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I don’t blame her for not wanting to stop birth control mid cycle. Her reaction just strikes me as strange. She became so angry that she broke her glasses. She turned the conversation around to get sympathy. That’s the problem.

The birth control is a trigger. It makes sense that a BH would be concerned about his WW taking birth control after he had a vasectomy. She didn’t come across as understanding his pain at all. If hormonal birth control is therapeutic for her, why can’t they discuss with a doctor? There may be alternative medications, or maybe a factual discussion with a professional will get everyone on the same page.

It didn’t have to turn into the argument that it did.

She is still running this show. Why are you asking her if she will stop taking birth control?

You need to tell her to stop taking it!

And be prepared to show consequences.

Bahama-

I made her coffee, a sandwich, and carried her things out to her car. I came back inside and helped her with her jacket. She hugged me and again told me how sorry she was. I also said I was sorry for the way things turned last night. We said our I love yous and I walked her to her car. The note she left on was neutral.

All due respect but what did you hope to show by these actions?

When you are in the middle of it as you are now, you may miss the forest for the trees, you are 100% involved with the situation but we from SI can look at what is happening more forensically than emotionally.

Having arguments that she ends by crying and you apologizing, walking the dog (maybe reaching out to OM?) and breaking her glasses she has had few consequences.

Has she been tested for STDs? Have you? For a DR it should be easy for her to do that, embarrassing but easy.

Her willing to do anything you ask, stopped when you asked her to stop BC. I'll bet if you push that too far she will play the "are you a Dr? Do you know all about drugs and how they affect a woman?" card...

Eventually I think you will find your anger, and tire of her inaction.

PS-What's going on with the kids? How much do they know?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:39 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

SlowlyGoingCrazy - rational POV - and I think the escalation could be viewed as manipulative to arouse Bahama's natural rescuer.

However - if her hormones are already on tilt, it doesn't take a person much to go from zero to 60 in an instant. Stress reduces the space between stimulus and response and if she felt her ability to use a therapy she felt was essential to her equilibrium was threatened and given an ultimatum, she could have easily triggered to that response without actually thinking about manipulating Bahama to being more sympathetic. The reptilian brain does that all without conscious thought at all.

Just speaking personally as a trauma survivor who had other forms of self-harm, alcohol is enough of a trigger for me to be very guarded and fight-flight response at the ready. I don't know if familial alcohol use/abuse played a role in her trauma and self-harm rituals or not. But the smell of alcohol puts me on guard way before the behaviors associated with use do.

faithfulman - hope you never stay married to a woman going down that gradual slope from her 20s to menopause, without getting yourself educated about what you speak.

Bahama should go to her immediately scheduled GYN appointment with her, get educated by her physician BEFORE he makes demands that could have significant consequences.

She can call her GYN immediately and ask if she can go off or what are side effects, how does she wean off, etc. You don't have to make an appointment to ask a question.

Bahama - why did you get the vasectomy? Did she want to go off the pill to begin with? Or was this your choice? Either way I 100% understand why this bothers you and it is very telling that she isn't trying to help you.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:27 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

As we've seen here how a wayward will twist what a therapist tells him/her to suit a narrative that gaslights a betrayed spouse, I've encouraged Bahama to actively participate in the GYN appointment for the very reason that he gets the facts straight from the doc and not through his WW's filters. She's totally capable of going to the doctor on her own. I'm suggesting Bahama participate to remove the suspicion (or confirm it) of what's being suggested here as her motives for the drug, as well as alternatives, consequences of long term use, sudden stoppage and other issues related to aging and changing hormones for women.

I agree with those recommending restoring the deleted texts.

1. take her phone - she'll be willing to do this

2. let her know you're going to run recovery software on it.

3. her face at that moment will tell you even if you have to. it'll give away what is deleted.

Have a VAR on - she may physically attack you for the phone.

k81a raises some very legitimate medical concerns for your WW’s medical need for yaz. I’m not a physician and I will not hazard an uneducated guess and say she has to get rid of them. I am aware of a WS’s ability to manipulate. But on the safe side I would push to do what k81a has suggested and attend the GYN appointment with your WW. It will give you actual facts concerning her medical need for yaz as opposed to uneducated guesses. Good luck.

I don't disagree about going to the doctor together.

Bahama,

Your wife should talk to a doctor before just going off of BC pills. However, remorse IMO would look like this:

You: I want you off the BC, you went on it in secret to fuck someone else without getting pregnant and I am very upset about it and it is triggering upset feelings for me.

Her: Let me call my doctor and ask what we need to do.

She can talk to the doctor about how to safely come off of them and then you guys can go to the doctor together. But the main issue here is that she isn't doing those things she is breaking shit and having a fit and then you are babying her and losing the plot because you are so afraid for her to be upset. And at the end of it YOU did not get what you need. Yeah maybe she can't go off today but what is her plan to make this better for you?

And then of course you follow what the doctor advises. But she should be doing the work to help you is the main point here.

Forget about all this discussion on how the BC pills help with menopause etc.

She admitted to taking the BCs out of fear of getting pregnant by her AP.

They were not prescribed for menopause or any other fancy medical reason that some are suggesting here.

Bahama is asking his WW to remove a trigger, she is refusing.

I just went to the gym to force some exercise. Her AP's truck was in the parking lot. It bothered me but I said to myself he's the one who should be scared to run into me. As I was leaving the parking lot literally driving towards the exit I had to pass his truck and he walked out to get into it when I was about 100' away. I just stopped. He looked up, knew it was me and quickly got inside. I just drove past him without even a glance that way.

I was already thinking of returning to more of the 180. My gut is saying she's not fully committed to fixing this. I'm not going to rush to something rash that I can't take back right now. I want to let the dust settle, but my efforts to comfort and be there for her are taking a nose dive.

So I just checked my email and she sent me one from her work with a couple of job postings in it. Are you f-ing kidding me!? I'm in no position to look at a job. I don't even feel safe with her again.

Actions I plan to take.

- I bought the book "How to help your spouse heal after your affair." At the moment I showed it to her a few days ago now she scoffed at the subtitle "A pocket guide for the unfaithful." I need to insist she read it. She keeps saying she doesn't know what to do, well I'm going to inform her this is where she should start and that by reading it she will learn some other things she should do.

- I'm going to back off the BC pills for now. I may clarify how long she's been on them and calmly let her know it's a trigger for me. I almost poured them out into the toilet last night, but came to my senses that it wouldn't accomplish anything. She needs to be the one to take action. I can only tell her how I feel.

- She goes for her first IC on Thursday. I'm going to 180 and back off on both the confrontations and also the affections at least until then. You are all correct that she may be playing me. I'm not going to initiate contact with her in any way. If she cares she needs to come to me.

- She doesn't want to talk about the A with me. I get that. It's hard for both of us. However, last night I expressed that I HAVE to know some more details to feel safe and begin to rebuild trust. When the timing is right I'm going to ask for this again. If she won't give it to me, I'm going to let her know that the OBS and even possibly her AP are willing to. I told her I wanted to keep this in house and stop talking to the OBS as much but if she won't do the hard work I'm going to find out more details one way or another.

One day at a time, one moment at a time.

D-Day 2/22/19

Confrontation 2/25/19

Currently in a very dark place.

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:55 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

faithfulman - hope you never stay married to a woman going down that gradual slope from her 20s to menopause, without getting yourself educated about what you speak.

Bahama should go to her immediately scheduled GYN appointment with her, get educated by her physician BEFORE he makes demands that could have significant consequences.

K8LA - Actually I am very familiar with women going into menopause.

Thanks for the interaction, but I am not interested in constructing excuses or "possible scenarios" for Bahama's wife to continue to gaslight and abuse him.

FACT Bahama's wife got on the birth control so she can fuck her affair partner and not get knocked up. She could be going through menopause or perimenopause but that doesn't sound like it to me.

In fact the average age for perimenopause is 51 and I think it is quite presumptuous to assume especially considering she went on the birth control to have sex with another man.

Maybe I missed it - but I don't recall Bahama stating she was going through menopause or perimenopause.

Did she find that there were some other benefits to birth control? Perhaps.

But that was not the reason she was on it at any point if we want to live in the world of reality as opposed to "it might be possible that...".

All this worrying about what will happen to her if she goes off her "sex without consequences pills" is pure bullshit.

If that was truly her concern she would have told him about it OR said, "I will get off of them but I need to find an alternative for my acne and moods".

Forget about all this discussion on how the BC pills help with menopause etc.

She admitted to taking the BCs out of fear of getting pregnant by her AP.

They were not prescribed for menopause or any other fancy medical reason that some are suggesting here.

Bahama is asking his WW to remove a trigger, she is refusing.

Exactly. I don't know why anyone is inventing reasons for Bahama's wife to stay on her sex affair birth control pills.

Call me bad names if you want, and I really fear triggering Bahama. He seems like a great guy.

I hope I'm wrong, but, I'm going with Occam's razor here. There may be a very simple reason why she doesn't want to go off B.C. right now, even after offering to.

It does not make for a great next chapter in Bahama's story.

[This message edited by ARock at 2:04 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

So I just checked my email and she sent me one from her work with a couple of job postings in it. Are you f-ing kidding me!? I'm in no position to look at a job. I don't even feel safe with her again. I hope she's not just trying to get herself into a better position should this come to D. I'm not blind to that possibility.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. **OF COURSE you aren't in a position to look for a job right now. She is out of her mind.**

I cannot for the life of me understand why you have not yet gone to a lawyer.

Edited to add - you do not have to file just TALK TO A LAWYER. See what your options are. See if it is in your best interest to wait to get a job until you decide what you want to do. But please please please go see a lawyer.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 2:06 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Bahama - HACKING HER PHONE

1) USE FONELAB - NOT DR. FONE, IT SUCKS.

Her finger print is probably just one way to open her phone. If it is an iPhone it also has a passcode you might be able to figure out.

If it is a Samsung, it may also have a "security pattern" you can spy and recall.

In any case ALL OF HER ELECTRONICS, ACCOUNTS, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE UNLOCKED AND AVAILABLE TO YOU AT ALL TIMES! YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL PASSWORDS AND ACCESS AT ANY MOMENT, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!!!

You keep giving her choices. You need to start telling her what's what.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:15 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS

Only you can make this decision, I think the smart move is to serve her divorce papers.

If she wants to stay with you then you will be showing her consequences and that you are serious and that SHE needs to be the one who steps up to take action to fix the marriage, get of the birth control, stop lying to you etc.

And if she doesn't want to stay with you or isn't willing to do the work then you have made a move that gives you the advantage, allows you to reclaim some of the self-respect she stole from you, show her you are not to be trifled with, and most importantly, puts you on the path to healing and moving on with your life.

Divorce takes a while. If you want to stop the proceedings you always have that option.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 PM, October 14th (Monday)]