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Newest Member: Tortex

Off Topic :
Let's talk grandparenting!

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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 6:35 AM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Oh my gosh!!!!!

How exciting!!!

Please keep us posted.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8741023
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

We took a red-eye in Thursday night, and surprisingly, they allowed two visitors in the hospital at a time, so we were able to meet him and hold him on both Friday and Saturday before she was discharged. He's such a peanut!!

He was having a hard time waking up after the circumcision (I'm so glad I never had boys so I never had to make that decision!), but they said that's completely normal. Since D is also on an SSRI, they say when these babies are born, they can be more sleepy until it moves out of their systems, so we're still waiting for that. We've seen his eyes open very few times, maybe a few seconds a couple of times a day. The pediatrician is not worried, though. She has an appt. with a lactation consultant on Wednesday since he evidently has a 'short' latch. So she's pumping to bring her milk in, and hopefully will get this sorted out on Wednesday. For reasons of my own birth trauma and feeding, I made a very conscious decision to nurse both my kids, for extended times, and it was an amazing experience, so I'm sad that she's struggling right off of the bat.

He's just heaven to hold. In-laws arrived yesterday and will leave tonight before coming back after we're gone to help out. I can't believe how four grown-ass adults (D, SIL, H and myself) are so exhausted by a newborn!!! But we're getting a lot done. H and I power washed their garage floor, did some house cleaning, grocery shopping, a couple of trips to Home Depot, and have more things to do today, like laundry. I've already been peed on once. Should have seen that one coming!

All in all, it's been great, but I'm feeling the time change and am tired a lot; trying to take naps.

Thanks for all the congrats!

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8741056
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 3:21 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

I'm so happy for you! It's just the best time.
My granddaughter has started humming along with me while I sing her favorite lullaby. I'm in heaven.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8487   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8741155
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 12:54 AM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

CONGRATULATIONS 🎈

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8741322
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 11:56 PM on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Congratulations 4

It’s so much better with grandkids, had I known I would have just started with grandkids 😀

We have our granddaughters 6 and 8 for a couple days and we have so much fun. I’ve taught one to swim and working on the other.

It’s really funny because MImi is a fashionable girly girl grandma. The girls always want to do hair and makeup, play dress up and walk around in high heels.

Mimi is in trouble, came home and found pop corn in my bed. I’m all for bending the rules, but Pawpaw is anal and has limits 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8741445
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 11:06 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

laugh Tanner, you crack me up!

I have to admit that I am many times very anal as well, but all of that has been thrown out the window with my grand babies. The way I notice this the most is with cleaning. It’s important to me to have a clean house, although often I am behind.

But when my granddaughter comes over, the dirty dishes be damned. We sit and read a book or watch Peppa Pig or build Lego castles.

I so wish I had been more like that with my kids when they were growing up.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8741515
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:20 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

I so wish I had been more like that with my kids when they were growing up.

That is great thing about Grandkids it’s like a fun do-over. A lot of shit we stressed about with our kids was really nothing in the big picture.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8741538
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:58 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Congratulations Number4! If it offers any solace, I struggled with breastfeeding my eldest at first too but we eventually hit our stride (after many many struggles and stresses and weight loss and visits with the lactation consultant) and she ended up breastfeeding until age 2!!

That is great thing about Grandkids it’s like a fun do-over. A lot of shit we stressed about with our kids was really nothing in the big picture.

As someone with very young children watching our parents become MUCH MORE relaxed and permissive grandparents than they were parents (seriously, who are these people? laugh ), I imagine the ability to go home at the end of the day and get a good night sleep plays a big role. smile

[This message edited by emergent8 at 6:03 PM, Thursday, June 23rd]

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 960   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8741553
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

seriously, who are these people?

If they are like us, we are laughing and enjoying the fact that my daughter has a girl just like her She deserves every damn minute of that attitude 🤣🤣🤣

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8741558
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:55 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

laugh laugh

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 960   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8741561
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

Has anyone given thought yet to putting some money back for the grandkids later in their life… Perhaps college?

I’m on the older side of this curve, but I just feel like there’s something that I can do. But when I think about college per se, I wonder what will college even be like in 15 years? Will it mostly be online? Well the costs be quite different than they are now?

And like with my kids, what if they decide not to go to college?

