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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Just Found Out :
After 9 years of R, I just got the 'oh I think I'm polyamorous afterall!' talk. At marriage counselling. Out of nowhere.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:06 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

Sorry for the comms silence in regards to the great responses I received to my last missive, but it has been a rough week or so.

I had to maintain regular contact with my ex due to coparenting. We actually coparented well, and the relationship was somewhat cordial. As time passed, even friendly. Once evening about 4 years after the split, after a couple of glasses of wine, she said something that was a query about whether I might consider another go with her. "I'd never give anybody a chance to do that to me twice," I said.

@Butforthegrace, she actually said that? Haha, what was her response to your answer?

I'm torn; I absolutely miss my wife from a companion POV (and we did make a very good team in regards to parenting and enjoying life in general - she just happens to have a hobby in having sex and a desire to have relationships with other men that is incongruous to me wanting to have anything further to do with her!), but every part of me also understands that she's a deeply broken person who I should be glad to be rid of.

From what I gather, she has now introduced the latest AP to parts of her family, under the proviso that 'she met him after we separated'. Her parents are very conservative, and they would be mortified to find out that their relationship was the result of her cheating AGAIN, and the consequent family she/he destroyed in their wake.

I know it's petty, and I know I shouldn't care, but I am so tempted to inform her parents of the wider background. The fact that this guy has a kid of his own, and felt no compunction moving in on my family before I was out of the picture only steels my resolve.

I shouldn't care, but why should they get to portray a picture that isn't true? Especially when it involves my kids.

On a brighter note, my holiday with my new gf in Fiji went swimmingly. I'm a very lucky man.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:07 AM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8783395
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

You could educate her parents as to what really happened between the two of you but you risk an amicable co-parent situation if you do so. The best thing to do is to limit your contact with the EX-WW to matters that involve your children. Concentrate on your life and girlfriend. My first girlfriend after breaking up with my ex-WW made me quickly forget wanting to have anything to do with the ex-WW. Unfortunately, that relationship did not end well but I eventually found someone that was head and shoulders above both of them.

posts: 717   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8783409
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:10 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

Or… you could work actively at recovery and move on…
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12446   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8783430
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 6:41 PM on Thursday, March 23rd, 2023

I just read your thread from the beginning, I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

You have certainly got some good advice throughout this experience thus far.

I only have two things to add, things that you should certainly take or leave as you find helpful.

First of all, IMHO, you are not "over" your experience with your ex WW. Not that I’m saying that at this point you "should" be.

You sometimes feel nostalgic about your relationship with her despite her infidelities. And when there are issues regarding the past with her now, you feel anger, and perhaps even rage.

As it has been suggested several times, and I’m sure you know it intellectually, sometimes it is hard to internalize the fact that…

"Anger is not the opposite of love… Indifference is."

You will know when you have completed your road through surviving infidelity when you no longer feel intense emotion involved with your wife’s actions prior to or after being a part of your life.

The other thing I wanted to mention is regarding your kids. I understand that sometimes tempers flare, and I can’t imagine that anyone would believe that you ever intentionally disregarded what was best for your kids. But I think it is impossible for those of us not having experienced it, to know what kind of effect a "screaming match" in front of the kids would’ve had on them. And while it does seem to indicate a bit of understanding on your daughters part, her comment about wanting to be "a proper mom" indicates the affect all of this has had on her. We can only imagine what it would be like to be her age, and to have to feel anshamed and even apologetic about her own mother.

I would strongly encourage you to consider absolutely keeping the ongoing experience you and your ex are going through, private, and away from the children. It’s understandable that you should feel vindicated when your kids seem to see this experience through your eyes. But ultimately, IMHO, their experience is not only the parents against each other part, but the part where they are experiencing the loss of one parent, as well as the loss of their family as they know it.

To resist the urge to show negative emotions towards your wife in front of your children will not only increase their love and respect for you, but it will help them feel more secure, and the fact that you are being relatively kind to a person who is, and will always be their mother in one way or another.

I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. You deserve a very happy life.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8783622
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 1:44 PM on Monday, March 27th, 2023

@WhatsRight

What a magnificent post. You are so right. Except for the massive blow-up when I found out everything in that ill-fated car ride home from the airport, I haven't yelled at her again. I admit I have wept openly in front of the kids however, much to my shame. The first two months or so were sheer hell emotionally. Thank God those days are in the rear view mirror.

I feel more and more distant from my ex-WW as time goes on, but the anger is hard to let go of. Anger at being a part-time Dad against my will; anger at the betrayal by my lover and best friend; anger at our carefully-curated financial plans being blown up; anger at the indignity of it all and the lack of justice.

