SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not, but she has a problem with me going to my parents and doing the 50/50 split with them. I understand the one issue - my father is a smoker. It could mean that I don't stay there as long as I want to anyway, but that's the only issue she's brought up that I will actually consider, because it's legitimate.

D lowers the living stands of both parties normally. I think it’s a mistake letting her control anything on your end. Financially you may not have a choice short term on which path you take.

Now, the other issue she's brought up, while crying (last week), was that my mother will turn the kids against her. She will spoil them and that she will bad mouth my STBXW. I'm not trying to set the kids against her and I've told her that. I have no desire to mess them up.

Her tears are for her not you or anyone else. Maybe she shouldn’t have destroyed the family? You will have your time and she has hers. Your time is none of her business.

I wouldn’t worry about what she thinks or feels. She could care less about you.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:03 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

Stevesn

Thanks for your thoughts LostOne. You’re a good man.

Thanks! You are a good man as well. In fact, I would say that everyone here is a good person. Seriously, you all are amazing. Not one of you had to help me out, to listen to me, to try to console me - but you all did. You all are wonderful people.

steadychevy

This is the right mindset, TheLostOne. Don't wait around the months or years it might take for her to "come to her senses". You capitalized IF showing it might never happen.

Build your own life. The one being discussed is over. If she comes to her senses eventually will you even want her to be in your life other than with absolutely necessary contact done on a strictly cold business like way.

There is life out there.

No, I'm not. Right now I don't know who the fuck she is or, rather, she's not the person I thought she was. However that goes. I do not want to be associated with this person any more than I have to.

I know that change for the better is extremely hard. I don't tend to have much faith in such change unless I see action. I have too many family members and friends who have circled the moral gutter to just have faith in someone. I'm going to work on myself, my kids, and my friends. I'm going to make a bigger effort to see them.

I want to be the type of person who, if it happens at all, I would be receptive to talking to her if she made a substantial change. Like, if I saw the change I would like to be able to acknowledge it. That said, at that point I would not owe her my friendship or anything. I'll see where I'm at, then, if it happens at all.

Right now there's been too much cruelty, too much malice, too much utter disregard for myself, my kids, and our history that I can't look past this shit and say 'if things change in a few years I'd be her friend'. I'd like to be the type of person who would at least acknowledge her personal growth (if it happens). That's more about me and what I perceive my character to be though.

I hope that makes sense.

Marz

D lowers the living stands of both parties normally. I think it’s a mistake letting her control anything on your end. Financially you may not have a choice short term on which path you take.

I know and I agree with you - this wouldn't be about her controlling anything on my end. I may not have a choice at the end of the day. What I was trying to say is that the smoking is a concern of mine as well.

Her tears are for her not you or anyone else. Maybe she shouldn’t have destroyed the family? You will have your time and she has hers. Your time is none of her business.

I wouldn’t worry about what she thinks or feels. She could care less about you.

Yeah, she shouldn't have destroyed her family. She will get all that is coming to her. I'm just saying that I'm not going to try to pit the kids against her. My thoughts were with regard to the kids, not her.

As it is, I think once I'm out of there things will get substantially worse for her and the relationship with the kids. Plus, I'm not naive - I know that they will find out about what happened. I'm trying to ride a fine line. I'm not going to stop them from finding out, but I'm also not trying to be antagonistic towards her in front of the kids.

That's the fucked up thing about this whole monkey-shit house. If it were just me, fine, I'm hurt, whatever - but she's got to do this to the kids? Fuck that's low. Plus her evil schemes? I want to just say what the fuck is wrong with you, but it's a waste of my energy and it would get me no where.

Outside of all this I don't have much of an update. Got my EZ Pass with the new address. She noticed the old one on the counter and asked about it. I said 'I don't need it anymore' and left it at that.

This morning I sent her a text asking her if she was ready to talk about the monthly finances. We are going to be splitting the house hold expenses more evenly. She hasn't responded yet - I'm anticipating a bunch of bullshit but we will see.

If she brings up relationship crap I'm just going to stick with something like 'As long as you don't hate the fuckstick as much as I do, there's nothing to talk about' and leave it at that. I figure that will work because she's said in the past that she will always have her ex boyfriends (or current fucktards) in her heart. So that should kill the conversation I'm hoping.

