SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with situations. If I was in your shoes, this is what I would do. First of all, I would have to love her enough to get by the infidelity and the crazy junk she has been saying and doing. I would have to want to R. If I could do this then I would tell her my conditions. I would return home but the preparations and paperwork for divorce would continue. It can be stopped before it becomes final. From the time I return home until the time of the final divorce, it is all in her hands to prove to me that a R is what is best for me. If I ask a question, it gets answered honestly. If there is something I want to see(like her phone) then I get to see it. I, in return will answer any question she ask and show her whatever she wishes to see. At anytime I see that this is not working or I see just one break in trust from her, I leave and it's over. If she agreed to these conditions, then I would do my best to R and if I see that R is very possible, then I will stop the divorce. Just my 2 cents worth and how I would handle it. Also, keep a VAR on you at all times. Even trying to get back together does not mean to trust her. I've always believed that if there is someone I can't trust then they can't trust me either.I do wish you well.

The fact that she hasn't taken a STD test is telling. Essentially she isn't willing to put much real effort into addressing your concerns.

Here's a suggestion: Tell her the next communication you will have with her is her giving you the results of this test (in writing) from her doctor.

And if it turns out she's not willing to take this most minimal action to save your marriage, well, that tells you everything you need to know.

One last question that been bothering me...the DV call that your wife instigated, what was the motivation for that?

1. Did the OM tell her to do this or was he involved in some way with this? Does this jib with the "no contact" timeline you have?

2. Did she tell your family about this and admit this was a false charge?

First of all, I would have to love her enough to get by the infidelity and the crazy junk she has been saying and doing. I would have to want to R. If I could do this then I would tell her my conditions. I would return home but the preparations and paperwork for divorce would continue. It can be stopped before it becomes final. From the time I return home until the time of the final divorce, it is all in her hands to prove to me that a R is what is best for me. If I ask a question, it gets answered honestly. If there is something I want to see(like her phone) then I get to see it. I, in return will answer any question she ask and show her whatever she wishes to see. At anytime I see that this is not working or I see just one break in trust from her, I leave and it's over. If she agreed to these conditions, then I would do my best to R and if I see that R is very possible, then I will stop the divorce.

Totally disagree. This approach ignores the hard work the WS has to do on themselves before any reconciliation is possible. She has proposed just this--that 36 return and she will act a different way, being him breakfast in bed, etc. These actions do nothing to make her a safe partner or to heal 36. Honesty and transparency are just part of the many things the WS must do to heal the marriage.

They have to own their behavior. She has not done that. They have to stop being defensive. She has not done that. They have to be willing to work on themselves and see the affair for the ugly and cruel series of actions it is. She has not done that.

I believe (and I think others do as well) that you are dealing with some sort of Cluster B personality disorder. If that is the case, it is unlikely she has what it takes to push through her disorder and create lasting change.

I think 36 is seeing the benefit to NC as it is getting him away from the crazy and focused on his own best interest. If his WS would put in the hard work and truly focus on her issues instead of blaming menopause, the Tooth Fairy or global warming for her affair, maybe 36 might entertain reconciliation.

But that is not the current state of affairs. Pun intended for comic relief.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 7:04 AM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

Going back to the house should not even be up for consideration at this point!

OP can't protect himself 24/7 living with that. Lying, manipulating son, attempted false DV, hospitals.

Crap.

Edited: Toned it down and cross-posted with Cat, who is the oracle of the thread.

[This message edited by antlered at 6:24 PM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

Steven said:They only thought I have for you is that I would only be telling WW: “WW, until the POSOM has suffered consequences for his actions with you and the other women at this organization we have nothing to talk about. If u can make that happen I will listen to what you have to say about our future. Otherwise you can communicate with me thru my lawyer”.

You posted:I have been thinking about that for the last few weeks and I think that definitely needs to be part of the consequences. I met with my own Human Resources manager this afternoon to get some advice. What I wanted to know was whether my wife could get things going by filing suit for sexual harassment and hostile work environment. She said yes. Now the question is whether it is appropriate to bring this up directly with my wife under our current separation...I'm open to advice.

