SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey BFTG --

I've think about that question and a bunch of related ones pretty regularly...some of the Top 10 in my head: "I should do what's right: So what's right? Would I be doing this just for revenge? What would I do if I KNEW there would be no blow-back for me and my WS? What if I knew that by telling her MY path would be even more difficult? Am I choosing my safety and happiness over someone elses by not telling?" I could go on and on.

I may come off like an a-hole here, but your specific question is not meaningful to me.

Would I want to know? I think so. Based on the specific circumstances of my WS and I and my personality, I guess I would.

BUT, I don't know what the other wife would want and I don't want to make the mistake of projecting my personality on her. What I want and how I think is irrelevant to her situation.

...and yeah, I realize that some will see this as a convienient excuse to do nothing. It's complicated.

I haven't resvisited this topic with my IC since the first session I had with her. Perhaps it's time since I'm in a better place now.

Not complicated at all. Just the decent thing to do.

Humanity and decency. Wouldn't you like to have been treated as such?

My advice is to ALWAYS tell the OBS. Also have you and your WS been checked for STDs? That's another reason the OBS should know is that other bodily fluids have been circulating.

I will never understand the BS that doesn't disclose. I too see it as aiding the WS in their dirty secret. That's a secret I didn't want to keep.

Harry,

Your dday was in April? You are in crisis mode. Do not mistake that this is serious trauma and will impact your decisions. Take a minute and breathe. Clear your head.

Now, tell me, if a friend of yours told you his wife not only cheated but was still hearing from the guy and getting flowers from him, what would you say? What if he told you they’d met but did not have sex, after weeks of professing love for each other? Listen, all of us understand. I know reading here hurts. I know the advice is not want you want to hear, but Harry, you love your wife and you want to reconcile, right? Please know that we all want that for you. We are telling you what has been proven to work. People want you to stop having to get hit in the face and in the privates and to start healing from this terrible pain. Please hear me. Did you ever think your wife would do this? No? None of us did either, yet here we are.

Take one step at a time. Think through what you want as your end result here and move toward it.

N/C means NO contact. No replies. No Facebook. In fact, many of us have made no social media a requirement for R. I did. Guess what? He’s surviving without it, so will your wife. Your wife knows this guy is still out there...as if he’s an option. He’s sending her flowers to keep her hooked. These are little positive “hits” for her. It keeps her in the loop. No more of it. She has to KNOW you will leave and will not stay in this cycle. This is why telling the OBS helps. As he’s focused on saving his marriage, he’s less likely to contact or send flowers.

She should not hurt you with sharing her “feelings” for him. She needs to see a therapist who specializes in infidelity and work through all of this. This will not happen in one or two sessions.

You must find a way to draw a line. You are not plan B. You are her HUSBAND. No healthy woman allows herself to have feelings of love for another man while married. Healthy people have boundaries and protect their marriages. You deserve better. Be clear that you will not settle.

It sounds like you are still questioning her? I know I did for the first year...still do when I need to. Is that what you mean by “the work?” You need to have the absolute truth and as many details as you want. If you don’t, it becomes impossible for you to move forward.

I know this sucks. It’s pain you never asked forays don’t deserve. Please HEAR us, Harry. You’ve found SI in time to help. You can do this.

Dem

Harry, you're getting some good advice here from people who have been there and done that. None of this is easy, brother. For most people, surviving infidelity will be the most painful and challenging time of their lives. I've read from combat veterans, survivors of rape, incest and all manner of abuse, and often enough, infidelity is at the top of the charts. There is tremendous wisdom, compassion and guidance to be found here. Keep posting.

t/j

It’s a theme here that people think we should guilt trip BS into telling because it’s “our duty”. No it is not!

W3IRZ, this isn't something you can spin. It's not a 'theme,' not about 'guilty-tripping.' It's the right and moral thing to do. You may have made a false peace with your rationalizations, but that doesn't change simple truths.

Unhinged- who are you to make that judgment call? It’s an opinion. My opinion is that I was more concerned with preserving my family than telling obs. You are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine. Just because lots of people here feel it should be done doesn’t change that it’s an opinion. I am more than ok with my decision. What I don’t like is how people here make people who are already struggling feel badly about not telling the OBS. My opinions are just as valid as everyone else’s. I am nearly healed and my marriage is fantastic. If my opinion isn’t helpful to someone they can keep on scrolling.

