36,
I am not surprised that you feel that way. You have been under sustained stress for weeks. The most annoying thing is that none of us can actually be with you, because I think having one or more people with you would really help.
It may not feel like it, but you are making progress in this situation for the first time since D-Day, because you have filed, and you have removed yourself from your wife's control. She is no longer calling the shots. I realise that you probably do not feel like you are calling any shots, but you are, just by breaking away, and making the statement that you are not prepared to just 'get over it', as if you have no other choices open to you. And by doing that, you are being true to yourself, and your beliefs, despite all the pressure from your wife to abandon them and accept that infidelity has a legitimate place in your marriage.
What you are doing is making a stand, and saying 'no' to someone whose irrational behaviour borders on the deranged at times. How else can you communicate your unhappiness to someone who has refused to listen to you or take your feelings into account? You are doing the only thing that you can do, unless you surrender and just give up everything you believe in.
By staying NC, and filing, you are showing your wife that she is not in charge, and that you have a mind and life of your own. That she cannot steamroller over you. She has been trying to do that since D-Day, because there is no excuse or justification for what she did to you. You have tried repeatedly to do the things that are recommended to do in the aftermath of discovery, and your wife would not co-operate with any of them.
Even in MC, one of the few token efforts she made, she lied, lied, and lied again. She said she was NC, and then you discovered that secret email account. She changed her phone number, then gave it to the vile crew from her old office and resumed contact with them. So if you find yourself wondering why you are in a hotel room in Flagstaff with your phone being bombarded, it is because there is no negotiating with your wife, no reasoning with your wife, there is only unconditional surrender, or a tactical withdrawal. She has left you no choice but to be where you are today.
Hopeless? Well, I am truly sorry that you feel that way, but by doing what you have done, you have changed the unbalanced dynamic in the relationship, and drastically reduced your wife's delusions of power. That is a good thing, and an essential thing that needed to be done. You are now getting advice from a lawyer, and that is a good thing. In fact, you might give him a call and have a discussion about what is going on, and what he recommends you should do when you head back.
By doing what you are doing, you are making a statement about how unhappy you are with the position you have been forced into, and that is a good thing. Hopefully, your sons will finally get their heads out of the sand and rally round to support you, because it must be quite obvious that you need it.
I know how tough this is for you. It would be for anyone. However, you have now taken the initiative away from your wife, and shown her that her bullying behaviour is not breaking you, but driving you away. That the harder she tries to control you, the less control she has, because you simply remove yourself and go NC. That is a crucial lesson to teach her, whatever may happen in future. Her rage about the failure of her bullying is the motivation for the barrage of communications, but the way to tame it is not to engage with it, but to ignore it. Let her burn herself out. She screams at you, you respond with silence. How long is she going to keep screaming like an idiot? Your silence is showing her that her approach does not work.
As I say, you are actually making progress to defend your independence and your right to be treated properly, 36. It is a shame that you have had to do it, but it is better than simply rolling over and giving in to your wife's attempts to force you to rug-sweep. You know you could not live with that, and there is no reason why you should. Sometimes doing the right thing is much harder than doing the wrong thing, but is always worth it.
You are in our thoughts, 36, we are all sending you strength and good wishes.
