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Okay so I've been a bit busy lately - work and all. We went to the MC yesterday. It was an introductory session, so we spent a lot of time going over history. We both have individual therapy sessions on Tuesday - which I'm looking forward to. She seemed nice. My wife had expressed that she was 'afraid of getting attacked', whatever that means, and this lady didn't attack her. It was more of a question and answer session than anything else. She emphasized making no snap decisions about anything and that after we've had time to adjust to the crisis then we could make decisions about whichever way we want to go. She suggested a book for my wife to read.

In the session my wife said that she had broken up with him - the same as she's told me - and the therapist essentially said good and that if he tries to get in contact then my wife is supposed to tell him to lay off while we decide what to do. Fine, whatever, but I don't actually believe she's stopped talking with him. She's showing a lot of guilt/regret, but not a lot of remorse.

I want to get to that individual session and just express what I need to express. I did express a lot in the prior session, FTR.

Stevesn:

Sorry, it’s been a while. I’m finally getting caught up here after a busy last weekend.

No worries - not a lot has changed.

Do I have it right that you guys are going to MC today? Sorry if I’m off base on that.

So after reading all that’s gone on with your interactions with her this last week, I think the advice I have is that since nothing has really changed effectively in her attitude, that I wouldn’t change much in my stance.

And what I mean by that is that, I’ve still heard nothing that says she doesn’t love the OM, and nothing that makes you feel she doesn’t love him more than she loves you. Maybe she does love you more, but she hasn’t done much at all to prove it.

I agree with all of this.

And so the stance of “I’m not going to be in a relationship where I have to share my wife’s affections” is still the right one.

That’s the main message. Everything else is just ancillary.

If she can’t make you feel like you are her one and only. And if she’s just going to live life staring out a window thinking of what might have been with the POSOM, then what kind of relationship is that?

Agreed. I told the counselor something like this. I said something to the effect that I don't want to be married to the woman I see in front of me now. That I'm not sharing and I'm definitely not going to be with someone who pines away for the OM.

And if the MC can take the position that there’s nothing to fix in the M while her heart is elsewhere, then great. But if she (I think the MC is a she) is going to try and work on marital issues before addressing that big fat elephant in the room, then I wouldn’t waste my time.

I haven't gotten that feeling from the MC, but it's early. The MC recognizes that the marriage is in crisis because of the affair, or at least seems to.

Has your WW even mentioned the letter and list of requirements to even attempt R? If not, that usually means they are not up for that work and are hoping the MC will help get you to rug sweep the whole thing and get you to continue to stay in a limbo M, change everything she thinks you did wrong and pretend to change a few things on her side and never speak of the A again while she surreptitiously checks his social media pages dreaming of him a little bit each day and wondering how she can connect with him behind your back someday again. Sorry for the long run on sentence, but it’s true.

No, but I plan on bringing that up in the individual session.

So if it were me, I’d be very simple in terms of working in MC. “I cannot work to reconcile and rebuild a marriage with a woman who is in love with and pining away for another man. That won’t work for me.”

No discussion of who didn’t communicate well before the A or who didn’t show affection. None of that matters. Someday it would, if she did real work to make you feel safe again. But she instead is asking you to make her feel safe first before she will falsely try to make you feel safe. That will never work.

Yes, this is true.

Honestly if it were me I’d still be telling her, you love the OM more then me, so please, feel free, go be with him. It’s clear he’s your true love and I am not. Make it plain and clear.

So best to stay the course of moving on until you see it happen. If she knows your serious about ending your relationship because she’s frankly not the woman you married who vowed to protect you above all others, then maybe she will figure out finally that it’s her own actions that will cause her to lose you and that if she truly doesn’t want that, she needs to finally show it.

Yeah, I'm still in the course of getting my ducks in a row so to speak. Get my finances in order, get information about things, and more research. There's still miles to go.

In the meantime, you can be halfway down the road to self respect, and a new path to happiness before that happens. And if it ever does, you’ll be in a much better position to decide if you even care to try with her if she finds true remorse.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I very much appreciate it. Right now it just feels like I'm buying time for the inevitable, if that makes sense. I do not want to be married to the woman in front of me today. Even if she changed, it's a tough sell - there's a lot of damage to over come.

Yup, which is why the advice is always to observe their actions rather than hear what they say.

To paraphrase: "The Victim-Force is strong in this one....."

Yeah. I'm tempted to say to her that she'll know what I'm going through once I leave and he does this to her.

the therapist essentially said good and that if he tries to get in contact then my wife is supposed to tell him to lay off while we decide what to do

What? She told her to tell her boyfriend to wait for her while she decides who she wants.

That is not NC. That's "hold on for a minute. "

And she was afraid she would be attacked. Lol. That says she sees herself as the victim. That says she believes the affair is not her fault. It's your fault,and she doesn't want to be blamed for it.

Seriously. MC with an extremely unremorseful WW is a waste of time. And it also allows her to see where you are vulnerable, so she can manipulate you.

It doesn't matter how good the MC is. Your wife is nowhere near ready for MC.

What? She told her to tell her boyfriend to wait for her while she decides who she wants.

That is not NC. That's "hold on for a minute. "

That does sound like that - but I was paraphrasing the therapist (of course it could be a distinction without a difference). The therapist was essentially saying that my wife and I have 6 months - that there should be no contact. That we have to figure out if we can work together or go our separate way and that the boyfriend is interfering with that.

And she was afraid she would be attacked. Lol. That says she sees herself as the victim. That says she believes the affair is not her fault. It's your fault,and she doesn't want to be blamed for it.

Yes, she does. I think that she might internally believe that it wasn't her fault, but she's saying it is. Once again though, words not actions.

Seriously. MC with an extremely unremorseful WW is a waste of time. And it also allows her to see where you are vulnerable, so she can manipulate you.

It doesn't matter how good the MC is. Your wife is nowhere near ready for MC.

I'm betting you are correct. That said, I still want to do the one on one with the therapist.

and the therapist essentially said good and that if he tries to get in contact then my wife is supposed to tell him to lay off while we decide what to do.

The therapist is there to help you sort things out and not be emotional about it. Like a referee.

If telling your WW to ignore her BF for a while it's easier than saying NC forever, as that is up to WW, instead of I will never do that again it's easier to say I won't to that today or tomorrow. Everyday until it is a habit.

The best thing out MC did for us was not take sides and say, "and then what" or "how did that make you feel" and demanded answers when we were both shutting down.

On the show "Frasier", Woody asks the doc if he charges $200 an hour to just say "What do you think?" to his patients. Frasier replied, "What do you think?"

If your wife is serious about earning her way back into the marriage, you should see the following actions. Remorseful spouses:

• are non defensive

• have examined their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• have accepted their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• did not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• showed genuine contrition and remorse for what they did

• made amends and apologized to loved ones

• apologized often, especially the first two years

• listened with patience and validated their spouses’ pain

• have allowed their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respected the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• sought to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• have kept no secrets

• did not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• were willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently checked in with spouses as to how they were doing

• were aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• were willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• did not minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• committed themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

I agree she seems more regretful than remorseful.

Your WW needs to understand that it is too bad if she is given some serious feedback by the MC. I went the MC route in early discovery and, when the MC found out about my husband's continued lying, he went postal on him. My WH was informed that he was a liar and and infant that it would take a year of hard work before he was able to begin to be a man. I was told that he was a liar and I should not believe anything he said, to watch his actions instead. There was a lot more said, and it was very effective in popping WH's head the remaining way out of his ass. Your WW blew up your world. She needs to understand that there are unpleasant consequences to this and she needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with it. If she is worried about being attacked, too effing bad. Maybe she should not have participated in an affair.

Not much of an update, I have an individual session with the Marriage Counselor tomorrow. I got some help with some of the questions. Basically I want to get some things off my chest and the way I see it this is a waste of time. I've been looking up mediators and they are expensive. The cheapest is something like $350 an hour - but compared to divorce lawyers and all that, I guess it's cheap.

The best thing out MC did for us was not take sides and say, "and then what" or "how did that make you feel" and demanded answers when we were both shutting down.

That might be helpful but honestly I just feel like I'm Sisyphus pushing a rock up a hill. I just don't want to do it any more.

My wife thinks that she's different, that what she's going through is so complex, that she's suffering, that I have no idea what she's going through. All I'm hearing is 'me, me, me'. It's like, what the fuck? Who the fuck are you?

If your wife is serious about earning her way back into the marriage, you should see the following actions. Remorseful spouses:

I don't think she's remorseful.

• are non defensive

Mostly no. There are occasions when she's not.

• have examined their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

Eh, somewhat. She doesn't blame me.

• have accepted their roles as healers to their wounded partners

Nope.

• did not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

She definitely resisted.

• showed genuine contrition and remorse for what they did

She showed guilt and regret.

• made amends and apologized to loved ones

She's apologized to me a few times. As to others, I don't know.

• apologized often, especially the first two years

Nope.

• listened with patience and validated their spouses’ pain

Maybe somewhat.

• have allowed their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

Maybe somewhat.

• respected the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

Nope.

• sought to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

Nope.

• have kept no secrets

Hard to tell since I don't know the potential secrets. She's not open and honest with me though.

• did not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

I haven't found this to be an issue, but time will tell. No one knew about it except for them.

• were willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

She's vague and 'doesn't remember' a lot.

• frequently checked in with spouses as to how they were doing

Nope, I hardly hear from her.

• were aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

I'm not entirely sure about this one.

• were willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

Don't know yet.

• did not minimize the damage the affair had on the children

She doesn't seem to minimize the damage, so I guess that's one full plus. Maybe.

• committed themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

Not really. At this point she's like the CEO of Eggos, she waffles so much.

Alright so here's the scoop. I found out that, pretty much, every word out of her mouth was complete bullshit. She has been attempting to stall me - hoping to get 6 months so that she can be better prepared to cut the chord.

I've cancelled the Marriage Therapy - although, in the future, I might contact the therapist for myself, but not until I'm out and comfortable or whatever. Not for a while.

I contacted a mediator - and told my wife to contact the same one. The mediator is also a lawyer. She's a bit pricey - I'm figuring about 5k after all is said and done. My wife will be paying some of that. Hopefully that will start the second week of February.

I've already been looking into places to live. It sucks, I wish I could find cheaper, but I think I can manage. My dream is to have the mediation documents done by the end of February and to be moving in March.

So this all sucks, it's painful, and hard to manage - but I feel clearer than I have. The small amount of hope that lingered in me is finally dead, I think.

I plan on 'talking' with her about the arrangements, the kids, finances. Hopefully a lot over text. I do not plan on talking to her anymore about relationship bullshit. I also do not plan on being her emotional tampon or anything like that.

I want things to be amicable, but I am not her friend.

I'm sorry things took this turn.

How did you find out she was lying to you and stalling? You probably weren't shocked by this revelation, all of her ACTIONS were telling you this.

I would recommend you go to someone else for IC for yourself. If you really liked the counselor, you decide, but it might be better to have a clean slate.

Congratulations in standing up for yourself and taking control. Seems that you have been plenty patient and your WW never took steps necessary to show you she was serious about R.

Unfortunately that's often the reality of what a WS who refuses to give up their AP is doing. They're trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage with as few consequences as possible. Putting themselves into a better financial situation, spinning a narrative of how terrible the marriage is to friends and family and how controlling and jealous the BS is, setting up a new life with AP, etc. It's a small blessing that you found this out now and not 6 months from now when you thought you were in R, she's got her ducks in a row to leave you in a worse position in D, and suddenly your friends and family seem distant.

You're doing a good job. Stay the course. You will thrive once this is all over.

Tigersrule77 - yes, it sucks, but the clarity of truth and what has to be is a little liberating. I know that I'm in for pain in the coming year. This will not be easy.

But I know what I must do. I will probably see a IC - and I do like this counselor - but I need to get my shit sorted. That's my number one priority.

I feel that I was more than accommodating and all I got back was gas-lighting and lies. Manipulation, dishonesty, and a sharp realization of who the fuck did I marry?

nekonamida - Yes, she is/was probably trying to figure that out. Fuck it and fuck her though, no more gas-lighting, no more lies, no more turmoil for me. