SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My question to you is your wife cheated on you before you were married and she cheated on you now.... So I have to ask how do you know she has not been cheating the whole time?

SpaceGhost0007

I think SpaceGhost is on to something. Her reaction to the divorce is one of entitlement, disbelief and finally indignation. From her point of view you made each other happy in your respective roles and you changed the rules on her.

She remains a good Christian lady because the sex act doesn’t matter. She never dreamed of leaving you and planned to grow old with you.

redsox13

But after all these years it is the feeling of being judged that in a few bad moments cuts me to the core. The sense that the person who knew me best felt I did not measure up. That I was inadequate. Not smart enough.

That I was not worthy.

And by any reasonable measure she is right. Her betrayal of me is the foundation of her happiness.

I would later learn that it wasn't about me, but about her. She was in pain, and always had been in pain for complicated reasons outside the scope of this note.

36 I don't think all those years were a lie. You said she stayed with you when you were ill - that wasn't by accident. But I suspect when you lost your child she changed. Perhaps she wondered what is the point of faith when it doesn't protect you from something as terrible as the loss of your child.

What I do think is that you suffer from what I suffer from: the knowledge that the word is not fair. That liars and cheaters prosper.

I am so sorry you went through all that. Life is definitely not fair. I don't know that she changed after our son died. We both lost the same son. We both wept together. We both committed to each other; but honestly we are obviously not the same person.

I do know that a high percentage of marriages fail after the death of a child. We discussed that hours after she discovered his body. We had to talk about something other than his death and funeral plans so we chose to discuss how we were going to handle his death as a couple.

Of course I can't really know what went on within her psyche following that tragedy. Except for the deep grief she seemed to remain the woman I married or so I thought.

Western

Three questions

1) Have you changed your mind in reference to walking away from the assets you are willing to give up

I have not changed my mind as of yet.

2) Has she tried to continually contact you and what is she saying ? More curiosity than strategy. I am wondering after your long dialogue today, if your wife is feeling pain for what she did.

Yes, she tries contacting me quite frequently. Usually it's please don't divorce me. Sometimes it's how could you do this to us you asshole...then I'm called a narccicist for only thinking about myself.

3) Exposure. Can you pass this off to other people since you are burned out ? Other vixtims await

Yes, I can.

notanotherchance

Being a devout Christian is no guarantee that you will not cheat. Integrity, morals, respect, trust & love are the cornerstones for a successful relationship and many people who are not Christian possess these qualities and have very successful marriages.

I have no doubt that people of other faiths or no faith at all can possess many positive qualities. But I'm also of the opinion that

devout Christians

do not cheat. The word devout suggests commitment and devotion. People who are devoted or committed to a belief system logically remain within that belief system. If they don't then they aren't devout.

I don't accept the notion that someone who has a self-identified label actually believes what that label represents. There are many so-called representatives of the Christian faith (televangelists, etc.) who absolutely are not devout. Many of them are liars and thieves. They don't represent Christ and they certainly don't represent me or my beliefs.

Booyah

Your wife is still a Christian even though she has sinned.

Her faith is between her and her God. I don't know what's in her heart.

TimelessLoss

Hugely insightful post from redsox13 about the human condition and viewing it from a place of despair or a place of hope.

But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

IMO, this is the difference between a believer ("I Agree to the TOS") and a follower of the teachings. Words versus actions. A secular equivalent might be to think of the concepts of "integrity" and "character". I use the term "concepts" because many people view them as intangible characteristics. You can't look at a person and discern their integrity. Many (most?) people would say that they possess character and integrity. It is only their actions when their integrity is tested that proves the point.

I agree. redsox13 was spot on. I firmly believe that one's actions often belie one's words. Integrity should be consistent between what one says and what one does...Do we all slip and fall at times? Sure. But isn't that where regret, remorse, repentance and humility should come in?

By the way, I also almost become a pro bowler, but found myself in IT instead.

Doppleganger?

Wool94

Matthew 7:22-23New Living Translation (NLT)

22 On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ 23 But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

Good passages. To me Christianity is not a statement of beliefs. It is evidence of a changed, fruit producing life.

M1965

I hope that posting your history was cathartic. I find that writing a description of things that trouble me can really help me get a better perspective on them.

Your story is fascinating, and you would be a great guy to know in ‘real life’, though in a way we do know each, just as correspondents in this forum. You must have a wealth of anecdotes from all of your travels and adventures. Have you ever considered going back into broadcasting? From what you have written here, and with your knowledge and experience of the world, I think you would make a fantastic talk radio host, particularly if your voice is so appealing that you had lots of work doing voiceovers. You are clearly a man of many talents, 36, and I think every single one of us here would be happy and proud to count you amongst our friends. If you ever decide to expand your story into a full-blown autobiography, it would be an excellent book. You have known highs and lows, and if there is one part of your story that I feel glad about, it is that this forum could be here for you when you hit your most recent low.

I have thought about going back into talk radio. I have made a few appearances over the past few years. The most recent was back in May. But talk talk radio has changed. The formats have moved more toward national shows because it cuts down on local production costs and the station generally doesn't have to pay the host/broadcast company directly, they, instead, exchange commercial time for the show. This cuts down on the available slots for a host.

Those stations that do offer more local programming are usually part of a larger syndicate. The local hosts often don't get transferred to other stations within the organization. This is great if you are part of the broadcast company, but if not, the chances of getting a slot are tough.

I initially got into talk radio in a small town. Being in a small market limits the issues a host can talk about. I enjoyed doing the show, but was extremely frustrated with the constraints.

Nowadays, with podcasts, vlogs and other mediums, anybody can do a show and there are some very good ones out there. But that tends to thin the audience even further.