Taking a few days off. Some of the posts here have been challenging but empathetic. Others make me feel like I'm a shitty person because I'm worrying about me first. I feel bad enough already and don't want to expend any more mental energy worrying about what's going on in this thread.

Best wishes.

Harry I think it is very healthy to take a step back once and awhile. Totally about surviving this ordeal right now. Don't worry about the right and wrong ways. You've got nothing but time.

SI will be here when you need more advice or just need to let something out. IC is really the best thing you an do for yourself right now.

It is certainly not fair and it is a huge injustice we all feel here everyday. Only we can fix ourselves and heal. Our WS can't do that and no amount of anything won't get us there unless we do focus on ourselves.

Is your W in IC too ? Based on what you've shared I think she needs that too. She has to begin the journey of change to show you why you would want to be M to her.

Don't confuse familiar with safe. They are not the same thing.

Like I said you've got time. Time itself doesn't heal. It is what you do with that time that really makes a difference.

Take care of yourself.

It's like being in a life raft from a sinking ship, having extra space in the raft, but choosing not to pick up another drowning survivor because you are focused on making sure your family is safe and dry. Eventually, if you are able to make it to safety, you may have succeeded in preserving your family and may be in a good place with that. You can rationalize not reaching out to the other drowning person because there was risk in doing that, and in diverted energy from your family.

Yes, that and (when if I'm being totally honest) I worry that SHE will flip out, too.

If she is NC with AP she won't know you told his wife so that ins't a good excuse.

Unhinged- who are you to make that judgment call? It’s an opinion. My opinion is that I was more concerned with preserving my family than telling obs. You are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine. Just because lots of people here feel it should be done doesn’t change that it’s an opinion. I am more than ok with my decision. What I don’t like is how people here make people who are already struggling feel badly about not telling the OBS. My opinions are just as valid as everyone else’s. I am nearly healed and my marriage is fantastic. If my opinion isn’t helpful to someone they can keep on scrolling.

I didn't contact the OBS either and feel it was the right decision for ME. According to my H, the OBS already knew and told my H's AP (his wife) that he wasn't going to contact me. Whether or not that is true is another story. My H's claims he saw a text from his AP's BS indicating he knew something was going on. Anyway, I didn't contact him.

It took my H about a month to go full NC. He lied to me at first and told me there was NC, but they worked for the same company at the time. My H has a hard time with confrontation and didn't know how to get his ass out of the pile of shit he created, so he tried to maintain both relationships until he could "figure out how to get out of the A". Once I busted him, I made him call her in front of me. That ended it for good and then he quit and found another job. End of story.

So NC is mandatory as far as I am concerned. IF, if he EVER has any kind of contact with her again, I will not hesitate to contact the OBS.

who are you to make that judgment call?

A betrayed husband who spent about two months debating with myself on whether and how to contact the OBS. I'm someone who MADE that judgment call and did the right thing.

I was more concerned with preserving my family than telling obs.

How are these linked?

You are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine. Just because lots of people here feel it should be done doesn’t change that it’s an opinion.

You're right. It's an opinion. It's an opinion based upon courage, integrity, honor and the obligation we all owe to each other as human beings.

HarryChicago, I'm probably one of the posters that made you "feel shitty". Sorry about that :(

