SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ChamomileTea

Just keep reminding her that a contentious and protracted settlement process is in no one's best interest and just takes whatever niceties which might have been possible away from your children. She's in no better position than you to afford a long drawn-out divorce. And neither of you want to tell your kids they can't afford new soccer shoes or a trip to the movies because the lawyers got all the money.

Will do - I have reminded her several times that this is the cheaper option...Because it is. It's not cheap but when you are comparing under 5 grand(ish) to upwards of 80k...Well, there's no comparison.

She's not in a better position than I am in terms of a drawn out divorce, Virginia recognizes adultery as 'at fault' and my lawyer says that this is financially detrimental to her (I have the better financial claims because of it). Custody it doesn't matter (which is ABSURD). I have told her that all I want is she keeps her debt, I keep mine, she keeps her savings (which, in reality works out to OUR savings, but it's like 4k so I'm okay with it), I keep my 401k, she keeps her 401k. I keep the 529's (I'm the only one who has put money into them, they are for the kids anyway). 50/50 custody of the kids.

Not sure about taxes/deductions, but I think we can work something out.

Speaking of Soccer, my son's soccer starts relatively soon (late March/April). That's going to be a bit awkward, but I'll manage.

And once again... don't feel a bit bad about "not keeping the door open". Cheaters already know the consequences. They do. If what you're heart is telling you is to push through this divorce, than push it through. D isn't the end. It's a beginning in a lot of ways. Hell, my aunt married and divorced the same man so many times they could no longer be licensed in their home state. So, who knows what the future might hold. But it's YOUR future and you're in charge of it. There's freedom in that.

I kind of feel flip-floppish but whatever, it's not like she was considering me AT ALL when she was out fucking the scumbag.

My heart is a confused mess of shit. The reality is that with all the pain, the lying, the betrayal, the conversation, the lack of hating him, the other shit, I know I can't live like this - my brain is telling me this. My heart, most of the time, tells me this too. I think I just get mixed up sometimes.

Your Aunt is interesting - my parents AND grandparents both divorced and got remarried. I very much doubt that will be the case for us - but if something like that WERE to occur it would only be after she'd been through years of therapy. She needs to become an empathetic human being again. I don't think she has the inner drive to change - I think she has the inner drive to rug sweep.

Blah, that's all future telling. Right now I'm feeling the Stabbing Westward song 'Save Yourself' (I probably mentioned this before) lines:

My life has been a nightmare

I think I'd rather be alone

Shit, that whole song has resonated with me these past few weeks.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 2:18 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

I didn’t realize how much lonelier I was while married to my ex compared to how I feel now, living on my own. It’s hell to be with someone who doesn’t value or respect you.

FWIW, I think you’re doing so great at this point. I think it took me 6-7 weeks before I filed for divorce. It was good I didn’t wait because apparently there is an “expiration date” of how long the “guilt” of the cheating spouse lasts, plus he fact that filing meant my ex had to freeze any large scale purchases/spending or moving money into other accounts. I took him by surprise, and he was pissed at me for filing first. But in the end, I think my decisiveness helped me.

i had wanted to reconcile all the way up until when I heard my ex throwing me under the bus on the phone with his skank. Hearing him disparage me put an end to any feelings of affection for him. I realized he was not at all who he pretended to be.

Hang in there. You’re doing great.

You are doing a lot right but you take steps back when you engage her.

She thinks that she has control. All she needs to do is dump the other guy and you will take her back.

You need to start moving on from her.

Just look in the mirror brother “Strength to you”.

Buffer

Pandora16

I didn’t realize how much lonelier I was while married to my ex compared to how I feel now, living on my own. It’s hell to be with someone who doesn’t value or respect you.

I think that's going to be the case with me too.

FWIW, I think you’re doing so great at this point. I think it took me 6-7 weeks before I filed for divorce. It was good I didn’t wait because apparently there is an “expiration date” of how long the “guilt” of the cheating spouse lasts, plus he fact that filing meant my ex had to freeze any large scale purchases/spending or moving money into other accounts. I took him by surprise, and he was pissed at me for filing first. But in the end, I think my decisiveness helped me.

In fairness I've had some flip-flops. I think the main problem is how long everything takes.

i had wanted to reconcile all the way up until when I heard my ex throwing me under the bus on the phone with his skank. Hearing him disparage me put an end to any feelings of affection for him. I realized he was not at all who he pretended to be.

Hang in there. You’re doing great.

Thanks - I heard something like that too. I had a bit of a step back recently but the reality is even if she became Steven's ideal WW ready for reconciliation, I don't think I could handle living with her for much longer anyway. There's just way too much damage. She's got way too much work that she's barely doing anything about. I say barely but I don't even think what she's doing is really work - this is regarding her IC, which I don't think is a very good one.

rambler

You are doing a lot right but you take steps back when you engage her.

