SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OP,

First, I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

Now, you titled your thread "Can't find a way to move on."

What I'm going to say will encompass two parts.

First, you are right to feel what you are feeling. Our feelings are just that.

I get you're world has turned upside down, you're crushed etc.

I'm not discounting any of that, you should feel badly, it means you cared, you loved her, you wanted a future with her etc.

This won't go away quickly either, sadly, it takes time and sometimes a lot of time.

Now, on to my second part.

You, me, all of us, should want to be with a person, a partner who wants us the way we want them.

OP, if you were to find out your wife was coming back home to you, you'd be elated.

But what if she came home to you but she told you she doesn't love you anymore or that she loves you but isn't in love with you?

Could you lie in bed and hold her, wanting to hold her knowing she didn't love you the way you loved her?

How happy would you be, really, if the two of you were together like that?

Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, hurt, emotional etc. You should be and I understand why you are.

I get you want her to love you, to want a future with you, but it seems as if she doesn't.

If she came back home to you now but she still felt this way about you, you would NOT be happy with her or happy with things.

She'd be sulking while around you, upset, unhappy etc.

I'm just trying to get at the title of your post is all OP.

Many years ago, my mom cheated on my dad and left for her AP. Less than 3 months later her AP broke up with her (everyone knew they weren't right for each other, except of course for my mother). That man used her, just for sex. But, to listen to my mom, she loved him and wanted to marry him. After the divorce when she moved to his city, things went downhill quickly as that man didn't want her full time along with her 3 children, my 2 brothers and me so he broke up with her. Well, they were never together really, just affair fantasy, he was using her.

Anyway, my mom wanted to try and reconciling with my dad. Now, my dad did NOT want to divorce her, but he did due to her cheating.

My dad wanted to grow old with my mom, but her actions made that impossible.

My mom wanted to try and reconcile but my dad knew she really didn't. If her AP hadn't broken up with her and ended things with my mom, my mom would have still been with him. She only came crawling back to my dad because her AP dumped her.

When my mom was talking to my dad about wanting to reconcile with him, my dad something really close to the following to my mother:

"I'd love to try and reconcile with you, if you love me the way I love you."

My mother was quiet after that. See, both my mother and father KNEW my mom didn't feel about him the way he felt about her.

Again, my dad would have loved for things to work out, but only if they for the right reasons.

My dad was NOT going to take my mom back and live with her knowing she wasn't happy, knowing she really didn't want to be with him, not the way my dad wanted to be with her.

My dad knew he wouldn't be happy, that he wouldn't be able to live with my mom knowing she was unhappy. My dad wasn't going to live with or put up with pity sex or duty sex from my mom.

What my dad wanted, the happily ever after with my mom, wasn't possible due to the way my mom was then.

So OP, this relates to you in a similar way. I get you're hurting and that will take a long time to go away.

But, when you said you "Can't find a way to move on", my suggestion for you is to think about how unhappy and miserable you'd be living with a lady, your wife, when you KNEW she didn't want to be with you, when her actions and her words let you know that.

What you want from her and expected from her isn't what she is, not anymore.

What you wanted is gone. I understand you're wanting the old her and you may pine for it, but if she were to come back home to you now, your happiness would be short lived and you'd soon become miserable trying to live with a partner who didn't want to be with you the way you wanted to be with her.

I understand that everyone is coming at this from experience and good advice. I also understand I am being a hopeless romantic thinking things will go back to normal and we can be happy again.

I am trying to learn to move on. I've been taking up hobbies and meeting up with old friends and family. I'm still a mess and trying my best.

My condolences Bluejeans42. That first year was insane. I don’t remember how long the shock lasted. My wife did want to reconcile and wanted to do whatever she could to make that happen. It was still tremendously difficult. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely function at work. I gave up opportunities at work because i was just a mess.

My father was a womanizer. My mom tolerated it. I’ve seen it in my siblings as well. I told myself there was no freaking way i was going to be like them. I needed to do some deep diving into my own trauma work. This was another traumatic event in my life that needed love, compassionate, kindness, understanding from that guy looking back in the mirror.

As a condition of reconciliation, I offered my wife the option of her own IC, MC, and she needed to go to Al-Anon, CODA, another 12 step program, etc. The other option if she didn’t do these things was divorce. She was no different then the other WSs in trickle truths and lying. As painful as it was and probably because of my history, I was ready to divorce if i saw that she wasn’t committed. I still had to deal with my trauma. I still have to deal with my traumas. I still have trust issues. I still have underlying resentments (these I know are not good or healthy for me or my marriage).

