SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nothing says that you have to do anything but listen to what they say.

It is very possible that they have been victims of much mis-information (and I suspect your WS is the fount of that mis-information). Unless they have experienced and recovered from infidelity themselves, they have no perspective on how difficult this is, how much work it is, and how much the WS has to really reach within themselves to heal themselves, the marriage, and their BS.

I personally think this is a very bad idea. Unless you can go and commit to nothing with these people, I would call the member of the couple with whom you are closest and let them know you have reconsidered.

This sounds like another WW ambush to me.

Cat

Easy fix. Call or text and tell them being around her is not good for your health, so you'll have to skip it.

OR, you could go and get straight to the point... How would she feel if the first thing out of your mouth was, "This guy has been sleeping with everyone in her office and she refuses to get tested for STDs. She could have herpes, AIDS, anything!" And then jumped to the false DV charge, bringing your son into the matter and the insurance policy... You'd probably have her bolting for the door!

Funny to think about, maybe, but not to do. Just cancel and ask them to respect your feelings. They're trying to help. They probably just don't know how bad things have been for you. (((36)))

The last thing you need right now are well meaning but nevertheless officious intermeddlers. Please do not feel obligated. Beg off with a cold. Anything. But do not go. You give your wife crickets and then sit down to eat? Just no.

She was invited over to a coworker’s house to celebrate the coworker’s birthday on July 20, 2017. Apparently they had been flirting for a while and head sex in his home multiple times that evening; the next day they had sex on his desk during the workday. The following day was a repeat. And just like that they proceeded to have sex approximately 20 times, in a variety of positions and places; all without the benefit of condom use.

....

she would get phone calls in the middle of the night on her work phone and tell me she needed to run to the hospital and pick up an 85-year-old female patient that was being released and take her home. She would then go to the guy’s house and have sex. On other nights she would go to bed with me then sneak out a couple of hours to run to the guy’s house to have sex.

36,

That was from your very first post. Call the husband back and tell him those things.

Then ask if that was his wife you were describing if counseling from friends would help him get past that.

Take care friend.

Just checking to see how you're doing today? I think Catwoman was dead on with the scenario described.

Just checking to see how you're doing today? I think Catwoman was dead on with the scenario described.

I'm not doing well today.

I'm not doing well today.

How can we help?

What do you need encouragement/support with?

Cat

36yearsgone, yes you made a mistake a big mistake in this dinner meet up, so If I were you I would get back in touch with the married couple (your good friends) and say you have changed your mind, because it is obvious to you that your EXW has spoken to them and she know doubt given them her side of the story of why you two separated, and from that they have reached out to you in an effort to help, which you appreciate, but you also believe that your EXW was really the one behind this invite.

Then go on to explain she has tried this kind of trick before or in your opinion her dirty tactics by involving your son in having him come along to a meeting that was supposedly only to be you and her to have a private talk on your marital problems, which was very underhand and uncomfortable for you and you also believe your son also, and you are not prepared for her to use them in the same way, also you think it only fair that they give you the same opportunity as her, so you can also put your side of the story to them without your EXW being present, at least then they have both of the story to what has happened for better clarity, you are prepared to meet them to tell your side, but it has to be strictly understood that you will not tolerate your EXW being there under any circumstances or to even show up later, and if they respect and value your friendship with them they will agree to your terms if they think they should know both sides.

Regards BJE49

How can we help?

What do you need encouragement/support with?

Cat:

I'm just feeling really alone today and it makes me feel pitiful and pathetic. Pitiful and pathetic make me upset and angry.

I should not have to be here in this position.

Good friends of ours, a married couple, called me last night and invited me to dinner tonight. They said they wanted to counsel me and my wife.

36, I like to think I'm very pro-R, but I just don't see this as a good idea. This is the woman that called the cops on you and made bogus DV complaint to get you thrown in jail.

What kind of person does that? That's a disturbed individual that is toxic to you.

She is the main cause of your current misery. Let the divorce happen. You have absolutely nothing to gain from the dinner. Explain whatever you need to, to your friends, but no thanks.

If for some unfathomable reason you have any desire to reconsider dating your wife, do so after a clean break when you have no financial or moral obligation. There is absolutely no reason that should get to go to the front of line either.

Should you ever consider re-connecting with your wife, please let us know so we can collectively beat you about the head and shoulders with 2x4's until you regain your common sense.

