Even now I see her as my loving wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in this incarnation and this sacred journey.
This is a bit of a 2x4 coming in what follows, and it isn't meant to be harsh or mean-spirited -- but rather as a splash of cold water for a man who is limping along in a stupor.
There's a lot of toxic "red pill" BS out there on the Interwebs. But one thing they have down pat is a phenomenon called "pedestalizing."
This is pedestalizing right here, what you're doing. You're putting your WW up on a pedestal, as if she's some flawless statue of a Hellenistic goddess.
She's not, she doesn't deserve to be on that pedestal, and she never did.
Love is a verb. It isn't a vague thing. Love is a series of actions. When someone acts in unloving ways over and over, that's the opposite of love.
Please disabuse yourself of this series of wrong-headed notions pronto. Real life doesn't work at all in the way you're describing.
Your WW is not on a sacred journey with you, clearly.
She's not your soulmate.
There ARE NO soulmates. That's a myth. There are dozens of women in your geographic proximity that you could meet, be mightily attracted to, find them mutually attracted to you, who would be suitable life partners for you. Dozens. Way more than you'd have time to develop relationships with. None of them are your soulmate, either.
But you know what? Not very many of them would do to you what your WW has done and is continuing to do.
Lastly, she's certainly not your best friend. Best friends don't treat best friends the way she's treating you -- with contempt, disrespect, cruelty. They just don't.
There are a lot of folks here struggling with reconciliation, half-reconciliation, limbo, you name it. I'm one of those folks. It's grueling. It's painful. I doubt whether I should stay in it all the time. You can read my threads to see the struggle.
There are a lot of practical reasons to stay with a wayward spouse. But even those who consider themselves in the most ideal reconciliations will rarely try to claim that they see their wayward spouse in the same light ever again, and you're a long long way from that ideal.
The relationship in a reconciliation is permanently altered. Permanently. And rarely is it something anyone would consider a Hollywood ending. Probably never in fact .And the one thing you won't find a lot of is continuing to pedestalize a wayward spouse.
I'm hoping for the best for you. The first thing you must do is get your head clear of these wrong notions: Soulmate, loving wife, best friend, partner on a sacred journey.
Not a single one of those things is true with this woman now.
[This message edited by Thumos at 10:00 AM, May 15th (Saturday)]