I read a lot of books from the healing library. I saw a lot of Ted Talks on infidelity. I read posts here to see how folks were dealing with their post-trauma. I went back to IC, we did a few MC sessions, I joined another 12 step recovery program—Al-Anon. I had a lot of initial help from a WS in Al-Anon. She suggested and I found another BS to help me along. I had already been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependence Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I walked and hiked like no ones business. Wife and I took a few Mindfulness classes. Mindfulness and Self Compassion was awesome. Near d-day, my mindfulness went out the window—I could not compete with the racing mind. I took melatonin to help with sleep. I also slept with Melodie Beaty’s book the Language of Letting Go in my arms. For some reason, it gave me comfort.

5 years out, still dealing with my trauma as issues come up. Much love.

I'm really uncertain here. On one hand, you might be going through the normal feelings that come with being betrayed and losing the person who was (past tense) the love of your life. It takes time to fully comprehend that she wasn't the person you thought she was. As painful as this loss is, there's no way around the pain; you just have to go through it.

OTOH, you could be going through this in a dysfunctional way. You may need to talk with someone IRL. Maybe meds will give you enough relief to go into the work of letting go.

I have a couple of suggestions for your consideration:

1) Talk to a pro in real life, preferably a good IC. You want someone who can tell the difference between normal reaction to loss vs. dysfunctional reaction.

2) Get your hands on a copy of Dr. Brenda Schaeffer's (sic) Is It Love or Is IT Addiction? and do a self-diagnosis. Her website has some stuff that may help you decide to spring for your own copy of her book if your public library doesn't have it.

Did you blow this cheating up to all your and her friends and family? Call her HR dept? Does her AP have a partner? If wanting to try to save this relationship, you have to blow it up! But, if you are going to move forward and forget about this worthless woman, be kind and hopefully she'll be amicable during divorce proceeding. After divorce.....then blow up the affair!!!

Divorce papers have been served to me and I am at a loss. I'm disgusted in how division of assets look considering we both worked full time and she has a higher level of education than me. She just picked a job that paid much much less than I did.

There is a lot of anger happening right now and coping with everything is extremely difficult. I'm going to work on switching therapists to see if I just don't have the right one.

Anyone in a situation like this have any advice? Or is it because I am a guy and I made more money I just have to take what I can get and move on? I don't understand how any of it is fair when she is living with someone else and has two incomes. She has already taken a check from "her half" of the house and is using it to buy her and her AP a house since he only has a trailer home.

Divorce papers have been served to me and I am at a loss. I'm disgusted in how division of assets look considering we both worked full time and she has a higher level of education than me. She just picked a job that paid much much less than I did...Anyone in a situation like this have any advice? Or is it because I am a guy and I made more money I just have to take what I can get and move on? I don't understand how any of it is fair when she is living with someone else and has two incomes.

Family court absolutely stinks and is not fair to anyone. It is not unfair to you just because you're a guy and make more money. I'm a woman and make relatively little money. My cheater ex QUIT his long-held job to avoid paying child support for our autistic child. He moved to a 3 story house in a great neighborhood with his new wife, who makes a comfortable living for both of them. None of that can go towards child support, because child support is only based off of his (now nonexistent) income. I live in a tiny house, invited my mother to live with us as a paid boarder, and also spend extra hours working my a$$ off to make enough money to support myself and our child in the overpriced area I'm legally required to live in due to shared custody, and I sacrifice dearly to pay for our autistic child's needed private school, which his father doesn't want to help pay for. Tough for me, yeah. Family court isn't fair.

Be glad you don't have to deal with custody. Family courts routinely split visitation almost down the middle between parents regardless of the quality of parenting, even if one parent batters the other. The husband might routinely have beaten the mother, but the court still grants these fathers unsupervised visitation, on the grounds that it was the mother abused, not the child. And even if a child is abused by one parent, it is very hard to prove, and the abusive parent can claim the abuse allegation is "parental alienation" and use that to try to get sole custody.

Family court is unfair and ugly. It isn't more unfair to you in this case because you're a guy and making money. It's more unfair to you because you're honest while she's gaming the system. That's unfortunately the way it works regardless of sex or income.

