SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear 36

There are a whole bunch of us out here in the ether thinking about you. You may be on your own but you are not alone.

I know just how it feels to be sitting in a hotel room staring at 4 walls wondering where my life went. I promise you it does end.

You are clearly a capable man who has strong values. I suspect you are also a kindly person who would give people the benefit of the doubt hence your willingness to let your friends offer counsel. Please remember that ultimately you know how you have been treated and whether your friends believe it or not, nothing changes that.

My first wife's betrayal was very public and disruptive to a large number of people. Lots of people offered me advice and I learned who were my true friends. It meant when the next crises hit I knew who I could talk to. They were the ones who actually helped with making that loneliness go away.

I wish you the very best of outcomes.

hope you cancel the dinner with the couple.

You can tell the nice lady that you might consider it after things settle down, but you are in position to enjoy her dinner.

Wait until the D is finished.

stay NC with your wife. any communication goes thru your attorney.

Your stbxww has told lies to the couple. you can give them the correct information.

hope you do reach out to your kids. They can help if they know what is going on.

tomorrow may be a better day, but better days are going to come.

just make it thru today and you do not have to go to the disaster dinner tonight with the couple and your stbxww.

36:

You ask if it's normal behavior for the female friend to invite you to dinner.

As a female, I think it's our nature to help others. She knows you're alone and need to be fed - I also think food stuff is an age group thing .

But, I'm pretty jaded now. I view most actions by others by how they benefit the giver. Does the giver want to help me or get details? What does the giver want to accomplish? What does the giver want in return?

Knowing what I know now, I would never put a man in the position of inviting them to dinner at this point in your timeline. I do not believe it's appropriate. Maybe another time further down the road. If she wants to make sure you are fed now, then drop off a casserole at your doorstep and gracefully back away.

That's just me though...

Maybe the single friend has always liked you and sees an opportunity now. I'd probably not take her up on it as it's too soon and you're still married.

For the couple friends, I think I'd tell them you'd love to meet/have dinner with them sometime but you are not ready to do this with your wife. This would give you a chance to express your side of the story, which I feel is important. If they want to "council" you, they sound like it's a faith based thing since I assume they are not therapists and she has appealed to them as a fellow Christian. They need to hear how unremorseful and cruel she has been. You need to have some friends who are sympathetic to you so you don't feel alone. If after hearing your side they are still with her, you need new friends. JMHO.

But I did get another phone call from another mutual friend. She's single and around my age.

36, hmmmmmm, well that's an interesting development. My spidey sense are a' tingling.

A "mutual" friend makes my first impulse think this might be set-up too. Do you trust this woman enough to ask her point blank where this idea came from, (as in, did your WW ask her to feel you out)and when was the last time this mutual friend talked to your wife. What does she know of the entire situation? Seems odd that you would have two invites so close together, does the woman also know the other couple?

All things considered, probably not a good idea. I'm afraid if I were in your shoes, my curiosity would get the better of me and I would end up in some re-engagement that would drag the WW back into as she ( the friend) might be conveying the conversation back to her (WW).

Or is it your feeling that this mutual friend may be wanting to reserve a place in the front line after the divorce? Only you can speculate on that.

Perhaps a good meal and polite conversation would be nice...but you know this would lead to one of two situations, her either pumping you for information, or possibly just pumping.

Maybe you should just take a rain check on that for now.

Keep the faith, bro!

[This message edited by twisted at 1:22 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

36, do not engage with any other woman at this point, innocent as it may be. I would politely decline. You are in a vulnerable state, first deal with all of the emotions you are obviously feeling.

Something else your WW would have to use as ammunition against you.

Meet a male friend for dinner or your son.

I agree with everyone else, tonight's dinner was more than likely orchestrated by your WW, it's not a good idea. You will end up being on the defensive. You don't need that turmoil right now. That's why around here we say...NC = No New Hurts. You will not come out of this dinner feeling any better, probably much worse.

A "mutual" friend makes my first impulse think this might be set-up too. Do you trust this woman enough to ask her point blank where this idea came from, (as in, did your WW ask her to feel you out)and when was the last time this mutual friend talked to your wife. What does she know of the entire situation?

She is a very nice single woman. She's single because she cheated on all three of her husbands several years ago, but has since found religion.

She knows the entire situation. She even spoke to my wife after this came out and warned her about what she was probably going to lose.

I don't think this is a setup by my wife. I think I mentioned somewhere in these threads that I would not and could not ever be with another woman who cheated. That goes for this incredibly nice woman.

Based on her previous track record, regardless of her niceness and regardless of whether this is a sincere attempt at offering me a NSA meal, I just think it is inappropriate for me to spend time alone with a woman, who is not my wife, prior to the finalization of my divorce. I suppose I'm old fashioned, but I think nothing good could come of it.

And what if I did agree to have dinner at her house? I'm feeling sad and vulnerable, lonely and miserable. I don't think I am beyond falling into the sh!t if the circumstances were such and such and all the planets were aligned. It's better that I don't risk those circumstances. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.

So I turned her down.

But I still haven't made a decision about tonight and that makes me feel like I am a very weak man. I hate being weak and I despise being vulnerable. I also hate that my curiosity is currently overriding my remaining common sense.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 1:55 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

I still recommend meeting with the couple alone before ever meeting with them with your WW.

You are not a weak man. You have shown incredible strength.

