Newest Member: AcesEights

Just Found Out :
Broken and lost

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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 10:31 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Is it stupid of me to keep hoping he may come home?

I know I need to start the paperwork on the divorce before he actually decides to up and leave. He says he plans to remain here for an couple of years but I cannot trust anything he says now. If anyone wants to know where we are or where he is from etc, please PM me. I am just cautious in case he or the AP jumps on here by any chance.

I am just praying for clarity. Everyone who knows me knows I am strong and capable. Maybe it is because I have been a trailing spouse and have only done freelance work since we got married that I am so afraid of what the future holds.

My fault is loving and trusting him too much.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8685459
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 8:47 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

WOW! Called him today and he did not answer the phone nor returned my call. So tried a little later and he just said he was unsure why I was calling - just send a text. I am guessing he was online with OW (in the US) and I interrupted. He sounded annoyed I called.

Anyway I told him this is the reason why I am seeking sole custody because he might avoid my calls once the divorce is final. We somehow got to the topic of blaming me for being difficult and mentioned something that happened in 2005 and tells me I am difficult. I am absolutely shocked and unsure what is happening here. I asked him why is he talking about 2005?

Now I realise that he is trying to justify his cheating and leaving. I do not want to believe that my 18 years with him was a mistake and he is making it seem like it was. Even the OW mentioned in an email to him that our 18 years together was a mistake so now I know it came from him. We have a beautiful boy and we had many good times together. Why would someone say that?

Now I am afraid he is going to make the divorce process difficult. I do not know this man.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686072
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 1:01 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

GS, fear is your biggest enemy at this point. The worst thing you can do right now is to do nothing. The more time you spend being passive your WH is planning his future with the OW.

Do you have access to your joint accounts? Have you talked to a lawyer about taking out funds from your joint account and putting it into your own just to give your self a peace of mind (at least short term so you can afford to hier a lawyer and get by finanially until you can stand on your feet)?

Please start making plans. Short and long term. Don't count that you playing nice will get him to play nice. It sounds like he is already rewriting things about you and your marriage so he feels no guilt when he screws you over. I bet in his mind he has already convinced him self you have been leeching of him since you became a SAHM mad

If you need to put your trust in anything, trust that he is no longer a man you know. So sorry! Please protect your best interests and do it fast.

posts: 70   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8686079
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 9:39 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I am speaking with a lawyer and the paperwork is being drawn up.

I need to now start looking for an apartment to move into probably in Oct. He is no longer the man I married and love. I do not know who he is. She has poisoned his mind.

I cannot believe he is taking advice from someone who has been married twice and is now going through her second divorce.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686187
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:59 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

She has poisoned his mind.

Unfortunately HE had poisoned his mind and your marriage. It sounds like a mid life crisis affair for your H.

So much of what you describe and are facing is what so many betrayeds face. The lies. The audacity of the cheaters. And the rewriting of the marriage.

Hell my H told me that I never loved him and married him for other reasons (it certainly wasn’t $ b/c when we married he had none). Yup I had to hear that! And now you are sadly hearing your marriage was a "mistake".

Cheaters will say and do anything to justify the affair. Your H is only saying these things b/c he needs to blame someone else fir his bad behavior. Typical cheater move BTW.

I’m so sorry for you. May I strongly suggest you have no contact with your H after you get the custody and visitation agreements in place. And child support agreement too.

He’s now an enemy of the worst kind. That’s how you have to view him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:59 AM, Monday, August 30th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686189
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Unfortunately you are probably right.

Found out today this woman is going through her second divorce. This is who my husband is taking marriage advise from.

He played me! I hate him for it.

Now I just want to make sure we are cared for financially.

[This message edited by GShale at 7:52 AM, Tuesday, August 31st]

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686224
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FLYAKITE ( new member #58204) posted at 5:37 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Gshale, I am so sorry and this is terribly unfair, hurtful, and absolutely maddening.

But I am afraid he's taking advise from his penis and his feeeeewwings. He is the enemy now, not her. It makes sense to blame the AP but ultimately, HE is the evil one shitting all over his family.

FTG. You must adopt this mantra. To have hope, shift the blame to her, to remain paralyzed in infidelity, will only hurt you and your son more.

Have you read all about the 180 and the other logistical steps to get yourself out of infidelity? The Healing Library is your friend. You must detach NOW. No Contact=No New Hurts

It's time. He has left you. Again, FTG. I'm so sorry, you did nothing to deserve this.

[This message edited by FLYAKITE at 5:39 PM, Monday, August 30th]

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8686245
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 6:00 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

GS,

She has poisoned his mind.

I cannot believe he is taking advice from someone who has been married twice and is now going through her second divorce.

