I hope this tome is cathartic for me:
I met my soon-to-be-ex-wife in December of 1979. I was twenty, she was eighteen. I had come out of a bad relationship two years earlier and was so shell shocked I had pretty much sworn off women and relationships for quite a long time.
I was studying for a computer science degree. In my spare time I exercised like a fanatic and I bowled. Man, did I bowl. For a brief period of time I had decided that if my education didn’t work out I would become a professional bowler. I was good, but never quite good enough to proceed beyond being an amateur.
I had been in a fairly dark place after my teenage breakup, but shortly after I turned 19 I discovered my faith. It really changed my life. I went from a wild child to a much better life. Meanwhile, back to the bowling…
I was bowling in several leagues each week and met this young woman who worked at the bowling alley. She had just graduated from high school a few months previous. She was very nice and it became obvious that she was attracted to me. We were both Christians, shared many things in common except that I was not attracted to her at all. I just wasn’t interested in getting involved in anything more than a nice discussion over a cup of coffee or a coke.
In my new found faith I had prayed and basically told God that I was not going to look for a mate. That if I was ever going to have a future with a woman He was going to have to bring her to me and make it evident that she was the one.
One night while I was bowling the girl who liked me showed up and said she had brought a girlfriend of hers with her. This friend was also a Christian and she thought the three of us could go out to a diner for coffee after I finished bowling. I said sure. She said, ok, I’ll be standing over there next to her. She pointed on the other side of the check-in counter and there was the most stunningly beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had long blonde hair, a gorgeous smile and the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I heard a little voice inside me say, “Your prayer has been answered. She’s the one.”
Being a typical male I decided I had to do something big to impress her. So I bowled like a madman and had the best three game series of my life. Yup, typical male strutting.
Now, I realized that the voice in my head may have come from me. After all, she was absolutely stunning. So I decided to remain aloof. I was introduced to the beautiful girl and soon discovered she had amazing qualities. She was everything I wanted in a woman.
The three of us went out to eat and had an amazing time. The bowling alley girl eventually grew tired of the situation and suggested that her friend catch a ride home, apparently so the two of us could be alone. That’s when I piped up and said, “I’ll take her home.”
The ride to her house, about 15 miles away was magical. But still, I questioned the voice in my head and thought this probably isn’t real; this is a brief infatuation and nothing further will come of it. But on the ride to her house she reached over and touched my hand and said, “I believe we are going to know each other for a very long time.”
My response? I shrugged and said, “That’s nice.” I was afraid of getting involved so I clammed up and became a man of very few words. I dropped her off, we exchanged phone numbers and she gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I headed home. Ten minutes after I got to my place the phone rang. It was about 10:30 at night. We talked until four in the morning. This went on for weeks. She was beautiful, charming, well-spoken, interesting, and friendly and made it quite clear that she liked me. She told me one night that she believed we were going to get married. Wow.
We started dating in earnest. Several months later I asked her to marry me. She said yes and we (she) began to plan our wedding. A few months after the proposal I stopped by her apartment and she was not there. Her roommate said she was out. This was a surprise to me as we were supposed to go out together that evening. I pressed the roommate and she finally told me that my fiancée was out with an ex-boyfriend. I was shocked.
I saw her the next day and she initially said it was nothing. I could see in her eyes she was lying. I told her I was fairly sure “something happened.” She eventually admitted that she had sex with this guy a few times, but it was ok, because we weren’t married yet. What a crock of crap.
I should’ve ended the engagement right there, but she eventually apologized and swore it would never happen again. I relented on cancelling the marriage and in December of 1981 we got married.
We honeymooned for two weeks in Hawaii. Life was good.
Ten months later our first son was born. I got to deliver him and I was ecstatic. So was she. There is something absolutely amazing about being part of the conception and birth of your child. I was happy, excited and scared as I held my son. I wept. Thirteen months later we had another son. Three years after that a third one and another two years later a fourth. For boys. I was a proud father, a proud husband and a man looking forward to the future.
As I finished my education, one of the things that frustrated me was that technology was growing so fast that everything I had learned was almost instantly obsolete. I had worked on main frames and programmed systems using the old IB card method. What a pain in the ass. Then PCs came along and the world never looked back. Back in the early days, a majority of the I.T. jobs were with governmental agencies. I really didn’t want to work for the government so I thought I would continue my education as time allowed but switch careers.
I began getting involved with voice work in radio and some television. I made lots of commercials, and fairly good money, but I wanted to do something more interesting. I made a near complete break I.T. and started doing talk radio in a smaller community. This brought me lot of opportunities and we soon moved from the small town to a major metropolitan area in a top 25 market and from there we moved to an even bigger city with even greater opportunities. I started making big money and enjoyed the benefits of the celebrity life for a while. I got to travel the world. I did broadcasts from Russia, Finland, Germany, and Romania and basically all the places I had dreamed of visiting. My travel schedule began taking a toll on our marriage. I was gone for long stretches of time and my wife was a SAHM with four little boys to take care of on a daily basis.
I had spent a few weeks in Romania and the Ukraine and when I got home my wife and I had a conversation about responsibilities and the need for me to spend more time with her and the boys. I agreed and cancelled future travel. Eventually I decided to leave talk radio and go back to I.T. I began to do consulting work.
