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36years

You will make it. Keep your faith and hope alive. You are at a critical turning point in your life. Not one you planned or wanted. It is testing your perseverance. However you will be ok. Hang in there. You are special.

Don't feel hopeles, feel thankful.

After all, this was the person who once wished your demise.

36, I promise the peace you will feel in the ‘other side’ will be sweet relief. Stay focused on yourself. We are with you.

[This message edited by OngoingProcess at 9:09 PM, October 20th (Friday)]

Hi 36, how are you this morning?

Did you sleep, have you eaten, have you stayed 'no contact ' ... These are vital steps in looking after you and beginning to realise that you and your own wellbeing are your number one priority now...

You know, from bitter experience, the stages of grief and this is sadly a very similar experience.

Please know you are not alone, many people here want to help and support you.

Thinking of you brother!

For me this was the hardest period. The misplaced guilt because part of me bought into the idea that "I" was ending it. FYI that is distorted thinking. Your STBXW made many many deliberate self-serving choices at the expense of you and your marriage. Right now the you are protecting yourself and taking the only reasonable action at this point, which is Divorce.

It will be ok! Just push through this, there is a brighter side after the storm I promise!

Edited to add: "If you find yourself in Hell, keep going." True words by Churchill.

[This message edited by antlered at 11:06 AM, October 21st (Saturday)]

I drove up to the Grand Canyon this morning. Back in Flagstaff and just checked into a hotel. Another very long day.

Do new stuff. Get out, take a walk, take a drive, talk to people you have never met before. Do not answer your phone; the world can take care of itself. Take care of you, and you alone. Rest. Close your eyes, and let sleep enfold you. When you wake up, why not give a new restaurant a try? Maybe try a dish you have never had before.

36, there's a whole host of people here who are behind you, and who want tomorrow to be better than today for you.

I really wish we could be with you, to go and have a beer with you, to go and have a meal with you, to just be your pal. You have way more pals than you think you have, that's for sure.

The long days do suck. What defines us is how we face this adversity rather than how we handle the easy. You’ve got this

Dude I can promise you that there are people here who would hike down and up that grand canyon with you sometime. We could make it an honorary outing for 35YG.

Well maybe you aren't into hiking

I hike.

Maybe an SI hike is in the offing !? Sadly I'm still on crutches so I'll live vicariously through you

How are you doing 36? Keeping busy to keep from over thinking I hope ... it's just so easy to slip into thinking yourself round in circles if you don't find something else to occupy yourself ...

[This message edited by earthangel at 9:59 AM, October 22nd (Sunday)]

I'm trying very hard to shut my thoughts off.

I know how hard that is, I couldn't read, follow a TV programme or movie, all I could do was keep busy. ..extreme cleaning was my distraction technique! When I ran out of things to clean I started painting my bedroom walls are 2am. .. maybe don't try that while you're in a hotel !!

[This message edited by earthangel at 12:25 PM, October 22nd (Sunday)]

Does it feel like it helps?

Google "Thought-stopping"

Or some therapy recommends not trying to fight the thoughts or feelings at all. Journaling, art, etc.

Sending strength brother

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 12:52 PM, October 22nd (Sunday)]

I'm trying very hard to shut my thoughts off.

I know--it's very hard not to keep thinking about the woulda-shoulda-coulda.

Perhaps binge-watching a series or a really enthralling book would help. I know I poured myself into work after my final D-Day.

My significant other attended a "Men in Transition" group after he left a 28-year marriage (no infidelity). He said it was really good and that he got a lot out of it. You might ask your PCP about something like that. They had a lot of good recommendations, like not pouring yourself into work, not turning to alcohol or drugs and waiting to date until a year had passed. All really good recommendations. When he met me, he still had the list of recommendations on his refrigerator.

Cat

now is the time you need to turn your thoughts on !!!!

No time to rest, get the F out of this and make your life better.

No choking now

What are your plans for the coming week?

Right now I have no plans for the next week.

Right now I have no plans for the next week.

Then it's time to make some.

I'm sure there are a slew of documents that your attorney is going to want. You'll need to attend to that. Do your own photocopying (spend an afternoon at Kinko's and make three sets of everything--one for your attorney, one for your attorney to give to opposing counsel and one for you). Then treat yourself to a coffee or lunch or dinner.

Plan a couple of fun things to look forward to. Perhaps a hike or exploring an event or a part of town you wouldn't normally attend. We went to an art show this weekend--it was fabulous fun browsing the galleries and "spending" money we don't have (there was some pricy stuff there, but even a cat can look at a king, right?).

When I was newly separated, I would make dates with myself. I would "plan" to attend an event, or just go check out an antiques store or a gallery. Or purchase a book I had wanted to read and "planned" spending the evening or weekend reading. The goal is to get yourself looking forward to stuff vs. a long empty stretch of time.

At some point (consult with your attorney) you will need to figure out a living situation. Are you looking to keep the marital home, or are you okay with it being sold? Can she afford to buy you out? Can you afford to buy her out? Lots of things to consider here, but I do think the sooner you get into a more stable living situation, the better you will feel.

Chin up--this too shall pass.

Cat

Good advice (as always!) from Cat... plan to do one activity or action every day for this week. Even if it's only a call to the solicitor or gathering the paperwork together. .. taking control will boost your spirits.