SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, scooby. Welcome!

Thank you,

Kids have been wrapping me in cotton wool,

So I’m trying to step back a little for some independence,

Not as easy as I thought it would be,

Sunday’s suck!!

Where are you at scooby? Last I read was that you had a good vacation on your own.

Been dropping in and reading and have seen a rash of posts in Wayward section emphasizing that a WS who would have decided to divorce their BS rather than have an affair would have caused just as much as pain and suffering as their affair did and was the reason a marriage ended. So basically deducing that going out honestly is just as bad or destructive as blowing it all up by lying, cheating and screwing around. Have I entered the twilight zone or something? Are people really this delusional?

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 4:34 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Welcome speed bump and scooby, glad you are here!

Tallgirl - I think about whacking my husband ALL THE DAMN TIME. On DDay 2 I went crazy and threw my phone at him and then started trying to throw his suitcase (that I told him to start packing) at him. The rage is so primal. Now I just want to smack him and tell him how stupid he is.

Are people really this delusional

I saw that thread. SMDH. The thing is, they are just cowards. Many don't want a divorce. They want to cake eat. So the outcome never would have been divorce. I know my husband didn't ever consider divorcing me. He apparently thought he should just take up the offer of a new vagina, and that would make him feel good. After all, he was a martyr. The amazing husband, father and provider. He DESERVED that new vagina. I'd rather 1000% that he would have just told me ANY of those thoughts. Or just up and left. Much better than what trauma and hurt he has brought into my life and my kids' lives. None of us will ever be the same. I'd have been hurt in a divorce, but not existentially damaged. My faith, my relationships with friends and family, my joy, would have been left untouched. But infidelity has rocked my entire foundation and understanding of life and people. Ripped me apart. Delusional and self-serving is anyone who thinks that betrayal isn't worse than just a divorce.

Re: The pain would be the same. Fuck. That. Shit.

One of my sisters' and I were married the same year. Her husband decided he wanted a divorce after almost 34 years of marriage. He felt he didn't love her any more. My sister was devastated.

Now, I was already a BS. My sister, nor anyone in my family, knows about my FWH's betrayal of me and she didn't know at the time she was crying on my shoulder that I was still trying to recover from infidelity. That was okay, I was happy to be a support to dear sister.

I can tell you, though, that her situation was different, still very painful. The feelings she was describing to me were the same in some ways, but also very different in others. She healed much faster than I did. Now, that can be a difference in personality, but she didn't have the feelings of not being able to "measure up", being replaced by something better or different, and/or the feelings of being compared to someone else. I know my sister did feel betrayed on a certain level that he broke his promises that he made on their wedding day. I just have got to say that her feelings of betrayal weren't as visceral as mine were.

Anyhoo, that bullshit by WS's is just rationalizations. My FWH said his thoughts were exactly that: What Milkshake doesn't know can't or won't hurt her. It IS cake eating and it IS cowardly. They can't or won't own their shit. They are still thinking like waywards. ETA: Didn't finish my thought here. Because they don't want to face and pay the consequences of their betrayal of the one they are supposed to love, support and keep safe. They can't face what POS they truly are. Having to look me in the eye and tell me all the shitty stuff he did was the most humiliating and shameful thing my FWH had to do. The pain he said he saw in my eyes was something he couldn't ever bare to see again. They want to avoid all that shit by cake eating.

Fuck. That. Shit.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:55 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Haven’t seen that thread yet. Just got back from white water rafting.

The rafting was fun. We actually talked on the way home. He certainly didn’t want to but we got through it. He was Candid and did less evasive moves.

I triggered the entire time but I will say I felt better after talking. I told him I was fighting curling up in a ball and sobbing. He seemed to understand. He said he could see my struggling.

So was it a good idea? I think. I got to say a few things.. he listened. Anger was under control. Had some fun. Had some tears. Got some sun and had some good food. It was reasonable.

I feel ok. Which these days I will take.

TH, I'm glad your trip was ok. You seem to do lots of fun things. First, kickboxing class (or whatever it was) and now whitewater rafting!

I read a bit of that thread about D vs. cheating. I was like, SMH! I've been divorced. That was nothing compared to the pain of betrayal. I didn't have kids with my first husband, and we hadn't bought a house or anything, but still.

I agree with SMS and TX. It's a way for the WSes to minimize what they did. Most are cake eaters. They didn't want to D. My fch never wanted a D. He didn't want to leave or replace me. He just wanted to feel good.

Every once in a while, I log out so I can read the wayward forum, usually when I get a hint of something on another forum. I quickly remembered why I got banned and am glad I was.

I don’t recall a lot of the details but I do know I did attack my WH physically abt 3weeks after I ‘watched’ the videos, he literally just stood there & took it, he’s 6.4 I’m 5.6, I punched, kicked then grabbed his face screaming WHY, all he said was sorry over & over again, I was dragged away sobbing uncontrollably by my twins (early 20’s)

I’m sorry they were there to witness it but I’m not sorry I done it. I don’t condone violence but after EVERYTHING I had been through over the yrs I snapped!

TG,

Solo holiday was absolutely amazing, already looking to take another 1 early next year, met some awesome people, also had to avoid a couple ‘couples as the husbands were a little to friendly for my liking!! Even still I highly recommend it for anyone looking for new beginnings/finding themselves.

I’m glad you enjoyed your rafting,,

SB,

I too have seen that thread, found myself triggering ALOT so I came out of there,

Hell, I wish like crazy my WH just left or divorced me, I would still have a little respect for him if he had owned his shit instead of being the deceitful lying pervert he is!

Thank you TX, it’s nice to be here.

DD turned up last night to take her turn to babysit mum, I’m now wondering if they are doing this for me or themselves,

Sunday’s are my only day off, usually visit with 1 or all of my tribe, yesterday I put my foot down & said I had plans for myself, that they have to concentrate on their own families & let me gain more independence from them. I don’t want to hurt there feelings though.

SMS

Re: The pain would be the same. Fuck. That. Shit.

Thank you and thank god for saying that. I really thought I was losing my mind but then the entire world is upside down to me right now so I walk around thinking, "Wow, how have I gotten almost everything wrong? I must really be effed up that I don't see it that way." It has really messed with my mind and I'm honestly dumbstruck anyone believes that crap.

I equate it to the death question - "would you rather die quietly in your sleep or tortured slowly while being restrained, fingers cut off one at a time, then your toes, feet, hands, arms, legs before you were finally and mercifully killed....while your children watched?" Seriously, I see it that black and white. Hmmmm, let me think about that one for a minute because the choice is a tough one.

I get it...people are gonna hurt when asked for a divorce because we just do. Some will take it better than others, some will deal with the children well and, if able to remain civil, cooperative and supportive for the children, life lessons can be taught in dealing with and overcoming adversity. It doesn't have to be a total war zone and trauma room.

Don't for a second think in the case of "to affair or not affair" that the ends justify the means if both roads lead to pain, some suffering and eventual D. What a load of wayward crap if I've read, heard or seen any before.

Thank you, Womenz. I needed to know I wasn't the crazy one.

On to other thoughts...

Scooby, I'm high-fiving you right now for your solo trip. It's where I want to get but my first foray into solo travel didn't end up so well. I was just miserable and I was in the Costa del Sol of Spain! Far too soon for me, I had crap for weather, I was a wreck still, really, so I was a #solotravelerfail, sorry to say. I hope to start enjoying the experience you had and will promise to plan a new trip soon.

Random 3am mind-f$%k thoughts...

Have now been telling family, friends, co-workers the state of my M and the path I'm on. Shock doesn't begin to describe the reaction from most people, mostly I think because we are so far away and people are unaware of the situation. Yesterday was speaking to a friend on the phone. They are a couples friend of ours back in the US and I was speaking to the wife. She was shocked, sad and her husband could hear so asked what's going on and she tells him, while on the phone with me. He takes phone from her and is equally shocked, hears me out for a while, getting more shocked, even though I keep it simple - "A with neighbor...dealbreaker for me, etc."

He spends the next 5-10 minutes telling me how in his conversations with WH, WH was obviously smitten with me. He would convey how proud he was of me, loved my strength, my intelligence, my ability to thrive as a mother, employee, blah blah blah. Friend said it was constant with WH to the point guys would literally say, "we know, we know, you love Speedbump!" So he was just shocked. But not as shocked as I was and am.

I would have killed to know WH ever spoke of me like that, ever really thought of me in those ways, and was able to convey such love for me to others. Why not to me? Why did I always feel a bit unsteady in his love for me? Not really good enough? Not comfortable asking for the affection I craved? Why would I hold on to every little, yet few and far between, displays of affection from him and silently wish for more, yet never feel comfortable asking for it? Why couldn't he say those things to me?

I believe in leading by example so I was always generous to him about my feelings for him - loved his work, was proud of his abilities, totally trusted is decision-making for all things related to construction, etc, in our home life. Told him often how handsome I found him, lucky he was my guy, etc...all things that kind of make me uneasy now, under the circumstances. And yet, even when I left the opportunity open, he never took the chance to even say, "likewise, hon."

I know. I know. It's me and my broken self to fix. It's not about him and I know this. But still I just wish, just once...

[This message edited by SpeedBump at 4:04 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

Hey there ladies. Welcome SpeedBump and Scoobydoo

Tallgirl - how'd that weekend go?

The Land of Chaos is hanging tight. Teen child out of town this week so it just WH and I at home. We shall see how this goes.

Jumping back to the STD question. I'm thankful after multiple rounds of testing after each the DDays, I am STD free.

However, we just learned of someone we know [friend's wife's relative] who got a divorce after her XWH was discovered to have been a serial adulterer and was involved in the old type "key club" groups. This started when she was pregnant. They divorced when the child was in diapers. Anyway, her XWH health was just declining no matter what anyone did, Rx he took, nothing worked long term. Yadda, yadda, yadda...and he was finally diagnoses with Syphilis. Yup! Now this woman and her son [because this went on while she was pregnant and she had a vaginal birth] are getting tested. Infidelity kills and doesn't discriminate.

Hi ladies! I’ve never posted on this thread before, I hope it’s ok for me to just join in. I read here sometimes, and I can’t even begin to to tell you how helpful it is to see others expressing some of my same thoughts.

Re: The pain would be the same. Fuck. That. Shit.

Thank you and thank god for saying that. I really thought I was losing my mind but then the entire world is upside down to me right now so I walk around thinking, "Wow, how have I gotten almost everything wrong? I must really be effed up that I don't see it that way." It has really messed with my mind and I'm honestly dumbstruck anyone believes that crap.

Yes!! Exactly my thoughts! I had to say to myself, “am I losing my mind?? (Not outside the realm of possibilities these days). How is this even a valid question/comparison??”

Coco, I read on SI just about every day, but I don’t venture in to the WW forum everyday...I have way too many AYFKM reactions, and that tells me I probably shouldn’t respond to too much over there.

Tallgirl, I’m glad you enjoyed white water rafting and had an ok weekend!

Tallgirl - Glad the weekend went ok. WWR is always a good time. Getting out in nature is a soul soother even during this mess and even with our WSes.

Scooby - I'm sorry. The thing is. I don't think As even have to do with how they really feel about us. It's entirely how they feel about themselves. Like shit. Then they grasp for whatever makes them feel better. So it sucks that he was never open and vulnerable enough to say those things to you. You deserved to hear those words.

JSS - Welcome!

Coco - Perpetual Minimizer is a synonym for a WS. I actually read the Wayward forum pretty often. Always looking to get in the head and hear the real truth of a wayward. I also want to hear that it's possible for a WS to have real remorse. And stop being an asshole. Some of them help and some of them make me think the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" is TRUTH.

I actually CANNOT do JFO. Even before this second DDay it was triggery AF for me. The pain there. The 2 x 4 s (which I got on my very first day here - and people were telling me I was an idiot for believing my WH's unbelievable story). I think it's the PTSD. I literally start having panic attacks if I read a story even mildly similar to mine. So I stay away.

Had a weird weekend. Lots of time with WH and kids. Lots of nights talking about his A. About divorce. About how to help me feel safe. About feeling hopeless. We saw the MC. She recommended doing neurobiofeedback. Thinks it will help heal some of this trauma. I am STUCK and need to try something different. The journaling, talk therapy and EMDR that helped me before the real truth reveal is just not doing it for me. I am having NO connection to any emotion except for grief and I need to change that. I just cannot let WH's affair take the rest of my life away from me. I want and deserve to enjoy my kids, my family, my friends and my life. Whether I am with him or not!

I'm high-fiving you right now for your solo trip. It's where I want to get but my first foray into solo travel didn't end up so well. I was just miserable and I was in the Costa del Sol of Spain! Far too soon for me, I had crap for weather, I was a wreck still, really, so I was a #solotravelerfail, sorry to say. I hope to start enjoying the experience you had and will promise to plan a new trip soon.

High Five back SB, do it, don't let that experience put you off, remember that quote "If at 1st you don't succeed" TRY & TRY AGAIN,

when your ready It'll be worth it.

WH was obviously smitten with me. He would convey how proud he was of me, loved my strength, my intelligence, my ability to thrive as a mother, employee, blah blah blah

This hit me very hard SB,

My STBXH put me on a pedestal to everyone & anyone willing to listen to it, How much he 'loved' me, How 'Great' I was, How 'lucky' he was, How he was punching so high, However it didn't stop him having multiple A's & I'll never know how many ONS's, didn't stop his Manipulations, or his Abuse...'sigh'

Now I sit & chuckle when friends remind me of those times,

I just say "That was his verbal diarrhoea" he couldnt turn it off,

Thank you Chaos,

Its great to be here.

Today I am 19 stones lighter....I Feel bloody fantastic

WH was obviously smitten with me. He would convey how proud he was of me, loved my strength, my intelligence, my ability to thrive as a mother, employee, blah blah blah

This hit me very hard SB,

My STBXH put me on a pedestal to everyone & anyone willing to listen to it, How much he 'loved' me, How 'Great' I was, How 'lucky' he was, How he was punching so high, However it didn't stop him having multiple A's & I'll never know how many ONS's, didn't stop his Manipulations, or his Abuse...'sigh'

Same here. Lots of post dday discussions related to him not appreciating me and his saying how much he always complimented me to others (...and most likely to posow... ) But, I believe he did this because it made HIM look good. It had nothing to with me. He was always showing off our house, our kids accomplishments, and putting on a good show for others when we were in public. He wanted to be the guy who had it all.

Re: The pain would be the same. Fuck. That. Shit.

I had to walk (my eyes) away from that post about affair vs. divorce. What horse shit. I can't even believe the audacity. But then again...

I haven't posted much lately, was TRYING to take a break, I just rely on this site too much still, I guess.

You all a wonderful group of ladies, sorry we are here, but am thankful to have people who really understand...

edited because I hit submit too soon...

[This message edited by onthefence123 at 12:33 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Scooby, do you mean kilos?

Me I gained, that bastard.

Filled out the wrinkles at least.

What was the name of that thread?

TallGirl,

I laughed out loud at that...nope not Kilo's, I'm talking actual STONES a whole 19 of them

You obviously haven't seen my last post to my Thread.

I wholeheartedly agree with you OTF, It made them look good while they act like A**H****...another deep 'sigh'

edited to correct a spelling mistake..obviously now I'm officially single I can't spell!!!

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 1:08 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

So...is it wrong that I'm thinking "I hope Scooby threw those 19 stones at her WH head [or privates] - I mean with 19 you could mix them up a bit"

And on a tangent can we call your STBXH Scooby-Dum?

TG

What was the name of that thread?

If you're talking about the one I alluded to, it's in wayward near the top.