Sadly, or not, the main reason for your WH's actions is HIM shocked He had interest, then there was an opportunity as this MOW was available even though she was married, and he needed his fix. What helped me at the beginning, I wrote a list of my fWH's character traits that led him to act the way he did. It is really a great exercise that will help you understand many things about your WH. He will not change in any future relationships unless he starts to figure out his flaws.
Try making NO excuses for him, because there are NONE! shocked

Midlife crisis is a belief system....


Strength to you!

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8686254
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 6:57 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

What is FTG?

She is not without fault.

My husband knowingly hurt our family and in time he will realise how his selfishness and lack of self control and dignity ruined our family.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686382
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 11:35 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

She is not without fault.

You are absolutely correct. I don't think folks are trying to encourage you to not blame her/be angry at her, but to focus that anger on him as he is the one who made vows to you.

It's also MUCH easier at this stage to focus a lot of anger on the OW; I totally get it.

Feel the anger where you need to. Frankly, I think you are expressing that anger well:

He played me! I hate him for it.

((((GShale)))) Sending strength to you.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8645   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8686392
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 12:23 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Thank you Lalagirl

I am absolutely disgusted with him and I deserve better.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686584
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 3:53 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

GS,

and in time he will realise how his selfishness and lack of self control and dignity ruined our family.

He may , or je may NOT and this is the most likely outcome. Selfish and self-absorbed people are rarely aware how their actions affect others, have very little/ no empathy/compassion. This is his part of his own healing if he decides to work on it.

Have you already come to realization of who he really is? At some point you'll reach the solid point of acceptance.

Strength to you!
((())))

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8686611
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 8:09 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I miss our family. I have always put in 100% for my family and I just feel like a failure. I know it’s not my fault my family is broken but I cannot help by feel I could have done something. I am still just so very very sad he chose to have and affair and now he’s chosen to leave us.

He keeps saying he loves us but he’s not happy. Bullocks.

He had a chat with our 15 year old boy yesterday and tried to normalise it. He said things like this happen and our son said "No it does not. If you were unhappy you should have sought help not an affair." He had the audacity to tell our son he was unhappy for a long time. What kind of idiot says that to their own child. Our son asked if he did not make dad happy.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686736
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June14 ( new member #79139) posted at 8:49 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I hope both you and your son have sought therapy.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2021
id 8686738
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

FTG - F*** That Guy

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8686787
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 4:38 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

So I booked dinner this evening for our son’s 15th and invited my husband to join us. At dinner I asked him if he could pick our son up from school tomorrow and he casually says he can’t because he has booked a flight to NY this evening and will be away for 2 weeks.

I just lost it.

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686803
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

GShale (((())))

I know it’s not my fault my family is broken but I cannot help by feel I could have done something.

You're 1000% right, it's NOT your fault! There is 1 person who is terribly broken in this family equation , and that's your WH. Sadly, you couldn't do anything, you can't nice him back, looks like you danced/dance pick-me dance.
Pick me dance won't work, 180 could and NC (contact only re finances and your DS). It's time to set your boundaries, never too late. Keep in mind, there is no logic or Love in their actions towards anyone, including their side piece.

However, your son should feel comforted, supported and loved by you at this time. He needs it way more than your WH.

Strength to you!

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8686809
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 4:59 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

GShale,

Does his family know what he has done? If so, how have they reacted? If not, you should let them know what is going on just prior to serving him with divorce papers. Take the next 2 weeks to get all the legal paperwork completed and serve him upon his return. This is NOT your fault and you don't deserve this. Lean on family and friends for support. You've got this!

posts: 234   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8686811
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

He had a chat with our 15 year old boy yesterday and tried to normalise it. He said things like this happen and our son said "No it does not. If you were unhappy you should have sought help not an affair." He had the audacity to tell our son he was unhappy for a long time. What kind of idiot says that to their own child. Our son asked if he did not make dad happy.

Sorry, but what a pathetic human being is your WH! IF, yes, BIG IF he was unhappy, he could start with voicing his issues and concerns to you, GShale. He makes justifications in his mind and rewriting your family history. Mental gymnastics. More I think about WS's , looks like majority of them have some kind of mental problems, nothing is enough for them, no love for themselves, always lacking something (even if it's immaterial, still lack), which leads to never ending desire for something or some fix.

Please find therapy for your son, be fully present for him yourself...

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 5:15 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8686816
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 12:39 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

He has indeed rewritten our history. I will not be surprised if he is going to use the 2 weeks in New York to find a job there. He interviewed online for a job there the last time with the bank he works at. He did not get the job obviously.

He has probably just landed in New York now…. So 2 weeks in NY and 2 weeks quarantine at a hotel when he returns.

I just pray I am able to least sleep through the nights. I have not had a decent night sleep since May. I hope once I start accepting we need to move on with our lives without him I can find some peace.

[This message edited by GShale at 12:40 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

posts: 58   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8686981
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