Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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4everdevastated ( new member #75382) posted at 9:22 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Shame...

I am ashamed and feel like a failure. It’s only been a month since Dday. I’m still so angry. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I let this f’er fool me for at least 6 years. I kicked him out of my house. He’s at his brothers and yes I did tell his brother what he did to me. Took me a long time to make that decision and a couple drinks to send it.

I think I’m ashamed and embarrassed because I failed. Because I couldn’t save our relationship even though he didn’t want to work on it. He went to MC with me for a year before I found out. Nothing ever got better before D day.

I hate him and what he has done and oh how I hate everything about 2020. I work in healthcare and things have been so awful this year. Can’t find the positive through all this bullshit.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020   ·   location: AZ
id 8588315
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Blackheart11419 ( member #72500) posted at 9:34 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

4everdevastated I get it but your not a failure. You had to do what was best for you. You have a job and a roof over your head and things will get better just focus on you. After I found out on Nov. 4th, 2019 about my H affair I left for a month wasnt sure if I was gonna come back or not. Covid has made this year stressful for everyone but we will get through Covid and just take it day by day. Also start focusing on you and what you want out of life.

Blackheart

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2020   ·   location: Illinois
id 8588321
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Womenz,

WE are not failures!

Or Cheating spineless, soulless spouses are failures.

The only thing we did wrong was choose them

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8588333
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 11:51 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

The only thing we did wrong was choose them

I didn’t choose him, he was chosen for me. We were set up on a blind date by my older sister and her boyfriend at the time. I should have run then. My sister was such a terrible judge of character and she liked my WS far more than I ever did.

I am choosing To Divorce him.

I am still in lockdown and curfew for at least 2 weeks. I am getting on with it, but it gets terribly mundane at times.

I had to speak with WH on the phone yesterday. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. It was work related. He had a bit of a sulk as he’s finding lockdown and NC with me extremely hard. Well too bad. I was polite and encouraging but 12 months ago he was treating me like shit. I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I held it in. I am the better person.

The last Dday was September 14 2019. By September 17, WH and AP were fighting and breaking up even though we were separated and living apart. I so wish he had stayed with her.

By September 18 WH was constantly bombarding me with pleas to Reconcile. (I have kept all his nasty and nice messages as evidence and as a reminder of what I have been subjected to).

On September 26 2019, I allowed him to come to my apartment to talk about IT. It was our 32nd Wedding Anniversary. WH got drunk and lied about everything like only a NARC can.

I honestly thought that I would have been divorced by now. My PTSD has been triggered and I have been crying for absolutely no reason. But I now realise that I am reliving it all. I have a lot to deal with this month.

September 26, 2020 is going to be a very challenging day.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8588356
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I had my yearly neurologist appointment today.

I told him about my EMDR.

He asked why I was receiving it, I reminded him of WH cheating/lying

He told me he thought I had PTSD when he first me me in 2011!

2011! He wasn’t my doctor then, just someone my then neurologist consulted with.

Interesting considering Cheater and our old MC doubted it

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 5:10 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8588741
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Cassandrae ( new member #75421) posted at 8:44 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

hello all -

Don't really have much to say today - just wanted to send you all a big squeeze (if you are accepting hugs).

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020
id 8590087
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 9:13 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

I had a nice day yesterday long bike ride with my daughter and other awesome people involving rain, a race and kite flying. Slept long enough to dream and woke up in a pretty good mood. All to be triggered by a fucking mug, it took large amounts of self control not to smash the damn thing.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8590091
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Blackheart11419 ( member #72500) posted at 9:49 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

This weekend a girlfriend and I took the dogs to the park and we had a blast. It was fun just to get out of the house with the dogs especially on a Saturday. We need to focus on ourselves and find out what makes us happy.

Blackheart

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2020   ·   location: Illinois
id 8590102
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 10:09 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

STBXWH is a lost cause. Are some cheater so thick that they just don’t get it? Or is my WH a special kind of stupid?

He has water damage at our old house and has black mould growing in the ceiling. To cut to the chase, as I still own 50% of that house, I offered to help get it fixed. We had to speak about it and WH sent me photos of the damage. It didn’t take long for him to change the subject back to US.

How many times do I need to remind him about all the terrible things he did to me and our children and destroyed our family.

I ended the conversation with reminding him that he doesn’t even like me, so why would he want to stay married to me?

I show just the slightest kindness and compassion and concern for him and he thinks I want him back. Absolutely Not!

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8590111
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Cassandrae ( new member #75421) posted at 4:01 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Question for you all - have any of you dealt with the following:

My WS is starting to do the 'right' things (seeking me out, taking responsibility, being involved in the day to day - like they're waking up to reality) but instead of feeling comforted/happy I'm anxious and frankly furious - almost as if my subconscious finally feels safe to be those things.

Does this make sense to anyone or am I just nuts?

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020
id 8590661
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:58 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Cassandra,

Nope! Mine is going through the motions too

It’s so fake because the second I try to discuss 30 years of his lying, he reverts immediately back to the asshole

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8590712
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 6:10 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Cassandrae

when asshat started to act like a good person again I was livid.

