SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think I am just going to let her have the residence and everything within. All I want are my personal items, clothes, computers, etc. And 100% of my business.

I'll be damned if I am going to let her take something that she was never involved in. It's still my baby.

She can keep her stupid alarm cats that used to wake me up at 3am every morning.

She can keep my wedding ring and all her memories of me, of us. I don't want any stuff that reminds me of her.

I am going back into my office today to get on with work. I am going to contact my accountant and get started on separating finances.

I cancelled all our joint credit cards over the weekend. I am opening new bank accounts this afternoon.

In my state there is a 60 day minimum before a divorce can become final. But that's only if both parties sign off on it. I'm sure that won't happen. Probably looking at closer to 6 months.

I will not entertain the urge to date anyone during this time. If this divorce runs its course I will never date a woman who has cheated. Never!

My wedding anniversary is in December. I am going to take a week off and go on a cruise by myself. Then I'm going to send her post cards from every port saying "Glad you're not here."

I don't know if I will ever consider getting married again. I'm feeling jaded. Plus I'm getting too damned old to start over. But I think I can learn how to be single again.

Today I just feel completely numb and dead inside.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 9:35 AM, October 23rd (Monday)]

I would caution you to not make any decisions on major financial affairs right now. Listen to your attorney and make good, reasoned, decisions, not those based on pure emotion. Your marriage was part of an "enterprise," so to speak, so dividing up that enterprise is a business deal, not emotional (although, of course, it IS emotional).

I agree with going ahead and splitting finances right now. Might as well. It's going to have to be done eventually.

Make sure your attorney knows what you want. There will likely have to be valuations done, etc., but hopefully you will get exactly what you want. Since children are not involved, it's all about retirement accounts and other assets (marital home, your business, etc.). Not sure if your state would require spousal support, but you might want to consider TEMPORARY spousal support (for a certain period of time, designed for her to transition to a living situation commensurate with her actual income). It's tax-deductible to you, FYI.

Tackle things one at a time, and do not speak about any of this with her right now. Hopefully she's stopped blowing up your phone.

Cat

Good actions 36.

You do have the basis of what you want the deal to look like. And it is a deal. A business deal. You tell your negotiator (your attorney) what your bottom line "gotta haves" are.

I put this in business terms deliberately. Not only is that your world with your private business, it is the best way for you emotionally.

The business and the house are major assets. Your attorney can make this happen. Don't automatically give up the house. But you could give it up if you want the D in 60 days and full ownership of your business.

I care nothing for the marital home. She contaminated it, she can have it. I don't care about the money.

I've really decided that adultery is a deal breaker for me.

I don't know what the settlement agreements are going to look like. I don't know about spousal support yet.

I want to start over fresh. At this point in my life starting over with nothing is better than having "all the stuff" and staying in infidelity. I will be ok.

My phone is already blowing up again this morning. I'm just deleting the crap as it flows in.

I want to start over fresh. At this point in my life starting over with nothing is better than having "all the stuff" and staying in infidelity. I will be ok.

However, depending on the laws of your state, distribution should mean that you get your share of the marital property. Don't let the desire to get things over with cloud your judgment (this is where listening to your attorney is mission-critical). The home and the business will both need to be valued. You might be able to trade your interest in the marital home for her interest in your business.

This is a settlement you will need to live with for a long, long time, and it's one where you really have to be very scrupulous about putting emotion in the back seat when making these decisions.

I love your resolve--good for you!

Cat

Hi 36

I have been walking here alongside you for the entire time that you have been posting.

I have never posted to your thread as I am still so new that for now, the best I can do is give a warm welcome to someone new. I then leave the sage advice giving up to the vets. By the time I saw your tread you had already been given a warm welcome, so I have just tagged along as a supporter sending good mojo.

You have had a phenomenal support team. Most of the vets who helped me through my journey, and then you have Cat. Has she not proven herself to be the best of the best. Almost envious there.

Anyway, you came on just as my JFO journey was coming to its end and I was moving to D/S so you will not know how my story unfolded but I can say you have done well.

Thought that I would now just say that, all those feelings that you have had these last few days, they are quite normal, and from my experience, are a strong indicator that you are closer to a happier new future that what it might seem like to you now, but it is true.

Once I had arrived where you are, the progress to happy was far faster than I ever could have imagined. I am hopping that your future holds the same for you.

The trip idea is superb. Please do it.

And just love the idea of the posts cards from each port.

