Newest Member: CereBella

Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 9:25 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Yes, snooping is wrong

Nope. "Snooping" is NOT wrong when you're dealing with shady people doing shady shit.

Stop telling yourself that. Do not take that in. You did NOTHING wrong.

You didn't "snoop" anyway.

Reframe: You took reasonable, logical, rational steps to protect yourself and your own sanity because you felt in your gut something was wrong. You took moral right action to ensure you were not being misled.

You found out you were being misled.

Now you know that and can act on it.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659847
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 9:40 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I know.

I've to stay strong

I'm fighting with everything that I ve to do not call her and go "rescue" her.

It's unfixable.

She is 100% convinced that I ve abused her, the affair was a reaction, that she has full right to her privacy, that her friend is amazing and that by stop talking to the AP (never really closing that door) she is in the right.

I've to remind myself that there is nothing I can do

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659848
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 9:43 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I'm fighting with everything that I ve to do not call her and go "rescue" her.

Don't do it. No contact. Respect yourself by putting boundaries in place.

Please read about the "hard 180" now:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

The Hard 180 is a cold dose of reality for everyone involved, but most especially for you, when you are in a situation in which you are continuing to be actively or passively hurt. In effect, you are saying "I am hurt by this behaviour and if/as it continues I will evaluate all of my options to take care of myself". You must be willing to uphold your boundaries and step away from the situation to move forward on your own when that is the only thing that you are able to change and control. Not only that, but you put up protective walls to cut off emotional ties to toxic relationships.

Implement the hard 180 and go no contact. See an attorney and do what he/she says.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659850
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 9:47 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I know.

I'm DYING to the idea that perhaps now the AP will go "comfort" her.

My soul is being ripped away. I am literally losing it.

I might need to get some help right now

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659852
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psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 11:27 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Alucard, please call someone if you’re feeling desperate. You are traumatized and may not be thinking clearly because if that. As bad as it seems right now, it WILL get better and you will pull through this. I’m so sorry you’re struggling as you are.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 8659860
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 11:36 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Fact: your WW does not meet any of the R standards, at all. Not one of the big ones.

When you posted she doesn't want this.. her privacy .. her friend ... not stopping the A... .

Anyone of those should be a show stopper. And I'm not even sure just how many other selfish R killing things there is in all she's said and does. She's on the wrong side of every decision.

When R is gone, you know what's left.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 964   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8659861
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 12:26 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Thank you all for the support.

I m better. I jumped in my vintage convertible and driving to my friend estate to spend a weekend, there are events and parties.

Enough.

She called me twice. I didn't answer. I'll block her.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659863
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:33 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

She accused me of spying, to "insult" her good friend that told the AP to fuck off and defended our marriage.

Okay, good for her friend if it's true. But is it her friend or herself the main issue here? What about herself? What is the point of sending an inviting message to the AP if her friend is also standing by the marriage? Shouldn't she clarify this issue before defending her friend?

Of course she had no satisfactory explanation, so she did the most logical thing; to cry and disappear.

Don't buy it and move on with your life. You will be surprised to see that half of the world's population are women. Moreover, the majority of them are faithful to their spouse.

posts: 518   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8659865
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 1:05 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

Your WW is free to date whoever she wants, but not as your wife.

She doesn’t get to have a private life where she communicates with her AP and a married life at the dame time.

When she does that, she abuses you. And because you love her, it’s hard to get out of this abusive relationship.

I am divorced and remarried. When my wife asks for my phone, I just give it to her. I have nothing to hide. Besides, “my” phone is common property. Anything purchased while married belongs to both spouses. Your phone is her phone, her phone is your phone.

She is 100% convinced that I ve abused her, the affair was a reaction, that she has full right to her privacy, that her friend is amazing and that by stop talking to the AP (never really closing that door) she is in the right.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks. Because you have decided to remove yourself from this situation by D, none of the above matters.

I can assure you that cheaters will always find excuses for their behavior and often blame the BS. It happens all the time.

Don’t bother arguing with her. Talk to a lawyer instead.

If this helps you, you can think of your past adventures with her as really cool, but you have now moved on.

I learned a new culture with my XWW and went to beautiful places, learned a new language. All that is not “lost”. But I have no interest iat all in her now.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1442   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8659868
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 2:17 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

She called me twice. I didn't answer. I'll block her.

This is good IMO. You are getting away from things for a while, to clear your head.

