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The impending serving of the divorce papers is causing the same emotions in me. Am I doing the right thing? Is it too late to fix things in favor of staying in the marriage? Will serving her snowball into something worse?

You can certainly undo a divorce by remarrying. All along, I have advised you that filing and even divorce is always something that can be undone.

Right now, this marriage cannot be fixed. Your WW needs a great deal of counseling to get to the point where she could be a safe partner. What needs to happen on her end is not easy, and if she does have a personality disorder (as I suspect), it will be impossible for her to do the work needed to become a safe partner in a healthy marriage.

If she is disordered, you are definitely doing the right thing. Even if she is not, you are doing the right thing. It takes two committed people to heal a marriage from this trauma. She is not there now, and she may never be.

I agree that you need to talk to your children yourself, preferably this evening. Parental alienation, even with adult children, is something that the disordered will pursue with gusto. I am living that, and have lived it for the last 14 years.

I have learned that it truly doesn't matter how the disordered view the marriage; what matters is that I know in my heart and soul that I was a decent partner and that I would have gone to the ends of the earth to fix things if he had been willing to go there with me. Whether she eventually has regrets or not isn't important--what is important is that you can look back on your conduct and know that while you could have done better (as we all could) you were a fine husband, father and partner. You kept the covenant.

I suspect it is important to your peace of mind to be "sure" this is the right thing. And I get it. I think all of us have doubts about big decisions--am I paying too much for that car/is this the right house to buy/is it the right time to start a family or add to it. Looking back, did you have some trepidation about those things? But you moved forward because you put confidence in your decision-making ability. You knew you were not making these moves on a whim or frivolously.

And remember, this can be undone. I suspect that as you move along this journey and start to get a better understanding of personality disorders that you will see that the relationship rested mostly on your shoulders and once you stopped giving, things turned. And at that point, I suspect that you wont want to undo much of anything you have done by way of ending this marriage.

Try and get a decent night's rest after you talk to your sons.

We will all be here for you tomorrow.

Cat

Hang in there 36.

Praying for strength, wisdom and peace for you my friend.

Hi 36yearsgone

Hang in there. You are doing absolutely the right things. You might want to read the Just Found Out thread by ohforanewme. He had a very similar experience.

Soon you will be through the hardest part of this. Talking with your sons so they better understand you might be helpful.

You should be feeling the love because there is a heapin helping here on this thread - and all of it for you 36.

The only thing I want to add at this point is maybe it is better to contact your sons after she has been served. Whatever works - but it is so important you make the effort to tell them your version so they know your heart is breaking and what you have endured that has forced you to ask for a D .

If you can't speak with them directly, then send a text or email, they need to know your story too.

I have said my prayers for you today and hope it helps, we are all here for you.

Sending you strength and please STAY SAFE!!!

36,

Throughout this challenging journey, and everything you have been put through, you have carried yourself with a decency, dignity, compassion, goodness, and fairness that is beyond reproach. If some in your life have exploited or taken those qualities for granted, it does not in any way diminish the exemplary standards that you have adhered to. If more people had your ethics and standards, the world would be a much better place. If the support that has been offered in this forum has been helpful to you or at all beneficial, then we must also thank you for providing an example of how true character and resilience comes from staying true to one's own beliefs and values, regardless of what those around us may do.

On this difficult day, please be assured that many of us here are thinking of you, wishing you well, and sending you strength and support.

I gave him what I thought was sound advice at the time, but today I'm not so certain it was good advice.

It's not too late to apologize if you feel it's needed. He'll understand. Infidelity is much different for an observer than for someone trapped in the mess of it.

Honestly, if they know she's been cheating, they might not be as upset as you think. If they are, focus on the things she can't paint as jealousy or control. "Your mom tried to add her boyfriend to my life insurance policy." or "Your mom begged me to come over, and once I got there, she called the police and said I'd abused her."

Maybe it's because you're so close to the situation that you don't see it, but both of those things cross an important line. It's one you can't explain away with loneliness or self-esteem issues. And the second one of the kids brings them up, she will show her true colors to them, if she hasn't already.

At the very least, text them and let them know you're going away for a "mental health holiday" and will be available to talk in a few days.

And please do block your wife on everything. Have you talked to your lawyer about what to do if she starts calling your work? You might need to have a plan in place before that happens so it doesn't cause a problem for you. Maybe a formal request that she not get in contact? I know here, if you do that and the person calls anyway, the police will arrest them for harassment and you can get a restraining order.

