Newest Member: CereBella

I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later

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Awan ( member #72656) posted at 11:26 AM on Thursday, March 5th, 2020

I found out 2 years later that my dearly beloved husband is actually a lying, cheating, vindictive, manipulating, heartless, unemphatic, no-conscious, gross, incredibly selfish POC.

He tells lies sometimes (only small things) but never in my wildest dream that I could ever think my WH is capable of cheating. I actually thought he loves me a bit more than I love him so I feel safe with him. My dad cheated on my mom, his dad cheated on his mom, I thought he's different and would never inflict that kind of pain to me. I was dead wrong.

This wasn't a drunken mistake or ONS he was pursuing both of OWs intensely, told outrageous lies to get them, he didn't stop with first OW because she didn't put out. Second OW was his dream came true, she and my WH had a real relationship. He said he wanted to break up with OW after new year but I have their chat history and it proves otherwise. The lying continues even after I told him not to lie anymore, sure enough a month later after DDay 1 I found out about OW 1 whom he pursued since March 2018.

I always think of myself as this strong, independent, level-headed, clear-mind kind of woman but boy this whole thing made me questions myself too. What kind of stupid person still stay after all the shit he put me through.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8520342
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HDENUFF75 ( member #72813) posted at 1:06 AM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

Awan——you aren’t alone. I’m dumb too for staying. My husband had an affair with a drug addicted girl half his age and fathered a child for 2.5 yrs. I suspected and he lied to my face so much. I’m angry at myself for being a doormat. I’m still here cause I have two teenagers at home

posts: 108   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8520663
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Awan ( member #72656) posted at 5:51 AM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

Awan——you aren’t alone. I’m dumb too for staying. My husband had an affair with a drug addicted girl half his age and fathered a child for 2.5 yrs. I suspected and he lied to my face so much. I’m angry at myself for being a doormat. I’m still here cause I have two teenagers at home

HDENUFF75, that's awful and I'm very sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us. You're thinking about your children's life unlike your husband.

I don't have children so I don't know why I'm still here. Maybe it's co-dependency maybe I still have love for him maybe I'm just dumb.

ME: BW(30), WH(30) NO KIDS

Together for 12yrs, married for 5yrs

DDay#1 01.19.20 PA OW1 (A start 05.19)
DDay#2 TT 02.18.20 EA OW2 (A start 03/18 lasted a year)
DDay #3 03.13.20 (broke NC w/ OW1 6 days after DDay#1, 1x PA)

Status: Separated

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2020   ·   location: Indonesia
id 8520717
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Katieing ( new member #72290) posted at 5:55 AM on Thursday, April 30th, 2020

So m not sure of this is the right area for me? Yes I did find out he was having affairs 3 years later but when I found out they were ongoing. SupposedLy (his word yeah that means nada after all the Lying he tried to keep up then eventually could not, thus) he is now a retired pilot but I still suspect he is flying high online as before. He was very sorry, went to counseling (for himself,) then quit, said he didn’t need it. Now after being so sweet and contrite for almost 6 months ... same stuff. “ I need my iPad for news” well dummy me he “needed news” in our bed every night from her and now he needs news all the time. I don’t know if I’m being stupid again or there really is news ALL the tine that he feels he needs bc no one needs that. It was a fluke I found his secret new gmail account (trying to order to go foods last time I doubt I would be this lucky (or unlucky) this time. Do you ever trust again? Oh and NO sex anymore. I’m not in my 20’s although I am a size 2 and fit but not dressed (or rather scantily clad or naked) like his in box was. And he was always looking for more than 2 in his “party”. We are (or I thought) I normal couple, nurse and pilot married 35 years but this started well I guess now almost 4 years ago. I am tired. Maybe I’m seeing things that are not there but his iPad is burning up and I definitely am not. I’m sorry so long and I Always was totally trusting telling people the pilot jokes etc were a total lie. Hmmmm NOPE! I guess my question is how do you learn to trust and how far can you go or be pushed before you xplode or just bail?