(But you may want to text her to let her know that you are ok, safe and will be away for a few days and will be back to talk details of the next steps soon)

I see this recent talk as turning point, letting her know that you are strong and won't take her BS anymore, and that you will end up on your feet, not a crumpled mess in the corner.

There is a good chance that since she cannot get in touch with you she is contacting her toxic friend and her lover. That is to be expected and she will blame you for that. She craves the drama and playing the victim.

Things are not over, we all can see that but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:20 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8659876
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 2:36 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

I'm suffering that she is in pain.

She wrote me that she wants nothing but fixing the marriage. That she wasn't communicating but that I've been surveling her for 6 months

I'm dying, I want to answer and reassure her. So far I haven't answered

I know she is for sure taking to her friends and they are telling here now abusive I am and to leave me

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659877
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:04 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

I guess your pain doesn’t count? Really?

If you’ve learned nothing else all cheaters lie a lot.

Her words don’t mean squat.

Look at her actions.

She expects her privacy to cheat.

No Contact will clear your mind and bring clarity.

I can assure you this isn’t the end of your world but it could be the beginning if you fully wake up.

posts: 6704   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659880
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:44 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

What is it that you're trying to accomplish? You had what was essentially a broken NC and some attitude with a friend, and yes, I'd agree that it's pretty damned serious. But NOT serious enough to end your relationship unless that's what you WANT. It looks like your WW was initially suspicious and angry about your monitoring, but predictably, now she's wanting to talk. So, I don't get why you're not talking unless divorce your preferred outcome. The situation appears to be correctable if you'd rather have R, but I do think you need to make a decision.

posts: 4591   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659884
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 4:14 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

I don't want to lose her, but I can't leave any longer knowing that she has feelings or some attachment wirh this person.

I want truth. She doesn't want to give it to me. Or I guess I don't want to see the truth. She is not ready to really let this person go. And there is nothing I can do

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659887
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:15 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

You had what was essentially a broken NC and some attitude with a friend

It was a broken NC and fishing expedition to see if the AP was receptive. We don’t help by participating in minimizing wayward behavior. She DARVO’d and left after he asked a simple series of questions.

Then I discovered she was still in contact with the AP. Big fight, she begs me for another chance. I say OK

Then a second time.

Then a third time.

Repeatedly breaking NC

In the meantime, she denies and gaslight, and NEVER let me access her devices.

Routine gaslighting and lack of transparency

Emboldened by her friend, she started to tell me how abuse I had been in all our lives, how all was my fault, how I pushed her away to someone else. How things were never good between us, how terrible everything was.

Rewriting history and false accusations of abuse

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:29 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659888
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 4:21 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

She texted me that I'm exploiting her trauma by making her worry.

I told her I. Ok and told her to be safe and take care of herself. She answered "no" and stopped texting.

It's judt pointless

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659890
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 alucard (original poster member #78796) posted at 4:21 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

She texted me that I'm exploiting her trauma by making her worry.

I told her I. Ok and told her to be safe and take care of herself. She answered "no" and stopped texting.

It's judt pointless

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659891
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 4:23 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

There's no minimization. Broken NC's happen in R, but they ARE correctable. Further, if I'm reading the OP's account correctly, the broken NC wasn't even direct. It was through the bad friend. So, yeah... I do think there's hope for his marriage. I think if he can go back and correct the rugsweeping mistake where they didn't make provisions for checking, that they might be able to get back on track. Certainly, if he's wanting to divorce, she's already given him enough reason, so he can just do that. But if he's not ready to end the marriage, I don't seen any reason not to work on the issues.

posts: 4591   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659893
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:25 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

the broken NC wasn't even direct.

Read it again. There has been repeated broken NC. That’s not reconciliation (unless you have a very different definition of R than most).

they didn't make provisions for checking, that they might be able to get back on track.

Geez read the story. She doesn’t want that and has made it clear. She has repeatedly refused transparency.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:27 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4337   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659894
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 4:26 AM on Sunday, May 16th, 2021

She texted me that I'm exploiting her trauma by making her worry.

I told her I. Ok and told her to be safe and take care of herself. She answered "no" and stopped texting.

It's judt pointless

Well, that's not very adult. I think you could text her back and tell her that when she's ready to talk like an adult instead of a teenager, she should feel free to contact you. But if she leaves it too long, she can talk to your attorney instead. Her choice. Remember, she might be pissy about you looking at the phone, but you caught her in broken contact with an AP. YOU are the aggrieved party.

posts: 4591   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659895
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