SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mr. F,

He straight asked me if I would consider postponing everything and taking care of MIL and my wife during and after he is gone.

I know I am dragging the FIL issue on a bit, but just wanted to add a bit of clarity to this.

First: you do what you need to do for YOU, as you will need to consider the long term impact on your physical and mental health, which impacts your children's lives also. Do not be dragged into something that is not beneficial to YOU.

Second: you are not his keeper ... and he still has a daughter who is physically able...

Hey, charger, STFU yourself. Get off your high horse

Well to be honest it was more like a shot and a beer then a high horse. A 1966 Charger does have a lot of horsepower though. Can't say the same thing about a Chevy. Nevertheless STFU is innappropiate and I withdraw that part of the post.

With that being said, he said that he is going to divorce. He already started taking care of the legal aspects. And if I recall, he already made up his mind that he was not going to stick it to his wife. He appears to have a trait called decency.

So quite honestly, any disagreement doesn't really mean Jack shit since it is his choice.

Hopefully that was not inappropriate.

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:44 AM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

It's been shitty two weeks (as expected) but thing are kind of slower now so I wanted to give you an update.

In short - I declined postponing everything. With all respect, I think it was a very unfair to ask me this and I refuse to be the one who takes all the load on his shoulders and does what others want or expect me to. I think it's time for me to be a little selfish and do what's best for me.

She took the news better than I expected. She's distraught, obviously, but she's doing good all things considered. I told her I am not kicking her out of the house while her dad is dying, so she can stay until she's firmly back on her feet which could take a few months but I am ok with it.

STBX Still plans on taking the poly and is asking for a second chance. I think she's getting more desperate as the final hearing is closing in, but she hasn't done anything bad or stupid. Everyday life is pretty boring, we don't go out much but I kind of like it that way, it gives me a lot of time to spend with my kids who are an absolute joy. So for those who were wondering - I am doing OK. Not great, not terrible.

thanks for checking in

Glad you checked in with us.

Just about everyone on this forum deserves to

be a little selfish and do what's best for me.

The request was too much to ask.

In short - I declined postponing everything. With all respect, I think it was a very unfair to ask me this and I refuse to be the one who takes all the load on his shoulders and does what others want or expect me to. I think it's time for me to be a little selfish and do what's best for me.

She took the news better than I expected. She's distraught, obviously, but she's doing good all things considered. I told her I am not kicking her out of the house while her dad is dying, so she can stay until she's firmly back on her feet which could take a few months but I am ok with it.

No need to explain yourself. Judging by how you've been acting so far, hadn't she cheated on you, you'd be currently giving her all the support you could think of and possibly more. She's facing the consequences of her actions and it's unfortunate that they coincide with your in-law's illness. It will sound harsh and cynical but - tough luck, lady ...

Thanks, MrFlibble. Strength to you.

Glad you checked in. Doing ok at this point good. Infidelity is terrible and the consequences are bad. Recovery is going to take quite awhile. Your kids deserve to see their dad happy so keep enjoying the little moments with them.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 7:58 PM, April 9th (Friday)]

Mr F,

I think you are doing the right thing. This is a horrible situation, but you should not be expected to run your life around around it.

I think anyone with a heart can see why your father-in-law asked you to put your life on hold. He is trying to look after his daughter now that he knows he will not be around forever. I think any of us might do the same in his position.

However, you have to run your life around what is right for you. And doing that does not mean that you are going to abandon your WW. You may be in the process of detaching, but if she was hit by a bus tomorrow, you would make sure that she had the best care possible. That does not require you to stop the divorce.

I think that maybe the best thing would be to explain to your FIL that you have to detach from your wife, but that does not mean abandoning her and just walking away. Tell him that you will do your best to make sure that she is alright, but you do not need to be married to her to do that.

Mr. F, I'm happy to hear that you're doing what's best for you and not just what everyone else wants. Keep it up.

Support and strength to you in your decisions

Also support to your STBX in relation to her father’s diagnosis.

For her ‘One day at a time.

Buffer

Being "selfish" is something we all must do every now and then to stay sane.

I'm sorry you're not great (no one expects this) but that you're also not terrible. Hang in there.

Start moving on by training your brain to regard you wife as your ex-wife. You need to begin conditioning you mind that you are no longer married except on paper.

You can allow her to remain in the home and you can be polite to her, but you need to make her understand that the marriage is over, and along with it all of the perks and privileges of having a husband. And be straight with her about it. She fired you as her husband, there is no going back for you.

Do not go out of your way to do things for her unless it has something to do with the immediate welfare of the kids. If she breaks down on the highway alone, you are no longer obligated to run to her aid. She can call a tow truck and get an Uber home. If she needs help with a personal issue, tell her to call a friend. Only do things that revolve around the welfare of the kids and the upkeep of the house. That's it.

It is not petty. It is not vindictive. It is displaying to her very succinctly that your investment in her is over. You are no longer her partner. And in fact, you should be living for you, and making you your priority.

How you doing, MrFlibble? Okay, I hope.

I think "meh" is the right word.

The only thing worth mentioning is I saw SH on Sunday. I don't think he would have recognized me, but he definitely recognized my W. We had kids with us and it must have been obvious who I am. It was almost comical. We were on a tram, he got on, saw us and got off on the very next stop. I was thinking about what my reaction would be if we ever run into each other, but I didn't give a damn. The only thing I felt was amusement over confirmation of what I already knew - that he's a pathetic loser and nothing more.

The poly is scheduled next Friday, so I need to send my questions by the end of this week.

What was you stbex's reaction?

MrFlibble,

Have you finalized your questions yet?

You should ask if the latest timeline is accurate and complete. If not, what is missing? The biggest question is whether she had sex with OM or not. You should probably make sure the term "sex" is well defined to not only include PIV but all other forms as well.

I've been following this thread/story for a while. I am very sorry it has unfolded the way it has. You seem like a stand up guy and I was rooting for you and your marriage. Good luck to you.

Start moving on by training your brain to regard you wife as your ex-wife. You need to begin conditioning you mind that you are no longer married except on paper.

I am having trouble with this. I obviously still care for her and I am not abandoning her while one of her parents is dying, sorry. And we have two small kids together who are already affected. I almost wish I could make a clean cut, but that's entirely impossible.

What was you stbex's reaction?

To seeing SH you mean? She turned her back to him and held my arm. But I could tell she was tense, she later admited she was afraid I will go and punch him in his face.

I am having trouble with this. I obviously still care for her and I am not abandoning her while one of her parents is dying, sorry. And we have two small kids together who are already affected. I almost wish I could make a clean cut, but that's entirely impossible.

Well if Divorce is the ultimate goal, you need to start detaching. I'm not saying to abandon her in the sense that you stop paying bills and helping take care of house and the kids. What I am trying to get through to you is that if you do not start emotionally detaching from her now, then you never will. Later on it will be all that much harder to do so unless you start making it clear to her now that the two of you are moving out of the marriage zone and into the friend-zone. This is not a hard concept. Set boundaries. Stop the touchy feely.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:09 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

To seeing SH you mean? She turned her back to him and held my arm. But I could tell she was tense, she later admited she was afraid I will go and punch him in his face.

Manipulation. Tell her that is ridiculous.

Honestly, why would you care? If you are divorcing then her running into him in public is her problem, not yours, and you need to make that plain to her. She is the one who broke your vows and betrayed you... not the OM.

And don't hold hands or let her grab your arm anymore. Knock it off with the touchy-feely. Set boundaries and start detaching.