Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 12:44 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I hear all of you.

Deep down I know all these things, but my love for her, my innate trust for her, and a stupid belief that we can xi this, and my weakness of course do not allow me to fully grasp that.

Even now I see her as my loving wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in this incarnation and this sacred journey.

She just calls me asking me to go on a sunset hike together.

I;m trying to justify her, she hid me the AP contacting her friend just because she wants to protect us,she doesn't want us to go through that pain again.

Tha I think about the text she exchanged with the toxic friend

She told her to say " I know that WW cares about you a lot"

She is "heartbroken" "the AP will never change"

and again I'm reminded that I'm Plan B. If AP would show initiative and recommitment, she would probably drop me instantly.

9 months of so-called "R". Rituals, pain, talking, psychedelics together, massive two months trip, recommitment, her seeing my pain. Nothing. Nothing works.

You are all right. It needs to come from within her, there is nothing I can do.

I've to pack my stuff and move on with my life.

I was thinking to give her one more chance to come clean, but what's the point? It's just pointless.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659663
default

Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 2:45 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

alucard:

you have lost touch with the reality of what your WW thinks of you and your marriage

Not Just Friends

posts: 546   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8659679
default

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:59 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

...but my love for her, my innate trust for her, and a stupid belief that we can xi this, and my weakness of course do not allow me to fully grasp that.

Even now I see her as my loving wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in this incarnation and this sacred journey.

This is what makes cheaters worse than ordinary baddies. They don't choose to harm to any ordinary person, but to people who love, respect, do good for them. If you didn't love her that much, she wouldn't be able to do these evils to you. She probably couldn't do that to her AP, because he wouldn't even care.

You should stop seeing her and your marriage

like fairy tale. Obviously this doesn't apply to her and she did this a long time ago. You have to see the facts as they are.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8659683
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:44 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You’re currently living in fear. Why? Fear of Losing her? What would you be losing? Plus she’s already gone.

You even worry about losing her trust by snooping? Why?

Did you agree to give her the privacy to cheat?

Currently you are letting her control you. Why?

Cheaters lie a lot. You should know this by now.

A Cheaters best friend is there spouses indecision.

She may have a lousy friend but she’s picking that lousy friend over you and your marriage.

Until you drop the hopium pipe and deal with reality this will be your life.

You can only be a chump if you allow it. No one else has that power over you unless you give it to them.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659692
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:47 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You are all right. It needs to come from within her, there is nothing I can do.

Right now although your wayward wife is a problem you are your biggest problem.

Until you get strong stay there and refuse to live in infidelity nothing will change.

Unless you change it.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659693
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 3:56 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

you have lost touch with the reality of what your WW thinks of you and your marriage

I know. The more rational and grounded part of me understands that

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659694
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 3:57 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Obviously this doesn't apply to her and she did this a long time ago. You have to see the facts as they are

.

I know. This is the realization that I can't seem to fully grasp

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659695
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 4:01 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You’re currently living in fear. Why? Fear of Losing her? What would you be losing? Plus she’s already gone.

You even worry about losing her trust by snooping? Why?

Did you agree to give her the privacy to cheat?

Currently you are letting her control you. Why?

Cheaters lie a lot. You should know this by now.

A Cheaters best friend is there spouses indecision.

She may have a lousy friend but she’s picking that lousy friend over you and your marriage.

Until you drop the hopium pipe and deal with reality this will be your life.

You can only be a chump if you allow it. No one else has that power over you unless you give it to them

.

All good questions.

I'll ask as honestly and I can

I live in fear of losing her. Us. Technically she is still here and we are still trying correct ( being of course hypothetical and ironic)

I let her control me because I'm scared of losing her.

I know, she chose a terrible toxic friend over me.

I understand that at this point I'm the one allowing it to happen.

There are no more talks to have. No more "journey to take.

I ve to leave and D

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659696
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:21 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Do yourself a favor.

Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

If you don’t fix yourself this is going to be the life you have.

You deserve better.

You can do this just like many others have.

Get strong and stay there. You teach people how they can treat you. What have you been teaching your wayward wife?

