Newest Member: zurichtime

Divorce/Separation :
Fear vs. reality

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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 5:14 PM on Wednesday, January 10th, 2018

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8993   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8067883
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Twinsmom ( member #60303) posted at 5:22 AM on Saturday, January 13th, 2018

Thank you for bumping this thread. It was awesome to read all of the posts. I can identify with all of the fears and seeing the realities was amazing. I can almost see myself writing those realities in another six months to a year. I am six months into my journey and just starting to see some of these realities. I am learning how to do things for myself that I never thought I would have to do. I don't always like it but things are getting done. The best part is that I thought people would think I was dumb and stupid when they found out my husband had been having a LTA and I didn't know anything about it but the opposite has been true. So many people have complimented me on the way I have handled the situation and how strong I have been. I am almost beginning to believe it!

I am also loving my night all to myself. I thought I would be so lonely but now I find myself craving some alone time!!

Thanks so much for sharing everyone!

Me: BS, 49 Him: WS, 52
3 Children
Married 26 yrs; DDay 7/4/17
LTA, Divorced 5/8/19

posts: 89   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8069986
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 1:26 AM on Thursday, March 8th, 2018

Bumping!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8110922
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ninon ( member #62940) posted at 4:56 PM on Thursday, March 8th, 2018

This is extraordinary, thank you! I can't figure out how to "quote" earlier messages, but Fablegirl's list really resonates with me, especially

Fear: I don't exist because he doesn't love me anymore.

I'm too superstitious to post my fears here, but have made a list for myself.

BS
DDay + abandonment: Nov. 26, 2017
Married 9 years, together 13
1 child, 9
D in progress; narcissistic WS without remorse

posts: 181   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8111288
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Catch44 ( member #49899) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, March 9th, 2018

Thanks phmh

Working through these pages like a healing workbook.

Me: BH
3 kids. M 17year. 4 PA's. 4 Ddays
Progressing toward divorce.
“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.”

posts: 703   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2015
id 8112295
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 4:16 AM on Sunday, April 8th, 2018

Bump

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8135317
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 7:41 PM on Sunday, April 8th, 2018

Bumped again since it fell off page 1 so quickly!

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 8135660
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litost ( member #62616) posted at 12:46 AM on Monday, April 9th, 2018

I am laaaate to this party but THANK YOU for posting your story. Fear is a destroyer; we can get carried away with catastrophic feelings after a betrayal.

I wish I'd seen this a year ago, and even now it helps. I'm very happy for you.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8135862
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 11:46 PM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8993   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8143071
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ninon ( member #62940) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, April 17th, 2018

Fwiw, it's just 5 weeks since I posted above, and while I still feel terrible, I no longer feel "unreal" outside the context of the relationship.

BS
DDay + abandonment: Nov. 26, 2017
Married 9 years, together 13
1 child, 9
D in progress; narcissistic WS without remorse

posts: 181   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8143080
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ohforanewme ( member #59230) posted at 11:33 AM on Monday, April 23rd, 2018

Bump.

This is such a great thread. I often revisit.

Think some who have just joined us here will benefit greatly from it.

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2017   ·   location: South Africa
id 8147996
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 phmh (original poster member #34146) posted at 1:56 AM on Saturday, May 5th, 2018

Bumping as I've seen new people in D/S.

And also bumping partly because my life has been so amazing lately that I can't even believe that I ever had any fears about how things were going to be. Had I known what life could be like, I never would have married him, or I would have left him YEARS earlier.

I stay here at SI to see success stories, and to encourage people in the beginning stages, as I so lived for that encouragement when I first got here.

Things will get so much better. It will take longer than is fair. But a wonderful life awaits!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8157332
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Charlee ( member #50386) posted at 10:14 AM on Tuesday, May 8th, 2018

bump

ME: BS, 62
HIM:62
MARRIED: 40 years
DDay: #1 9/19/15
Dday #2 2/28/18
WAS headed to D NOW R?

posts: 677   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2015   ·   location: NE
id 8159512
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Charlee ( member #50386) posted at 10:15 AM on Tuesday, May 8th, 2018

bump

ME: BS, 62
HIM:62
MARRIED: 40 years
DDay: #1 9/19/15
Dday #2 2/28/18
WAS headed to D NOW R?

posts: 677   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2015   ·   location: NE
id 8159513
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 9:15 PM on Wednesday, May 16th, 2018

Bump

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8993   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8166268
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CornflakeGirl ( member #47629) posted at 2:19 PM on Thursday, May 17th, 2018

Bump.