I would say "No". I would say "Maybe" if you had the safety of having filed for D. But it is a soft "Maybe". There is so much more that she should have done, should have been doing, to show remorse.

I posted before that her main actions post Dday have been to quit her job (after you threatened to kick her out), change her phone number (which she promptly gave to her former coworkers). And you feel she has maintained NC. Balanced against these steps are what would be a single spaced page full of abusive, cruel actions. Top of that list: the two ambushes of you she orchestrated.

Only you would be able to judge if her taking down the OM and the organization would be an indicator of remorse. I thought you had been taking steps to do that independent of your W. Her added step would be a lawsuit alleging sexual harassment. A lawsuit that could take a year or more to ripen. So during that time you are...what...listening her talk about a future with you...talk about "stuff"...separated...limbo...?

She really hasn't suffered any consequences has she? You want to gain her cooperation in going after the OM/Organization so they suffer consequences. That seems enormously out of scale when measured against what she has done to you and how very, very little she has done to date to aid your healing. So far you have a commitment from her to serve you breakfast in bed, and to talk about "stuff".

Here is another option for you that gives you an opportunity to assess her remorse and cause an investigation into the organization. Ask her if she was personally aware of the organization defrauding insurance companies or the federal government through bogus billing. Ask her if she has any knowledge that the OM created false billings to cover-up being out of the office to conduct sexual affairs. Morality and justice for others is your motivator. Fraudulently obtained money is a motivator for oversight organizations to open an investigation.

36, I vote a soft "Maybe" if you make this pact with the she-devil. Only do it from the safe harbor of having filed for D, and getting a preliminary indicator from her concerning her cooperation and knowledge of financial misconduct.

Two thumbs up for your success in NC during the electronic/digital storm. See how could that felt? Now imagine operating from the safe harbor of having filed for D and being able to lay out conditions to her for your willingness to hold the D in abeyance pending ongoing demonstrations of remorse.

Operating from the safe harbor of D is the only option I see for you which offers protection from a cruel form of limbo.

update 36 ?

Update:

She will be served sometime tomorrow.

The electronic storm slowed to a trickle last night, though I assume it will be a flood tomorrow.

I have a question: as I enter into this phase of my life, what do I owe to my WW? I plan on paying all existing debts, but no new ones she enters into.

I don't feel I owe her any loyalty or faithfulness whatsoever. But I do not plan to date or even entertain the thought of seeing anybody else, unless and until, the marriage officially ends.

I think entering into any relationship, prior to that as yet to be determined date would be unfair to any potential partner, as well as to my marriage.

Why do I feel like I owe my wife nothing in this respect but still want to honor my marriage?

Anyway, back to the trickle of texts from last night (all went unanswered).

She says she wants me to trust her again and come home. There will be no need to have access to her phone, Facebook, email etc., because, after all now she knows how to have an affair.

I have no idea what that means, but it seems disturbing and not a compelling reason for me to consider even being in the same state as her.

I am really worried about tomorrow. Serving her is reminding me that all this is very real and the eventual outcome is uncertain.

What can I expect?

36

I may have missed it in this thread but, where is it that you are staying now?

Does your WW know where you are staying?

I may have missed it in this thread but, where is it that you are staying now?

Does your WW know where you are staying?

I am staying n a hotel while I look for a more permanent location.

And no, she doesn't know where I am staying.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:14 AM, October 18th (Wednesday)]

There will be no need to have access to her phone, Facebook, email etc., because, after all now she knows how to have an affair.

I have no idea what that means, but it seems disturbing and not a compelling reason for me to consider even being in the same state as her.

Lol. She's saying there's no need for you to have all that access because she's now smart enough to take an affair underground.

That's some convoluted logic right there.

Does your wife know where you are staying?

I would suggest if possible, see if you can find a friend or family to stay with.

