Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:07 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

She took an hotel.

And now I'm here alone at our home, wondering if I didn't fucked it up, and feeling sorry for her.

Its an excruciating pain, and death sounds like the only relief

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659821
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 8:11 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

So, she did the classic blame-shifting. Since YOU snooped, she leaves. Don't believe it for a second. She left because she wanted to leave and found your snooping to be as good as an excuse as any. Don't fall for it. My cheater pulled the same finger pointing when I was forced into the choice to hire a PI in order TO KNOW MY OWN REALITY.

I know this is painful and gut-wrenching for you. It will be okay. Her leaving is GOOD for you right now, where ever it ends up. You need this space to get your bearings. PLEASE don't let your mind play the trick of making you feel her anger is your fault. Her anger is her fault. Period.

During R we had countless beautiful moments of true connection, healing and apologies.

And that was all with her fingers crossed behind her back. Get it?

Just reposting that as a reminder. Her little episode just now, is just another control ploy that 99% of cheaters use. Fake remorse, blame-shifting, and now rage.

Your plea for help is legit. This stuff messes with your mind and now you will have your reprieve. Take care.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8659823
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 8:13 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Alucard, why do you feel sorry for her? She lied and betrayed you over and over again. She was graciously given a chance to make this right and she spit on it and threw it away. She's still lying, denying, and minimizing. And she's the one initiating the separation. There is nothing to feel sorry for. She's doing exactly what she wants to do.

Please get help if you are suicidal. Reach out to trusted friends and family right now. Don't be alone for a few days if you can help it.

posts: 4961   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8659824
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 8:15 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Just had the conversation.

She accused me of surveling her. To invade her privacy. That I've no right to control her conversation

Told me that I was lying, her friend was taking to him not her.

She didn't tell me because she didn't want to create drama. She is scared I would do something to him

She packed her stuff and left.

You got your answer. If she truly wanted to work on the marriage she would be promising you anything, and everything. She would have offered you her devises. She shifted all the blame on you.

Listen, she has lied about contact with him over and over again. She knows that her exchange with her toxic friend was not helping the marriage, she knows that she has created trust issues.

Shes blaming you for finding out that she was coninuting contact... not taking the blame for continuing it.

Please read about the 180 and follow it. You need to detach inorder to really see your WW for who she is. You really need to go NC for a few days and detach.

See a lawyer so you can find out what a divorce really looks like.

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659826
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 8:15 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

double post.

[This message edited by Freeme at 2:16 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8659825
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:16 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Please seek help immediately if you are thinking of self harm.

Go back to your first post in this thread: she broke NC, didn’t tell you about it and was excited about communicating with her AP again. This after she already strung you along and put you thru the ringer. On top of this she confirmed that she already had tried to break NC by emailing AP.

She is not remorseful and her rage gambit is a ploy. To play mind games with you. Don’t fall for it.

Hard 180, go see an attorney.

In the meantime get sleep and plenty of water. Don’t drink alcohol.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659827
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:16 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Thank you.

I wish she would just understand that.

I was so willing to move forward with her.

She will never understand the trauma she caused me. I've PTSD

I know now she is calling her friends, and they are telling her that's it's pointless, I'm controlling and abusive and she has to leave me. She says she doesn't feel safe with me, that I surveillance her.

It's just unfixable

I blocked her. I'll leave too for a couple of days. I can't stay in this dark and silent house on my own. It is killing me

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659828
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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 8:21 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

You may not realise it yet, but she has done you a massive favour. Now that she is out, work on getting her out of your system and work on your own well being.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8659829
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:22 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Yeah I think is enough.

She didn't address my questions.

Told me he contacted her friend, and she didn't do anything.

I ve proof that she told her friend to say " I know that she wanted to talk to you but she couldn't because she is working on R but I know she cares a lot about you"i think this text is enough. She doesn't want to close that door. And I've more on that conversation

It's enough. I can't feeling guilty for searching my truth.

I blocked her.

Going out of town for a couple of days..

I need to take care of myself

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659831
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:22 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

By the way my WW did almost precisely this when I discovered phone records. This is a psychic warfare tactic and it is abuse. Your WW is abusing you. Now think about that and think about what you would tell an abused spouse in another situation.

This is all on her. You have none of the burden. Talk to friends and family right now. Get free of this woman.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659832
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I ve proof that she told her friend to say " I know that she wanted to talk to you but she couldn't because she is working on R but I know she cares a lot about you"i think this text is enough. She doesn't want to close that door. And I've more on that conversation

That’s enough.

Stop second guessing yourself

Stop pining for someone who doesn’t exist

Stop worrying about what her shitty friends are saying.