She thinks that she has control. All she needs to do is dump the other guy and you will take her back.

You need to start moving on from her.

I need to be legally allowed to leave. I think my slipping, my emotions, and all that are just taking a pummeling because of this constriction by the mediator. I get it, if I leave it could be looked at as abandonment.

Buffer

Just look in the mirror brother “Strength to you”.

Thanks man, speaking on a somewhat literal sense, my shoulder/chest is a bit better - so I'm sure it was just a pull. I will be taking it easier on all my lifts. Maybe not go up above 225 or whatever. We will see.

I’m sorry, but you know what you should and what you have to do! Just do it!!!!

The longer you drag this out, the longer the kids are going to be hurting. Nothing to do with just sleeping around is your fault. But this dragging your feet is your fault.

And as for the flowers, are you telling me that when she saw them and read the card, she didn’t smile just a little? Of course she did!!! But then she realized she had to get rid of them to make herself look good

She is simply unbelievable!!!!!!!

Newlifeisgreat

I’m sorry, but you know what you should and what you have to do! Just do it!!!!

The longer you drag this out, the longer the kids are going to be hurting. Nothing to do with just sleeping around is your fault. But this dragging your feet is your fault.

I am doing it - the mediation is tomorrow. It takes 8 weeks, supposedly.

And as for the flowers, are you telling me that when she saw them and read the card, she didn’t smile just a little? Of course she did!!! But then she realized she had to get rid of them to make herself look good

She is simply unbelievable!!!!!!!

She probably did. Her reaction was not one of being upset or anything.

Good luck tomorrow.

If she was upset with the flowers, she would NOT have simply thrown them away. She would have gotten rid of them someplace away from your property, or cut them up into tiny pieces then thrown them in a bag before throwing them away this way, there would be no trace of them!!!

She is still a cake eater!!!

Stay strong!!! Stay strong for the good of yourself AND the kids!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:13 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Newlifeisgreat

Good luck tomorrow.

Thank you - it's just the start, but IT'S THE START, you know? I'm worried/relieved/trying not to be overly optimistic.

If she was upset with the flowers, she would NOT have simply thrown them away. She would have gotten rid of them someplace away from your property, or cut them up into tiny pieces then thrown them in a bag before throwing them away this way, there would be no trace of them!!!

Well, there were no trace of them - BUT if she were truly upset she would have called me up immediately (instead of waiting until I got home), she would not have downplayed it (she said 'oh he was just being stupid'), she would have sought to reassure me, called the asshole up in my presence and threatened a restraining order, etc, etc. Instead it was 'you are over blowing this' (not her direct words, but the meaning.

She is still a cake eater!!!

Yes, she is.

My son's birthday was a week or so ago. He got a chess cake (he loves playing chess). It was thrown away this weekend (cause it was old)...Universal symbol of what's happening (with regard to the mediation and all that)???

Stay strong!!! Stay strong for the good of yourself AND the kids!

Yeah man, thanks, this is very difficult. My mushy emotional brain makes this fucking hard. I know what I have to do - rationally speaking.

Honestly my choices seem to be:

1. Mediate, divorce, start over.

2. Accept cuckoldry and start a life of hating myself.

I'm not living with option 2. Not just for myself, but for my kids - that's not something I want to model for them.

Edit: I should be clear - I cannot live with option two, fuck that. I just mean that I have more than just myself to think about. Like even if I wanted to stupidly live a life of misery and agony, I have to also consider my kids. I do not want to live a life of misery that option 2 entails. I'm just trying to reinforce the notion that there's more than just myself to think about.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 8:57 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

"It kind of feels like I want her to be someone else's problem."

I had this same realization once I took the affair out of the picture and really evaluated our relationship. It turned out that my ex's affair gave me the final reason to rid myself of her narcissistic mental issues. I had younger kids at home at the time also. In hindsight it seems to me that they've blossomed without their mother's constant passive-aggressive mind games. The additional blessings are that I'm not living my life feeling like a fool and I'm not constantly wondering if she's cheating again. She's someone else's problem now and I'm happy and free. Best life decision I've ever made.

Dismayed2012

I had this same realization once I took the affair out of the picture and really evaluated our relationship.

I did this, this weekend - through the help of several friends. It's sent me for a spin in just another direction. It's like, wait - she's not the idealized woman you are thinking of, ASIDE from all the affair stuff.

It turned out that my ex's affair gave me the final reason to rid myself of her narcissistic mental issues.

I don't think I've fully grasped it, but I do realize that my wife has some significant mental issues that she needs to address, and probably won't. Those are hard enough for a relationship, tack on infidelity? All that resentment, paranoia, and all that - I've already changed as a person, I'm only going to get worse if I stay with her. She's not going to get better. At least not with me sticking around - maybe if she hits bottom she will, but if I stick around I'm just collateral damage.

