Newest Member: zurichtime


Xwh has the gall!

This is just a vent, to people who will understand....

Had to put a furbaby down today. It was hard on me and the kids (young adult/nearly young adult); the furbaby was over 10 years old and we had it from its birth. I don't tell xwh anything I don't have to tell, but the kids do tell him some stuff and told him about this. He knew the furbaby as we had it during the M, but he had little to nothing to do with it and simply left it behind when he left - didn't even try to take any of our several, but, just as he replaced me with a new one, he did the same with the furbabies.

So, in the midst of putting down this furbaby, xwh texted me a consolation message with an offer to provide any help needed..... Geez.....

He has no right!!

My first thought was to tell him he could help by leaving me alone. My second thought was to tell him he never supported me during the over 25 year M, so he had no right to even think of doing so (or implying he would) now, or to think I might want him to do so. Old me would have sent a simple but polite "thank you", but I now understand he would see that as evidence his move (crossing of a boundary that should be clear as day to anyone, except him, of course) was acceptable somehow, and even possibly transfer that into that all was ok with all he had done....but absolutely would have resulted in him thinking I'd just love to continue having a long, drawn out conversation with him, which is the very last thing I would want, ever, now.

In the end, I not only ignored his message, I deleted it in a symbolic move of how "worthy" it was of existing.

** We had one furbaby that died during the D process; that one was still a baby but had a birth defect that apparently got worse as the animal aged. Xwh did know that furbaby too. Furbaby died overnight, I buried it during the day, and xwh still picked up the kids as usual for "his time" that evening.....No thought in his head about maybe offering to delay or do an exchange or anything at all; just left me all alone after that hard day - I don't even think he offered any condolences.... He for sure never offered to bury the animal for me. He simply didn't care, and didn't pretend to; now, I am an "outsider" to "his family", so he must project that kindhearted, caring image to me, just as he had to others, but not me, when we were M'd....This is how it is when dealing with a narcissist.... **

5 comments posted: Thursday, September 24th, 2020

Xwh/mow getting M'd; I need advice.

The wedding is soon, and I am not ok. Kids will be there and even in it - mostly as they feel pressured into it, and certainly not because they want to, though I know that is the image xwh and mow love it is projecting. Sigh. That said, I may end up being called to come rescue them, if an emergency of some sort occurs. (I am not even certain where it is happening, though it is at least somewhat local.)

*Side note: kids are all young adults or nearly so, but only one drives, and that one does not live nearby. Driving would be required to get to/from anything near here.

SO, for me - I am trying to decide what I should do while this tragic event occurs. I have the option of hanging by a pool at a very nice hotel not too far away (wouldn't stay the night, though would have a room thanks to freebies). I don't get to do this much. However, I am afraid I will just be breaking down into sobbing off and on.... (because the two of them getting M'd is bringing back the old "you're worthless, replaceable, going to be alone forever", thoughts of D.)

Other option is to stay home, having bought a fire pit, and spend the time burning all the old love letters between xwh and myself, and anything else I wish to burn while I am at it.... This I will eventually do at some point anyway, but just haven't gotten myself around to doing.

Both of these should allow for me to quickly stop what I am doing and go get my kids, if needed.

Anyone want to vote on one? Or suggest another? I need something to do to get me through the time.

10 comments posted: Monday, August 31st, 2020

Quick advice needed, please!

Xwh and mow are getting M'd and soon. D was bad, very bad - xwh/mow kept trying to get me jailed, though I had done nothing wrong - that bad and more. I want nothing to do with their coupling up at all, especially with anything that might imply an approval of any kind, and it is only partly due to the A. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, right? But, of course, it is my life, so there is an issue.... sigh.

Youngest child is very good with photography. So, guess what xwh has done? Yup, asked the child to take pictures of xwh and mow. Youngest is not at all happy the two are getting M'd, but is learning to accept that which child can't change - and views this as a money-making opportunity, knowing xwh will pay an outrageous amount for it. (He likes to throw his money around....)

Here's the rub: youngest doesn't drive. And, doesn't have others to do that driving except me or xwh and mow. Youngest doesn't want to ride with them as youngest knows they aren't to be trusted when it comes to taking precautions with COVID, among other reasons. (I do support youngest here; xwh is known for lying about his health or trying to get the child to come see him even when he is sick.) So, now, youngest is expecting me to do the driving for this pictures thing -- and, I may end up having to pick youngest up from the wedding, too, as youngest isn't planning to stay for the reception, but, again, doesn't have a ride.

For what it is worth, the child has already indicated knowing it is at least awkward to have me do the driving for these pictures, but really only in the sense of me needing to be able to be somewhere else - in other words, the picture location needs to be where I have another place to go nearby for the duration. Child hasn't realized the whole thing is an issue.

So, how do you handle this? I feel as if between a rock and a hard place.... I really kind of want to say "ride with them or don't take the pictures", but that doesn't solve the ride back from the wedding part. (And, I still have no idea how the kids are expected to get to and from that, either; I highly doubt xwh and/or mow will be bringing them home, at least, and there is no one in either of their families that I would trust to drive them, especially after a reception where there will no doubt be drinking involved.)

So, advice? TIA!

13 comments posted: Friday, August 14th, 2020

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