I lost my grandmother a few days ago, a much loved 94-year lady who always had my back. She took the news of my ex-WW very hard, and despaired for my daughters (she was the one who heard the 'I want to be a proper Mum when I grow up' line and it upset her greatly). This has exacerbated my feelings of hopelessness if I am being honest. I know it is transitory...but it still sucks.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8784319
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:27 PM on Monday, March 27th, 2023

When you move on emotionally from your relationship with her you will still retain anger at what she did to your children. That’s being a parent. That means that your children’s welfare is utmost in your mind at all times and that makes you a wonderful father.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4254   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8784322
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MrBigBull ( new member #83123) posted at 6:11 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

Hi Hurthalo,

From what I gather, she has now introduced the latest AP to parts of her family, under the proviso that 'she met him after we separated'. Her parents are very conservative, and they would be mortified to find out that their relationship was the result of her cheating AGAIN, and the consequent family she/he destroyed in their wake.

I personally really do think you need to educate her parents and family about the real situation.
They have a right to know the truth. They also need to know there family members is capable of lying to them.
The only thing you will be doing is telling them the truth.
Personally I would be feeling bad if I knew my ex was telling lies to the grandparents and family of my children.
If she really is such a good mother, then she must set an example for the children by always telling the truth.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023
id 8784626
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:22 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

MrBigBull, I have to disagree. Hurthalo needs to focus on his healing, moving forward with his life, and peacefully co-parenting his children... not policing his ex-wife's behavior and meddling in her relationships with her parents. His children and his former inlaws already know that infidelity broke up the marriage.

Hurthalo didn't have the power to stop his wife from lying while they were married and the future of their family was at stake; he certainly doesn't have the power to stop her from lying now that they're divorced.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1972   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8784667
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Adolfo ( member #79193) posted at 1:44 AM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

BluerThanBlue


meddling in her relationships with her parents

Respectfully, don't think that's what MrBigBull meant. It's a matter of Hurthalo's kids relationship with their grandparents. That may be his business.

[This message edited by Adolfo at 1:45 AM, Thursday, March 30th]

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021   ·   location: NC
id 8784762
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 5:17 AM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

I hear what you are all saying. At this point I see little value in informing her parents about the nature of her new relationship. I have no doubt she's fed her parents a watered down version of how she met her new beau (if she has even done that at all), and she certainly wouldn't have told them that their relationship was birthed from yet ANOTHER concurrent affair that resulted in him leaving his wife of 20 years.

I informed them of the wider sordid backstory after they intimated that 'well, it appears it (the divorce) came about from a miscommunication issue', which saw me inform them that this wasn't the case, and that we got divorced because she was having an 18m affair with a polyamorous married man who had 3 other girlfriends on top of her (that she also knew about), before turning to dating apps to court other men weeks after he dumped her like a bad habit to go mono with one of the other girlfriends. I think they were shocked enough at that so be honest.

Informing them would only be to enact revenge on her by way of tarnishing her new relationship with her family. As religious people, they would very likely not warm to a philanderer who helped ruin their grandchildren's family life while ruining his own.

I just don't care anymore, screaming about the injustice of it would be like screaming into the face of an uncaring hurricane. As my therapist mentioned last week when I informed him about the latest discovery of her other affair, 'she has a lot of very deep seated and pathological issues that will take her a lot of work to address. IF she even chooses to address them.'

And let's face it, this guy is likely on borrowed time as well.

(Success rate of two people who cheated on their husbands/wives to be together + success rate of Defence personnel) x 25% success rate of two people having a second marriage = infinitesimally small chance of staying together anyway.

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8784785
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

So sorry about the loss of your grandma. My grandma held a special place in my heart. The loss of your grandma on top of infidelity can really pack an emotional punch.

The anger is something else, isn't it? I never knew such anger. It was like it roiled up from the depths of my soul. Please be sure to find a healthy outlet for the anger and don't let it fester inside you. The emotional rollercoaster is a b!tch.

Hang in there, HH.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3470   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8784815
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:33 PM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

I'm so sorry, too, about the loss of your grandma! I hope you and your family are getting lots of love and support at this time. How are you and the kids holding up?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1972   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8784825
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 11:34 PM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

Hi HH,

It sounds like you are moving to a point of healthy indifference regarding you exWW.
As many have said and I have also come to believe and experience, it's a great place to be as you seek to move out of infidelity.

Are there any other steps that you can take to move further along this path?
Regards,
FAWH.

