Newest Member: UnsureAgain

I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 14

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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 4:40 AM on Sunday, June 6th, 2021

My WH told me tonight that when he sees me or we are close, he’s reminded of what he did. It came up because I have been feeling lately like he’s just not attracted to me anymore and our intimacy is suffering. He rarely initiates. Doesn’t give a second though to me being naked around him. He says he is attracted to me, but doesn’t always know when I’m receptive and also the comment about being reminded of what he did when we are close.

Have other waywards had this problem? Wondering if others experienced the same thing, that shame keeps them from intimacy?

I’m admittedly feeling pretty rejected and sad. He did go to the doctor recently for ED related issues, but that’s not addressing the psychological side.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8665353
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AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 2:06 PM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

landclark I do not know if my experiences are applicable to your situation. In my situation part of my reasoning for the betrayal was rejection (I wanted sex often and she did not) and fear of rejection (childhood issue). It was difficult to keep asking when I was interested 1x or 2x /day and she was satisfied with much less. That dynamic remained after DDay on top of the guilt and shame.

In my circumstance then what helped were words and actions on STBXBW's part to initiate sex as well as during sex that demonstrated she actively wanted the physical intimacy. She was/is generally sexually passive though so was uncomfortable with that role. I know there are parameters on appropriate posting and I dont want to violate them so I hesitate to give even a PG level example. One time I recall fondly we were working on dinner prep with the kids present and she gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then whispered in my ear a graphicly described act that she wanted me to do to/for her as soon as the kids were asleep. It was inspiring. It ripped aside concerns about rejection and helped overcome the guilt and shame.

[This message edited by AvoidanceIssues at 8:28 AM, June 7th (Monday)]

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2021   ·   location: District of Colombia
id 8665540
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

Landclark,

I did have this problem for a period of time. I would have mind movies and feel shame and humiliation. I knew I didn't deserve to be with him, and having sex at times would remind me of how intimate and sacred it is and I would be devastated about doing that with someone else. As a woman, it was much easier to disguise. I wasn't sure for a long time if I could tell him about that because I worried he would think it meant I missed the AP or that I was thinking of the AP when we were together in a positive way. It wasn't that at all, it was my own shame and humiliation choking me. I knew I didn't deserve him, and that compounded everything.

I had to work through that in therapy, and eventually we had productive conversations about it that actually helped. So, the only thing I can tell you is yes, it's a thing. And, it's positive he is being open about it. I personally believe the more things that hit open air the less things have power after that.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8665554
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, June 7th, 2021

In my circumstance then what helped were words and actions on STBXBW's part to initiate sex as well as during sex that demonstrated she actively wanted the physical intimacy.

Yeah, I am not sure how as the betrayed one, I need to be a sex kitten in order to make HIM feel better? I often initiate, and don't reject, etc. However, I should not be the only one initating, the only one whispering sweet sex nothings, etc. THAT makes me feel rejected, and leaves me feeling like he doesn't want me. I think HE needs to initiate and show his interest and show me that he is interested, and push through that fear of rejection. Not put the ownness 100% on me.

HO, thank you. I am glad it's normal? It makes it feel less like it's about me specifically. I don't worry that he's thinking of an AP so much, it's more about him not thinking about or wanting me, if that makes sense. I suggested he post on the wayward side at least to get thoughts on how to work through it, but naturally he won't do that and he's not currently in therapy. I did tell him that I am not thinking about his actions when we're intimate, so hopefully that helps.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8665599
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 3:01 AM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

It sounds to me like he may be afraid of triggering you. Remorseful WS are aware that our BS might be reminded mid-act that we did the same or similar things with AP. We need to get out of our own feels about that and figure out how to be supportive when the inevitable occurs.

It took me a while to realize that my BH was trying to power through his triggers. He thought admitting them would scare me off of sex and/or make me think about the OM myself. The attempts at rugsweeping just made the triggers more powerful. I had to create a safe space for him to tell me what was happening. This went beyond accepting his physical/emotional withdrawal; it meant proactively reassuring him that working through triggers together was a necessary part of the healing process. In order to accomplish that, I first had to do some reassuring self-talk, because I became a WS from an unhealthy need for validation. I couldn't convince him that I was able to weather rejection until I actually developed the ability to weather rejection. That was no small task, but again, the only way out was through.

If your WS is avoiding sex, I suspect it's not the actual sex that's the problem. I imagine he has a surplus of desire. I think it's fear of failure that makes him reluctant to try. If so, my only advice to him is that that's going to happen sometimes, and he can survive it. The more acceptance he develops for triggers, the less ominous sex will feel, and that would be a healing development for both of you.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2066   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8665752
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 11:40 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

Thank you, BSR! That is very helpful. I will figure out how to talk to him further about it.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1916   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8666009
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 1:24 PM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

I’m wondering from the wayward wife’s out there how many of you hated your AP after the affair was found out. My wife seems to have no feelings but disgust for them. This is now years later. Yet she certainly liked them while actively cheating. I can’t actually fathom the why she hates them. Her answers to the question has always been she was so lonely she would have ate from a dumpster. It seems to me like she can compartmentalize it all. Is it that easy to be involved with someone and then dismiss them? It’s just something that always bugged me even years later.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8667114
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Any WS's not do therapy and been well or realized on their own how to better cope and do things other than cheat? My WH is refusing. Says he doesn't need anyone to tell him how to feel and what to say because then it's not from him. I told him I'm not sure how I can feel safe in the marriage if he isn't doing anything to help prevent why this happened in the first place. If he isn't finding better ways to cope when things get tought.