Anyone come up with something that you really think is good?

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8742140
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 1:30 AM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

We have not done so yet, but our D and her H have said they plan to open a fund so that loved ones can deposit into it for birthdays, holidays, etc. toward college. They have started the paperwork; I guess my only hesitation is, what if the kid decides not to go to college? Or gets a full scholarship somewhere and doesn't need that money. I suspect you could set it up so that, if it's not used toward college expenses by the age of 30, then it goes directly to the young adult as cash. I'm sure there are all kinds of stipulations you can put on that money.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8742243
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 1:40 AM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

If it offers any solace, I struggled with breastfeeding my eldest at first too but we eventually hit our stride

Thank you! Yes, so many women really struggle to get off to a good start. I partly blame hospitals who do not encourage best practices in establishing a breastfeeding relationship early on, then send parents home with little information on how to get the supply established. It's a story I heard many times over my years as a LLL leader 30+ years ago, and unfortunately, it's still true today in some hospitals. And as first time parents, you don't know what you don't know. D saw two different lactation consultants in the hospital, and they both told her different things. I mean, WTF?

It's been VERY hard to find a lactation consultant to come to the house, but one did come on Saturday morning. She was OK... not terrific, but OK. D is taking the inability to latch very personally, and I know it hurts, even though that's not what's going on. But... the lactation consultant DID evaluate for a tongue-tie and it appears as if he does have one. She said she cannot diagnose, but she can evaluate. They see the pediatrician tomorrow and will talk further about it. I guess there are two approaches to tongue-tie: ENTs tend to cut them with scissors, and pediatric dentists tend to use lasers. Some studies show lasers are more permanent, and cutting can result in them sometimes growing back. So they will have to discuss this tomorrow. Perhaps that will make his latching and sucking more efficient if he gets that taken care of.

Our presence has been requested to stay another week than we were planning to. So we will be here a bit longer. D is just having so many self-doubts about her role as a mother. We will provide additional support in just being here.

But damn, a newborn can exhaust four adults in just a short amount of time.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8742244
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:39 AM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

My sweet niece went for her weekly visit with the dr. She was diagnosed with high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia.

Just like she did with her mom, this baby boy, is causing high blood pressures, and she was admitted. She is being induced in the am. My great nephew should join us tomorrow!!!!!
My sister made it to her this evening. They live about 6 hours away. My niece wants her mom there for the delivery.

My sister is a nervous wreck, and pretty high strung. She is more anxious than the mom to be. Lol. Anyway let the baby fest begin.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19412   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8742250
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 3:41 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Well I'm a great Auntie, my sweet niece had her baby last night, health and small but doing great!!!!!
My sister was there in time, and was able to be there for the delivery.

Can't wait to see this little guy in person.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19412   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8742295
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:57 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Congratulations Tushnurse!!!

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1629   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8742323
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 9:30 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Congrats, Tush. It's so exciting when that first 'grand' comes along, even if from a niece. I have six 'grands' from my niece; the oldest just turned 16!! They just took them all to Italy - and shared pictures on Instagram.

How is your niece doing? Did her BP stabilize? I had borderline pre-eclampsia with #2; but a week of bed rest around 38 weeks fixed it, so I was allowed to go to term, and then some (ugh... 42 weeks before they induced). It's a scary situation, but hopefully she is much improved now that she has delivered.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8742344
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Thanks #4, she is doing great. Pressures came down to normal shortly after delivery. She is feeling good, and unlike her Aunt, she is doing great breast feeding.

Those struggling with breast feeding I feel your pain. My boy couldn't latch, and I pumped a ton, but guess what, I never produced anything. Nothing. I was drinking gallons of water, and still no production.

So I was one of the biggest proponents of breast feeding, and had to give my babies formula, and they both grew up to be normal healthy adults. So if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Don't lose your mind over it. Those raging hormones and failing to being able to do something you had your heart set on, really doesn't matter at the end of the day.

