SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((HUGS)))

Sorry to see this barcher but not sorry you have made a decision for yourself. Peace to you moving forward.

((((barcher))))

I'm sorry to see this, but I echo others in saying that you're doing the right thing. For me the decision to D was rooted in the absence of hope. Hope keeps R alive probably far too long for a lot of us. And when it finally dawns on us that things can't get better because our WSs aren't willing to do the necessary work to repair the M, then pulling the plug is really the only option. It doesn't mean it doesn't suck, divorce, because it totally does.

If you can redirect your hope that you're going to be okay not married to someone who treats you with so little regard, you'll be better equipped to move forward. There was a great article in Monday's New York Times (maybe Tuesday, I'm on vacation so it's all blurring together ) about resilience training in mid-life. It's worth a look to see some ways to overcoming hurdles.

I think it's very brave of you and very mature of you to quietly decide you've had enough. It's death by a thousand cuts in the end. We all think that infidelity would be an instant deal breaker (and for those SI rockstars who immediately implement that, rock on) but it's often the slow drain and dawning realization in the aftermath that things won't get better and with the horrific damage that the actual A does, there just isn't enough glue left to keep it together.

I was sad to see this post (((Barcher))),

Even though I came to the same conclusion and have filed for divorce.

For me?

I am anxious, frightened, worried about money, concerned about where I'm going to live, sad that this particular partnership must end.......

But, my overriding emotion is one of relief.

SI is a good place for prompting me to really sit with myself and MY feelings (for once), and working through what it realistically was that I "wanted".

Honestly?

I'm still not sure.

But I know what I don't want..... and that is to be married to STBXWH.

I wish you well Barcher,........... I found loads of friendship, practical advice and emotional support in D/S.

Hugs and strength and PEACE to you as you process.

MOB

(((Barcher)))

Barcher,

I'm sorry to have read your post, but in truth I'm really proud of you (I hope that doesn't sound patronizing).

In life, and especially when you have kids, you want to be able to say that you gave it your all. You didn't quit. You tried your hardest and put your best foot forward. And even though the end result for you is D, you can hold your head up high and are able to look yourself and your kids in the eye and say that and mean it. You're on top of your depression. You've worked your tail off at R. Unfortunately, marriage requires two people and your WW was not willing to do her part. That's on her, not you. And in the end, you need to be the healthiest version of you for yourself and for your kids. Good on you for making this decision from a point of clarity and understanding.

Sending strength.

How cruel and self absorbed can one person be?!

You should meet her mother. And her one sister.

Hey, bro. You've got ducks lined up, you're thinking clearly, you've got your sense of humor, and you've got your snark. That's a really good basis for life.

I, too, urge you to consult a lawyer before moving out. In some states, moving out waives some rights.

I know this is difficult. Remember - your W failed M, you didn't.

(((barcher)))

((((barcher))))

You should meet her mother. And her one sister.

That is important for you to note because it means there is a FOO pattern that your wife lived, and selfishness was essentially bred into the women in this family. FOO is some serious shit. I first started looking at my FOO in 1990, 27 long years ago. I was very young. There have been years of doing no work, just trying to stay afloat, mixed with lots of years of work. Overcoming my FOO has been my greatest battle and my greatest source of pride. The pride and effort in my marriage is second only to the pride and effort in overcoming my FOO. Getting your wife to change this FOO would require her complete and total dedication, and she isn't there right now.

You are getting to that point where you are willing to lose the M. It is a frustrated, exhausted, defeated waving of the white flag on your M. Only when I was that done did my H understand he had lost me; change was no longer an option.

Best case scenario: you move on to bigger and better things.

Best case scenario: she actually begins to own her HUGE part in the destruction of this M.

There is no worst case scenario once you have reached the point of letting go. The damage to you has all been done, and you are on the upswing. Best wishes to you. You deserve all the good in your future.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:19 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

Getting your wife to change this FOO would require her complete and total dedication, and she isn't there right now.

Yep. I have told her this. Her response was "This is who I am." I said, fine... I don't want to be married to that person anymore. We'll see if she changes.