Sitting in an empty hotel room by yourself will eventually wear on your resolve out of desperation. This is setting you up for failure.

I have a question: as I enter into this phase of my life, what do I owe to my WW? I plan on paying all existing debts, but no new ones she enters into.

Talk to your attorney, but typically pre-filing debt is split and post-filing debt belongs to the individual who incurred the debt. I would cancel ALL joint credit cards and take steps to close joint bank accounts (with your attorney's blessing, of course).

But I do not plan to date or even entertain the thought of seeing anybody else, unless and until, the marriage officially ends.

I think entering into any relationship, prior to that as yet to be determined date would be unfair to any potential partner, as well as to my marriage.

Why do I feel like I owe my wife nothing in this respect but still want to honor my marriage?

Actually, this is a VERY healthy approach. And don't think of it as honoring your marriage, but being true to yourself. If you don't feel it's appropriate to date or be available to date prior to your divorce being final, then don't do it, but don't do it for YOU, not her and not the marriage, certainly. As someone who also came out of a long-term marriage, it takes a while to really process the end of the relationship. Not dating during this time (but having a healthy social outlet like a hobby or same-sex friends) is very healthy. I applaud you.

She says she wants me to trust her again and come home. There will be no need to have access to her phone, Facebook, email etc., because, after all now she knows how to have an affair.

This, above all, should tell you that you are doing the right thing. She has no understanding of how this has affected you, and, worse yet, no real desire to try and understand. Lack of empathy (hallmark of Cluster B personality disorders) comes to mind.

What can I expect?

I would expect the same torrent of electronic messages and at least 1-2 attempts to try and see you. You did great handling this earlier this week--I'd use the same coping mechanisms.

If she ambushes you at the office or elsewhere, I would immediately either get in my car and call the police or somehow surround myself with others and call the police. None of us have any clue as to what she will do in desperation. Better safe than sorry. If you are upfront with law enforcement (and they've seen it all, most likely), they can help diffuse the situation and write a police report that accurately reflects what has happened, not her "version" of it. Think everything through before you go anywhere. If she does this (ambushes you), I would think about a restraining order. Hate to go to this, but seriously--you must think of yourself right now.

You're doing all the right things. I know it feels sucktastic right now, but you're doing okay. You really are.

Cat

You are not honoring the marriage, just being your honorable self. Congratulations, you have morals.

You seem like a great guy and you will find someone who appreciates that. Her loss. Which if she doesn't really see now, she will later. But you will have moved on and found happiness.

Please follow Cat's advice and protect yourself.

I think I am gong to work remotely tomorrow. I'll probably head to Phoenix to avoid some of the sh!t storm.

Good idea to get out of town on the day she is served.

As far as what do you "owe her"? Nothing other than what is ordered by the court.

She burned your relationship to the ground with her affair and lies and how she has acted since.

Since you are a man of integrity there is still something in you that wants to make things right (for lack of a better term).

Making things right is for you to move on, no need to worry too much about dating or new relationships. Give yourself time to breathe...you won;t be ready for anything serious for a while.

Don't be a hermit - get out and socialize but wait until you are truly ready to be involved with another person.

Given the shit sandwich that you were served, you could not be doing better. From how you're having her served, from being out of sight when it's done, from your (best-effort) no contact, from your view on dating after marriage.

You're in the top 5% of SI "victims". I know it's a title that you probably didn't want to have, but if you're going to do something you might as well kick ass at it, right?

36 - courage-

kudos you are doing the best anyone can in this hurricane named after your stbxww.

keep in contact with your attorney.

Have you thought of getting a new phone so that she can't use GPS on the old phone to track you down?

The false domestic violence charge certainly makes it good to be protected and do not go near her without your VAR.

Catwoman is right. Listen to her.

She is not taking on the responsibility of her actions and is still deep in the fog.

Hope she does not try anymore tricks.

have all go thru your attorney.

Good luck surviving this storm.

What catwoman and MickyBill said.