On the bright side, this experience is an excellent tool for completely, permanently falling out of love with a toxic ex. You're not going to be pining for her anymore, are you?

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:42 PM, Tuesday, May 31st]

Bluejean

Six-year marriage, under thirties, no kids…
The divorce settlement should/could be quite cut and clear AND FAIR. It might not feel that way but the process if fair.
If the papers are from her and her attorney and you haven’t had any input then yes – they might be one-sided. But that’s why you get your attorney to counter with a realistic offer.

Be careful here… If your soon-to-be-ex is demanding excessively more than she’s entitled then by all means counter, but if your attorney tells you her demands are realistic… accept it and move on. Maybe haggle about some issues but don’t enter a $$$$ legal battle over $$.

Frankly – Based on what you have shared (Six-year marriage, under thirties, no kids…) there should be little financial impact for you other than the possible division of assets feeling lop-sided due to unequal contributions. Since no kids, no long-term pattern of lifestyle and no impediment on her earning her own living there shouldn’t be any long-term financial commitment.
That’s what marriage is legally – it’s basically an agreement that anything and everything gained, owed, borrowed, or bought in the marriage is joint, and that the decision that you learn something gainful while she studies mid-European history of puppetry is JOINT. Therefore, the consequences are joint. When we get married, we tend to overlook this factor and the serious legal implications – both the good and the bad implications.

Bluejean – if you can within the next months sign a divorce decree and maybe one check or transfer of funds and be totally 100% free of your wife… Within the next 24 months I can promise you that it will be the best money you ever spent!

Sorry for what you are going through.

Please have a family law attorney review the proposed settlement and call out anything that isn’t equitable.

You can 100% fight her earning history vs her earning potential.

Talk to a lawyer. Then talk to at least two more lawyers and go with the best one you can get. She cheated on you. She served you. She isn't pulling punches.

Gosh I am so sorry this is happening to you
Your wife is awful, awful, awful!
I hope your lawyer gets you a fair settlement and you can move forward to live a life that brings you love and joy-what you deserve. Please stay strong

I think it might be time for you to get a recliner and some popcorn. SHE is buying him a house. Lovely. It might be a happy relationship but it sounds like she jumped off a cliff without a parachute. Way too many financial decisions by her and now she wants some of your money because I am betting she paid too much. Every person I know who bought a house in the last couple of years paid double the worth. You might be seeing a financial squeeze in their new home.

Get a bulldog for a lawyer!

She took marital funds to purchase an asset.

You are entitled to include her withdrawing funds as part of the divorce settlement.

That was half your money too.

If she closes on the home before the D is final, and you can trace the funds she used to purchase the property as coming from her, you are legally entitled to include that asset as part of her marital assets.

And half is yours.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:21 AM, Wednesday, June 1st]

Trying my hardest to find a lawyer who will put up a fight. I keep getting told that more than likely things just get split down the middle.

I know it is months to years down the road but it is going to make it hard not to do a prenup. I am not rich but I work hard and all I do is save so I put off vacations and hobbies all for the sake of having children one day.

I know it is months to years down the road but it is going to make it hard not to do a prenup. I am not rich but I work hard and all I do is save so I put off vacations and hobbies all for the sake of having children one day.

A prenup is a completely reasonable thing to have in place before marrying again. They do need to be vetted by lawyers, as one that leaves a spouse in the dust won't stand up in court, but you can certainly protect your assets better with a prenup than just by hoping for the best.

Even better than a prenup is thorough pre-marital counseling, to make sure you're marrying the right person in the first place (who you are in love with, who is in love with you, and who agrees there is never EVER any excuse for cheating, etc.). In fact, I saw a video recently about pre-engagement counseling, with the idea that you want to get counseling before the engagement ring, before announcing everything to friends & family, because once you've done that it can be hard to back out, even if red flags come up in pre-marital counseling. With pre-engagement counseling, you have the space to make sure this is the right person for you.

Bluejean – go back to my last post:

Six-year marriage, under thirties, no kids…
The divorce settlement should/could be quite cut and clear AND FAIR.

There is no reason for your divorce settlement to lean heavily to your side, not any more than there is a heavy reason to lean to her side. It SHOULD be a near 50/50 division. You can spend your time and money trying to get more, but that’s the law, and the judge has no interest in how she could have been a doctor rather than an art-teacher or how she could have worked 80 hour weeks or if she cheated or wasn’t a good housewife or whatever. They go by the law in your state, and that’s generally worded as a "fair and equitable" division.

