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Why should I give a damn about the totally fucked up crap going on in my WW's former place of business? I am done. The time has come for me to just simply walk away, move on with my life and stop feeling and acting like an idiot.

See, you give yourself good advice.

Now, that said, I'm going to bet the OM was at home and peeing his pants.

M1965

You are much better off focusing on your stated aim, which is getting these people out of your life, and freeing yourself up to have a better life without their influence in it. Let them wallow in whatever fetid pool they have created for themselves, the best way for you to see them is in your rear view mirror, as you head into your new, infidelity-free life. Realising that the best thing to do is leave them all behind is another step on the journey, 36.

M1965, as usual your words are right on target. I especially like the idea of seeing this all in my rear view mirror. Perfect.

Redsox13

Ex-prosecutor here.

Do not talk to the police without your lawyer. I suspect the PO doesn't take the allegation seriously. In fact what you describe occurs reasonably frequently and honestly he was probably just trying to close the case.

BUT - given your state of mind the best thing is to make sure your lawyer handles it.

I told myself that every moment I spent thinking about all of this crap is a moment I can never get back. There is nothing in the end really that needs to be done once you start the divorce process. It is just a bunch of self-induced stress.

The sooner you can walk away from it the better.

I really appreciate your advice. Good to talk to a pro about the potential legal fallout.

Thanks.

Many, many people here will have their own version of it. Funny how fast the bad guys contact the cops, isn't it?

This happened to me as well. I guess the OM didn't like me sending the chat logs to the OBS, the Mayor, City Council, and his Fire Chief and shift Captain (just dates and times) that showed him clearly texting my fWW when he was on duty. Got a call from the PD in the city he lives in, not the one where he is a firefighter.

Hang in there, 36. You'll make it out the other side.

cop here. Yes, I agree with Redsox. The cop is probably just trying to close out the case. If it was serious, they would have stopped by and seen you. However, harassment is a minor offense and unless it happens in a cop's presence, they can't do anything about it. It is up to OM to file a criminal complaint which he probably won't. Besides, how do we know it was the police in the first place ??

Stopping by an address doesn't constitute harassment anyway. Only if warned not to come back.

Now I know you want to walk away. But before you do, two things

1) You need to finish your investigation and drop the hammer on this piece of shit and his boss. Shut down the corrupt enterprise and let the other BS know before they become devastated like you. The sooner they know the better. You said you would see it through. It would be one last piece of revenge and retribution. You need that now.

2) Status of divorce ? And I mean it. DO NOT REWARD YOUR WW in divorce by walking away from the assets you worked hard for. I would hammer down and go for the jugular. Force the sale of the house and win the case, then you have $$ to live, enjoy and leave your kids. Otherwise she's going to be spending the $$ on other men at your expense.

cop here. Yes, I agree with Redsox. The cop is probably just trying to close out the case. If it was serious, they would have stopped by and seen you. However, harassment is a minor offense and unless it happens in a cop's presence, they can't do anything about it. It is up to OM to file a criminal complaint which he probably won't. Besides, how do we know it was the police in the first place ??

The detective did ask if he could come by. Though he didn't know where I was. I of course declined.

Personally, I don't think I've harassed anyone other than asking his company to do something about the crap they have going on there and insisting that the POSOM stay away from my wife and my residence (though it's currently her residence).

I almost wish he would file a criminal complaint. I think he'd get his ass ripped to shreds in a courtroom once his criminal background and current antics are revealed.

As for whether the detective was real, I believe he was.

Stopping by an address doesn't constitute harassment anyway. Only if warned not to come back.

It's funny, I have never been told by the company or the POSOM that I am not allowed to stop by. Though I was informed by one of my inside moles that the police are to be called if I show up at the company location. As for the POSOM he actually texted me when this first started and invited me to stop by. I guess he didn't think I would. And yes, I think he was actually there last night when I arrived.

Now I know you want to walk away. But before you do, two things

1) You need to finish your investigation and drop the hammer on this piece of shit and his boss. Shut down the corrupt enterprise and let the other BS know before they become devastated like you. The sooner they know the better. You said you would see it through. It would be one last piece of revenge and retribution. You need that now.

2) Status of divorce ? And I mean it. DO NOT REWARD YOUR WW in divorce by walking away from the assets you worked hard for. I would hammer down and go for the jugular. Force the sale of the house and win the case, then you have $$ to live, enjoy and leave your kids. Otherwise she's going to be spending the $$ on other men at your expense.

I do want to walk away. It's totally against my nature to ever quit anything before it's finished; but this crap is so bloody exhausting, time consuming and, so far, unrewarding.

1.) Do I want to drop the hammer on the POSOM and his boss? Absolutely. I amsure the hammer will drop soon, but the question is whether I should remain actively involved or leave it to the people who probably won't be arrested for seeing this to a just and proper conclusion.