We all understand how this can eat you up from the inside if you let it. It's all about attitude and not being afraid of what lies ahead.

Divorce is one of those life changing events that can shake you to your core if you let it. It's like a death of someone close. It's time to take a deep breath and celebrate getting out of the swamp you been in and look forward to a new life.

Dump the burdens you've been carrying around.

Don't be afraid, be excited!

Smile at adversity, knowing your inner strength came through and overcame what the world, (and your wife) through at you.

It's not whether one side or the other won the battles, it's that you came through alive and stronger.

Attitude, my friend. The next big adventure awaits.

36,

I don't feel I owe her any loyalty or faithfulness whatsoever. But I do not plan to date or even entertain the thought of seeing anybody else, unless and until, the marriage officially ends.

I think entering into any relationship, prior to that as yet to be determined date would be unfair to any potential partner, as well as to my marriage.

Why do I feel like I owe my wife nothing in this respect but still want to honor my marriage?

You feel that way because you are a good and decent man. You are thinking of other peoples' well-being when you say you would not want to bring another person into anything until your current situation has been resolved. Selfless, and honorable.

You want to honor your marriage because you took your vows seriously, and meant to be bound by them after you said them. And by honoring your marriage vows, you are actually honoring the whole institution of marriage. You are taking a stand for truth and morality because they are your rocks in a situation that is full of others whose creed is immorality and lies. The fact that they work for a Christian organisation is like some twisted joke. If you lifted the carpet in that office, you might find a pentagram, stained with blood.

She says she wants me to trust her again and come home. There will be no need to have access to her phone, Facebook, email etc., because, after all now she knows how to have an affair.

I have no idea what that means, but it seems disturbing and not a compelling reason for me to consider even being in the same state as her.

36, almost every statement she makes is a good argument for packing a case and heading for Canada. Many of her statements are tinged with double-meaning and ambivalence, and many times there has been an air of aggression or threat in her choice of words.

Even in this most recent message, she begins by saying she wants you to come home, but then switches to dictating that you will have no access to any of her media, and boasting that she knows how to get away with infidelity. On the face of it, that would be an insane thing to say if she was really trying to entice you home, but I don't think she is. I think the 'come home' part was just an excuse to say the stuff about being a wily adulteress, to tell you that you cannot beat her.

The delusional part of her braggadocio is that she cheated when you were engaged to her, and she got caught. She cheated while married to you, and got caught. That is not the track record of a criminal genius. It is like claiming to be the smartest crook alive while serving life in San Quentin.

But I digress.

Everything she says is tinged with those weird power games or manifestations of Type B disorder. She seems incapable of saying anything that is not affected by that, just as she couldn't get through that recent lunch with you without having an outburst. That is why I think it is a total waste of time to try and understand what she says as if it is guided by any sense, coherence, or logic. It is not. It is just nonsense and anger because she got caught, and she cannot control you.

I think you are absolutely right to work remotely tomorrow, and to head to Phoenix. You are getting great advice from several people here about what she may do, to which I would add:

1) Once she has been served, no meetings with her without your lawyer in attendance.

2) Consider whether all communications from her should be channeled through your lawyer. Your lawyer can send her a letter to that effect.

3) Do not let her know where you are.

4) If she tries staking out your office, to bushwhack you when you go to work, report it to the police, and to your lawyer. It may be worth talking to him about what would be necessary to get a restraining or protective order. Not saying you will need it, but a good scout is prepared for all eventualities.

5) In your leisure time, go somewhere else to relax and do things that you enjoy. If you like Phoenix, go there, but maybe try several different places, just to see something new and fresh. Fish, look around museums, go to the movies, whatever you like to do. Things have been intense for you for a long time, it would be good for you to have some enjoyable stuff in your life too. And just seeing new things and places will reassure you that life has much for you to enjoy; new places, new faces, new experiences.

You began this thread looking back, as reflected in your forum name, but I think you should also look to the future, and how it will feel to be free of all this melodrama, and move on with a life that has so much to offer you.