Sometimes the best thing is to simply walk away.

[This message edited by twisted at 9:58 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

I'm not doing well today.

No, I suspect not. You're in the "meat grinder" stage. God bless you.

You are getting great advice. I, too, suspect that the other couple is well-meaning...and probably terribly misinformed. Cat is (again) likely correct. An ambush is more likely than not.

If it was me, and it isn't, I would cancel immediately. You're likely to need real-life support. As great as SI is, there's nothing like sitting across from a real live person. Cancel. Agree to a substitute meeting with the husband only. Think of a place you can tell him where it would be just you two, and get his agreement that there will be no surprise show-ups by either his wife or yours.

Then, tell him EVERYTHING. As another poster suggested, if it helps, make notes from your first post (but don't dare tell him about SI, or you could jeopardize your safe space). My goodness. Leaving you in the middle of the night? IBogus domestic violence?! nvolving your son? Showing zero R traits? The insurance stuff?

I guarantee he knows nothing other than that:

1- you've always been inattentive

2- you're paranoid

3- you drove your WW to this

etc

etc

Your WW has surely been in the friend's wife's ear...probably to the point of having their empathy.

If you like and respect the man, tell him everything. You could probably use the real-life shoulder. Best to you brother.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 9:58 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

36,

You may be suffering, but honestly, you are neither weak nor pathetic. You have been remarkably strong and resilient in the face of sustained and prolonged attacks and mind games from your WW, of which this 'counselling' dinner is just the latest manifestation of her ongoing attempts to force a conclusion that she wants onto you.

As ever, 36, trust Catwoman.

Please 36, contact that couple and thank them for trying to be well-meaning, but tell them that your mind is made up, and that you are not going. As other posters have said, it is just another attempt by your wife to ambush you using other people, as she did with your son's 'surprise' appearance at the lunch she arranged with you. Who knows who else she will spring on you if you go to this dinner tonight? Your sons? The OM?

I repeat, out of concern for you, please do not go to this dinner. It's aim is obvious, and it is obviously instigated by your wife, for her benefit, not yours.

What is this couple going to say? That you should just rug-sweep and accept everything your wife has done? You say, in frustration, that you should not have to be where you are, in that position. That is completely true. But the reason you are there is because your wife forced you there, just as she is trying to force you to attend a dinner at which you will be told to not divorce her, which is exactly what she wants, and the total opposite of what is good for you.

She doesn't love you; she loves controlling you. There is a difference.

You have spent months trying to have meaningful discussions with your wife, and she has ignored everything you need, told you that you have to accept her right to cheat repeatedly, and refused to co-operate on transparency with her communications. So what great revelations or changes in her behaviour are going to be announced at this proposed dinner? You are going to be told to give her another chance, cancel the divorce, and surrender everything you believe in.

Is that couple really going to magically transform your wife into someone completely different from who she has been so far? Are they professional psychologists with a proven track record of miraculous transformations? If not, what on earth is the point of going to that dinner?

If I was there advising you, I would tell you to cancel the dinner, thank the couple, and ask them if they can encourage your wife to sign the divorce papers if they are still going to be having dinner with her. The sooner you get done with your wife, the sooner this whole nightmarish carousel ride will finish.

I know we have never met, 36. but honestly, I do really care about you, and I really think you should not go to this dinner.

Your wife is a self-centered, lying bully, and THAT is why you are where you are today. In light of that, why co-operate with anything she has instigated for her own benefit?

Sending strength and best wishes to you. I am so sorry you have been put through all of this by someone who was supposed to love you.

Catwoman is right about this.

There were times when I just got really, really mad at the whole situation. Because you shouldn't have to be dealing with any of it.

I am suspicious about this dinner and I would certainly not attend without speaking to the couple first and finding out by what the mean by "counseling".

[This message edited by redsox13 at 10:47 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

36

I’m sorry you are so down. Do u have friends or family that will completely support you that you can hang out with for a while?

I can’t remember if you are in IC but it may be helpful to find one if not. Or contact the one you are already working with if that is the case.

Finally, maybe call the couple who wants to help and tell them you will meet with them without your wife. Maybe they can help you one way or another. Maybe they really do want to help and their request was just poorly planned.

Perhaps meet them for coffee or lunch but tell them if the WW is anywhere to be seen you will leave immediately.