If she brings up relationship crap I'm just going to stick with something like 'As long as you don't hate the fuckstick as much as I do, there's nothing to talk about' and leave it at that. I figure that will work because she's said in the past that she will always have her ex boyfriends (or current fucktards) in her heart. So that should kill the conversation I'm hoping.

My thinking is do not mention/badmouth the POS. At this stage It make you look bad (for want of a better word). The second statement is good.

Her selfish plan may have been to continue physical contacts with her BF/s then when she is off her needs "get old with you".

She is suffering because she has no or minimal emotional needs met from the POS and she wants to keep you in tow.

Considering her unemotional selfish ways, unless there are pressing needs to keep the R option open, it is better to consider your marriage is done for good.

goalong

My thinking is do not mention/badmouth the POS. At this stage It make you look bad (for want of a better word). The second statement is good.

Interesting - I'll keep that in mind.

Her selfish plan may have been to continue physical contacts with her BF/s then when she is off her needs "get old with you".

She is suffering because she has no or minimal emotional needs met from the POS and she wants to keep you in tow.

Considering her unemotional selfish ways, unless there are pressing needs to keep the R option open, it is better to consider your marriage is done for good.

That's probably true - another reason, aside from financial, for why she wants to keep me around.

That said, at this point I don't really see R as being a realistic option. Even if she radically changed, she's made a good case for not trusting herself ever again. Whenever I'd ask for her phone, for X, or for Y, for complete transparency, she's pushed back and said that it was all pointless because if she wanted to get into contact with him she would.

Yeah, that's true, so I guess there just can be no trust then. Good point soon to be ex wife.

"That said, at this point I don't really see R as being a realistic option. Even if she radically changed, she's made a good case for not trusting herself ever again. Whenever I'd ask for her phone, for X, or for Y, for complete transparency, she's pushed back and said that it was all pointless because if she wanted to get into contact with him she would."

Wow. She made it easy (or at least easier).

"Thank you for making my point for me, STBX."

Has she always been this self-centered and you just missed it, or is this recent?

If she has always been this way, it would do you some good to unpack it in counseling in order to prevent picking such a person again.

I can’t remember if you’ve read the Wayward Forum at all LostOne, but there are many WS’s there working their asses off to prove to their BS that they can be trustworthy and put their BS first in their minds and hearts.

Your WW hasn’t even taken a truly single step in that direction, so you are right, R is not even a word in your relationship dictionary right now. And with each passing day it would make any mountain of remorse she would have to climb, a few dozen feet taller.

I’m a true believe that a WS can make that happen if they truly want it. But your W shows no sign of that desire to me thru the descriptions you right. It’s and almost impossible task to fill a BS’s heart again after it’s been emptied by infidelity, but it can be done enough to make for a fulfilling rebuilt relationship.

But it’s not a possibility from the woman you have in front t of you today.

So that’s why it’s best to no longer engage with any discussions of relationship at all right now. Just children, finances and mediation. If she tries to engage use the words we’ve all discussed.

I’m also not a fan of getting into detail about the OM, but simply telling him, thru my method or the more colorful one you have come up with, is perfectly ok in my opinion. It’s not a discussion about him, it’s a statement that says there is nothing but a path toward D while he is in anyway way still in your lives.

I think many of us including me would recommend completing the D no matter what. I’ve if she starts saying the right words before it is complete. As you said, trust takes years to rebuild, no need to wait around as a legally married couple in the unlikely event that it ever happens. If she becomes someone else down the road, and you find yourself interested, it would be best to start with a clean slate anyway.

Two weeks till mediation. Hang in there.

farsidejunky

Wow. She made it easy (or at least easier).

"Thank you for making my point for me, STBX."

Has she always been this self-centered and you just missed it, or is this recent?

If she has always been this way, it would do you some good to unpack it in counseling in order to prevent picking such a person again.

I don't think she's ever been THIS self-centered and myopic. Her behavior and utter lack of regard for me is stunning.

Stevesn

I can’t remember if you’ve read the Wayward Forum at all LostOne, but there are many WS’s there working their asses off to prove to their BS that they can be trustworthy and put their BS first in their minds and hearts.

I have a little bit. I also have a friend who's spouse cheated and he was remorseful when she found out. The contrast is stark and obvious.