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Florida
id 8537445
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, May 6th, 2020

I would like some insight from you all. You can read my profile for reference...but short story is WH had what he says was a 3 year LTA ending in 2016. I am 6 months past last TT. I have recently caught him in 2 lies about the affair. He admitted lying a week later to me. They were over small insignificant items, but still lies.

Given the A was years ago, I have little to no proof of what actually went on. Just his word. Now that I know he continues to lie, even about small details, how do I reconcile myself to believe anything he has told me.

My question is...any tips to make is easier for me to live with the fact he pathologically lies and I will never know the truth. I am now wondering if the A started sooner than he told me, ended later than he told me and wondering if there were other A’s. A polygraph is not an option.

I know I will never know the truth...how do you live with that? Never knowing the full truth of your own life.

Thanks

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8539618
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TarnishedSilver ( member #37166) posted at 12:55 PM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

Throwaway999

9 years past dday and the I know he will never tell me the whole truth. I continue IC and found it very helpful.

I struggle at times and still have triggers. I have learned how to meditate and find the relaxation guidelines my IC suggested works well.

I will never know all the facts. I now feel the years of lies is worse than the infidelity itself.

The man I married, or the man I thought I married is gone. In my case, he never existed because the lies and infidelity started before our marriage. I only found out years later.

My FWH has done all the work, years of IC. He is a good man. Do I think he will be unfaithful? No!

Do I think he would continue to lie about past infidelity if questioned? Absolutely!

Me-BS
Him-WH
Together 38 years
2 kids in their 20’s
Dday #1- 2/17/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012
Dday #3- 11/19/2016

Healing myself is now my top priority.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8539975
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TarnishedSilver ( member #37166) posted at 12:55 PM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

Throwaway999

9 years past dday and the I know he will never tell me the whole truth. I continue IC and found it very helpful.

I struggle at times and still have triggers. I have learned how to meditate and find the relaxation guidelines my IC suggested works well.

I will never know all the facts. I now feel the years of lies is worse than the infidelity itself.

The man I married, or the man I thought I married is gone. In my case, he never existed because the lies and infidelity started before our marriage. I only found out years later.

My FWH has done all the work, years of IC. He is a good man. Do I think he will be unfaithful? No!

Do I think he would continue to lie about past infidelity if questioned? Absolutely!

Me-BS
Him-WH
Together 38 years
2 kids in their 20’s
Dday #1- 2/17/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012
Dday #3- 11/19/2016

Healing myself is now my top priority.

posts: 192   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8539976
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TheLostOne2020 ( member #72463) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

Awan

I always think of myself as this strong, independent, level-headed, clear-mind kind of woman but boy this whole thing made me questions myself too. What kind of stupid person still stay after all the shit he put me through.

It's not stupidity, it's emotions and love. It's hard, very hard. You can't beat yourself up about it. I was waffling too in the beginning. It wasn't until I heard my WW on the phone with her AP making plans to screw me over that everything died in me. Even still, it's hard.

HDENUFF75

Awan——you aren’t alone. I’m dumb too for staying. My husband had an affair with a drug addicted girl half his age and fathered a child for 2.5 yrs. I suspected and he lied to my face so much. I’m angry at myself for being a doormat. I’m still here cause I have two teenagers at home

I can understand what you're doing. A part of me thought about staying for the kids but I just can't do it because I know that I won't be the same. I am already very different and it would only grow worse if I stayed.

Katieing

So m not sure of this is the right area for me? Yes I did find out he was having affairs 3 years later but when I found out they were ongoing. SupposedLy (his word yeah that means nada after all the Lying he tried to keep up then eventually could not, thus) he is now a retired pilot but I still suspect he is flying high online as before. He was very sorry, went to counseling (for himself,) then quit, said he didn’t need it. Now after being so sweet and contrite for almost 6 months ... same stuff. “ I need my iPad for news” well dummy me he “needed news” in our bed every night from her and now he needs news all the time. I don’t know if I’m being stupid again or there really is news ALL the tine that he feels he needs bc no one needs that.

Some people can be addicted to the news - but I don't think that's what's going on.

