Okay, I see.
So first, when I say x= you file. I don’t mean that you say to her "if you do x I will file". I don’t mean ultimatums. I mean decide that part for yourself. Otherwise there are no lines she can’t cross.
Second I don’t mean strict as in too tough. I meant that you had a list that were unnegotiable for reconciliation. So I guess since you are really not working on r, the wait is that when she can be consistent about this list then it can be considered? Sorry if that’s a dense question but that would be something that would make sense.
Third, as for the self discipline. Especially around the drinking. Do you feel she means it in the moment? Then the execution of it she can’t deal with? And do you feel she is an alcoholic, or is it she is using it as a crutch to cope during this time?
If you think she means it and then backs up when it’s harder than she thought maybe on her stuff that she is trying to figure out, she take it in baby steps. When I was where she was I took up smoking of all things. My husband hated it. I think part of me was proving to myself I could do something my husband hated if I wanted to. Yes, I was a fucking peach. But it did help me see my people pleasing wasn’t needed that there was something much deeper than that - an abiding love that I took for granted.
But, then, as I resolved my issues I quit on my own cold turkey and never did it again because I quit for me. But this was nine months later.
With my smoking other than being smelly it didn’t change my mental state like alcohol does. If the alcohol creates issues that make things worse for you this may have to be your boundary.
If it does not, she simply has a glass to unwind to go to sleep, then maybe this isn’t the time for her to try and do a complete overhaul on all her issues. It can be overwhelming to try to change things so much at once.
If it’s a detriment to you, then it’s going to need to be a hard boundary. Otherwise, I would knock anything off the list that has a lesser importance to the other things.
The top priories are the things that are effecting your healing. They are hard boundaries in which you may have to choose to separate from the situation in order for your own peace.
If they are not, they are things she will work on as more and more mental space and strength is achieved.
To me that’s how I would separate it.
You do not have to announce to her ultimatums but she needs to know which things are most serious to you that will push you towards not waiting around to see if she can do it. And the extraneous stuff needs taken off the report card for now.
So when you think about the one where she is reading. Maybe the hard boundary is she doesn’t take her spiraling to you. She seems to not have done this so it’s a good way of setting a goal that she knows she can meet. Setting herself up for some wins would be probably good for her to help her feel like her streak is changing. It’s great for brain chemistry and for her to start feeling like she can do some things right.
That is how granular this shit is with an unstable ws. But she is in therapy 3 times a week, she is doing marriage counseling, she is reading books about her behaviors, these are all good signs that she will gradually get better. Saying she has been very honest at this point is a big thing to have at this point too.
For now, decide what you need to feel peace, and drop the rest. The less things you have to interact about the easier it will be for you to detach and get yourself together better.
Holding boundaries can be hard, but like I said that is for you to be able to start trusting yourself again. Because she didn’t just ruin your trust in her. She ruined the trust you had in yourself. You have to be the source of your own stability right now and I think you are starting to see it.
[This message edited by hikingout at 1:46 AM, Thursday, June 23rd]