2.) As for the divorce and the assets I just can't bring myself to care about the money, property or things. They don't matter to me. I realize that sounds stupid and shortsighted, but if I can keep my business and avoid paying long term alimony or other support, I really don't care about the other things. However, I am going to leave it up to my lawyer to deal with any settlement agreements. The only thing non-negotiable is that I don't want her stupid cats. Beyond that, my only other concern is for my son's ashes.

Yeah, stopping by his house wasn't a good idea, but you know it messed him up a little. The husband of the woman you are screwing on the side shows up knocking at your front door?

My first thought would be the guy probably has a gun, hell no I'm not here!

So isn't wasn't a complete bust. And he'll continue to be looking over his shoulder for a crazy husband for quite awhile, I'm sure.

Not talking to cops without a lawyer is the right move, props for that. But don't be doing that stuff again.

For the record, I chased my OM around the city one day. He spotted me and was driving through parking lots and jumping curbs and shit. I'm thinking he wasn't sure it was me, as I don't know that he knew what I drove, but I did continue just for the fun of it. I'm sure he screwed up his car quite a bit. So that was a little satisfaction.

Take a break, step back, put it all in a bigger perspective. you will soon be free, of her and this whole nightmare, and can find you way to a better life than you thought you had.

This is another of life's tests. You are up to the challenge, it will get better and you will come out better and stronger and wiser in the end.

I do want to walk away. It's totally against my nature to ever quit anything before it's finished; but this crap is so bloody exhausting, time consuming and, so far, unrewarding.

Don't.

It's better for you to push this through and get a settlement that works for you than to throw in the towel and have regrets for the rest of your life.

It will be rewarding when you have a settlement you can live with vs. having regrets and doing the woulda-shoulda-coulda mental gymnastics.

Trust me--you're better off standing up for what you should get out of this vs. throwing in the towel.

This is where leaning on your attorney and having them do the work really helps.

Cat

I almost wish he would file a criminal complaint

No you don't. Have you lawyer call him. As I said this isn't likely much of anything.

Have your divorce your lawyer handle the divorce. You hire lawyers to defend your interest. Let him do his job.

Spend as little time thinking all of this as you can. Think about this: the OM and his W are not really the caliber of people you want in your life. Why waste time on them?

Of course he was there and hiding and getting some woman to lie for him, because he's a chicken shit.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Let your lawyer handle things, and move on with your (much happier) life.

Just have to chime and to agree and support. Just by showing up you have given him the shivers. Priceless.

Let your attorney deal with this as it's nothing.

Just remember that everything in front of you is good. You have a blank canvas in front of you and you can paint it as you please.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 4:16 PM, October 25th (Wednesday)]

Just remember that everything in front of you is good. You have a blank canvas in front of you and you can paint it as you please.

I know it can be good, though some days I don't believe it. I just never thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone.

36,

If we could all parachute in like 'Band of Brothers', then maybe lots of different things could be done simultaneously. However, the reality of it is that there is you, your lawyer, and a few friends (like that cop). That means that you really need to focus your energies on the highest priority items, and work your way down the other stuff in order of priority. If at some point, you just want to drop it, that's fine. It's your life, and your choice.

Looking at your situation, it seems to me that priority number one is the divorce. You have your lawyer to take care of that, and although you want things over quickly, I think you should not pay a heavy price for that. You have worked hard for what you have, and I think most people here feel worried about you giving too much away. If you make a really bad deal just to make it all go away quickly, you may end up kicking yourself years later. So, maybe it would be best to set your lawyer on 'attack dog' mode, and you can then ratchet back and do whatever horse-trading seems appropriate. That seems to be standard operating policy in all legal cases anyway, in my experience.

Once the divorce is settled, you can - if you wish - collate all your evidence about that organisation, and talk to some PIs or investigative journalists and get their take on it, and how things could be taken forward. Given how fast they all are to call the police, it makes me think they're hiding something. However, you are not a cop, a PI, or an investigative journalist, which is why I think your idea to hand things over to a pro at some point is exactly what is needed.

What you cannot do is tackle both things at once. You already feel exhausted, and it is good that you acknowledge that. You should not push yourself excessively, particularly after your cardiac incident. So please ratchet back, 36. Talk to your lawyer, set the divorce wheels in motion, and do not entertain meetings with your wife held anywhere but in your lawyer's office.

No 'counselling', no well-meaning friends, no invites from single ladies whose timing is either miraculously spot-on, or possibly set up in collusion with your WW, maybe with the aim of letting the wine flow, and finding out what your plans are. Regardless of motive, all of those things are distractions from the big, main project of getting yourself out of infidelity. Focus on that with tunnel vision, and let all the do-gooders and well-meaning folk look after one another. Be polite, of course, but be firm. "You're very kind, but no thank you. I know what I have to do, and I am doing it. However, it would really be great if I could contact you if I need help. Would you be okay with that? I would really appreciate that." That way, they feel like they are helping, while at the same time they are not getting in your way.