Be present in yourself, know you are right.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659833
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:26 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I'm so exhausted to wandering in the dark.

I don't know what really happened between them

I don't know what goes on between her friend this fucker AP, and her.

Is driving me litrerally insane. I have PTSD

I'm crying like a baby, again, on the floor of our home.

I don't deserve this.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659834
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:30 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I don't know what really happened between them

I don't know what goes on between her friend this fucker AP, and her.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Not your problem anymore.

I know you are in pain. Try to pick yourself up, go to your family.

Hard 180 this woman now. NC her. Meet with an attorney early next week and once you understand the process you will feel better.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659835
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:35 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I know. I am taking care of myself.

I can't visit my family, they leave in another continent.

I feel like I ruined our chances but I've remind myself that I haven't done anything.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659836
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 8:45 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

She was crying so much.

She said she felt spied on and accused.

I asked her to explain to me, she got furious crying and left.

I feel horrible. I hate to see her cry. It breaks my heart.

She could have been hurt about me snooping and STILL give me an explanation.

I told her the issue are not on the same level; its a false analogy

This is our end. I've to accept it and NOT feeling responsible or guilty.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659838
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:51 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I know. I am taking care of myself.

I can't visit my family, they leave in another continent.

I feel like I ruined our chances but I've remind myself that I haven't done anything.

Listen, try to keep reframing. It will help.

You gave her a tremendous, momentous gift of grace. Impossible grace. Costly grace. You gave her a second chance.

There really should never be third chances after infidelity, but even then you've tried in spite of everything.

So reframe: The chances were all given to her. She blew those chances.

Ask yourself: What would the chances have been had you done nothing and simply swept under the rug what you knew?

Think your chances of reconciling would have been good then?

You can't "ruin" chances that were never there.

Also think about this: there is a scientifically documented effect known as "the doormat effect." You teach people how to treat you. The more accommodating and conciliatory you are to some people, the more they take that as a signal to amp up the aggression and abuse.

It's real and you're experiencing that now.

You can break out of the doormat cycle RIGHT NOW.

Look, you knew something was wrong, which led you to surveillance (for which you were completely in the right after having already been badly betrayed).

Then your surveillance turned up REAL evidence you were correct: Something was wrong, gravely wrong.

Now it's out there.

You did what is called a "soft confront." Sounds like you came to her with your concerns. She reacted by blowing past your concerns, then went into rage mode and DARVO'd you (Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim-Offender Status).

DARVO is abuse. DARVO is gaslighting.

And by then leaving, she invoked an attack known as "argument by force." Essentially a form of extortion.

So more abuse piled on.

Do you see this? Abuse after abuse after abuse.

You need to get away from that for your own sanity and health.

You did the right thing. You're doing the right thing now. No more second guessing. Move forward.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659839
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

She was crying so much.

She said she felt spied on and accused.

I asked her to explain to me, she got furious crying and left.

I feel horrible. I hate to see her cry. It breaks my heart.

Unfortunately tears after often deployed by WW's as a manipulation. Looks like it's working. It often does. Try to remember the person who was crossing her fingers behind her back instead of the weeping, snotty child that presented her mask to you.

Deal with that reality, not the little theater she put on for you.

Her reaction could have been immediately to come clean.

You didn't snoop. You acted on reasonable suspicions with someone who has behaved in a repeatedly suspect manner. Breaking your trust over and over.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659840
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 9:00 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I know. I need to reframe and stay not eh course

Yes, snooping is wrong, but find evidence is WORST

I found this:

- She told her friend to tell him that "she cares a lot" and that talk now would be challenging because we are together" no hard locked door, quite the opposite, an invitation

- The friend told her that the "AP will never change, he will always disappear" "forget about him"

- she answered " I'm heartbroken"

and more.

I think this is enough. I'm not being crazy here.

I soft confronted her. She asked me ragiously how do you know. after do not answer to my questions fully , I answered her: I told her I heard you taking to you friend"

She accused me of spying, to "insult" her good friend that told the AP to fuck off and defended our marriage.

She barely gave me a true answer.

Cried, and left, even when I encouraged a calm and honest discussion. I asked her to give me the truth that she never gave me since this whole shitshow started.

She left and never looked back.

I've to move on. I goddam have to move on.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659842
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 9:00 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

duplicate

[This message edited by alucard at 3:02 PM, May 15th (Saturday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8659843
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 9:22 PM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I'm not being crazy here.

No in fact you're being completely sane and rational. You're also reacting to a new shock and it's causing further trauma.

You're going to be OK. I know that seems difficult now. But you're going to be OK.

Stay the course. Stay frosty.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659846
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