Let's break this down. I'm thinking that by the time we get to the end, you will see that there's ZERO remorse.
Yes our roles being reversed would be devastating. I understand that.
Actually, he does NOT "understand that". HE wasn't betrayed. And I'll be honest with you, even people who are really trying to empathize with what we go through as BS fall woefully short. The only people who I've found are able to understand it, are people who have gone through it. If your WH could empathize and understand what it is he's putting you through, then what he's saying is that he's deliberately continuing to agonize you
The only tru justification I have is I was growing close, even falling in love with what you call the fantasy. It wasn’t randomly sleeping with someone.
He makes this sound like an accident. But it wasn't. Long before a physical boundary is broken, the mind crosses that boundary. Use your imagination here. Put yourself in that situation. You decide to look for a porn site. You decide to contact someone on that porn site. You decide to interact with that person. These are NOT accidents. Even if it was, say, a coworker. Your mind crosses that boundary way before your body. You've allowed yourself to view that person as a romantic/sexual possibility.
I grew an emotional connection and yes being unhappy between us made it justified to me.
He CHOSE to become emotionally involved with someone else. It didn't just happen. In every conversation, the CHOICE to mentally exceed his boundaries was made. Imagine that YOU are talking to someone online. You are NOT being compelled in any way to say things which don't represent your REAL intentions. Further, if a person is "unhappy", they deal with the source of that. Maybe they have a job they hate, so they leave that job. And maybe they ARE unhappy in their marriage, but the ones who truly are LEAVE. They don't cheat. They leave.
This claim to "unhappiness" is so ubiquitous that we have a NAME for it... "rewriting the marital history". And most cheaters do it. They can't abide the thought that they are singularly responsible for their own choice to cross those boundaries. They need to think that someone made them do it, otherwise, they have to admit to themselves that there's something seriously WRONG with them and their world view.
I did care for her and as horrible a person as you say she is, so was I to do that.
Notice how he resists the notion that she's a horrible person with "as you say she is". He's not agreeing with you that they are horrible people. He's butt-hurt that you think he's horrible. These are TWO people who went on a pornographic website looking to cheat. And YES... that IS "horrible". They each made HUNDREDS of choices, each of which led them further and further into betrayal. At any point, they might have stopped, but they CHOSE to continue.
The chief reason that a WS won't look at their AP's lack of integrity and lack of human empathy is because they don't want to see it in themselves. He rebuts your assertion that the AP is horrible because if she was so too would HE be horrible. His use of "as you say she is" tells you all you need to know here. He's basically saying "That's YOUR opinion. How dare you judge us?"
It was never an intentional thing, someone to talk to and find common ground really.
It was ABSOLUTELY intentional. When was the last time YOU logged onto an interactive pornographic website and made contact with someone? That's not an accident. He wasn't just walking down the sidewalk and fell into someone's vagina. He went LOOKING for it. From his choice to search for a website to his choice to make contact with a potential AP. This is a boldface LIE.
It just became more and even if it wasn’t real it was a real connection. That’s why it wasn’t a one night thing.
He CHOSE to continue it. He enjoyed the flattery, the excitement of breaking boundaries, and the external validation of having someone think he's interesting, so he kept going back to it. This is NOT an emotional connection. It's a bio-cocktail of feel-good adrenals and hormones.
Yes I felt guilty but I was also falling for her at the same time.
No, he did NOT feel guilty. His actions tell the truth here. If a person feels REAL guilt about what they're doing, they stop doing it. What he's talking about here are minuscule pangs of conscience. And I say "minuscule" because if they were substantial, he'd have changed course. His "guilt" was not enough to change his actions. Has actions have nothing to do with "falling for her". Who "falls" for a cam whore? Seriously. Think about it. She's NOT an object of respect and dignity. She has sexualized herself in an object sense. But she's interactive. She talks. She flatters. And he's addicted to that biochemical cocktail. The problem is... he's too emotionally stunted to recognize that it's his hormones talking, his desire for external validation, and not his brain.
And my drive for being single is because I realize that passion and care was there and I’ve lost most of that with you.
And here is where he tells you WHO HE IS. He's the Kibble Monster... and right now, her kibbles are more enticing than yours. You're welcome to up your production and quality, but he's letting you know that you've got a long row to hoe because her kibble is so awesome.
This is a guy who makes OTHER PEOPLE responsible for his happiness. He is NOT self-fruitful in matters of contentment. And when OW's kibble supply deteriorates, he'll look for another. But don't think for a minute that if kibble supply starts running low, he won't circle back to you. He will. He's like a child who can't entertain himself.
When two women fight over a turd... the loser is the one who gets it.
I know we can work to try to get that back but when things decline to a point and all the little things someone does becomes irritating it is toxic to the relationship.
So, here's another blame-shift... you're "irritating" him so you're "toxic". Nevermind that he's blatantly cheating on you at this point. Nevermind that he went out deliberately looking for a cheating partner. Nevermind that he's rewritten your marital history to make himself out as the victim of a "toxic irritant". It's your fault, not his, that there's no hope for the marriage. You see how he turned that?
I did go about this the wrong way no question and I am horribly sorry for the pain I have caused.
Geez.. if we had a nickel for every sad sausage who just went about it "the wrong way".
He's not a guy who deliberately broke his vows, who TRAUMATIZED his innocent spouse, and who continues to abuse her. He's just a guy who wanted his freedom and went about it "the wrong way".
The reality here is that he doesn't want to see himself as a bad guy. But he IS a bad guy. He's not "sorry". See "guilt" above. People who suffer from self-inflicted, painful and unpleasant feelings change their ACTIONS. It's not any different than taking your hand and putting it down on the burner of your stove. If it's causing you pain, you STOP.
But I have been so unhappy that this was a wake up call for a new life to affirm that as miserable as I’ve been I could be happy again.
Again, it's all about external validation and kibble supply. And again... he's wrong. People like that don't end up "happy" because they aren't capable of making themselves happy. They're solely dependent on others to provide "happy" to them. You've provided "supply" to this emotional vampire for 15 years now, and your kibble has become less potent than what he can get from a cam whore. That's the bottom line.
And it is incredibly unfair to you that you didn’t have a choice in the matter.”
But you DO have a choice. You have a choice to lawyer up and make this loser truly sorry that he's elected to mindfuck you like this. And I'll be honest, sweetie, that's exactly what I would do. I'd divorce this guy with prejudice and alacrity. I'd never see or speak to him again. I'd move on with my life, find better friends, better lovers, better happiness than what he had to offer.