I'm wondering how everyone is doing who posted here about their NPD WS. Any new insights? Anyone making progress?
I have a question for anyone who's still reading here. Do you think my WH is NPD?
Still no diagnosis here but I'm becoming more certain during his attempts at R that WH is a covert manipulator.
He often waits to bring up things outside MC. The most ridiculous is the demand that I treat him as my moral equal. What?? You cheated, I didn't. I wasn't a dream to live with by any means, but how does this even make sense? He's joined a new church and is finding Jesus and sending flying church monkeys to my house.
He says all the right words, often straight out of whatever book he's reading, which go out the window when he starts a new book. It's like he's trying out different things to see what achieves the desired effect, and gets very offended and angry when I don't respond like I'm supposed to (either what the book told him or just whatever he expects). He rarely says anything to support this, but I see and feel the anger (not disappointment).
Near the end of last MC I called him out on his anger and hateful looks and he said "Yes! I am angry!" I talked to the counselor later (because I'm putting MC on hold, as it is not helping me heal) and she said she was completely surprised when he admitted he was angry. His mask and measured words had had her completely fooled up to that point. Meanwhile I was shaking from the level of hostility and dismissiveness that I felt.
I feel like I'm the only one that sees what is behind the mask. People close to us see that there is something odd and detached about him, and not a few think he is aloof or even arrogant. One of his best friends told BF's wife, "Still waters run deep." He meant it as a compliment, but I take it as... They run deep and dark and scary.
He is doing everything HE thinks should be done for reconciliation, and is not really hearing me. When I said he still hasn't answered what made it ok for him to have an affair, he said very sarcastically, "Oh so there's something wrong with ME?" Um, yes, and I'm not really interested in being with someone who continually refers to the affair as a "mistake" and thinks he just needs to make better choices, improve communication (both of our responsibility of course) and everything will be fine.
So I'm trying to figure out where to go from here and how to manage him. I'm afraid that if he is indeed NPD then if I make it clear that we are done, he will inflict harm on me financially and my reputation. However, it's clear to me that I have to get tough or his tactics will never change and I will never be able to R. I'm afraid to express exactly what my concerns about him are, as I believe he will present anything I say as emotional abuse if I try to pursue a Fault D. Yet I need him to address these concerns with his IC.
I'm in a catch-22 and need to know: is he covert NPD or just exhibiting normal selfish and defensive WS behaviours? So, my experts, what do you think? Is WH NPD?
Note: primary and possibly only reason I still want R is we have 2 young send who love their dad. Not that we didn't have great times in our marriage but they've always been overshadowed by unresolved not-so-great times IMO. I readily admit there's something wrong with me: I'm somewhat codependent and have suffered from poorly handled feelings of abandonment throughout our marriage.
[This message edited by CallingSpades at 10:32 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]