Hi 36,
I hope that posting your history was cathartic. I find that writing a description of things that trouble me can really help me get a better perspective on them.
Your story is fascinating, and you would be a great guy to know in ‘real life’, though in a way we do know each, just as correspondents in this forum. You must have a wealth of anecdotes from all of your travels and adventures. Have you ever considered going back into broadcasting? From what you have written here, and with your knowledge and experience of the world, I think you would make a fantastic talk radio host, particularly if your voice is so appealing that you had lots of work doing voiceovers. You are clearly a man of many talents, 36, and I think every single one of us here would be happy and proud to count you amongst our friends. If you ever decide to expand your story into a full-blown autobiography, it would be an excellent book. You have known highs and lows, and if there is one part of your story that I feel glad about, it is that this forum could be here for you when you hit your most recent low.
“I pressed the roommate and she finally told me that my fiancée was out with an ex-boyfriend. I was shocked. I saw her the next day and she initially said it was nothing. I could see in her eyes she was lying. I told her I was fairly sure “something happened.” She eventually admitted that she had sex with this guy a few times, but it was ok, because we weren’t married yet.”
What you saw there was an example of your WW rationalising cheating in a situation – engagement and the run-up to marriage – where cheating was not in any way justifiable. Your comment on that justification…
“What a crock of crap.”
…Is exactly right. However, what was obvious in your WW’s cheating ‘process’ was that instead of viewing all cheating as ‘bad’, and something not to be done, she was comfortable with it, and sought reasons to justify it. Had this forum been around then, and had you posted about that incident, the feedback would have consisted of one word: “Run”.
“We…worked together as a team when our number three son’s wife became a serial cheater. Helped him through his divorce. Discussed how ugly, ungodly, unfair and despicable is adultery and adulterers. We would never cheat. Never…Fast forward to 2017 and BOOM. She cheats with a male coworker.”
Plenty of people say one thing, then do the opposite. It is the way of the world. It is why so many posters here advise betrayed spouses to, “Listen to their actions, not their words”
“I don’t know how to be anything but a man married to the woman he thought was chosen for him. A stupid thought I know. But I don’t know how to set aside nearly four decades as a married man and transition to being a BS and single. Getting divorced has never been a phrase that entered my mind. How does this crap happen?”
The ‘how’ of it is that you take it day by day, and with every passing day the way forward will become a little clearer to you. It takes time, but people make it work, and often have very good lives after divorce. Take a look in the ‘New Beginnings’ forum to see some of their stories.
How the hell does an affair happen? Was I fooled for all those years? Have I been an absolute idiot for the past 38 years? Does a spouse wake up one morning and say, “I can do better than what I currently have in my marriage”?
An affair happens when a person gives themselves permission to cheat, by rationalising it or justifying it. Forget any of the reasons that may be given, they distract from the process that enables affairs, which is that people decide that they are comfortable enough with cheating that they decide to do it. Some may say they always felt guilty, or bad, but their desire to cheat was, quite obviously, greater than their misgivings, or the cheating would not have occurred. Do not look for any depth or profundity in the reasons for infidelity, because they are shallow, opportunistic, and lazy. Without expanding at length, I say ‘shallow’ because self-satisfaction is not a deep or profound thing, any more than greed or theft are. I say opportunistic, because many people seem to cheat when an opportunity comes along and they think they will not get caught, so they jump on it (literally). I say ‘lazy’, because if unfulfilled needs or neglect are cited as reasons to cheat, it means that the cheat has chosen an affair over doing any work to their relationship, and maybe even to themselves.
“I don’t understand any of this. I never got into pornography. I didn’t abuse alcohol or drugs. I never raised a hand in anger toward anyone in my family. I listened to my wife. If she needed me to change something, even if it was related to my career, I made the change. I provided for her. Anything she needed I gave it. Anything she wanted I did my best to deliver. I comforted her when she was sad. I rejoiced with her when she was happy.”
36, your wife did not cheat because you failed some kind of test. She cheated because she wanted to, and she thought she could get away with it, just as she did when you two were engaged. It had nothing to do with your qualities, and everything to do with hers. Her cheating was not done in revenge for some perceived failure on your part, it occurred because of a failure on her part.
“Why wasn’t I good enough? What the hell is so wrong with me that she needs to go out and find a total loser and screw his brains out for weeks? What made a criminal, a womanizer, an abuser, a con artist and an absolute asshole so much more appealing than me?”
There is nothing wrong with you! You need to re-word your questions to be:
What the hell is so wrong with her that she needs to go out and find a total loser and screw his brains out for weeks? What made a criminal, a womanizer, an abuser, a con artist and an absolute asshole appealing to her?”
Only she can answer that, but she never will.
“I am sorry for all this crap spilling out of me, but I need to understand what made me, a good and loving husband, no longer her first choice? Can someone explain that to me? I don’t understand it and I really need to get some clarification in my mind.”
36, I know that your WW once said that the POSOM was a ‘better’ man than you, but that just illustrates how messed up her values are. In reality, it seems like the majority of those who cheat do not rank or grade their significant other/spouse against their AP, they instead decide that they can have both in their lives simultaneously. There is that old saying about fidelity, “Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?” Well, most cheats want to have both steak and hamburger in their diet, without comparing one against the other. To compare one against the other implies that they can only have one option, when the whole premise of cheating is to have two or more options simultaneously.
It was not that the POSOM became her first choice; she wanted to have good old dependable 36 at home, paying the bills, sorting out problems, rubbing her feet….And she also decided she was entitled to have the POSOM too, not instead of you, but as well as you. And that was the situation she engineered, and which worked until you caught her. And it is the reason why she does not want to lose you, because she knows you are so much ‘better’ as a person, and so much more useful to her, than the POSOM ever will be. What she is p*ssed off about is that if the POSOM moves on (as he inevitably will), and you divorce her, she will go from being queen of the castle with two men in her life to having none. For a greedy person who feels entitled to have multiple partners in her life at any one time, regardless of the morality or ethics involved, it is unthinkable that she should come out a loser. That is why she bombards you with communications; she knows the POSOM doesn’t give a damn about her, and will go, but you serve way too many purposes for her, and are far too useful, for her to let you go without a fight. She sees herself as a winner, not a loser, and your departure would make her a loser, which is why she is so angry with you about it.
“What made her do this? What goes through a cheater’s mind? Are they thrill seekers? Are they really willing to risk everything for an affair with a piece of shit AP? What value is found in the cheating?”
To summarise what could be a very long discussion: greed, lust, entitlement, opportunity, lack of moral scruples, lack of honesty, the false sense of security that comes from the delusion that they are clever enough to not get caught, selfishness, a desire for forbidden ‘fun’…The same elements appear over and over again. As I said earlier, the biggest mistake is to look for something deep or profound in that very shallow pool.
“What did I do wrong?”
Nothing. You were a great guy when she cheated in the run-up to the wedding, and you are an even greater guy now. The ‘wrong’ is in her. That could be explored at great length, but it really does not need to be, because the answer to your question is that no betrayed spouse is cheated on for doing anything wrong. Your wife just came to take you for granted, because you are such a stand-up, reliable guy, and she thought she was smart enough to have multiple partners at the same time.
Those are my thoughts, in relation to your situation, 36. I realise that several aspects could be expanded on, but that would distract from what I see as the core truths that underlie a lot of infidelity.
And I hope that the day turns out to be as great as you hope it will be.