It would be interesting to know what she has told them. You can then tell them an honest account of what happened. As I said above read them that quote from your first post and see how they react.

If they are truly good friends of yours they wouldn’t want you to compromise your integrity in any way. You can feel out whether or not they really have your best interests at heart or not.

You may need to vet your friends going forward like this to know who can really support you. It’s unfortunate but just another awful fact about betrayal.

Strength to you.

36:

I too am a 36 years goner. I've been following your post and just not able to reach out until now. Its painful to me but I want to offer my perspective from someone that has the same length of time invested in a marriage.

I found myself in similar situations with well meaning friends. Being married so long has really jumbled up our relationships with life/marriage long friends. Our friends were "our" friends. Not "my" friends or "his" friends.

Some of our friends have tried to remain neutral, some have sided with one or the other. And others have simply vanished almost like they don't want to be contaminated by it all.

The ones that try to get us to "together" have been those who have heard one side of the story only - his. I declined any attempts by well meaning others. These friends thought they were being helpful but in reality, were being manipulated. Until and unless they have walked in my shoes, they won't get it, don't get, cant get it. And if they vanish, too then too bad so sad.

This dinner is an attempt to rally troops to her side, a side that is based on untruthfulness, deceit and self righteousness. Your friends need to know the other side of the story - the truthful side.

Politely decline the invitation, gently explain the truth. They will either remain neutral, side with one or the other or vanish. My hope is they remain neutral and supportive of both.

Peace be with you.

If possible, I think I would bow out. Just tell them that emotions are so raw right now that you just cannot bear this. Thank them, of course, but pass on it.

When I had finally had enough after dday #3 and left, I got talked into meeting for a dinner with our closest friends (he has a world wide reputation for his Christian books) to try and help. It was such a total disaster (XWW started a series of unbelievable lies and they didn't know who to believe) that it ended our friendship. And they are the nicest people one could ever hope to meet.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 11:36 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

I can certainly understand the hesitancy regarding going to the dinner but keep in mind it could be used as an opportunity.

Eventually you are going to need to face the STBXW to go over the particulars of how the D is going to work and start working towards a settlement. We all know that she is spinning her own side of it to anyone that will listen so this gives 36 a chance to put the spot light on her and her level of Bat sh*t crazy.

He gets a chance to go over the narrative of everything she has done including the A and the false DV accusation, her expectation that he is supposed to just get over it while she hasn't met any of the conditions that he needed to start the discussion of R, and that is why they are at where they are.

This will disarm her in that social circle because she will know that information is out there and will have to be more careful about the lies she tries to paint 36 with.

Hiding away from the world won't make the situation go away it will just prolong a new kind of limbo. Confronting allows 36 to take back one more measure of control and sends the message that he's not going to just lie down and be her whipping boy or go away quietly and let her keep her dignity fully intact while he he makes it easy for her to play the victim.

He will need to make sure that he takes control of the meeting and not let her hijack the agenda, if she does, than simply get up and say this isn't productive, and leave.

I agree with Stevensn. Ask the guy friend if the roles were reversed, would he go ?

This is your WW manipulating your friends. Not their fault. They think they are helping. They aren't. Just respectfully decline.

I have not made a decision yet on the dinner tonight. But I did get another phone call from another mutual friend. She's single and around my age.

The basic context is another dinner invitation. Since she knows I am all alone at the moment she would like to make me a hot meal at her place this week.

She's a very nice person, but this seems wholly inappropriate to me.

Is this kind of behavior normal?

36 in my opinion I would not go to this dinner with this couple. You're wife has shown time and time again that she's in her own bat shit crazy world and has lied repeatedly (to you and others).

Why put yourself in this situation with your wife when NOTHING good will come of it. If this couple wants to hear your side of things then they can talk to you on the phone to hear what you have to say (if this is something you want to do).

If you go it will just be like you're rubbernecking a horrific car accident (in this case your wife and everything she's done). Given your mind frame right now is this really something that would be in your best interest?

In reality it's just an opportunity for your wife to use others to potentially get you to "come to your senses and just forget this entire thing", or make this other couple feel good that they're just trying to help out.

NOTHING FROM THIS MEETING WILL BENEFIT YOU NOR WILL IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

Trust me if you go you'll regret it and when you're leaving this meeting you will be KICKING YOURSELF for giving in and going.