Your WW hasn’t even taken a truly single step in that direction, so you are right, R is not even a word in your relationship dictionary right now. And with each passing day it would make any mountain of remorse she would have to climb, a few dozen feet taller.

No, my WW hasn't - it's insulting to me when she suggests that she's trying.

I’m a true believe that a WS can make that happen if they truly want it. But your W shows no sign of that desire to me thru the descriptions you right. It’s and almost impossible task to fill a BS’s heart again after it’s been emptied by infidelity, but it can be done enough to make for a fulfilling rebuilt relationship.

But it’s not a possibility from the woman you have in front t of you today.

So that’s why it’s best to no longer engage with any discussions of relationship at all right now. Just children, finances and mediation. If she tries to engage use the words we’ve all discussed.

I agree with all of this. Her engagement is simply excuses that I don't want to hear so I'm not going to.

I’m also not a fan of getting into detail about the OM, but simply telling him, thru my method or the more colorful one you have come up with, is perfectly ok in my opinion. It’s not a discussion about him, it’s a statement that says there is nothing but a path toward D while he is in anyway way still in your lives.

I think many of us including me would recommend completing the D no matter what. I’ve if she starts saying the right words before it is complete. As you said, trust takes years to rebuild, no need to wait around as a legally married couple in the unlikely event that it ever happens. If she becomes someone else down the road, and you find yourself interested, it would be best to start with a clean slate anyway.

Two weeks till mediation. Hang in there.

Thanks and I agree.

I mean, at this point, if she did a 180 would I even trust it? It would seem an obvious ploy. Like, what would have changed?

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 10:16 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

"...at this point, if she did a 180 would I even trust it?"

That's why I divorced my ex. I chose not to live never knowing if she's telling the truth this time or not.

Dismayed2012

That's why I divorced my ex. I chose not to live never knowing if she's telling the truth this time or not.

Exactly - plus with all the shit she's said to me (and I've heard her say to him), I don't know how trust could ever be repaired. It seems mindbogglingly impossible.

That said, last night we all went out to a restaurant to celebrate my son's birthday. He wanted to go to a place that was 45 minutes away. That was not a fun trip. Mostly casual chatter, if I talked at all - I mostly just drove. I tried to be upbeat but I know I wasn't at several points. It tore me up because my son was so excited for his birthday. We get to the place, eat, I hardly look at my wife, then go home. That was about it - so it was uncomfortable as fuck, but no new drama.

This morning I broached the topic of splitting finances again. I sent her an email with what I'm paying and asking her how much and what she was paying. The intent is to split it evenly so no one is being used. Radio silence. I get a break from work and shoot her a text a few hours later - she says she's working on it.

Whatever - just another thing I have to wait for. I told her that she needs to set up stuff with her bank (automatic payments and what not) because at the end of this month I'm closing my bank account. She has access to that bank account and I've already secured another. I still have to transfer two items to the new account, but that's no big deal.

The stuff with the kids really brings me down though. They are already feeling the strain and I'm just worried about them. I know this will be hard for them. It makes me pissed off more at my wife. Her 'why don't you stay 6 months for the kids' bullshit. Like, why the fuck did you stray outside of the marriage instead of going to a therapist, you know, for the kids?

I feel like she's going to attempt to use them as a cudgel anytime she wants to control me; ex. like where I live or what have you. I'm not buying the bullshit she's serving though.

Lost I haven't checked back in for a bit, but just wanted to say that I am very proud of how far you have come. Seriously dude you are fuckin light years ahead of where I was at this point in my infidelity shitshow.

You're gonna be ok. And your kiddos are gonna be ok too. It is gonna be rough for a while getting to ok, but you really will.

EllieKMAS

Lost I haven't checked back in for a bit, but just wanted to say that I am very proud of how far you have come. Seriously dude you are fuckin light years ahead of where I was at this point in my infidelity shitshow.

Thanks, I appreciate it. This place and people like you help a lot. I think my emotional mind (or whatever) needs to catch up with my rational mind. That's the very difficult part. It's like, I know this is all fucked - but the roller coaster is still a pain in the ass.

You're gonna be ok. And your kiddos are gonna be ok too. It is gonna be rough for a while getting to ok, but you really will.

Yeah, I think you are correct. It's going to continue to be tough, but it'll be okay. I think going back with my parents for a little bit will help. My kids like them - my daughter especially.

I just hate the fact that they have to pay for the 'sins' of their mother, you know? It feels like such a selfish and shitty thing to do to them.

I feel like she's going to attempt to use them as a cudgel anytime she wants to control me; ex. like where I live or what have you. I'm not buying the bullshit she's serving though.

It's not like her choices in life served you up many options. Just keep repeating to her.. "yeah, well, I didn't ask for you to destroy our family, my finances and our ability to pay a mortgage payment, either. That was entirely because you chose to commit adultery for three years."

She doesn't get to destroy everything and then whine about it.

As you have said many many times, it's all about her.. what inconveniences HER. Nope, nope, NOPE.

On the flip side, reading your account of your son's birthday was kind of sad and brought back memories. Wishing you strength.

I actually totally thought of you the other day Lost (well, all the SI men that are currently dealing with S&D really). I will have to see if I can find it again, but I read an article about children and divorce. The gist of it was that kids that have two divorced parents that are happy are some [big percent] more likely to be well-adjusted individuals. The percentage drops somewhat if only one of the parents is not a total douche (like your stbxww), but not by a whole lot. But the really interesting part to me was that the percentage of 'wellness' in children who have divorced parents where one is douchey and one is not was WAY higher if their dad was the happy and mentally 'good' one - and that was true for both sons and daughters. And (lawdy I'm sorry, my doc put me on new meds and I now have the memory of a fucking goldfish I swear) I can't remember where I read it, but it wasn't some clickbait article, I wanna say it was a more respected publication.

I just found it really interesting that having a happy dad factored in that much. Guess I shouldn't have because mine was a shit who had a huge resentment and I saw how well that worked out, but still.

All of that to say (and this is for all y'all S&D SI boys) - play nice. Even if your ww don't. Especially if they don't. Cus it fucking matters. Ok, I'm dizzy standing up on this box o soap. Steppin down

KingofNothing

It's not like her choices in life served you up many options. Just keep repeating to her.. "yeah, well, I didn't ask for you to destroy our family, my finances and our ability to pay a mortgage payment, either. That was entirely because you chose to commit adultery for three years."

Exactly.

She doesn't get to destroy everything and then whine about it.

I feel like I need to somehow make this into a personal mantra...

As you have said many many times, it's all about her.. what inconveniences HER. Nope, nope, NOPE.

Yes - selfishness to the max. She doesn't want to have to do a damned thing. She is content enough to knock over all the dominoes and then play 'woe is me' when everyone else has to pick them up.

On the flip side, reading your account of your son's birthday was kind of sad and brought back memories. Wishing you strength.

It was. He had a good time. I bought him one of those VR 'Quest' game systems. His sister has one and I felt like I had to get him something like that - plus it's portable. I also bought him the marvel chess piece (the start to the collection), which he really liked and some other things. That's why we had to drive out to the restaurant last night - it was a pain, but he really wanted it, so I decided we should do that.

I also downloaded all three of the Hobbit movies (we already have LOTR) and all the Harry Potters because I was just like 'fuck it, probably going to be watching a lot of these movies with the kids in the next few months'. Plus, through an odd happenstance, I had debit on my credit card (I over paid it recently).

EllieKMAS

I actually totally thought of you the other day Lost (well, all the SI men that are currently dealing with S&D really). I will have to see if I can find it again, but I read an article about children and divorce. The gist of it was that kids that have two divorced parents that are happy are some [big percent] more likely to be well-adjusted individuals.

That makes me feel better.

The percentage drops somewhat if only one of the parents is not a total douche (like your stbxww), but not by a whole lot.

I think, I HOPE, that she won't be a shit-bag to them. I don't think she will...but apparently I don't know the real 'her'!

But the really interesting part to me was that the percentage of 'wellness' in children who have divorced parents where one is douchey and one is not was WAY higher if their dad was the happy and mentally 'good' one - and that was true for both sons and daughters. And (lawdy I'm sorry, my doc put me on new meds and I now have the memory of a fucking goldfish I swear) I can't remember where I read it, but it wasn't some clickbait article, I wanna say it was a more respected publication.

That's some good news. I'm not entirely happy right now, but around them I am. I'm loving, affectionate, and they are my world. I'm kind of looking forward to taking them on a vacation this Summer - I mean, I am looking forward to it, but it's hard to see that far in advance, you know?

I just found it really interesting that having a happy dad factored in that much. Guess I shouldn't have because mine was a shit who had a huge resentment and I saw how well that worked out, but still.

It makes sense. I'm sorry to hear about your father.

All of that to say (and this is for all y'all S&D SI boys) - play nice. Even if your ww don't. Especially if they don't. Cus it fucking matters. Ok, I'm dizzy standing up on this box o soap. Steppin down

This does make me feel better. I love my kids and I want to do so many things with them.

She doesn't get to destroy everything and then whine about it.

This is such a great line.

As a father, fan of VR, and levity:

VR 'Quest'

Make sure you have done some reading and you set up the streaming link for it, the quest is a good mid tier vr system but has a lot of limitations performance wise. if you're tech literate you can overcome that by making sure you have steamvr and the oculus quest link system set up with the appropriate cables (I believe it just needs to be usb 3.0+ capable but i think they have one they sell specifically for it) you get much better quality experience and you can access the steam library of VR games in addition to the quest only ones.

[This message edited by Skadu at 4:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

farsidejunky

KingofNothing

She doesn't get to destroy everything and then whine about it.

This is such a great line.

It totally is. It makes me want to somehow talk about the marriage with her just so I can use that...But I'm not going to. IF there is an organic opportunity, I'm totally saying it - but I'm not seeking it out.

Skadu

As a father, fan of VR, and levity:

Make sure you have done some reading and you set up the streaming link for it, the quest is a good mid tier vr system but has a lot of limitations performance wise. if you're tech literate you can overcome that by making sure you have steamvr and the oculus quest link system set up with the appropriate cables (I believe it just needs to be usb 3.0+ capable but i think they have one they sell specifically for it) you get much better quality experience and you can access the steam library of VR games in addition to the quest only ones.

Really? I'm decent at tech - and I can certainly learn and figure things out. I'll have to look into this.

My wife was supposed to buy him some games, but didn't. So I did - maybe not a great move on my part, but I love my son and it's totally fucked up that he'd get a system and then wouldn't be able to play anything on it. As it was, she was supposed to set it up during the day. It wasn't set up so I created an account for him. I'm not surprised.

So I did - maybe not a great move on my part, but I love my son and it's totally fucked up that he'd get a system and then wouldn't be able to play anything on it.

I don't know your financials or fun budget but just get "Rec Room" and if you set up SteamVR "The Lab". both are F2P and kid friendly.

Skadu

I don't know your financials or fun budget but just get "Rec Room" and if you set up SteamVR "The Lab". both are F2P and kid friendly.

I'll have to check that out.

In recent news, I've been asking the wife to split the finances evenly. I sent her an email yesterday (day before?) saying that we need to split the bills evenly. I sent her what I was paying for – she finally got back to me. She had some questions about lawyers and whatever, which I answered, and said this:

‘I prefer that you not write back anything about excuses. I am not making excuses, I am telling you the challenges I have. At most, I can immediately start paying for an additional $400 for house expenses, which was my car loan amount. I just don’t have any extra money beyond that right now. I will be happy to figure this out with you in a way that works for both of us. I do not have any desire to use you for your money, never have, never will. I only need you to understand that although the costs I have been paying for the house isn’t nearly as high as yours, it’s because the debt I am under is crippling, and you know that, and I pay for many non-house related expenses (medical, school lunches, savings, dinners, etc etc). If I can pay my debt off and contribute more to the house cost, I absolutely will, but I can’t be sure of how to manage my 401k money just yet (paying off debt or paying off a lawyer). ‘

I answered her lawyer question and a few others and responded with:

‘Can [AP NAME REDACTED] contribute anything to help you?

I’m not trying to make your life harder or anything but the reality is that I cannot live like this. It’s not fair for me to live like this, and it’s detrimental to the kids/family to live like this. I have to think about myself and the kids, and I’m the only one who actually cares about me. In fact, as I overheard, I was going to be used and screwed over. You had four years to plan your escape and to be happy – this isn’t my fault, I’m not the bad guy - I’m only trying to protect myself and do things with integrity.

I know he can't contribute anything. He's unemployed. Even if he was employed, I don't think he would.