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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 12:27 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
Seems like we're answering two separate questions here. One is about signs that could be spotted early in the relationship , well before the A. The other is more leading up to and during the A.
In our case, my FWW had two occasions early in our relationship where we she showed that she was willing to be dishonest with me to pursue her own validation or gratification. In one she allowed a man to touch her, not sexually but inappropriately, and wrote in her journal how much she enjoyed that and wanted more of it. In another she attended a party that she kept secret from me, got drunk, and ended up spending the night (with no sexual activity that she ever admitted). So in general, I would say a willingness to keep secrets to pursue her own gratification.
There was also a long running difference of opinion that should have been a red flag. She asked if I would fight for her if another man were interested in her. I told her no, because if she really loved me the way I loved her, she would never pit me against another man for her love. She always resented this. She was stuck on the fact that I wouldn't fight for her and completely ignored the fact that she was essentially posing a scenario where she had no commitment to me unless I fought for her. For me, love meant fidelity. For her, the options were always open.
Leading up to and during the affair there were more signs than I can count that she was ready to cheat. My gut was screaming that something was wrong but I had this notion that we had a relationship based on complete trust and honesty. Even questioning her honesty was a betrayal of that trust.
She spent more and more time away. She spent more and more time in chat rooms, mainly with guys. She turned into a "party girl" and started doing the things that we had once done as a couple with a group of friends that included her soon to be AP. And most brazen of all, she talked incessantly about the AP, the stories he told, books they read, his fucking family history... I wish I could go back and slap some sense into myself.
Me: 62, BS -- Her: 61, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled
BrokenChief ( new member #79372) posted at 12:57 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
Even in hindsight, I can’t think of many red flags. Maybe that a person who hates cheaters is worried about themselves being a cheater?
My WW was always possessive and jealous. I Anaya thought it was bc she really loved me and didn't want to lose me. Now, I'm convinced it was because she knew what she was capable of doing, and assumed I was wired the same way.
I never had any signs she'd do this. With my BF as her AP. We always agreed that if either of us was truly unhappy we'd walk. Instead of cheating. That worked out abysmally...
I'm 37, WW is 36. DDAY: Jul '21
EA started in March 21, then she left me Apr 21 and started PA.AP was one of my only friends and he was also the husband of WW's friend.
Currently in R. Some days better than others...
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:08 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
I had been cheated on and lied to by two different boyfriends before I met WH. I also grew up in the military and didn’t want that life.
WH was military, assured me he was only in for 4 years,
Then lied about a previous girlfriend cheating on him (which he denies now)
Yes, flipping red banners instead of flags
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 9:12 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
At the beginning of things, first two years, she was really sweet and I was hooked. Then the red flags began waving. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, I had thick lenses in my love goggles for her. I was a dope and married her, being a dope hurt.
WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 10:29 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
He had friends with benefits before we dated that he didn’t tell me about until long after I was a part of that circle of friends.
I went with him to his 10 yr high school reunion early on in the dating process, where he practically made out with his high school crush when we left...while I was sitting there in the car.
Either just before, or just after we were engaged… So we were already seriously involved… We went to a club, and ran into his ex fiancé. It happened to be her birthday, and when we all spoke to each other, he asked her where her fiancé was. She explained that he had to work. He was "down" emotionally for the rest of the evening. When I finally asked him about why, he said that he was angry her fiancé wasn’t celebrating her birthday with her, that he loved her, and always would. And that I would just have to accept that.
And on...and on...and on...
...and I would have NEVER expected it until I saw the picture of the naked prostitute in the hotel room with him on the bed "erect".
So, yeah, I’m basically an idiot.
But in my defense, albeit a weak one, I think sometimes we just can’t afford the thought that it could ever be even a possibility… No matter the signs.
"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
With OW1. Nope not even a hint that anything was happening. We were both dealing with a sick child so very stressed out but nothing that screamed or even whispered "hes cheating". Then i found the email. Again totally by accident.
Ow2. Ya i knew something was up. Locking his phone, hiding when he was on it. Distant, snappy, refused sex many nights (because he had fucked her hours before).
In between ow1 and 2 there was the looking online for NSA sex. Many online profiles, his own and responding to others.
Thats when i set him up. Created an online persona, email, photos and messaged one of his ads. Less than a week chatting and he wanted to meet for sex.
Instead he met me...
Obviosuly getting caught didnt stop him. I know of at least two other ow's where he worked and suspect more after ow2.
I also know he didnt stop the online stuff for ages. In fact hes back at it.
Serial cheater is an understatement.
Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.
1girlsmom ( member #63541) posted at 6:19 AM on Thursday, October 28th, 2021
Man, I missed the red flags like I had blinders on.
My WH has this need to be told how smart he is.
I never thought anything of it through the years as he would talk about troubleshooting problems at work & how this coworker had been on a problem for two days & he figured it out in 30 minutes.
He has this unstoppable urge to give unsolicited advice.
We met at a large factory & all day his name would be called over the loudspeaker for help in every area there so that probably really stroked his ego.
Now I think it's just been a gross need for validation so I just look at him expressionless when he tells me things about work.
He also had a shitty mom & dad, shitty home life.
He lied throughout the entire marriage & I was an oblivious idiot.
Red flags.
Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021
In short, so very "yes."
And Redfish speaks for me...
I ignored a lot of red flags. Brought them up to her and say I was uncomfortable with what went on. Believed her with her explanation and rug swept the incident. I did not explain my boundaries and what boundaries I wanted from her for our relationship and forthcoming marriage to work. Not having consequences when she kept on breaking those boundaries.
Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021
I definitely ignored red flags. I saw crappy boundaries from go. He gave me a story when we first met about how his GF was crazy and cheated on him
more like him who cheated.
What I was not anticipating after discovering infidelity was a whole underground layer of yuck spanning back to when we first married and a personality disorder to boot.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:11 PM, Tuesday, November 2nd]
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
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