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Newest Member: Bert

New Beginnings :
Another new relationship over

Topic is Sleeping.
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

Well friends, I broke up with the latest new beginning this past Saturday. We had dated for nearly 3 months - the first two months were fantastic, and then the last three weeks have been a steady downward dive. She decided that she hates my best friend's wife because my best friend's wife told a common friend that she liked meeting this woman one time and was interested to get to know her more - somehow she took that as my friend's wife was trying to get "dirt" on her. She complained about my dog. She complained that we spent so much time at my house (her house is undergoing a major remodel, and she didn't have a bed until last week - we stayed at her house twice in the 4 days since her bed arrived, and a 3rd day I had my daughters and didn't see her). Finally, she complained about my DDs, and that was the last straw. I truly wanted this one to work out. But I can't listen to a woman I'm dating tell me that my 13 year old daughter is going to end up 15 and pregnant because she wanted me to buy an inappropriate dress, which I told my daughter was not appropriate and didn't buy. This woman kept at it and told me that she isn't signing up to raise a newborn baby when my daughter gets pregnant. I don't get how me NOT buying an inappropriate dress is somehow going to lead to my daughter being 15 and pregnant? This should have been considered "good" parenting.

She is 39 years old, never married, and has no children. In addition, she's an only child who was pampered her entire life. In the beginning, she did her best to pretend to be someone who she wasn't, but the last few weeks, she just couldn't fake it any more.

Since the breakup, she has resorted to berating me over text messages. I politely thanked her for the time we spent together, and I told her I was sorry things didn't work out. I didn't engage in or respond to any of her nasty personal attacks.

I don't know the point of my rant today. It's just really frustrating, especially with the holidays happening. I know this will sting for a couple days, and then I'll be fine. Just wanted to complain in a safe place to folks who can relate (at least to some degree).

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8701680
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 1:44 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I know it stings GTS, but kudos to you for ending it. This was not a match from what you describe. You could have milked it through the holidays, but that would have been self serving and dishonest. You did the right thing.

Even if she had kids of her own, she was completely out of bounds to talk to you that way about your daughters. It's bad enough she was implying your daughter was going to be basically a whore. But the fact that she said she wasn't going to sign up to take care of a baby, not if, but when your daughter gets pregnant, is beyond presumptuous. About both her and you. Who the hell does that woman think she is? You've been dating for three months and she presumes that you're so into her she is surely entitled to pick and choose her terms? You are well rid of her.

You've got your friends, and you've got your kids for the holidays. You really don't need much else. Make the best of it. Think about the fact that you won't have to be under the stress of what someone who has no clue thinks. Ho Ho Ho!

posts: 1584   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8701713
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:26 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

When I read your message, the first thing I thought was you avoided a huge red flag and lots of misery. You mentioned she was complaining about, well it seems, everything. It almost seems like a narcissistic tendency to try to isolate you. You dodged a bullet, you will find a good one.

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3187   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8701719
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 4:32 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Thanks Charity and deena. Yes, it seems so obvious looking back on it. But I really wanted this to work out. She was so wonderful the first 8 weeks. Sadly, she was putting on an act that she couldn’t keep up. It stings, but there has to be better out there. I think she’s more bi-polar than narcissistic, but either way, I’m better off without her. I’m just bummed about the fact that she wasn’t who I thought she was. Thanks for the encouragement and comments.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8701726
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:48 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

It really stinks when people we love let us down. You did the right thing.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1081   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8701728
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I'm really sorry things ended, but it sounds like her true colors were pretty awful. I'm glad she showed you sooner rather than later!

posts: 9497   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8701730
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 11:56 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

This is why we date--to get to know someone and eventually determine whether or not they are someone we want for the long haul (whatever iteration that long haul takes). She wasn't compatible in a number of very important ways, so you're a gentleman for ending it and letting her find someone who is compatible with her (and for you to find someone compatible with you).

While breakups suck to no end, this was the right thing to do. Kudos for you for pulling the trigger.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33054   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8701765
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:13 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

She WAS wonderful until as you stated, she could not keep up the charade.

I believe your life would have been spent listening to her complain and then it would be negativity all day every day.

And her reaction over text messages to the break up is how a CHILD would act.

Glad you are out.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11870   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8701776
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 7:35 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Thanks leafields, JanaGreen, Catwoman, and The1stWife. You are all right. I suppose it was good that she showed me who she really is now instead of 6 months from now. I really did enjoy the first 2 months we spent together - they were amazing. But she came undone these past 3 weeks, and you're right, I would have been on the path to a miserable life. Been there, done that, didn't even get the t-shirt.

I could have milked it through the holidays, but then that just makes it harder to break up a month from now. Plus, the next month would have been a roller coaster, so I'm on the path to "recovery" sooner.

It just sucks right now, and it will suck for a few more days until I get my mind over it. I so badly wanted this to work out. On paper she filled all of the boxes. I hate this feeling. Onward and upward I suppose.

Thanks for your support.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8701837
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 8:05 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

There's new this and new that.
Eventually there's new baggage. The new this and that seems to disappear but the baggage is very persistent and lives on.

After a few months, the guard isn't up as much (they're trying to assert control), less flattering hidden things aren't hidden any more, and there's a lot less biting of the tongue.

She had all that.
Yeah, the killer for me in what you wrote was her statements about your daughter who you were parenting A+. I would have thought: whew, where does this woman's mind spend it's time on days off.

