you said: I don't want to separate right now, but I also recognize that things are really fucked up. My plan is to give her more alone space and keep pushing for her to do more IC sessions. I'm certain nothing she did last night was intended to be malicious. She is just *incapable* of empathy. If I felt for a second it was intentional cruelty, I'd file for D today--but I see us both as broken people. Her far more so than me, but in my current state, I can't do much to help her.
I do plan on addressing how awful she made me feel and how that's unacceptable. Ultimately, I recognize that it's difficult for sex to be light and fun after these long conversations, but I need her to do more to stop making me feel so horrible.
yikes. ^ this is all too much-- this helpless act.
you don't think it's malicious, yet it's unacceptable how she made you feel (but you just said it wasn't malicious!). you need her to do more to stop making you feel so horrible (but admit that you do not believe it is intentional cruelty).
here's a clue-- quit making it intentional! quit talking in circles! get help from a professional!
additionally, if you "recognize that it's difficult for sex to be light and fun," quit expecting it to be light and fun!
remove your own mask and see your truth. you are responsible for how you feel about yourself. your wife cannot grow new skin (or a new brain) for your intensely tormented, broken, human self (that's how you want this forum to view you, right?).
i'm having a hard time figuring out how what you are doing is not considered "weaponizing sex"? nothing, and i mean nothing that your wife does in the bedroom leads to any satisfaction or gratitude from you. she doesn't offer at the right moment, she isn't wet enough, her boobs hurt, she looked at you funny, she climbed on you funny, she cried out slightly in pain, there was an awkward moment when she grimaced, she used her hand, she didn't use her hand, she didn't want oral, she didn't offer a bj, she doesn't want anal, she does want anal, she wants whatever you want, but she's too stupid to know what you want, you don't want to help her get wet with lube, she's ruined porn for you. and on, and on, and on.
if you do not have it within yourself to help her in any capacity, own that fact and set her free (in doing that, i realize you'd have to give up the current "on demand sex-make me feel good about myself-do more for me" gig that you seem to believe you've currently got going for you).
she had an intense, highly deceptive affair-- and you are now intensely, and highly deprived sexually because of it. (speaking in your terms). noted.
and as much as you likely find this response intensely and highly disagreeable, i will not apologize for speaking up for a wayward wife that i feel is now being sexually taken advantage of within her own marriage.
yes, please do give her space.
[This message edited by sundance at 8:40 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]