While I appreciated it, I was resentful and angry. Why be different now? Why not before? You break us and me, and now you are acting normal. You are not forgiven. I still hurt.

I think that is normal. After being crushed, the anger doesn’t Just leave when they start being remorseful and behaving like a committed partner. You have to own your anger, work through it, and it will diminish.

Don’t rush yourself, this is a long process. Acknowledge your anger and then decided what you do next. It could me as simple as, yep I am angry, I acknowledge that and on with my day. Or, you could talk about it with your counsellor, or friend, or him.

Hugs

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8590716
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Cassandrae ( new member #75421) posted at 6:26 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Thanks so much. Knowing that it's part of the process helps tremendously.

((hugs))

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020
id 8590720
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Blackheart11419 ( member #72500) posted at 11:38 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Cassandrae

He is only putting on an act so you can forgive him. If he was truly sorry about his actions he would change his actions around for the best. My WS learned that lesson the hard way.

Blackheart

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jan. 7th, 2020   ·   location: Illinois
id 8590785
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Cass, I read your previous posts. Is he remorseful? He seemed to blame you.

I will say my stbxh appeared remorseful. But didn’t truly get it until it was too bad and too late.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8590803
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:32 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Cass:

taking responsibility, what does that mean/look like to you? The other things you mentioned ("seeking me out" and "being involved in day-to-day" ) could be lovebombing / superficial changes that don't really get to the heart of anything. Sort of like bringing you roses when you are PO'd... Unfortunately, it seems to be a pretty common reaction.

Hugs.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8590830
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 8:18 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

My WS is starting to do the 'right' things

when it suits them or they expect a reward.

STBXWH is trying. You see doing “Right” is unnatural to him. So he expects a reward for being Normal and doing every day life. He gets discouraged and stops when rewards don’t come and reverts back to being his usual selfish Narcissist.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8590861
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:29 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

I don’t often post here but today I need some support.

I found out yesterday that my deceased husband was cheating on me with 2 women at the same time in 2014. His friend came over to “clear his conscious”. From around 2013 to 2016 my WH was cheating with AP1...I found out almost a year ago. After I hacked his devices, I found messages from 2018 from his ex wife to him...referring to their lost love...she killed herself 6 months afterwards.

So the story is WH friend saw them making out in a parking lot in 2014. Last night I dug out old credit card bills...and yup, multiple charges for food and gas in 2014 close to where his ex wife lived. I knew it was WH ex wife from the friends description and then confirmed it with her obituary photo.

So to make matters worse, his friend said that my WH said awful things about me, was stuck in our marriage and felt he never had to work because my parents had left me some inheritance. Which by the was...because he never could hold a job...most of that money is gone. I had to go back to work full time to support us.

He was not the same person I married...made vows to. In the last year of his life he was unremorseful and terrible to me. Blaming me for all of his problems and the affair.

So here I am barely 2 months after WH dies and I am back in yet another Dday. I was healing...but this is another gut punch.

How do you cope and get through? Does IC really help? I have been, but she never really told me anything I didn’t already know.

How do you get back to feeling good about yourself? I am questioning everything now about who I am. I have good friends and family who say nice things about me, but it’s hard to believe them after you self esteem and faith in life has been shot to hell.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8590877
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:55 PM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Throwaway999

I am so sorry for your pain. You have so much to deal with and process on your own.

I have followed your story, you are an incredible person. Your husband was a Remorseless serial cheater angry at the world which he redirected at you.

While my story is different, it was a year after DDay 1 when I found out he went for rub and tugs for 5 years before his 5 year affair. It felt like the scab was ripped off, the pain anew.

It is now over a year later, and I can see that he was a mess. Incredibly unhappy, trying to feel better, and cheating temporarily worked. When it wasn’t enough. He cheated more, got emotionally involved .... it was about him. He is a shell of the person That I married.

It sounds like your husband was similar. It may be that you find out about more. It is just adding More shit to a big pile. And it is his pile. Not yours. Leave it in his pile.

BE angry. Redirect that anger to something that benefits you.

You are free to move forward in any way you want.

If your IC is telling you what you already know, not adding value, find a new one. You Just need someone with different tools now.

Sweetie, his pile of shit is his. walk away from it, size doesn’t matter.

You are amazing. It takes time, but everyday is a day closer your future. It will get better little by little. Don’t let him take anything more from you.

((((Hugs))))

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:56 AM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8590886
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Cassandrae ( new member #75421) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Throwaway999

(((hugs)))

You get all of the points for simply continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Personally IC and really digging into my faith have been what has kept me from tipping over the ragged edge. So yeah I'm totally pro IC ... with the right counsellor.

As someone else suggested it may be time to find a different IC who has new tools to teach you - and that's okay. No one deserves to be in this club. No one deserves to have their hearts and worlds shattered. I'm still deep in the suck myself. Still working on communicating and owning my own boundaries. Still working on letting go, for good, the crap that isn't mine to carry.

I don't know where you or I will be in twelve months. But I do know that each and every one of us here is strong enough to work through the pain and come out the other side.

We cannot change the past. We can only take charge of our future. Hope you have some breaths of peace today.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020
id 8590955
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