It was a fluke I found his secret new gmail account (trying to order to go foods last time I doubt I would be this lucky (or unlucky) this time. Do you ever trust again?

I don't think I could. Betrayal strikes at the core. I'm not sure how one gets past it and trusts the person again. They took action they knew would hurt you and they did so repeatedly.

Oh and NO sex anymore. I’m not in my 20’s although I am a size 2 and fit but not dressed (or rather scantily clad or naked) like his in box was. And he was always looking for more than 2 in his “party”. We are (or I thought) I normal couple, nurse and pilot married 35 years but this started well I guess now almost 4 years ago. I am tired. Maybe I’m seeing things that are not there but his iPad is burning up and I definitely am not. I’m sorry so long and I Always was totally trusting telling people the pilot jokes etc were a total lie. Hmmmm NOPE! I guess my question is how do you learn to trust and how far can you go or be pushed before you xplode or just bail?

I'm not sure, I'm bailing. That said, sometimes counseling works - but he'd have to be committed to it and it doesn't seem as though he is.

Throwaway999

My question is...any tips to make is easier for me to live with the fact he pathologically lies and I will never know the truth. I am now wondering if the A started sooner than he told me, ended later than he told me and wondering if there were other A’s. A polygraph is not an option.

I know I will never know the truth...how do you live with that? Never knowing the full truth of your own life.

Why do you want to live with that?

TarnishedSilver

I will never know all the facts. I now feel the years of lies is worse than the infidelity itself.

The man I married, or the man I thought I married is gone. In my case, he never existed because the lies and infidelity started before our marriage. I only found out years later.

They kind of are worse because they are corrosive. Eating into every facet of the marriage.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8540123
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, May 7th, 2020

The man I married, or the man I thought I married is gone. In my case, he never existed because the lies and infidelity started before our marriage. I only found out years later.

I so relate to that. I lost the man I married when the AP appeared in our life in 2011...they were “just friends”. And when I found out recently about the affair, he had to nerve to lie to me and to MC, that is was just a “friendship”. He has said so, so many disgusting hurtful things to me since Dday....he is not the man I married. I feel that the AP and the lies have been in almost half my marriage.

I know I will never know the truth....because he continues to lie...and his life expectancy is about 5 more months....unless he has an epiphany on his death bed, he will lie until his last breath. Which was his plan all along anyway...take it to his grave. I am only here for my kids and I will be his caregiver but nothing else. I am still angry and hurt and it bugs the crap out of me not to know the truth, but I guess tome will heal that also.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8540164
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 6:22 PM on Wednesday, May 20th, 2020

In October 2019 I found out about 2 affairs one that ended 9 years before and one that didn’t end until December that started in June but he first told me it was just once. So after 2 months of trickle truth and more lies. Things started to change when I was contacted by AP2. The affair ended that day and as far as I know he has had no contact in spite of her efforts to contact him last known contact with AP1 was within a few days. Our 19th anniversary was last month.

Things have gradually improved, reconciliation is going about as well as could be expected. It’s very gradually getting easier, our communication has improved vastly and he is doing a lot of self reflection and dealing with things that should have been felt with decades ago.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8544234
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 2:22 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

Hey All....I am very an especially sad day. I am filled with sorrow. I was wondering how many of you that found out years later actually R’d? Does finding out years later impact your decisions?

In my situation...I don’t get a choice or either R or D (we are living in limbo, just rug sweeping it until he passes) but this topic has still been on my mind today. I appreciate any insights.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8546410
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

It's hard to say how finding out 9 years later effected my decisions. My initial reaction other than shock and numbness was that I would have left but, I thought I was about to leave 5 minutes before I confronted him about his current (it's over now) affair. I was unemployed with 2 small kids, leaving would have probably involved moving back in with my parents.

Finding out years later did give me an opportunity to look back and see how our lives improved after the affair ended. I log into both of our Facebook accounts every day and look at the memories for context around the affair because I totally missed that shit the first time. The second one I knew in my gut he was up to something in real time. It took a while to get through the, he wouldn't do that stage but my gut knew.