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to get off the internet and I went and did a large home improvement project. I worked on it until I was physically exhausted. I then got high (to help me sleep), so I went to bed rather early (9:30pm?).

My wife came to bed much much later. I wasn't sure if she was going to come to bed at all. This morning, I asked her why she was up so late... she said that she was reading. perhaps that's a positive sign? We'll see. Anyone can "try" for a day or two -- that's been her pattern.

You've got ducks lined up, you're thinking clearly, you've got your sense of humor, and you've got your snark. That's a really good basis for life.

Yep. I've said this before, but the depression is far worse than the bad marriage. Without depression, I got this. It won't be pain-free, but I can do this. Last time that I got divorced, I was suffering from depression horribly.

I, too, urge you to consult a lawyer before moving out. In some states, moving out waives some rights.

This is a good point and something that i will do. Still, I can multi-task, since it'll take me awhile to find a new place to live.

perhaps that's a positive sign?

Depends upon what she was reading. Regardless, don't take it as a sign she's had some magical epiphany.

As requested: You go girl!

You have no idea how much this made me smile.

Thank you, everyone, for the encouragement. It is very much appreciated.

Depends upon what she was reading. Regardless, don't take it as a sign she's had some magical epiphany.

No worries there. I gave her "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and she claims to have read it, but learned nothing new. Considering how she acts... something is amiss there.

Following your posts, it seems like you outgrew your wife.

I am sure it sucks now, but you got this. After your marriage had blown up, you got serious about life and made changes to your life and took charge of your depression.

You waited so patiently for her to catch-up to you, to grow with you, but she preferred to stay in the rubble and point out your faults.

She is limiting your potential. Go be free.

Oh barcher. I, like so many others here, hate to see you in any more pain. I'm so sorry it has come to this for you mostly because I know you loved her and we're willing to do all you could do to reconcile your marraige.

Some of your last posts, I see now in hindsight, your unhappiness was shining through.

"She hurts me sometimes "

"Perhaps that would make me feel better "

Of course this is an annomous forum, and I do tend to be wrong with my assumptions.

Do you believe that your WW would have passed the polygraph?

Was she even slightly taken aback when you said you wanted to divorce?

Was she defensive when she said she wouldn't leave the house?

Do you think she believes you will just cave and not go through with it?

Does she normally read late at night?

Did she suggest separation to work on herself at any time after her affair?

Was she complimentary to you before the affair?

She felt it was ok to sleep in the bedroom with you after you to her you want to divorce?

What has she said to you today?

Is she acting like all is well?

You don't have to answer these questions. I'm just trying to grasp how she could just think all was ok. All was well. How she could leave you hurting and go on her merry way now and not care.

We care barcher. You are so precious to us here.

You are going through immense pain at the moment, yet you have posted on others threads today to give support. You are amazing.

I send you all the strength I have to give you

Do you believe that your WW would have passed the polygraph?

No, I don't. I have been preparing myself for that since she made the excuse that polygraphs come up wrong a lot of the time.

Was she even slightly taken aback when you said you wanted to divorce?

Yes and no. I don't think that she is taking me seriously.

Was she defensive when she said she wouldn't leave the house?

Not really. She just said that it was her house and she had as much right to be there as me.

Do you think she believes you will just cave and not go through with it?

Yes. (so do I)

Does she normally read late at night?

No

Did she suggest separation to work on herself at any time after her affair?

Nope. Not once. Your question is leading though. You assume that she believes that she would need to work on herself.

Was she complimentary to you before the affair?

No. Never. This is a long-standing complaint of mine.

She felt it was ok to sleep in the bedroom with you after you to her you want to divorce?

Apparently.

What has she said to you today?

Not much. We talked about my project some. It affects her too, since our house is now a construction zone.

Is she acting like all is well?

Yes. We drove to work together. She was miffed when I didn't kiss her goodbye, which is my normal.

What about a seperation then?

What about a seperation then?

What's the point?

She is who she is. She is not going to change. I don't think a separation will do anything to help or hurt the problem.

No. Likely not. Sorry barcher.

How was last night and this morning for you?