In all frankness – In my experience and in my life then before about the age of 35 I mainly owed debt… Student debt, credit-card debt, car-loans, mortgage... Same applied to most of my friends. In all honesty – and you only need to answer this to yourself – are there any major life-altering amounts of assets in your marriage? Any sizeable amounts of worth that you brought into the marriage or were not created within the marriage? Look at your assets – divide them by two – is it such a great amount that it’s worth spending thousands of dollars and months of time to get more?

If you used an inheritance or a trust… get good legal advice. Heck – in ANY INSTANCE get good legal advice. But if your attorney is telling you that it’s probably an even split… then IT IS an even split.

Short story that I have shared previously here: Met a childhood friend at a hotel where we were attending two separate conferences. Me an IT conference, and he an attorneys’ conference. I joined him and his friends at the hotel-bar and got talking. They shared that when a person walks into their office to file for divorce, they know quite quickly how it will end. They said that anything from half to two thirds of legal costs in divorce was due to arguments or delays that really didn’t make sense.
Like the attorney can demand some information, and if it isn’t provided the court will eventually order it delivered. The other attorney knows this, but his client refuses to comply until forced by the court. Only then both attorneys will have spent dozens of billable hours in the process of getting the info. Or the couple will spend 20 hours at 200 per hour each attorney arguing over a couch worth 500.
They also stated that the only real exceptions from the "equal distribution" tend to be people that opt not to have legal representation. Basically when you enter the court you have half, and if you walk out with less than half it’s either the fair result OR because you have willingly forfeit your share.

Do some quick research for divorce in your state. Be honest and frank with yourself: is the difference between half and then what you want significant? Is it really worth it if your attorney says the proposal is fair? By all means massage the numbers in your favor, but drop any unrealistic expectations about you getting everything and she getting significantly less. The hassle, time and money you will spend to basically get the inevitable result will never be worth it.

drop any unrealistic expectations about you getting everything and she getting significantly less

This. Family court is about getting out, not getting even. It won't be completely fair, as I indicated in my previous post. Take it from those of us who have been through custody court: fighting for money is nothing compared to fighting for your child.

Don't let yourself get taken to the cleaners. If there are major assets that should be yours alone, it's worth fighting for those. It doesn't seem that either of you is wealthy, so neither of you are likely to have attorneys who pull major delaying tactics (and you can ensure your attorney won't by hiring a reputable one that you interview thoroughly before hiring). But beyond not getting royally screwed, just focus on getting out.

[This message edited by morningglory at 10:06 PM, Thursday, June 2nd]

It should be 50/50 on assets. I'm talking about fighting alimony.

Divorce papers have been served to me and I am at a loss. I'm disgusted in how division of assets look considering we both worked full time and she has a higher level of education than me. She just picked a job that paid much much less than I did.

The only time her earning potential comes in to play is if you are talking alimony or child support. No children, no child support. With six years, it's unlikely she has any claim to alimony or retirement. Count yourself lucky there. If she does make a play for alimony than you hit her with the imputed income for being underemployed.

Trying my hardest to find a lawyer who will put up a fight. I keep getting told that more than likely things just get split down the middle.

It sucks but assets get split down the middle. Make sure the math is correct, that is she only deserves 50% of the change of equity of the home during marriage and 50% of all other assets acquired. The court isn't going to delve into whether or not she was underemployed and therefore you carried more of the load. They want nothing to do with determining whether or not that was a joint decision or not. Make sure any debt, other than that attached to assets you are retaining, is divided fairly. If it's anywhere near that ballpark 50/50, sign and get out. If not you are just transferring money to attorneys for a case you are likely to lose in the end. Since she is all gung hoo about moving in with trailer park boy, you might be able to tilt the dial a bit your way in a counter offer, but really you best route is to get out and move on with your life. Divorce isn't fair. The court doesn't care who's the villian. They like their simple math of 50/50.

[This message edited by grubs at 1:05 AM, Friday, June 3rd]

In my state he would owe two years of alimony standard without fighting imputed income.

When I talked to lawyers imputed income would have been worth about 20k per year for me for 3 years compared with face value of what my wife was earning. She was definitely underemployed at the time. She also claimed she wouldn't have asked for alimony but she is also a proven liar. So...

Anyway that's why I gave the advice I did, based on my experience talking to lawyers.