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Hindsight

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 Dude67 (original poster member #75700) posted at 2:12 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

For all of the BS’s, I wonder if in hindsight you could identify the signs that your WS had the personality traits, capacity, and/or predilection to cheat?

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8695061
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DigitalSpyder ( member #61995) posted at 4:22 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Maybe, but that is in hindsight, which is always 20/20, and I am so much more now then I was then.

Post Tenebras Spero Lucem

posts: 355   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2017   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8695075
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:50 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Looking back I now see a pattern of discontent going back a few years before. She was dissatisfied with everything, car, house, furniture, etc, eventually it was me. I didn’t recognize this as it was happening. We are are 2 years in R and I’ve never known her to be this content.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 872   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8695078
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 4:58 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Nope! I never would have had guessed in a million years, she was capable of betraying me in such a way. Still boggles my mind today.

posts: 1452   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8695080
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:07 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I think it takes less maladaptive behavior and selfishness to cheat than we sometimes make it out to take.

Prior to first hand experience, I think I would have been vulnerable to a similar sort of A.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8695083
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 6:03 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

My hindsight is to never enter into a contract where the other party has a financial incentive to break it.

In other words, don’t get legally married, ever.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:04 AM, October 26th (Tuesday)]

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3391   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8695088
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3yrwait ( member #29907) posted at 11:22 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Even in hindsight, I can’t think of many red flags. Maybe that a person who hates cheaters is worried about themselves being a cheater? Idk.

My hindsights are better applied to myself; I had not known about SI and did everything wrong
a) trust my own instincts. I was well aware of problems, just unwilling to believe them
b) realize you are not the problem. Don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance, improve yourself for yourself, and be willing to dump the cheater.

Me: BH (early 50s)
Her: WW (early 50s)
Married 25 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

posts: 530   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2010   ·   location: 3yrwait
id 8695099
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:52 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

My H wanted to get married. A little back story. We met he was 19 turning 20 and I was his second girlfriend. We met, dated and married after 5 years.

I changed the wedding date a few times b/c I was worried about his life experience. He never lived on his own. Didn’t date much. Very good looking but shy guy.

I remember one conversation a year before the wedding and I told him I was afraid he would have a mid life crisis and decide he didn’t date much and that he missed out on "life". And then end up regretting getting married so young and cheating.

Truer words were never spoken. It all came true.

It is exactly what occurred - typical mid life crisis and the result was an affair wherein he wanted a D and didn’t want to be married.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8695102
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:45 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Sort of? I married a recovering drug addict. He had clearly worked a program and (it seemed) was a very honest forthright person. He hadn't been clean for as many years as he said, but I couldn't know that part. Supposedly his ex-wife had cheated on him and he was very against infidelity. But whatever parts I believed, just marrying a recovering addict was a risk factor that I didn't fully appreciate due to lack of experience in that area. I had concerns, but he seemed so together and so honest. I think I met him at his personal best in life. In hindsight, there were signs but I didn't have the ability to read them then. With another person, these signs wouldn't have meant anything. Even his ex-wife was shocked about the cheating when I shared that with her and she was married to him a lot longer than I was. Either he never got caught when he was with her or he didn't point his addiction issues in that direction then.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4632   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8695113
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Who doesn't? And how many WSes thought they'd never cheat, until they did? What are you trying to get at?

I've always thought I did have the capacity to cheat.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8695116
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I think my biggest bit of hindsight was that I ignored a LOT of red flags. Giving myself some grace here, I will say that I don't know if I knew they were red flags at the time, but I knew for sure there were things that were 'off'. His lack of friendships. His lack of connection with his family. His superiority. His grandiose view of himself when there wasn't really anything to back it up. His lack of empathy. He was also a 'recovering' addict (in air quotes because though he had stopped using, he never did any work on it like support groups/therapy... having a mom who is a recovering alcoholic that is very active in AA and working her steps, this one definitely stands out now). The fact that his first ex-wife contacted me to tell me what a POS he was and that he was a cheater (to be fair, she really is crazy though, so I didn't think to believe her at the time). Yep - I ignored all that (seriously wtaf was I thinking?!?)

Hindsight being what it is I can confidently say that I will likely make a lot of mistakes in the future, but ignoring giant flapping red flags like this won't be among them.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3201   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8695115
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I should have ran before the wedding. Pretty selfish. Always looking for the negatives in everything external to herself. Very unforgiving. She would cycle through close friends (both work and non work) Seldom keeping one close for over a year. In retrospect the fact that I made it to 9 years a testament to the effort I put in.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8695117
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DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 3:17 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Nope I missed all the signs in all 3 the major relationships that ended in infidelity in my life. Their patterns were different, but the outcomes were the same.

These people are good at hiding their evil nature until it's impossible to hide any longer.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8695119
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:03 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

In hindsight his selfishness, ego centric and entitled behaviour at points should have been a red flag. But when you combine that with a character that constantly makes statements and adopts behaviours so opposed to cheating it’s hard to think he may cheat.

For example he would often come home and make judgemental remarks about cheaters he saw at work. He was/is a bit of a hypochondriac and would make statements such as "the thought of dating and sleeping with another person now is so eww" (yup, he used absolutely no protection because she said she was clean 🤦‍♀️) and was dedicated to us mostly, all his free time was spend with us.

He did cheat though and he cheated with someone he would Not have dated in real life.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 4:14 PM, Tuesday, October 26th]

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1412   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8695123
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Cabernet ( member #72890) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

In hindsight, his flirty 'nature' should have got my attention. Along with his 'poor me' attitude when he didn't get his way...

Well I've been afraid of changin' 'cause I
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children grow older
I'm getting older too

posts: 71   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2020
id 8695124
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 4:43 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Yes and I allowed those character flaws to thrive by my own altruism and believing whatever she told me regardless of how much evidence was to the contrary. All of it was to my short and long-term detriment. Fortunately I only wasted 20 years though, right??

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8695130
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redfish ( member #71426) posted at 6:20 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I think my biggest bit of hindsight was that I ignored a LOT of red flags.

I ignored a lot of red flags. Brought them up to her and say I was uncomfortable with what went on. Believed her with her explanation and rug swept the incident. I did not explain my boundaries and what boundaries I wanted from her for our relationship and forthcoming marriage to work. Not having consequences when she kept on breaking those boundaries.

Like a child who you tell the punishment is not desert for a week and then two days later let them have desert.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8695146
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gldnxspirals ( new member #79359) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

Of course. Like The1stWife, WH and I met young (20), he was such a good looking guy but had such minimal experience across all fronts... life, dating, sex, etc. His traumatic childhood and lack of emotional depth did tip me off, but I mistook that for strength instead of a massive deficiency. Clearly there was a void and I thought I was special enough to fill it. WH cheated on me year 1 of us dating (opportunistic while on his first real vacation with family). I gave him a second chance, and he rode that change all the way into year 3 of our marriage, I'm pregnant with our second child, and he's on online dating websites trying to get attention from women. Again, nothing was disclosed to me, I had to discover it. By the time he was ready to have a full blown affair 2 years later, he took it completely underground. I truly had no idea.

So yea, hindsight. 20 effing 20.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Northeast
id 8695183
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:57 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

duplicate post.

[This message edited by src9043 at 11:59 PM, Tuesday, October 26th]

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8695200
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:58 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

There were plenty of red flags that I ignored. I thought that I was so great that she would never want to risk losing me by cheating on me. Ha! What an idiot I was to think that way. I was young and stupid. The night I met her, red flags were flapping all over the place. I said to myself that she must have been raised by wolves. My first impression was spot on. How I was so dumb to marry her is beyond me. I was inexperienced and it cost me.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8695201
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