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8784929
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 4:07 AM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

@leafields So true about the anger. For me it is visceral, and to have been so disrespected after I gave her the gift of a second chance 9 years ago (and she saw the hurt it caused me, and what that took me to do so) is just unforgivable. I could almost feel sorry for her had she had taken even a modicum of time to take a step back and assess her behaviour and perhaps mourn the loss of the marriage appropriately, but she didn't. It has been 'game on' with the second AP (who was married himself) since.

I'm lucky that I love running, and love working out - it has helped immensely. Also, my (ice) hockey season has just started, and that is my happy place.

@FindingaWayHome Thanks! I've basically come to the conclusion that she isn't a rational human being, and she evidently has deep seated psychological issues that she has either ignored, or tried to band-aid/mask with hedonistic pursuits into infidelity. She is no longer worthy of my time nor respect. I'll co-parent with her, but even then I won't speak to her unless absolutely necessary. I've told her that short of an emergency, all contact with me is to be via email only.

@BluerThanBlue Thank you for your message. I am holding up pretty well (I mean, she was 94), but she will be dearly missed. The kids are doing well, I have asked the little ones to draw her a 'picture to take with her to heaven'...to which one of them replied, 'but how can Gran take it to heaven when she is already dead?' laugh laugh Touche!

As an aside, I rang the kids the other night via video call and my ex was in the background...wearing my hockey team's hoodie. Slightly odd if you ask me, does she wear this in front of her current b/f??? A weird apparel choice for someone who constantly berated me for having the audacity to enjoy playing hockey...

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 4:10 AM, Friday, March 31st]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8784953
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 5:27 AM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

As an aside, I rang the kids the other night via video call and my ex was in the background...wearing my hockey team's hoodie. Slightly odd if you ask me, does she wear this in front of her current b/f??? A weird apparel choice for someone who constantly berated me for having the audacity to enjoy playing hockey...

Sounds to me like she is playing games with you. Whether it was a coincidence or not, ignore it! You are freeeeeee!!!!!!

BH (50s) WW (50s) EA 2008, EA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Not sure what to call it, but I guess we're in R.

posts: 221   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8784962
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

"As an aside, I rang the kids the other night via video call and my ex was in the background...wearing my hockey team's hoodie. Slightly odd if you ask me, does she wear this in front of her current b/f??? A weird apparel choice for someone who constantly berated me for having the audacity to enjoy playing hockey..."

I wouldn't read too much into her wearing the hoodie. That was likely performative in front of your kids to show that you two are on good terms. No one is the villain in their own story.

posts: 158   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8785136
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 Hurthalo (original poster member #41782) posted at 3:04 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

@1994 So true. She truly believes this is 'all for the best', despite her being hit with consequence after consequence in the aftermath.

I can't confirm (well I could, I could access the system to find out - but I morally won't), but I am pretty sure she has lost her security clearance, and her employment in the military has been restricted acordingly. Noting she lost her promotion at the very outset, this is no doubt a huge blow. She recently took one month of leave unannounced and went off the grid for a week during that time.

I should also add that for someone who bemoaned to her girlfriends the fact that she was 'stuck' with three kids and didn't have freedom; her AP has a son. She now has 4 kids she has to worry about.

I will caveat this with the fact that I adore my daughters; I happily have my 6 year old twins in my bed to snuggle with when they are here with me every other week, BUT, my 8 year younger girlfriend has none. I have no doubt the photos of my g/f and I in Fiji last month trickled to my ex.......and frankly I don't give a shit.

I have my daughters (althought I would prefer to have them 100% of the time) and I have an amazing girlfriend.

As much as I grieve for my marriage, I think I am finally reaching indifference. And I think a lot of that is knowing that my ex, for all her exterior cool, is an evil and completely broken person.

Amusingly, one of my twins told me tonight - apropos of nothing - that 'Mum said she didn't want a divorce and that she still loves you Daddy'. It's almost comedic.

3 affairs in 10 years of marriage (that I know of). 2 wives and a husband left in sheer despair within 18 months. 4 kids left with a broken home.

The sheer audacity.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 3:35 PM, Thursday, April 6th]

posts: 313   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Australia
id 8785918
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 10:26 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

BUT, she loves you!

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8785978
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 11:21 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

I have no doubt the photos of my g/f and I in Fiji last month trickled to my ex.......and frankly I don't give a shit.

The best revenge is living well. grin

Your updates are inspirational inspirational, Halo. Kudos. You don't just survive, you thrive, and that's such a great message for so many people reading along. Well done!

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7060   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785982
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:46 AM on Saturday, July 22nd, 2023

Bumped at OP’s request.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8800502
Topic is Sleeping.
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