I need to think about myself (and my kids of course), I can't deal with all that shit AND try to heal. I realize that everyone has issue so when I find someone else they probably won't be perfect, but they won't have this baggage with this fucking infidelity bomb in it.

I had younger kids at home at the time also. In hindsight it seems to me that they've blossomed without their mother's constant passive-aggressive mind games.

I'm hoping for this with my kids.

The additional blessings are that I'm not living my life feeling like a fool and I'm not constantly wondering if she's cheating again. She's someone else's problem now and I'm happy and free. Best life decision I've ever made.

Yeah, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to check her emails, her location, second guess her motives, and all that. I don't have the energy. Fuck that.

If she was upset with the flowers, she would NOT have simply thrown them away. She would have gotten rid of them someplace away from your property, or cut them up into tiny pieces then thrown them in a bag before throwing them away this way, there would be no trace of them!!!

I think this would give the flowers way too much "power" while she should not wave them aside as him being stupid (he is being aggressive and sniffing around to restart the affair IMO) it's good there was no sacrificial ceremony...she mis-played her reaction though, she probably felt 60% flattered that he is still out there pining away for her and 40% wishing he hadn't sent them. Unless she still loves him, then my numbers are way off.

MickeyBill2016

I think this would give the flowers way too much "power" while she should not wave them aside as him being stupid (he is being aggressive and sniffing around to restart the affair IMO) it's good there was no sacrificial ceremony...she mis-played her reaction though, she probably felt 60% flattered that he is still out there pining away for her and 40% wishing he hadn't sent them. Unless she still loves him, then my numbers are way off.

I have no reason to believe that she still doesn't love him. She has not said she hates him. At best she has said that she sees the red flags and she's coming around to realizing that he's not a good guy.

Which all sounds like lip service.

I think she'd have probably thrown them away no matter what because they arouse suspicion with the kids, but I think she was worried about tomorrow (and the mediation in general). I'd say that she probably has a 25% chance of legitimately wanting to try to work things out with me. If that. More likely she has a 25% of wanting to work things out with me right now because of the mediation and she's not even thinking about 3 months from now.

Only a few hours until the first meeting. I'm nervous and kind of sad. I'm sad for a lot of reasons but I think what's bothering me most is the idea of the 50/50 custody.

That is going to take some terrible getting used to, but it's NECESSARY.

Best of luck today. A lot of people are cheering for you.

I wish you well and send you strength.

Just remember what you can and cannot live with.

As she has been telling you all the time (without justifying it) after DDay, there is a good chance she will get in to a crying fit during mediation and tell all present that she does not want to end the marriage (and probably she will also say you are not very keen on it) .

So that was a long & painful process. There weren’t a lot of sticking points, but another session is definitely going to happen.

Things ground to a halt because My wife is adamant about the kids not being in a house with someone smoking in it. Which pisses me off to no end. Basically the options are:

I live with my parents, 50/50 split.

She pays me about 35k in equity so I can get a place.

Basically the mediator was like ‘it’s standard to pay out 1/2 on equity’, she said it was highly unusual that I would even offer the ‘ill wave equity to live with my parents’. She’s advised my wife to think about it.

Hopefully there’s movement on that front.

She’s supposed to be looking into refinancing with equity loans. I’m not sure how motivated she is.

My wife kept bringing up the ‘why can’t he stay in the townhouse’ & I’d say I can’t, but finally I said that there are constant reminders of the affair & the asshole is sending shit to the house. The mediator, who had been asking why it wasn’t an option, looked at my wife and said ‘that was pretty dumb of him’. My wife tried to downplay it, but the mediator was like ‘in home separations generally only work in non adultery cases’. She also agreed with me that it was pretty disrespectful. The in home separation was taken off the table.

I did get the morality clause about the kids not being taken to her father. So that was good.

Overall the mediator is good.

There was a point where we talked about what happened. The mediator asked if there was a chance we wanted to reconcile. My wife was like ‘I want to’ & I said something like ‘no, I can’t, there’s been too much’. I reinforced that with other comments.

You did well.

From your posts she's a self centered cake eater. Your wife prefers having two men (being married and having her BF on the side).

It's not surprising your WW is reluctant and not fully cooperating. She is now being confronted with the consequences of adultery (shared custody, potentially relocating, loosing a live in babysitter, as well as a reliable life partner).

She destroyed her marriage and now looses on every count - plus she's left with a useless POS BF.

With respect to refinancing the townhouse, she may not qualify in her name alone. Ultimately, you guys may have to sell it.

Great job!!!

You should be proud of yourself!!!!

Stay strong and keep moving forward