Newest Member: AcesEights

Just Found Out :
4 year affair, it hurts so much

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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 11:38 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021

Hey OP, sorry this has landed on you.

The AP especially would have lost most of his career prospects.

You know maybe we're a bunch of heartless, cynical bastards here on Surviving Infidelity... but I bet most of us would say this is great, out the fucker and ruin his career prospects.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8672604
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

ConfusedMD,

2015 - we started the relationship after her sort of pursuing me more than I pursuing her

2016 - when he contacted her again, when she was depressed

2018 - she gives in to sex with AP

2019 - we got married and got pregnant shortly after. We decided to save ourselves and didnt have sex until after the wedding

2020 - he dumped her

2021 January - she (sort of) dumped him back

2021 June - she confesses the affair

Gently, I believe that you need to have your child tested for DNA. There is a strong possibility that he is not your biological child. Especially if she was having regular sex with the AP...while you were "waiting until after marriage".

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8672652
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 4:29 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

It turns out she was having regular sex with AP while you're waiting up after your marriage? I agree that you should have your child DNA tested.

It hurts but she doesn't love you. She married you because you are her safe bet. She can't marry AP because he's already taken. She needs to take the next best thing because her calendar is closing up on her. You are the next choice.

If she really loved you then you could have at least a similar attention with AP but it turns out she was enjoying herself with AP all along while waiting up to be married before she gave herself to you. That's kind of weird thing to do because she's not that demure at all. She was having all the sex she needs while you're on the sidelines. Maybe she had more sex with AP than with you all throughout your marriage.

I would leave if I were you. She's not in love you, that's the truth. You are her safe place to be but she doesn't love you.

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 4:34 AM, Tuesday, July 6th]

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8672662
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Don't fall for the depression on her part and the inclination to comfort her. She doesn't deserve it.

This.^^^^^

She is playing the pity card. If it doesn’t work you can expect different cards to come out of the deck. The sex card, the anger card, etc. etc.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1609   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8672908
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 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 12:04 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

A short update: We agreed to do the STD tests next week. Nothing much has changed except our body weight, we are both unable to eat, or sleep much.

Can anyone give me a list of WWs in here who have been genuinely remorseful? Maybe I can compare my wife's actions to theirs.

posts: 28   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8673049
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DBFool2019 ( member #72288) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Please reread your own words OP. Why are you doing this to yourself?

I'm 30 years old, married to my wife (32) for almost 2 years. About 2 months ago, my wife told me that she got a friend request from her ex from 9 years ago. He was her first love, first sex, first everything, but due to him serially cheating, she broke up with him, but not without so much heart ache on her part. We met about a year or two later, started a relationship in 2015, and married on June 2019. We have a son born last June 2020.

Anyway, the last time that they had communication was in 2013, until she apparently had received a friend request last Feb or March from him. She knows that I have feelings of jealousy about him, and it has been a sort of unwritten rule that she would never contact him again, and she would tell me if he did contact her (It's an offshoot of our agreement of no secrets, nothing hidden in our marriage esp with regards to things that might threaten our marriage.) She told me about the friend request about 2-4 weeks after (when, per our agreement, it should have been disclosed immediately). She said she declined the friend request. I was a bit worried but let it pass since it was just something minor.

Everything else has been unsuspicious until 1 week ago, when I logged into her messenger account (we both have each others' PW on everything, and regularly check the others' SM accounts. I rarely do this, but out of a hunch, I went to her archived messages, and there was a missed call from her ex at 1am the previous night while I was at work. It wasn't answered, but why would she hide it from me?

I tried to remain calm and waited for her to eventually tell me, but she didnt. On the 3rd day, I couldn't hold it any longer so I confronted her about it. We had a very bad fight (mostly because of me), and she said she saw the missed call but has no idea how it was transferred to the archived messages. We fought the entire day, I was very angry why she did not tell me about it but instead hid it from me, she denied any wrongdoing.

I made her ask him why he called, but he replied that he "wrong pressed." I called bullshit. How can you wrongly press "call" on a messenger account that you haven't been in contact with since 2012?

About 2 days ago, he again called her, and when she didnt answer, he proceeded to ask her why she isn't answering. Since our last fight, Ive been kind and calm, but I don't know why he has the balls to suddenly keep calling my wife out of the blue, and more than once at that.

Am I just being overly obsessive and harsh about it? Or should I investigate further?

[This message edited by DBFool2019 at 8:12 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

posts: 124   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019
id 8673072
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Hi Doc

I thought this list of actions by a remorseful wayward spouse would be helpful to you. Take what applies to your situation. Some you may already have done.

Does she still go visit her hometown every two weeks? If so how does she prove No Contact with the AP? Sorry if this was asked and answered already.

Here ya go…. I wish you well.

Conditions to consider Reconciliation

1) NC LETTER: Together we write a No Contact letter that we send to your boyfriend. No signs of affection toward him will be relayed at all. It will Be matter of fact and remove him from your life forever.