Ultimately, 36, your goal is to free yourself from the situation you are in, and start a life that does not include any of the toxic people who have caused you problems. To be free, to feel the sun on your face, and to rediscover how to be happy again. That can only come from getting yourself out of infidelity, which is way I believe that should be your main priority and focus. If at some point you can pass your evidence to some professionals who can go after that rancid office, that's a bonus, but it's not essential to you getting your life to a better place. We all want that for you, and you know that you deserve it.

And spending the rest of your life alone? My friend, you are a good and decent man, and you will only be alone if you want to be. I know this is not the time to be thinking about future relationships, but there are plenty of women around who would see your good qualities and want to be with you. Sadly, 'Just Found Out' is full of heartbreaking threads from women who have been treated terribly, and who would read your story and think, "My God, why couldn't I have been with that guy instead of the rat POS who ruined my life?" Emotionally, you may not be ready yet, but seriously, 36, do not write it off long-term.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:04 AM, October 26th (Thursday)]

I just never thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone.

Alone? I see it as free agency. Free to negotiate a new contract with the player of your choice. No hurry, shop around a bit.

I know that you said that you don't value money, possessions or most material objects and are willing to give her the house.

If you have no interest in it I would let her buy you out or sell the house and split the proceeds. Why reward her behaviour with a nice piece of real estate?

When I divorced I was short sighted and emotional about it and we sold it and split the $. I should have bought her half out because now I would have a nice house in SoCal. But writing a check to her for $$$$$ after what she did, did not sit well with me. My loss.

If I had advice from an uninvolved 3rd party about the house I would have decided differently.

You'll only be alone if you want it that way.

There is a big shortage of non-creepy, faithful men in your (our) age bracket.

All you'll have to do is be yourself.

You need to have an attorney contact the police and see what the story is.

You said you have been involved with the police five times now. There have been three people allegedly call against you. They will see a pattern.

You need to back off. An OOP can kill your future business

I just never thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone.

I doubt very much you will be alone.

Now is the time to restore/cultivate healthy friendships with people who are truly interested in your well-being. It's also time to invest in a healthy pursuit, be it a hobby or something different.

For me, I turned to singing. I had sung in high school and for a little while before moving to New England. I was encouraged by a friend to audition for a professional chorus. I was accepted and am singing with them for 15 years now. It's a wonderful outlet, it's healthy and I've made some terrific friends. I now serve on the organization's board.

I would have never done this had I stayed married to my now-ex. He liked control, and having a wife who outshone him at ANYTHING was just not to his liking in the least.

Once you find something of this nature, you'll realize how very repressed you have been in your marriage. Being married to someone with a personality disorder is exhausting. Once you stop spinning around them, you will realize how much time and effort it actually took to BE married to them.

And eventually, when you are recovered and healthy, there will be a kind and loving woman out there for you. I don't think you'll be alone long--you're a catch.

Cat

36,

Mourning the past is ok but the real answer here is that you have two choices. One you can fall down the rabbit hole of self-pity. Two, you can kick life’s ass and shape the world around you rather than letting the world shape around you.

You’re doing GREAT.

Do I want to drop the hammer on the POSOM and his boss? Absolutely. I amsure the hammer will drop soon, but the question is whether I should remain actively involved or leave it to the people who probably won't be arrested for seeing this to a just and proper conclusion.

I would let an investigative reporter take the baton from you and continue the investigation. You got enough details and leads already to provide.

I agree with Mickeybill, Rambler and JDuff.

Don't reward her for her bad behavior. Tell your attorney to get as much as he can and make her sweat. You will regret not protecting yourself financially when you know she's living high on the hog and you are struggling at some point. And at that time, you will not have the ability to do anything about it. It would have all been because your head was in the sand due to depression when you should instead be thinking with your mind and getting constructively angry.

Therein lies the whole problem, you are sad because you are thinking with your heart, and walking away as someone who is defeated because you aren't thinking with your mind. You need to change this.

Finally, Jduff brings up a great idea. Take everything you discovered and hand it off to someone who will do something about it. You can't walk away and let this company or this POSOM ruin more lives. And they will. Don't be the guy who leaves the Island with the monster still alive knowing it will prey on other people.

You did the right thing by walking away from your broken, immoral and corrupted wife. However, as Jduff pointed out, find a good investigative journalist, drop whatever info you found and anonymously give it to the state oversight board of that industry. Don't leave other people exposed because you are 'burned out'.You will regret that because deep down inside, you would want to know if you were one of the current victims of either the fraud or affairs. Think about the husband of the woman who answered the door that night.

Now I agree with Rambler. Have your attorney call the police and head this thing off. Find out what the deal is. Find a way to file a complaint yourself.

Finally, I agree with those who say you need to back off but that doesn't mean to let a sleeping dog lie. I like the idea of an investigative journalist or a complaint to the state

You are doing well 36, I may have been hard on you on this thread but the way you act now and for the coming weeks will determine how you look at yourself and how positive an impact you will have on your life and other people's lives.