I am hesitant to say this as it might sound arrogant from my side but as a fellow BS, I am proud of you. Wish there were more with your strength of character.

If you don't care about those things and she does that's good. That's the basis for a good negotiation. Try to use the things you don't care about to get the things you do. For example, equity in the house now for less spousal support down the line. You will care later as you write those checks trust me.

I don't care about the money.

This is why you have an attorney, you don't care right now, but in 6 months you sure will. Sell the house if you think it's tainted, take the cash.

You don't make good decision in this state, rely on a good lawyer and let him do his job.

36,

As Catwoman said, you shouldn't make financial decisions right now.

Besides, if you give her everything, you are rewarding her for her infidelity which is absolutely ridiculous. Further, how the hell are you going to pay your attorney if you do that ?

You will regret these decisions when she is riding high and off in the sunset with the $$ you worked hard to make and once you do this, there is no going back.

I have told you in this thread to think with your head and not your heart and you are doing the opposite.

the only one who will suffer from your martyr attitude right now is you.

As you said, you feel numb and dead inside. That doesn't mean your decision making has to reflect that.

If anything, you should be angry and you should go for as many of the assets you possibly can both because you deserve it and because she doesn't.

It's not a hard equation.

if you don't want that stuff, then barter it in exchange for retirement savings and no alimony.

you give her the assets, that doesn't mean you still won't be paying alimony.

You say the $$ means nothing to you. I say bullshit. It will, but only after you have none left.

I am pleased that you feel this is a dealbreaker. It should be. Start over but not financially

I agree Twisted

I love your cruise idea, and hope you have a great time.

I don't have divorce advice. I left my first marriage with my clothes, a guitar, and some records (dating myself here). But you're getting good advice from the others here.

You sound strong and a little sad, but you're going to be great in no time. Wishing you the best. Keep her out of your head.

Your cruise idea is brilliant. Hope you enjoy the trip.

As far as assets go, and the settlement, there is more than one way to skin a cat, as they say. Your attorney can handle this and propose different options. If she wants to keep the home, fine, but that can reduce your liabilities elsewhere. It should be negotiable.

Seems like the 180 is helping you, so keep it up. Should make things easier when you go back to work.

keep up the NC.

I am proud of you.

If there is one from your kids, do communicate with them.

Tell them her affair(s) are a deal breaker.

She may have played with more than one OM at her work, or with the OM and his buddies.

book the cruise now. it could be an asset to fight about.

If you don't care about the money but need a bargaining chip for your business, use it. If not, give the money to your kids or set-up a charity in memory of your DS. A scholarship or donation in his name.

Keep on steady and strong. There are great, happy times ahead for you. Have a blast on your vacation!

36,

I hope you are being good to yourself, and we are all thinking of you.

It sounds like you have some good plans made, particularly the cruise in December. Just being elsewhere, out-of-contact, will be very good for you.

Re. the finances, you have had a lot of great advice about letting your lawyer figure out what is the best deal for you. There can always be horse-trading that goes on in the negotiations,but there is no reason why you should give anything away. However, we all respect your wishes, and I am sure you will make the right decisions in consultation with your lawyer.

I can understand how you must be feeling, that you just want it done and dusted, so you can move on. I guess a priority will be to get as much as possible settled, to keep any ongoing contact/arrangements to the absolute minimum. I am sure your lawyer will know how that can be achieved.

It would be good to get yourself an IC session a.s.a.p., this has been a hugely stressful thing that you have gone through, and it would be good for you to be able to our everything out to a neutral third party.

You're a good man, 36, and life still has good things to offer you. The past may be unchangeable, but the future will be whatever you make it. You are getting yourself out of infidelity, and you are prevailing. We are all rooting for you.

Hi, 36, just thinking about you this morning, praying you have a good week.

I agree with some of the other posters. You are not thinking clearly right now, let your lawyer decide what is rightfully yours and take nothing less.

I think I made a mistake. Good friends of ours, a married couple, called me last night and invited me to dinner tonight. They said they wanted to counsel me and my wife.

After much cajoling they finally got me to agree to go. My wife will be there. I think I screwed up big time.

You had a moment of weakness which is understandable. Only a screw up if you follow through with it. Just message back and say this isn't in your best interest and you won't be going after all. You know you need to do this. Why put yourself through fresh hell? She's shown you it's all about her - things will be no different.

[This message edited by Sadielost at 8:54 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

"John and Jane, I have changed my mind. Enjoy dinner this evening, and we can catch up another time."

Problem solved.