I really wish he'd had the balls to come home and tell me about that first drunken walk in the woods, if he'd dealt with his shit then we could have avoided a lot of misery. I wouldn't have been happy but I could have handled the first kiss before it escalated. I wouldn't have resisted the counseling, I didn't understand why he wanted it.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8546412
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Hurt1227 ( member #71723) posted at 5:49 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

I found out about 8 months ago about my WS affairs prior to our marriage and several years into our marriage of 31 years. We are working on R, but it is extremely difficult. Had I found out back then I believe I would have walked away.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2019
id 8546484
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

I found out 2.5 years after the last of their communication, 3 years after their PA. I have found a few things that make attempting R a little “easier”. I never had to knowingly watch him mourn the loss of the AP. I don’t have to wonder if he would have ended it, how long it would have gone on, if he would have eventually left me for her, or any of those things. I think it helps going through this knowing he hasn’t touched her in 3.5 years.

In my case, my WH completely changed his behavior toward me over the last couple of years. He became way more loving, responsible, and was open with his phone and shared his location long before d-day. He doesn’t get a cookie for any of that, but it helps a little to know he changed his behavior before I even found out.

The thing I DO have to question, is if he would have gone his entire life without telling me. Also, if he’d have gotten away with it, would it have been something he would be willing to do again. I truly don’t believe he will, at least anytime in the foreseeable future, because he has suffered the consequences greatly. He still has to live each day knowing I have not fully made up my mind on R, watched me walk out the door on more than one occasion, and seen the damage his actions have caused his wife and children. There is of course the awfulness of being lied to for YEARS. Information is harder to access, but if you call the phone company, they can still send you aged phone bills. They didn’t love me that day in customer service, but they did it. lol that was a key piece to filling in the holes in my WH’s memory. I have had to accept there are things I will never know for 100% fact. Well, I’m still working on actually accepting that. lol there’s a lot I still question, but can only take my WH’s word on. I’ve had to look at it like, does it matter if he F-Ed her 6 times like he said, or 25 times like she said? Truth is probably somewhere in the middle, and his commitment to be faithful to me was shattered after the 1st time he touched her. Or even texted her, depending how you view things.

Infidelity is a bear to overcome, but there are some things I’m actually thankful for in finding out years removed. Maybe that makes me crazy.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 687   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8546504
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 9:12 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

Undeserving, I saw the same behavior changes after the affair you described. It does help not watching the grieving of AP, that shit sucks! He planned on taking the secret to his grave. I think if it had come out sooner there is a possibility the second affair would not have happened.

Finding out years later vs during an ongoing affair comes with different challenges, the hurt was different but equally devastating.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8546557
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 9:36 PM on Thursday, May 28th, 2020

LoneTurtle & Underserving - My WH’s affair started as an EA...I quickly caught him (2011) and thought we had dealt with it. He went underground with a full EA/PA that lasted years with the same AP. I just caught him recently. Yes, now he has no contact, so that is easier. I believe she dumped him, he continued to email her occasionally in the years after the A ended. I believe in hope of re-starting it...this he denies. He says they didn’t have sex between years 3 to 5. Only in year 3 and then again in year 5...I don’t believe him. As he still lies and lied a lot to me over the years.

So I feel like I was plan B...he denies this also. I accept I will never know the full truth...and it doesn’t matter, just like you said...whether it was 4 or 20 times for sex, what difference does it make. The lies are harder for me. He was 100% going to take it to his grave (and he almost made it), but I found out.

Our marriage did improve after the A ended. The years of the A, was pure hell for me. But I didn’t know why of course. I feel any good years after the A, have been wiped out from all the lies. All tainted.

I guess my question was trying to get at that if the affair was no longer active and you as the BS had been in happy oblivion, maybe finding out years later make R the more logical choice and an easier route?? For me, setting aside the fact he is terminally ill (so no R for us), I think I would divorce him. After the first EA, I flat out told him cheating was a deal breaker for me...he did it anyway and continued for years. I just wondered how many others, felt that same way, even though it’s years past the affair (it’s new to us and feels just as devastating and fresh).

