOut has pointed out, the things she has fucked up recently aren't very significant to me anyway. I'd much rather keep the open communication going than be punitive and force her into a shell.
I do think stopping MC is a logical step potentially though--not as a punishment, just as an acknowledgment that as long as she cannot stop agreeing to things she doesn't agree with, we cannot work on the marriage.
As for my immediate personal goals, I'd put them in three categories now:
1. Heal from the trauma of the affair: I feel like I've made progress on this as I've forgiven the sexual/physical acts already and I've also made strides to forgive the badmouthing. I am pretty far away still on everything else involved in the betrayal and still don't see a path to forgiveness on much of it.
2. Understand what I want in my future: Is my wife the partner I want? I already know what I'd like to see her change for me to reconcile, but I want to explore if she can be my future even with those changes. I dug in a bit on this in IC today and feel like I understand why she became my partner and why we stayed together, but now post-DDay, I need to take the time to reexamine my life, my happiness, and my longterm goals in life.
3. My sexual history and future: It's complicated, as many of you know, and I need to keep exploring it. I recognize that my kinks are a part of me and I need to find healthy outlets for them. Interestingly, while discussing this topic in IC today, she thought it was a *positive* thing that I was able to find the sexual aspect of my WW's affair as erotic now instead of painful.
I challenged that a bit as it didn't feel very healthy. Her point, I think, was that healing from the trauma is the priority and while my path to healing may feel strange, it is a means to an end. I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet, but it is what it is, so fighting my emotional response probably isn't healthy either.