Don't sweat it. Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad, or guilty because it doesn't work. Some of us have breasts, but they are just for show.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19412   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8742358
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 number4 (original poster member #62204) posted at 7:40 PM on Thursday, June 30th, 2022

So I have another question, regarding bonding. D is concerned that she and H are not bonding enough with the baby. I do see changes in D since two weeks ago, and she is producing more milk, so she's feeling better about that. She asked me yesterday how bonding with her went. Honestly, I remember struggling, but I hate to tell her that, because who wants to hear their mother had a hard time bonding with them as a newborn. I also think because they don't feel bonded, they're not doing things that would establish bonding, like just holding him, rocking him, walking the floors with him, singing to him. I think these are all critical to bonding, but because they're not really getting anything back from him, they say it's hard to connect. I sort of remember that in my early days with #1, but #2 came more easily. I think it's because I had over two years with #1 before #2 came along, so my maternal instincts had way since kicked in.

A couple of times I've offered suggestions to son-in-law on how to hold the baby so the baby feels secure and safe. His reflex when the baby cries is to immediately blame it on the baby being hungry, or the baby having a dirty diaper. I'm trying to, in a very diplomatic way, tell him that babies sometimes just cry because they need motion and soothing. But then I'll see him holding the baby's head in one hand, and have him splayed across his lap and holding the bottle with the other hand. I've tried to tell him that babies just want (and need) to be held closely. Then when I suggest that he just needs to be swayed or walked, he'll give it all of a minute, then decide the baby is hungry (although he had recently been fed) or wet/dirty.

I sort of mentioned this to my therapist a couple of days ago, and she said maternal (and paternal) instincts are learned on the job, and that I'm looking at it from the perspective of being a mother for 35+ years and understanding the importance of nurturing. She thinks it comes in time with some parents (especially first time) and is more easily attained by others. Another friend of mine, who is a great mom, told me she didn't even like her firstborn for the first two months. I don't ever remember anything like that, but I know it was hard.

I know many of us here have FOO issues, and have learned the hard way how important these early bonding moments can be to our development. But I just don't know how to helpfully offer suggestions without coming across as lecturing. Man, you put that baby in my arms, and 80% of the time I can calm him by rocking, walking, singing (and I do NOT have any pipes), etc. When D nurses, I know she's starting to experience something, but she only nurses a few times a day. But son-in-law is not having that experience, and even when he does offer a bottle, the baby just gets cranky. We try to role model for them, and affirm them when they're doing something that the baby is responding to, but that just doesn't seem to be working.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married - 30+ years
Two adult daughters
1st affair: 2005-2007
2nd-4th affairs: 2016-2017
Many assessments/polygraph: no sex addiction
Status: R

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Southern California
id 8742725
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, June 30th, 2022

#4 - I will bite.
I too did not feel a super strong bond immediately after delivery.
I also had one of the worlds most colicy, worst babies ever.

That said, I did feel the immediate, love and need to protect this tiny human above all else. I am not one of those women that loves newborns, my mom does, but not me. I mean there's not a lot happening for the first month, or two. They don't smile, they don't do much besides, eat, sleep, poop, puke, and start all over. I was also extremely anxious, I was terribly CoD and the second of 2 girls, with an abusive mother, and an alcoholic father, so my need to keep the peace was strong, and anytime he cried, I felt this overwhelming anxiety to quiet, and calm him. Which often was not in the cards due to how colicky he was.
Now when he started smiling, and holding his head, and earnestly looking at things, then that bond grew. I went back to work at 8 weeks, and worked evenings, so my H would get off work, pick him up from the neighbor and deal with the screaming mimi for hours on end, and then pass out at 9:30 when he would fall asleep exhausted, by the time I arrived home from an 8 hour shift in the ICU, he was ready for round 2, so I tried my best to keep him quiet, so my H could sleep and I did 90% of the night time feedings.

When he could roll and sit up the bond got stronger for sure. When we finally broke the colic cycle things got really good.

We were youngish, not kids, we made decent money, and had great family support. But given all that, and this baby as bad he was I finally understood how abuse to infants happened. There were definitely times my H put him in his crib, closed the door, and went outside. There were times I would cry right along with him and days that I fantasized about getting a motel room and sleeping for 48 hours straight.

But I do think the real deep bonding happens in the special moments of firsts, and in the quiet moments of relaxing bathtime, watching them play with their feet, and the smiles when you go to pick them up from the crib. That's when that heart grows.
Be honest with your daughter. Parenting is tough, and if she has a bad/fussy/sick baby it's even harder. But at the end of the day going through that with them, makes us better parents.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19412   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8742768
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