36,

You are doing nothing that is in your own control. You have been living in infidelity and an abuse cycle for a long time. You are merely playing the hand that you were dealt. You literally have no choice.

Today is the day. I left town last night after spending 20 minutes parked outside the posom's house. I know, probably not wise.

I went to Flagstaff instead of Phoenix. It's nice here.

The day has started. Let the fireworks begin.

Hypothetical:

36:"Kids, your mother had an affair and I'm D'ing her."

W:"Kids, I've promised him to be the best wife ever. I've tried everything but he won't even talk to me."

1. She already spun a tale that got the betrayed son on her side. Yes, he came around a bit afterward. What did you say to him?

2. If she told one, it is likely she had already told all. Exposed her version.

3. She is an effective liar and manipulator.

4. Rather than takes sides, the kids will come down on the side of saving the M. (see above hypothetical conversations).

5. 36, I believe your honor and integrity make you want to avoid telling them the truth about their mother.

6. You will want to save them the pain of that truth.

7. You will want to avoid destroying her reputation in their eyes and their respect for her

8. You will end up on the defensive at an emotionally vulnerable time.

9. They will send an electronic/digital firestorm your way and you will not block them.

36, I agree that you should tell the kids. I recommend you spend a good while writing, rewriting the messaging you will give them. I not suggesting an email to them, although that would be acceptable if you want to go NC w/them for 3-4 days. You need to figure out in advance what you are going to say to them. Doesn't have to be a script, but at least bullets.

You expressed concern that serving her would snowball into something worse. The exposure/reveal to the kids could be that snowball.

36, Re-read #5 above. Don't set aside your honor and integrity to message the kids. Embrace it and use it. Your integrity and honor will not allow you to destroy your W in their eyes. Integrity and honor is all about truth. Tell them the truth. The truth w/o any motivation to destroy her. The truth coupled with your request of them that they respect their mother and not abandon her.

36,

While today will be immeasurably tough don't you find that helpless feeling missing a little now? You may feel conflicted, sad, angry, perplexed, horrified, tired, whatever....

but you are NOT feeling helpless today. Just know whatever happens from hereon out, that feeling you had when her boyfriend came to the house, that feeling when you realized she was going to have sex with him no matter what you said or did... that is ALL done. You will NEVER let another human abuse you like that again.

Sending you strength today and the next few days.

36,

Good idea to be elsewhere, and likewise your earlier suggestion of keeping your phone switched off for a couple of days. Just take some time for yourself, and do not respond to anything from your wife. Get out and about in Flagstaff. Breathe. Feel the sun on your face. Window shop. Sit in a coffee shop and just watch the world go by. Later, order a nice meal in a restaurant; choose a favourite dish of yours. Be good to yourself.

Thinking of you today, 36, and sending you strength.

Please, before you switch off your phone, send just one text to your children to tell them you are safe and just taking some time out for yourself ... I'm sure you wouldn't want them thinking anything bad has or is going to happen to you.

36,

Deep breaths. Take in the beauty around you. If you are of faith, ask God to help you through the day.

Even though it has to be so very hard, you are doing the right thing under your current circumstances.

You have a lot of people here rooting for you too.

(((hugs)))

Thinking of you today.

send just one text to your children to tell them you are safe and just taking some time out for yourself ... (earthangel)

Good idea! Stay strong, smile at every cute girl you see, do something new today.

36

Your sons are truly old enough to really know the circumstances. Even if you prefer to protect their Mom to some extent they need to know the truth. If not they will likely be very angry with you. They need to maintain respect and trust in you. Their mother is totally unreliable, untrustworthy and a lying cheating mess. They need you. Their reaction will likely be anger and disbelief you would do this. Give them time to feel and express that. You have much more information than they as well as more time to understand it than they. I think it may help to show them some proof of her behavior to help make it clear and believable to them. I believe they will come around to understanding and accepting your decision some day. It will be a trauma to them as it is to you. It takes a lot of time to heal from a trauma like this. For you and for them.

You are strong. Stronger than you believe right now. This is a very difficult time for you. However from what I have read here you will have a lot of relief when this is taken care of. You will begin to have a life with no new hurt. A good life that you can't even imagine now due to the trauma. Since your sons are grown you should be able to cut off communication with her except for legal matters which you can route through your attorney.

I am praying for you.

Hurt2Deeply

It's been a very rough day.

You know we're here for you brother.

I am so sorry it has been rough. We are all here for you when you are ready to share. Sending strength.

Cat