I love this thread too. As I get further away from the nuclear blast, I san see the regrowth that has become my life. My kids are happy and thriving. I am happy and thriving. I have rebuilt my life. I have even found love again even though I said "no way." hahaha.

Life does get better when you divorce a fuckwit.

SI still helps with with the fallout of infidelity. I also love to check in. This support group helped me get where I am today!

[This message edited by CornflakeGirl at 8:20 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

Me: Former BW, Divorced.
2 young and beautiful children
Oh, I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road

posts: 536   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 8166730
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h0peless ( member #36697) posted at 6:05 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

Bump

posts: 3136   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: Baja Arizona
id 8168344
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Lavender0916 ( member #59280) posted at 7:03 PM on Saturday, May 19th, 2018

Love this thread

*I fear I cannot get adult child out of the house if I can buy him out. Can i pay mortgage if I have to pay alimony and child support?

*I fear I cannot find a place to live because STBX will convince judge he is homeless and poor. Will be forced to pay alimony and child support. Housing super expensive in bay area.

*I fear if I can afford family home, I cannot get him to move out.

*I fear I cannot pay attorneys fees and forced to pay his...

*I fear my house is falling apart.

*I fear my new STD thanks to my STBX screwing trash, I will never find anyone...

Will come to reality post in 6 months. Stay tuned.

BW - 46; STBXSAWH - 58
D-Day 1st 6/30/16; 2nd 4/30/17
3rd 7/6/17, 4th! 11/17!! 1/6/18 Escorts, False Recoveries, now separated and filed for D- whew

posts: 306   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2017   ·   location: Northern California
id 8168372
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kitty02ckb ( new member #63677) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

I've received a lot of recommendations to read this post since I'm fairly new to the site, just started S and considering D. So right now all I have are fears. Hoping I will soon be able to update this with some awesome realities.

Lumped together into a few main fears.

Loneliness

I will never date again. I will never love again. I'm old and ugly and no one will want me. I will never have sex again. I will be alone forever.

Jealousy

He will marry her. My children will like her. He will "win" and have a hot wife and I'll either be alone or with someone less than him. He will have more $ than me because I'm keeping the house so will spoil the kids and be the fun parent. He will change for the better for her but not for me.

Finances

I will not be able to afford to keep the house. I wont be able to pay for DDs dance. He will fight me through the divorce on every penny. He will hide $ and cheat financially through the D. I will have to pay him alimony. He won't pay me CS, or enough CS.

Ability

I won't be able to keep up with the house. How am I going to change the light bulbs in the chandelier? I wont be able to take care of my vehicle - detailing, oil changes. I wont be able to keep up with the yard. Who is going to keep the beds edged and mulched each year? I don't even know how to work the sprinkler system or how to put the hose on the sump pump thing. Is the hot water heater going to die again as soon as he is gone??

Weakness

He will beg me to come back and I will cave. I'll go back and he will cheat on me again. He wont change but I'll give in because I'm scared.

Me - BW (41)
Him - WH (43)
16Y M
DDs - 11 & 13
D-day #1 03/03/2017
R #1 (FAKE) - WH never stopped A
D-day #2 08/25/2017
R #2 began 10/2017
WH R w/ AP 03/2018
S started 05/04/18
Status - will soon file for D

posts: 49   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8169254
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yougogirl ( member #11332) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, May 22nd, 2018

Life does get better when you divorce a fuckwit.

This x 1,000!!!!!!

Me = doormat BS, early 50s
Him = Narcissistic XWH, same age
Married 25 years, known 28 years, HAPPILY divorced
One DD (18) and 2 pets
Separated 12/15/14, divorced 11/2016

posts: 2414   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2006   ·   location: East Coast
id 8169977
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