The consulting work was going pretty well. I was making about half of what I made in my previous profession, but we were happy. I was home much of the time, enjoying my kids, loving my wife and living a good life. But then something started to happen.
One of the things that had made me successful in talk radio was an excellent memory. I could recite names, dates, facts and figures with remarkable accuracy. I had a near photographic memory, but suddenly I was beginning to forget things. It was even beyond forgetfulness. Whole periods of my life were disappearing from my mind.
I knew I was in real trouble on the day I was driving over to see a friend of mine. I had been two his house a hundred times. But this time something was severely wrong. I stopped at a traffic light and couldn’t remember how to get to his house. I was stuck. I called my friend, read him the street signs at the intersection and he gave me instructions turn by turn to his home a quarter mile away.
The next day I couldn’t remember my wife’s name or any of my children. It was horrible and frightening. My wife took me to the emergency room and I was diagnosed with an illness that was wreaking havoc on my brain. We went through three years of absolute hell for me. I’m sure it was very difficult for my wife as well. Thankfully we had a large nest egg and we used it to get through the times when I could not work. My wife told me later that I was so bad off I would it in my room watching a television that did not exist and then comment on all the imaginary shows I was seeing. Horrible.
I slowly began to get better, but had an absolute fear of going anywhere in public. I would be out with my wife and fans of my former talk show would recognize my voice and come up and say hello and begin talking to me. They would mention shows I had done or public appearances I made and ask my thoughts on certain things. But I could remember none of it and it scared me to death. Life for me was a living hell. But we got through it.
After I recovered I contracted with the most well-known software company in the world and slowly made my way back. We were doing well again, but I was still missing a big chunk from my life. However, my wife and I grew closer and things were progressing well for our family. I loved her more than ever.
We decided we needed a change so we moved to another state in 2003. We were now living closer to the area where we both grew up. We had extended family and friends. I started doing more IT consulting and set up many of my clients so I could manage all their systems remotely. That cut down on my travel. My wife and I were closer than ever before.
In 2005 one of my children was arrested for a DUI. He had “borrowed” my car in the middle of the night, shortly after his 21st birthday and decided to go buy some booze to celebrate. He celebrated so much that he totaled my car. I got a call from my son at 6:00 on the morning, shortly after I realized my car was missing. He said, “Dad, um, I sort of got arrested a few hours ago for drunk driving. They towed your car away.”
I have to admit I was pissed. Of course they towed my new car away. He got drunk and decided it was a good idea to drive across the desert. He destroyed the entire under carriage. But thankfully he was unhurt.
Anyway, we dealt with that as a family. My son was a very gifted young man. Highly intelligent, an extremely gifted musician, but he began to drink more after his arrest. He went through several bouts of depression and self-harm until his death in 2013. I don’t know how we recovered from that.
Realizing that after losing a child many marriages end in divorce, my wife and I poured ourselves into our marriage. We clung to each other. We loved each other. We focused on intimacy. We moved from the location where our son had died. I devoted myself to her and to help us both get through the grieving process.
We found a new church, got actively involved, led and taught home groups. Worked together as a team when our number three son’s wife became a serial cheater. Helped him through his divorce. Discussed how ugly, ungodly, unfair and despicable is adultery and adulterers. We would never cheat. Never.
Fast forward to 2017 and BOOM. She cheats with a male coworker. A man that is so beneath who I thought my wife was to be unthinkable as an OM. But cheat she did.
So here I am. Getting a divorce. Cathartically writing out a brief history. Leaving out many wonderful details and a few sad moments. How in the hell did I get here?
I don’t know how to be anything but a man married to the woman he thought was chosen for him. A stupid thought I know. But I don’t know how to set aside nearly four decades as a married man and transition to being a BS and single. Getting divorced has never been a phrase that entered my mind. How does this crap happen?
We had a life of mostly good memories. We were a team. We loved each other and were devoted to one another. How the hell does and affair happen? Was I fooled for all those years? Have I been an absolute idiot for the past 38 years? Does a spouse wake up one morning and say, “I can do better than what I currently have in my marriage”?
I don’t understand any of this. I never got into pornography. I didn’t abuse alcohol or drugs. I never raised a hand in anger toward anyone in my family. I listened to my wife. If she needed me to change something, even if it was related to my career, I made the change. I provided for her. Anything she needed I gave it. Anything she wanted I did my best to deliver. I comforted her when she was sad. I rejoiced with her when she was happy. She also did many positive things for me. She was a great wife, until now.
Why wasn’t I good enough? What the hell is so wrong with me that she needs to go out and find a total loser and screw his brains out for weeks? What made a criminal, a womanizer, an abuser, a con artist and an absolute asshole so much more appealing than me?
I am sorry for all this crap spilling out of me, but I need to understand what made me, a good and loving husband, no longer her first choice? Can someone explain that to me? I don’t understand it and I really need to get some clarification in my mind.
What made her do this? What goes through a cheater’s mind? Are they thrill seekers? Are they really willing to risk everything for an affair with a piece of shit AP? What value is found in the cheating?
As you can see I am still in shock and disbelief over this whole crappy situation. I thought writing it down and seeking for some answers hidden in the past might reveal a motive or a personal failing of mine. But I’m still not seeing the light through all the shit.
Can someone please help me navigate through this nightmare of thoughts? What did I do wrong? I feel as bad and depressed as when I got sick so many years ago.
[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:28 AM, October 26th (Thursday)]