I know everyone’s situation is unique and different...I am just wondering if I am in the minority.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8546567
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 2:48 AM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Don’t get me wrong, the devastation is still AWFUL. But there are aspects I haven’t had to deal with due to the uniqueness of finding out years later. Those are honestly things I’m thankful for. I don’t know that I’d be as willing to R if everything was as fresh. But that might make me in the minority, not you. It doesn’t make R easy, though. To me it’s just certain parts are easiER. Others are definitely harder. In my case, him changing his behavior on his own without being found out (yet) is the only reason I’m even considering R. I haven’t fully committed to it, there’s still so much healing to be done for me. Plus the fact he didn’t come clean, he was caught. But I have to be realistic that it’s pretty rare for the cheater to confess.

You do have the added factor that he was caught, you gave him and ultimatum, and he continued underground. That would likely be a deal breaker, however this whole situation has taught me you don’t really know what you’ll do until it happens. I am pretty confident that if my WH EVER even crosses a line again, I’ll be out the door with a smile.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 687   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8546638
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iamanidiot ( member #47257) posted at 9:05 AM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Underserving said:

The thing I DO have to question, is if he would have gone his entire life without telling me. Also, if he’d have gotten away with it, would it have been something he would be willing to do again.

My spouse didn't confess. In fact over the 6 year duration of the A's she denied everything.

30 years later I questioned an outburst she had that didn't make sense (to me).

She could so easily have denied just one more time. She would have gone the rest of our lives with her secrets. I would never have known the full extent. I had moved on long ago.

Instead she finally confessed.

Obviously over time it still bothered her, she still thought about it. It still got to her so much and that specific day she had an outburst. After 30 years.

Imagine carrying all that around with you. Thinking about shit like that all the time, like how bad you once were, the things you did....

No I don't think she would do anything like that again. In a sense, she has become a little too perfect. To this day she doesn't tolerate stepping off the straight and narrow road. Telling fibs, not doing the right thing, etc etc. My sons & I are always being reprimanded.

Actually becoming quite the pain in the neck sometimes

It has been 5 years since DDay. I try not to bring things up or ask crappy questions any more. (Do the specifics really matter once you KNOW that it happened? The imagination fills in the rest.)

Just my way of accepting and moving on.

But every week there is still something from her. A 'Sorry' or 'I don't HOW I could have done those things' or just sitting on her own staring into space with her eyes filling up.....

And she does something EVERY DAY to let me know I'm her special person!!

Me BS,57 Her WS,55
2 LTA & 2 ONS 30+years ago
D-day 27/12/14
At least I still have my sense of humor.
I need it.
Coming to grips with it all
3 Adult children
Still married

posts: 470   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: South Africa
id 8546688
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:43 AM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

So we all “caught” or found out years later....and assuming there were no other affairs, where is the “work” done by our WS’s? Why is it only after DDay?

Yes, my marriage was improved when the AP was finally out of our lives, but my WH did nothing to fix his brokenness. Before or after Dday. No reading, no therapy, no inner retrospectIon. The affair ended, he went on with life with me like it never existed. No “work”....he just got away with it for years. Until the Dday bomb exploded, and then he was agreeable to some therapy. (He now refuses it go...but that’s another story). He said he felt guilty every day and live in fear I would find out every day, but nothing spurred him on to make any changes in himself. He was comfortable with the years of lies....all of that bothers me.

You are all very lucky indeed if your spouses, made changes on their own after the affair. I can see why you are trying R. Mine has just made all of the wrong wayward choices...gaslighting, lies, blamshifting, anger, defensiveness since Dday. You are all very fortunate.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 518   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8546716
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LoneTurtle ( new member #74454) posted at 9:50 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

He didn’t do any real work he just buried and suppressed everything until it festered and popped and he had another affair. He said he may have read 1 article on the internet and had a councilor tell him he didn’t need to tell me about it if it was really over.

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2020
id 8546922
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