Cancel the dinner with mutual friends. At this point, considering the affair, the complete lack of remorse, the attempt to have you arrested for DV, and bringing your children into it the way she did, any friends who are still mutual friends are not your friends. Your STBXWW has shown herself to be cruel, abusive, vindictive, and basically a horrible person. Anyone who is your friend will not want anything to do with her. And they certainly wouldn't want to try and convince you to drop the divorce. If anything, she has lied and manipulated these so called friends. They are not on your side, they're on hers. Because the purpose of this meeting is to convince you to take her back. No friend, no sane person, would want that for you.

Do not be guilted into his meeting. Call the husband and be very open with him about what she's done. Tell him your mind is made up, and divorce is the only option. I'd also tell him if,after he's been told the despicable things she's done, he and his wife still want to be her friend, then they can't be yours. That her presence in your life, in any way, is a deal breaker.

36,

Friend...

I'm feeling sad and vulnerable, lonely and miserable. I don't think I am beyond falling into the sh!t if the circumstances were such and such and all the planets were aligned. It's better that I don't risk those circumstances.

If those are good reasons not to go and have dinner with that lady, why are they not also good reasons for not going to this dinner tonight? You have analysed the lady's invitation, pulled it apart, identified risks, and decided to give it a wide berth. And yet the dinner tonight has no potential negative consequences, and enough potential benefits that it is 'safe' and worth going to? I'm not sure how that works.

It is your life, and I respect your decisions. However, as someone who is concerned for you, I think you would wise to go to neither dinner. There are potential pitfalls with both, and beyond a hot meal, neither offer anything beneficial to you.

36 maybe you feel like shit today because you said "yes" to the dinner tonight with this couple and deep down you know going to it won't be good for you?

Also having said "yes" to it (and knowing your wife will be there) your mind is racing wondering of all the HORRIBLE things that could happen at this meeting (given all crazy shit that has already happened).

Your mind/body is trying to warn you to stay away from this meeting.

Call the couple up and tell them "you've changed your mind" and then give them some of the bullet points on what your wife has done and that your decision on the marriage has been made and that you are moving on.

Ixnay on the tete-a-tete dinner with the single woman. Especially not at her home! Nope, nope, nope. You're vulnerable, and she could mean well.

But it is also not beyond the realm of possibility that she doesn't. She may be wanting to draw you out at your WW's request to relay strategy to her.

Best be safe.

Look, this is a SAFE place for working out your feelings. It is totally and 100% normal to feel used, discarded, unworthy and a bunch of other negative things. After all, a diet of shit sandwiches does not make for a pleasant life. We've all been served the same damn thing with a few interesting variations.

Come here. Talk to us. We get it. We know it's lonely and damn unfair to have been the stand-up spouse and to be treated like dirt.

But we also know that getting OUT of infidelity brings better things.

Do something good for you, even if it is just making a voodoo doll of your ex.

Cat

I also hate that my curiosity is currently overriding my remaining common sense.

36, I know this is the case and certainly would be for me too.

Also realize that refusing to meet with her will absolutely make her nuts, as she is even more curious about you and what you are doing.

That alone would be worth being a "no show".

She's single because she cheated on all three of her husbands several years ago, but has since found religion.

Yeah, that kinda disqualifies her on both counts in my book. Too bad, I think maybe you should tell her that, may be it will get back to your WW.

As for tonight, tell them you are done talking to your wife, she'll need to go through your lawyer. And I echo what Stephen, Hellfire, M1965 and others have said. After the last meeting you with her where she called the cops, you're not coming within mile of her. Make sure they understand that. She torched that bridge.

Good luck!

Dinner with her in her home would be a really bad idea. Dinner at a restaurant would be ok.

Dinner with her in her home would be a really bad idea. Dinner at a restaurant would be ok.

I think a dinner in public would also be inappropriate.

36,

Good job on bagging dinner with cheater #2 , now bag dinner with cheater #1, the WW, and you'll be a champ. If you don't all of the hell you have put yourself through since you left will be for naught, and will likely be twisted into you being the bad guy. They are setting you up so they can gang up on you and pound you into submission, and if anything gets squirrelly, you will be nominated for another DV charge. Think with your head right now, ignore the heart. You can do it.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 3:09 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

36

You made several excellent points about meeting with the single woman. I totally agree with you.

I think dinner with the couple tonight could be very upsetting. I wouldn't want a dinner like that.

I do believe out of respect for your friends and an opportunity to talk to a friend IRL I would offer to meet the man sometime so you could share your circumstances and thoughts with him. It might help you to talk with him. But not at dinner with his wife and yours.

I care. I believe you are handling this very well. I just wish you felt better. But these feelings of yours are normal.

Please allow yourself to do what is best for you. Your wife is using others to continue the assault against your decision to divorce. Protecting your mental health is a priority now. Find a person who cares for you and share a meal and some of your worries if you are ready. Your decision to decline the dinner invitation from the nice single woman with a history of cheating was a wise one. Regardless of her motives you do not need the drama.

Best luck to you as you continue to heal and regain control of your own life.

36, as I have said to you before, enlisting others in this manner is one of the strategies of the disordered.

Hang tough. You can do this.

Cat

36,

Here's another way to look at it: I am of the opinion that of the two dinners, the one alone at the home of the single woman is probably less inappropriate and risky to your mental equilibrium than the one with the helpful couple.

Yes you read that correctly.

That being said, neither is a very good idea at all right now.