Small back story, he had an EA for 47 days. We were at a very routine time in our marriage, I didn't have a sex drive, he was hurt alot by this, feeling of rejection. Kids. Then you know what happened next.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8667290
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Hi Jailedmind,

I can only answer from my own experience.

My feelings about the AP 4 years post affair is that he wasn't a good person (neither was I) and that he did not have my best interests at heart. That he was there to get whatever he needed from the situation and didn't have much regard for me whatsoever.

I am also very glad that was the case because I was really a weak minded person and I would not have ended it on my own, or have gone through all the work I have. I realize how stupid I was, how full of shit I was. I no longer want to be that person moving forward.

I don't spend any time thinking about the AP. What we had was not real, it was both of us projecting things on each other in order to validate what we were doing. He means nothing to me. I don't hate him, it's more like he's a non-entity to me? I don't feel I knew him to begin with, it was an illusion.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8667372
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 9:23 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Hi Felix,

For me, therapy was something I put myself in before I confessed, so I am not who you are looking for. I don't know of anyone here to refer you to.

When I found out about H's affair, therapy was mandatory.

What is his plan, just to do better? I don't think that will work. For me, I had to figure out my whys, and I believe those are always internal to the WS. It didn't have to do with your sex drought, all marriages have those somewhere in time. You are right it's his coping around those things.

Once I knew what I was missing I worked hard to learn about those things - I read books, listened to podcasts, posted here, journaled, meditated, tried to become more aware of my thoughts and the ways I frame things. To go from having poor character and coping to being improved is a whole lot of work.

I think most of the time change is very slow and selfish. Selfish meaning that the person doesn't want to be that person any more. Sick of their own bullshit. Sometimes it can also be they want to save the marriage badly enough. It doesn't sound like your husband has any motivation to change and I think you will find that's not something you can give him.

I would probably read the healing library about the 180. I think you should put up some big boundaries and protect yourself. Your concerns are 100 percent correct.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8667373
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Hikingout

For sure I know that isn't all of it. I was terrible at responding to his conserns and just brushing it off instead of dealing with it. Or I'd invalidate his feeling. I know I'm not innocent but it doesn't excuse his actions and I told him it scares me he isn't willing because how can I feel safe if he doesn't find a way to cope better. I'll keep trying. It's been a little over four months so I'm hoping in time he will realize he needs to do something. I have read the 180, it's just something I have to work on because I have definitely been hysterically bonding.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8667420
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:42 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Totally understandable and common. I am sorry I didn't have more help for you. Most of the WS on this site that stay around seem to be more in the category of working on themselves.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8667555
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:14 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

How did you feel during the intimacy?

Not the thrills of the texts/messages. Not the actual act of fu*king. But the intimate moments.

The sleeping together, the cuddling at night, the waking up in each other's arms.

WH and LTAP had weekend getaways. They never went anywhere exotic. Just her area or mine - in basic hotels - when spouses thought they were out of town doing other things.

To me - this is a knife twist. The cheap thrill of it all is one thing. But the intimacy is something else.

What did you think/feel during those moments. Especially for those who never wanted to leave their spouse/family.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8668868
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 12:41 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

My next question for the WS. For you if there was trickle truth what were your reasons?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8669262
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 12:57 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Another question. Does this seem like something any of you guys went through. My WH says it wasn't about her at all, just him. She was just the first person to give him the attention and listening ear he has been needing. He had no feeling except feeling of friendship. The week before I found out it did turn physical. He said he did think of me before and felt terrible after but pushed that away. Is that really that easy to do? It's hard to wrap my mind around, being able to just do something you know is wrong and will severely hurt your spouse and push it away.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8669267
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 1:50 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

My next question for the WS. For you if there was trickle truth what were your reasons?

yes I did trickle truth for a few days after dday. The reason? Fear of course. I was afraid if he knew the extent that he would leave me. I wanted to protect myself from that.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2523   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8669277
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:10 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

What did you think/feel during those moments. Especially for those who never wanted to leave their spouse/family.

I hate to have to answer this one honestly, but if I pull the punches that hurt, it undermines my credibility when I have more positive news to impart.

The intimacy feels intimate. Compartmentalizers can do that. We separate what's going on in one aspect of our lives from another and wall off any guilty thoughts that would make the behavior feel unnatural. I'm sure there are WS who fake it, but the terrible irony is that if you have a good relationship at home, then emotional intimacy with a partner is what you're used to. It feels familiar and normal.

I'm so sorry, Chaos. I wish I had a less triggery response to offer.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2066   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8669299
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Lucky77 ( member #61337) posted at 11:47 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Hi Chaos

I had a 3 yr LTA. There was no intimacy. No way was their any snuggly cuddles. We were each others drug. We just fawned over each other. It was not intimate.

WS
1 year PA/ 2 Yr EA
Oh the depths of the betrayal

posts: 331   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2017
id 8669506
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 9:23 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Another question for the wayward wife’s. I’m 7 years out and we have done the full gambit of marriage coucelling and tons of communications and things have really been good for quite some time. But I always think there is something I don’t know about. Was there something that happened or you felt that you just never told your husband? I’ve been a supporter of beware what you ask you might not be able to live with the answers but that nagging feeling comes up and I will ask and get the same answers . Just don’t know if it’s part of the PTSD or My spidey sense kicking in.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8670565
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Was there something that happened or you felt that you just never told your husband?

For years, yes, there was. I thought I was protecting both of us by lying, but his spidey sense never stopped tingling. It took a lot of reading here to convince me that I wasn't in charge of what he had a right to know.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:07 AM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2066   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8670752
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