Dating is what it is: finding out about someone. Well, you found out.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1004   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8701842
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

I know this sounds crazy, but I really miss her. There was a lot of good in the relationship, even though she created so much drama that didn't exist. It's frustrating trying to find someone that's the right fit for me. There were things in the relationship that I couldn't put up with, but I miss all of the good stuff. I know intellectually, there will be another better woman out there for me. And probably many more. But I just want one of these relationships to work out. Maybe because exWW seems to have no trouble with POSOM that she cheated on me with and married. Their life looks like the Brady Bunch.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8702778
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Gently, you're seeing their relationship through a curated lens. You've not privy to their reality.

Carol Brady was a widow, not a cheater.

[This message edited by devotedman at 3:59 PM, Monday, December 6th]

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5126   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8702786
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

Thanks devotedman. You're probably correct. I'm less concerned with my exWW's remarriage and more frustrated that I keep finding women who appear to be amazing in the first couple months but then unravel quickly. I really thought this last one had potential, but she created unnecessary drama and said some pretty crazy stuff. Still, I miss the relationship I thought we had in the beginning.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8702790
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 6:10 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

I well understand that.

Back when I was dating I posted some of my experiences using The Woman Who...

The Woman Who Had Had 10 Husbands

The Woman Who Preferred The Incarcerated

The Woman Who Thought Us Engaged (After 1 Date)

The Woman Who Liked Big Words (And Hated my Vocabulary)

The Woman With The Pin-Prick Pupils

and so many more.

Watch out for those red flags!

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5126   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8702802
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

The Woman Who Had Had 10 Husbands

Ouch. I was impressed the one I dated had 5.

posts: 1130   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8702821
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 11:46 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021

She is 39 years old, never married, and has no children. In addition, she's an only child who was pampered her entire life. In the beginning, she did her best to pretend to be someone who she wasn't, but the last few weeks, she just couldn't fake it any more.


Ouch, I shuddered when I read this. I enjoy the flirty banter with women until they reach out for more, and then I internally recoil wondering "Yeah, this is cute and all, but who are you gonna be in six months?"

You've been dating for three months and she presumes that you're so into her she is surely entitled to pick and choose her terms?


Yeah, let the ball-busting begin...

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 217   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8702839
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:32 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

I keep finding women who appear to be amazing in the first couple months but then unravel quickly.

The question is is this them only being able to be that perfect person for a couple of months, or are you doing a version of Hopium in inflating their qualities to see something that just isn't there? If it's the later you need to work on yourself. Remember broken only attracts broken.

posts: 1130   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8702866
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 4:29 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Grubs,

Fair points. I have done a ton of work on myself, but I do agree that I have a ton of hopium. I definitely prefer to be in a committed relationship, and perhaps I do overlook the red flags before they blossom? I know I have a lot to offer. My life has a lot of moving parts (work, kids, dog, exWW, etc) but I manage it very well. I’m willing to commit time to the right woman, and I’m a loyal partner. I just want a partner who compliments me well. I really thought this last one did that, or at least she did for 8 weeks. She just couldn’t keep it up.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8702877
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Alonelyagain ( member #32820) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

I may catch some flak for my comment, but here it goes. I’m a 61 XBH and have been off and on OLD for 3 years, and had 3 relationships during that period. Virtually all of the women I’ve met in my preferred age range of mid to upper-50’s have told me the same thing, that it’s a red flag when a man hasn’t been married and/or doesn’t have kids. They believe that men without kids don’t appreciate the problems or concerns she’s having with her kids and won’t accept her mindset that her kids come first. Over time time, I’ve adopted this as a red flag as well. Early on, I was dating a woman without any kids and had not slept with her, so not serious. It was getting close to July 4th, and told her that I was taking my 3 under-18 kids to see fireworks. She then asked what about her. I responded that we certainly weren’t at the point that I would introduce her to my kids. She then said that my then STBXWW was using my kids as leverage over me during the divorce settlement negotiations and that I should offer STBXWW full custody of my kids. I was like FTW is going through your head, and immediately broke up with her. While I’m sure that there may be an unmarried woman with no kids in my age range who would be a perfect match for me and I would be open to that, but it’s still a red flag for me.

Another thought just popped into my mind. Is it possible that your xgf initially saw the relationship with you as a way to obtain a mothership role for herself and then realized that any relationship with your daughter would not measure up to her idealized conception of a mother-daughter relationship ( which does not exist in reality), and consequently she lashed out to you about your daughter?

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 3:16 PM, Tuesday, December 7th]

posts: 402   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2011   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8702910
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 GotTheShaft (original poster member #52466) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

Thanks Alonelyagain. I had similar thoughts when I started dating her. Not only was she never married and no kids, but she is also an only child. While this might sound superficial, I think that she's never had to consider anyone other than herself. On the other hand, the woman I had dated for 2-1/2 years (who broke up with me a year and a half ago) had 2 crazy teenaged boys which ultimately led to that relationship ending because I couldn't blend the families and feel that I was putting my daughters in a safe situation. I kind of liked the idea that this recent exGF didn't have any kids to add to or complicate the situation. But I do think it's true that women who don't have kids simply don't understand that involved dads put a big importance on their kids.

I don't think this was the issue in my case. I think she has other issues. Her mother has a weird mental stronghold on her, and I think she takes her mother's mental abuse out onto all of her relationships (men she dates as well as female friends). She seems to have a lot of control issues, but the problems we had were because she created drama that just didn't exist. It's really a shame, because I really liked the woman she pretended to be for the first 8 weeks. I'm guessing I'm probably not the only guy she has had these issues with, which is probably why she's never been married.

posts: 425   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8702933
Topic is Sleeping.
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