SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Harry, how are things going?

Hanging in there, thanks for asking. I've started doubling up on my IC every other week, and that extra time is helpful.

I've identified the two things that are pretty much deal killers for attempts at R:

WW not completely exiting her fog (vs. "I have fond memories of AP, but I'll still work on my marriage")

WW not beginning to make some progress on her own issues via her IC. She's pretty broken right now, and b/c of my past it's really hard for me to live with the ups and downs brought on by her mood changes

I'm also beginning to understand that I am just sort of in a holding pattern right now until she gets her head straight OR I come to the conclusion that it's not going to happen. I'll work on me as much as I can and see where things go. Hate how open-ended everything seems, but it is what it is.

[This message edited by HarryChicago at 11:40 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

Your wife may be laying low in the hopes that she can reconnect with her soul mate once the smoke clears.

You have been really harshly judgmental towards the OBS . I actually love when BWs go on the war path. It seems like it’s more common among women to fight for what’s theirs.

So many BHs are the complete opposite. Afraid to expose, afraid to confront. Quick to make excuses for their WW betrayals. These BHs consistently get the same results. A WW that is Luke warm and pines away for her lover.

You have been really harshly judgmental towards the OBS

Not sure how you came to this conclusion. I haven’t said anything about my feelings about the OBS one way or the other.

Time will bring you clarity if you let it. I would cut off the rugsweep your MC is pulling.

You had no part in her deceitful betrayal. It was very well planned and executed on her part.

Time will bring you clarity if you let it

That’s what the IC says. Makes sense. Doesn’t make me feel less bitter. Don’t know if I should put some sort of private semi-artificial timeline on “see what happens” or just focus on me 95% her 5% and see where it goes.

I rarely read in this section but boy did this thread bring back strong memories from my past.

Before I decided that D was what I needed, I was in MC with my then WW. The counselor had done some very good things for both of us, me especially. Just like you I had not told the OBS. There was no internet back then. After a couple months I came to conclusion that if the OBS had the information of the affair first, I’d want her to tell me for all the reasons mentioned in earlier threads. I also decided I was not going to tell my WW of my decision to notify the OBS. I just did it. I did not want WW to have any chance to reach out to AP. I told my WW what I did the day after I told OBS. And just like your therapist, our therapist felt this was a breach of trying to reestablish trust on my part. My WW knew not to display any anger about what I did (but I knew she was). She acted melancholy about it until we were in the MC office. So, I too was ganged up on (in a nice way) in therapy over this. I was extremely non-confrontational at this stage of my life, but something inside me triggered me to stand firm on this one. So I did, and I managed to do it without losing my temper. I told the therapist that despite all the help she'd given me she was wrong. I explained that there is no way my wife gets my trust back to the level that I’d give her a chance to potentially let OM know what was coming. It was part of MY healing, not my WW’s or the benefit of our marriage. If either of them didn’t like it, they should think it again because I was right. End of discussion. Therapist had never seen me like stand up for myself like that. Don’t think my WW had either. Therapist conceded my way was not “wrong”, but not what she would have recommended for healing our marriage. I said I need to be healed from this betrayal before the marriage has a chance. It was a real awakening for me. I hadn’t thought that way until that moment. Of course, years later when SI came along I felt quite good that the community supports IC before MC to have a decent chance at R. It took that confrontation in the MC office for me to realize it.

Excellent post

That’s what the IC says. Makes sense. Doesn’t make me feel less bitter. Don’t know if I should put some sort of private semi-artificial timeline on “see what happens” or just focus on me 95% her 5% and see whe

You do what's best for you. The marriage (the one your WW ended) is secondary at this time.

How are you doing Harry? Your thread is too important to roll off into obscurity.

I am working with two men who are walking in your shoes. Your posts have helped them.

How are you doing Harry?

Day-by-day :)

Read about co-dependency and thought, "This is me", so attended my first CODA meeting last week. Pretty interesting stuff.

Confronted the MC two sessions after I felt "ganged up on" and told her she had it wrong. Also started openly disagreeing immediately vs. "playing along to keep the peace".

Spending most of my time trying to think about what I need and what's best for me vs. reacting to whatever is going on in my WS's life. The latter part is pretty tough for me - it's hard to stay even when she crashes out emotionally. I try NOT to worry about what she's thinking and then attempt to "fix" whatever I think may be wrong. Doing that was a waste of my time and it was exhausting.

Still very much want this to work. Just feel like I have a little distance now. Like I'm a little bit more in control of myself. We'll see.

What say you Harry?