My anger at you is irrational and I fully understand that. I know where you are. I've been there myself. I've felt everything you feel. And it is partly why most of us feel frustration when reading your story. Because we BTDT. And we know where it usually leads. We see you making same mistakes we did. We can definitely tell you that you are not in R as long as there is contact between them, as long as she gets upset at blocking her AP, etc. Because to be in R means that both partners have to be 100%. Hell, I do not consider myself in R, and we are 1 year from DDay2, my WW is doing everything to prove to me that she is safe partner to remain married to. Of course, you might say that my WW put me through a much worse shit that you so my recovery is much more difficult. But I see myself in what you are describing. I was "understanding" - that it is hard to let AP go, so I didn't stress the finality of NC, I didn't put boundaries and consequences for breaking them. It was me who blocked AP on her social media. Do you know how WSes interpret such actions? They interpret it as an admission that it is partially your fault for their affair (even if they deny that). Yes, they admit that it was wrong thing to do, but when you expect them to do things that would help you restore trust, they treat it as controlling. They expect us to just trust them. To trust that since they now know that "it was the wrong thing to do", then it is OK to remain "friends" with their AP and that nothing will happen. My WW said "no problem" when I asked to share her location. But now she admits that she felt like I was controlling, "suffocating her" - as she told AP3. It is all twisted in their mind, all totally selfish. WW thought that it is OK to remain friends with AP1, since I knew nothing about him at the time. I went through a year of hell of false R that concluded with DDay2.

Please, understand that you still trying to view your WW as the same person you married. She is not. She might say the right words, but her internal reactions to your actions and words are completely different. If you read your initial post, you will notice how everything is about her. Remorseful waywards can look at your post and say - when I was behaving like that, I didn't care shit about my BS. All I cared about was myself.

That's where your wife is now.

About telling OBS - it is not necessary that you do this right now. You might want to wait until your WW is in a less vulnerable state - I understand that. And yes, you should make yourself (not your marriage, BTW) priority for now, since you are still quite early in the process. But what we don't want to see is you, not doing the right thing because of fear.

W3IRZ might not be feeling that there was crime committed against her, so it is OK to keep OBS in the dark. Most of us do feel that. Some women here on SI said that infidelity was way worse than rape (they experienced both). So if you knew that some guy was drugging his girlfriend and raping her every other night, would you keep it secret?

How you are doing, HC?

A reminder for members:

I decided to tell the OBS last week and did so today.

It was a relatively brief conversation - about ten minutes. Her husband had not told her about the affair.

When she asked him why I was attempting to get in touch, it sounds like he trickle-truthed. Then she called me. She did not know about the oral sex nor his attempts to reach out after my WS asked for NC. She asked me if I had any questions and I said no. She was bitter about the situation, then sad. I wished her luck. She told me she was glad she knew. We probably won't talk again.

All in all, it was a pretty positive experience. I felt cleaner and lighter - less afraid.

That said, about an hour ago I told my WS that the OBS had spoken.

She got very, very quiet. She asked if I had considered discussing the situation with her, and I told her I had, and dismissed the idea.

She asked if I had thought about talking to the WH instead, and I said it wasn't about him - it was about the OBS and me feeling it was the right thing to do. I told her why I thought it was the best thing to do.

I asked her what she was feeling and she told me she was processing and numb. I couldn't really tell if she was sad, angry, afraid, or all of it.

She decided to take a walk, and she took her cell phone with her. I hope she doesn't call him, but if she does I'll deal with it.

I'm afraid again.

[This message edited by HarryChicago at 8:38 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

My friend being affraid or letting fear guide you will put you in worse shape.

The truth fixes a look things. You did a great job. If you'd done this sooner you'd be better off one way or the other.

It's not your job to help hide their affair. Consequences are a good thing.

Congrats for standing up for yourself.

Life with her will never be worth it with another man in the mix.

Check your phone bill online and if she called him inform the other spouse.

I have been, regularly. There have been no incoming or outgoing calls on the number in question since she went NC.

I've checked her phone now and then and the dude is still blocked on FB, which was their primary method of communication. I feel confident that there hasn't been any communication other than the response I allowed (I'm an idiot) back in April.

Hopefully she's calling a girlfriend who is aware of the situation if she's talking to anyone at all. I've known this person almost as long as my WS and she's been cheated on, so she knows the deal - we've talked a couple times.

Harry - they might have a new messaging app. From what we’ve read, your wife is still acting strange. I’m not trying to make you paranoid but want you to remain vigilant. Let the pieces fall and then move forward without being afraid. You make good choices. Make choices you are proud of. You can’t control her, so don’t. But watch and know that whatever happens, you will be fine.

I hope this will bring things into reality for your WW. I have to imagine that knowing that her AP's wife knows will make the ending feel more final to her, and she'll have to deal with her embarrassment rather than clinging to the "good" memories. (This is assuming they are still/remain NC.)