2) NO CONTACT. Meaning if you work with him you quit your job and find another so you can never see him or run into him again. Real ghosting. Blocking him from everything. If He tries to contact you then you do not respond and you tell me. If he persists our lawyer will send him a cease and desist.

3) TIMELINE: You write out a full timeline of your Affair. Every little detail. Each day you communicated, what was said, even if you were inappropriate and raunchy. The days you were alone together, the physically touching. What you touched, what he touched, how long, and what you said to each other. All sex acts are described. Every single thing. I need to know the truth before I can try and reconcile from it. We will sit together and review it and you’ll openly answer questions about it. You know the truth, I need to know it as well as you do if we are going to have a chance to save this marriage.

4) APOLOGY: You'll write me a letter of apology explaining why you think you did what you did and what it would mean to you to have me stay and work on the marriage. It should include how you think you made me feel during all this time.

5) TIMELINE: Once we have reviewed the timeline and letter you will agree to a polygraph to confirm you have told me the truth.

6) IC: We will both do Individual Counseling. You to figure out why you were willing and able to go beyond our marriage vows. And me to work thru the pain you have caused me.

7) MC: At a later point we will start Marriage Counseling to work on what was missing from the Marriage. But only after we both work on ourselves first. I decide when this starts

8) EXPOSURE:. The true nature of the affair will be exposed to both our families and appropriate close friends. They need to be able to help us make it thru this Reconciliation. Doing this alone with just the two of us and no one else knowing is doomed for failure. If you are truly Remorseful you will be the one to admit what you have done. I will be there to let them know that even though they are probably mad at you for what you have done but I ask that they support you as a couple while you are trying to work through this painful time in your marriage

9)INFORMING OTHER SPOUSE: If your boyfriend has a wife or Girlfriend you will help me contact this spouse. You will not warn him about this as that would be breaking No Contact and if you do we are through.

10) INTIMACY: Intimacy will be on my terms. Whatever I need to heal in whatever fashion you deem necessary. You cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to, however, I have the right to decide if denying me the intimacy I need is a deal breaker for me.

11) POSTNUP: We will look into implementing a postnup that ensures my financial security and terms of parenting if you ever cheat again.

12) TRANSPARENCY: You will provide open access to all your technology from now on. On demand. No time to delete stuff. I will agree to do the same. If you dont then I assume you are obviously more interested in having secrets than continuing your Marriage. I may also ask for another phone set up as yours so I can actively monitor your activity

13) OUTSIDE RELATIONSHIPS: No more going out without each other unless otherwise approved. Confirming your whereabouts and who you are with will be required as needed.

14) INTERACTION: No more meeting alone with a man. No lunches, dinners, drinks whatever. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.

15) READING: We both will do reading on infidelity and we will use them to discuss our marriage. This includes materials such as "Not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair”

16) STD: STD testing for both of us with Visual proof of the results is required. And we will DNA test the kids and you will pay for it by selling something of value to only you or you working additionally to defray the cost.

17) FUTURE INFIDELITY: No new affairs. If so D papers will be served immediately. No lies about relationships with others any more. If so we are done.

18) COMMUNICATION: Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our lives together.

19) CONFIDANTS: No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman unless we discuss it first and I confirm that it’s ok to talk to that specific person about it.

20) OUR HOME: No one comes in to our home without both us knowing.

21) COMMUNICATION- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear. Discuss all attractions. Discuss all third party attention. Discuss all feelings good and bad. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that to your spouse.

22) CHARACTER: We don't do or say anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.

23) AFFECTION: we work to show each other moments of tenderness, acts of passion, the creation of new memories, all thru time spent together.

24) ENEMIES: You drop any friends or family members that encouraged or helped you hide the affair. Complete NC with them.

25) OWNING THE A: Ownership of your actions during your affair and no more blameshifting or excuses for your actions.

26)ACTIVELY ENGAGING I need to be treated better than your boyfriend. Whatever you did for him you will have to go further for me. We together will discuss what that means.

27) FINANCIALS: If there were major expenses incurred by you during the A and spent on the AP then you as the Wayward Spouse must find a way to pay back the Marriage for those expenses either by taking on another job or by selling something of value only to you. This will show me that you are ALL IN.

28) EXPOSURE OF GIFTS: any gifts given by the AP are to be destroyed or sold with the funds used for charity or other purpose not benefiting the WS

29) REMOVING MEMORIES: any clothes worn during the affair or household items used (eg couches, beds) should be sold and replaced only by the WS raising the funds on their own (eg second job or selling something of value only to them)

30) SYMBOLS: You ask your betrayed spouse if they want you to continue to wear your wedding ring. It’s up to them. If they feel your actions have ended the M and therefore don’t deserve to wear it until you’ve helped them heal and made them feel safe in the relationship again then you take it off. Perhaps wear a ring that is different than a wedding ring in its place if that’s ok with your betrayed spouse. Either give the wedding ring to them or store it safely until someday they feel comfortable enough for you to wear it again. When that day comes they may want new rings as the old one represents a M that no longer exists. You should discuss this with them when the time comes.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3223   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8673076