I think my talk show days are probably over. But, I have considered doing commercial voice work again.

However, what was obvious in your WW’s cheating ‘process’ was that instead of viewing all cheating as ‘bad’, and something not to be done, she was comfortable with it, and sought reasons to justify it. Had this forum been around then, and had you posted about that incident, the feedback would have consisted of one word: “Run”.

Hindsight is always 20/20. If only I could go back in time...

Michigan

My question to you is your wife cheated on you before you were married and she cheated on you now.... So I have to ask how do you know she has not been cheating the whole time?

SpaceGhost0007

I think SpaceGhost is on to something. Her reaction to the divorce is one of entitlement, disbelief and finally indignation. From her point of view you made each other happy in your respective roles and you changed the rules on her.

She remains a good Christian lady because the sex act doesn’t matter. She never dreamed of leaving you and planned to grow old with you.

I have been asking myself if there have been others. She swears that there have not; but of course she is a liar so I can't believe anything she says.

If I made her happy why did she cheat?

As for growing old with me, I just don't know. She may have already succeeded in that because I feel like I have aged 30 years in the past few weeks.

Forgive me if you've answered this in anearlier part of this thread... its alot to read. Do you journal?

Forgive me if you've answered this in anearlier part of this thread... its alot to read. Do you journal?

I have started to write things down so I guess you could call it journaling. However, I have not done it on SI.

Not saying si journal, just in general. It was one of the things that helped me the most.

Journaling helped me as well. I just bought a notebook and carried it with me. I wrote in it every day.it helped me sort out my thoughts and I could see things more clearly when I read them back.

Not saying si journal, just in general. It was one of the things that helped me the most.

I am finding writing about my thoughts and feelings has been incredibly cathartic. I've also been able to notice how my thoughts and feelings tend to change from one day to the next.

How bout some podcasts on surviving infidelity? Featuring some of your favorite posters.... No The Victim gets his own serial.

How bout some podcasts on surviving infidelity? Featuring some of your favorite posters.... No The Victim gets his own serial.

I hadn't even considered that, but now that you mention it I think it has potential. Until my WW had her affair from hell, and I found SI, I had no idea the problem was so rampant.

The question is whether or not anyone would be listening. But based on SI it would probably be a hit.

I think your idea is worth exploring.

I could see interviewing BS and WS to get both the perspective on the damage A's cause and the reasoning behind having one. Hopefully a show like that could open some eyes and prevent some A's from happening. If nothing else it could be therapeutic. At least for me.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 3:09 PM, October 27th (Friday)]

How bout some podcasts on surviving infidelity? Featuring some of your favorite posters.... No The Victim gets his own serial.

I hadn't even considered that, but now that you mention it I think it has potential. Until my WW had her affair from hell, and I found SI, I had no idea the problem was so rampant.

The question is whether or not anyone would be listening. But based on SI it would probably be a hit.

I think your idea is worth exploring.

I could see interviewing BS and WS to get both the perspective on the damage A's cause and the reasoning behind having one. Hopefully a show like that could open some eyes and prevent some A's from happening. If nothing else it could be therapeutic. At least for me.

I think that sounds like a brilliant idea. There are lots of podcasts on the internet relating to infidelity, but where I think SI podcasts would have the edge on all the others is that this place has so many members, and so much stored wisdom and experience. Many of the other podcasts seem to be talks by a single expert, but interviews with people who have been there, reflecting on their experiences, what they did right and wrong, etc, could build into an amazing living archive that I do not think has any parallel anywhere. Kind of like what Studs Terkel did, interviewing 'ordinary' people rather than movie stars, and proving that there is not such thing as an 'ordinary' person. Everyone is extraordinary in their own way.

Here in the UK, BBC radio has been doing a long-running thing called "The Listening Project". It broadcasts conversations between people about significant issues that touched their relationships, and it is some of the most compelling stuff I have ever heard. And the real beauty of it is that it continues to build a growing archive about the human experience. They haven't covered infidelity yet, but it is a subject area where the experiences of individuals is crying out to be preserved, because it could help so many others.

I think that an archive of podcast experiences of the victims of infidelity could also help to balance out the skewed perspectives being promulgated by some self-appointed experts.

And given your media experience, 36, you would be a perfect host for such podcasts.

I've listened to some of the podcasts on infidelity, and I would encourage you to try it, because the ones that exist I didn't find helpful at all.

One of them seriously said, "So what the wayward spouse needs to do is stop that infidelity, and ideally they should stop talking to that person they were having an affair with".

Yeah. Real breakthrough stuff. Never heard that before. I mean, I guess if you just crawled out from under a rock this might be something you hadn't already surmised, but after I'd already read a dozen books on the topic, this wasn't exactly a new revelation, and was no help to me as a BS at all.

I think it sounds like a great idea. I would, of course, contact the staff of SI first.

Based on my experience here, I think a show dealing with infidelity in the same way as it is dealt with here would be compelling listening.

And of course everyone could remain anonymous.

I would definitely be into that!

I would be open to doing it if there was enough interest. We need to see if others would follow the show.

It is one of those things that people would not listen to until infidelity affected them and then it's a life line, to know that we are not alone...

Ya know 36,

Since you’ve served your wife with divorce papers, you might want to end this thread and post on the divorce forum.

You’re JFO has moved on.

Bunch of amazing people in that forum. Give it a go.

Oh, and the Off Topic forum would be great for your resurgence in talk radio:)

I haven't commented on your story before 36 but I have been following your story along the way. Which by the way I'm so glad to see positivity back to your writing. Anyway :) I'd totally hear that podcast especially if it's SI based. This has been the only place that knows what they are talking about and if followers are able to put input, anonymously of course, that would be great too. It'll be the SI podcast version. :) good instant feedback