[This message edited by Marz at 10:22 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659701
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 4:59 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Get strong and stay there

What do you mean?

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659704
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:36 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Read up on the healing library on the left had side of the forum in the yellow box.

Start with the 180. Knowledge is power. You can do this.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/simplified-180.asp

You take control of yourself and your life. Put the hopium pipe down. Look at her actions, ignore her words.

Cutting contact is imperative. It will help clear your mind and bring you clarity. You need to see her for who she is not what you want to see.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:38 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659709
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:46 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You start moving away she pulls you back because you let her.

She’s a cake eater. Wants her other man but keeps you dangling on her string because currently he doesn’t want her.

She doesn’t want you. Only your security.

Why put yourself in this position? There is no one and only, soulmate. You are keeping yourself tied down in this so you’ll never find the one who is right for you.

Wake up and deal with this. It won’t go away or get better.

The Calvary isn’t coming to rescue you. You have to do it.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8659712
default

Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 12:20 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You are equating fighting for your marriage with rug sweeping and living in limbo. That is not fighting foe your marriage. That is a recipe for living in constant pain when you have a WW who continues to cheat. And any communication of any sort means her A continues.

If you truly want to fight for your marriage you confront and be open and honest w what you need.

And in order to do that you should say something like the following to her:

I love you, and I am in love with you. But I cannot and will not live with someone who is clearly in love with another man.

I know you. I know my wife. I can tell. I can tell when you are in contact with him. Your demeanor changes. I can feel it. And I won’t live with it.

You promised to be honest. You promised to tell me when you hear from him. You promised to no longer communicate with him. And yet I know you are daydreaming about him. I know you are contemplated life with him.

So now is your chance. I’m letting you go. You don’t love me as I need to be loved. If you did, you’d see how toxic he is to me and our marriage and you’d do everything in your power to rid him from our lives forever. But you haven’t done that. And that says everything.

So go. Pursue your dream. I’m letting you out of my life.

I need to go and heal myself. I promise to work with you to legally end the marriage your affair has already destroyed as simply as we can. I can no longer live someone who’s heart is elsewhere. I wish you the best. No need to discuss things anymore. We have talked and talked and for some reason you cannot let him go. So I’m gibing you what you want.

I wish you well.

That my friend is the only path you can take right now. What you are doing right now will NOT save your marriage. I and others here are showing you the only path that gives you a chance, albeit a small one, for her to finally start doing what needs to be done to rebuild.

If she comes back w pleas to try again, tell her it starts with dumping the AP and her toxic friend. And then it takes months and years of work to rebuild trust. And that work is NOT as your wife so the D continues while she does intense IC.

Tell her you don’t believe she has it in her to do, but she has every opportunity to prove you wrong. And there is no guarantee that comes along with that work that you’ll accept it in the end.

This path will only guarantee you will get OUT OF INFIDELITY, either with or without her. Please consider taking it.

Tell her something like the above today and start on your path to find a happier life.

I wish you well.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8659739
default

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:54 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Even now I see her as my loving wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in this incarnation and this sacred journey.

This is a bit of a 2x4 coming in what follows, and it isn't meant to be harsh or mean-spirited -- but rather as a splash of cold water for a man who is limping along in a stupor.

There's a lot of toxic "red pill" BS out there on the Interwebs. But one thing they have down pat is a phenomenon called "pedestalizing."

This is pedestalizing right here, what you're doing. You're putting your WW up on a pedestal, as if she's some flawless statue of a Hellenistic goddess.

She's not, she doesn't deserve to be on that pedestal, and she never did.

Love is a verb. It isn't a vague thing. Love is a series of actions. When someone acts in unloving ways over and over, that's the opposite of love.

Please disabuse yourself of this series of wrong-headed notions pronto. Real life doesn't work at all in the way you're describing.

Your WW is not on a sacred journey with you, clearly.

She's not your soulmate.

There ARE NO soulmates. That's a myth. There are dozens of women in your geographic proximity that you could meet, be mightily attracted to, find them mutually attracted to you, who would be suitable life partners for you. Dozens. Way more than you'd have time to develop relationships with. None of them are your soulmate, either.

But you know what? Not very many of them would do to you what your WW has done and is continuing to do.

Lastly, she's certainly not your best friend. Best friends don't treat best friends the way she's treating you -- with contempt, disrespect, cruelty. They just don't.

There are a lot of folks here struggling with reconciliation, half-reconciliation, limbo, you name it. I'm one of those folks. It's grueling. It's painful. I doubt whether I should stay in it all the time. You can read my threads to see the struggle.

There are a lot of practical reasons to stay with a wayward spouse. But even those who consider themselves in the most ideal reconciliations will rarely try to claim that they see their wayward spouse in the same light ever again, and you're a long long way from that ideal.

The relationship in a reconciliation is permanently altered. Permanently. And rarely is it something anyone would consider a Hollywood ending. Probably never in fact .And the one thing you won't find a lot of is continuing to pedestalize a wayward spouse.

I'm hoping for the best for you. The first thing you must do is get your head clear of these wrong notions: Soulmate, loving wife, best friend, partner on a sacred journey.

Not a single one of those things is true with this woman now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:00 AM, May 15th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659766
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 5:40 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Stevesn

Thank you.

That's the exact talk I gave her post-discovery when I was deciding on R.

She promised me to honor us and the truth.

She hasn't.

I think I'm going to have this talk today once and for all. I can't keep it inside anymore.

What an immense shame

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659793
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 5:43 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Thumos

I hear you.

We had an incredible journey together but I understand what you mean.

During R we had countless beautiful moments of true connection, healing and apologies.

I know that she loves mem but somehow she cannot let this all drama go; she cannon let this person behind.

I've to accept it and remove myself. I'll always love her but as it stands, it's just too painful. It is ripping my soul out of my body, on a daily basis

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659796
default

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:31 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

During R we had countless beautiful moments of true connection, healing and apologies.

And that was all with her fingers crossed behind her back. Get it?

The moments of healing were false R, because she was keeping one foot in each camp. That's not healing.

The true connection was false R, because she wasn't truly connecting you with all. She was still pining for her AP.

The apologies were half-baked, half-hearted and insincere because she didn't really mean to honor them.

Meaning that those beautiful moments are illusory.

You're just seeing or remembering what you want to see and remember.

What you're dealing with in reality is quite different from the beautiful moments you thought were happening.

I'd even venture so far as to say that in retrospect what you considered beautiful moments aren't beautiful at all because they all have a shadow of deceit and duplicity looming over them.

I don't mean to be doom and gloom, but your WW is dishonoring you so deeply and acting in ways that are deeply damaging after all of the trauma she has already inflicted. You need to get really clear about who she is.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:35 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659803
default

99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 7:04 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Yes, I think it's really time for you to fully understand that your "beautiful journey" was really your ww putting a blindfold on you and leading you to the edge of a cliff, and shoving you off of the side.

And then throwing you a rope, telling you she was so sorry, that she'd never do it again, blah blah blah.

And then doing it again. Laughing at you when you hit the bottom.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But I just want you to see what it looks like to anyone else who is a bystander to this.

Its a fricking massacre. Please save yourself.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1000   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8659811
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 7:37 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Just had the conversation.

She accused me of surveling her. To invade her privacy. That I've no right to control her conversation

Told me that I was lying, her friend was taking to him not her.

She didn't tell me because she didn't want to create drama. She is scared I would do something to him

She packed her stuff and left.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659816
default

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:00 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Just had the conversation.

She accused me of surveling her. To invade her privacy. That I've no right to control her conversation

Told me that I was lying, her friend was taking to him not her.

She didn't tell me because she didn't want to create drama. She is scared I would do something to him

She packed her stuff and left.

I’m really sorry.

Classic gaslighting, DARVO and lies. ZERO remorse.

And where do you think she went after packing and leaving?

No more handwringing and no more pick me dance. Refuse to be Plan B.

Get out now. Go see an attorney and file.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:00 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659820
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy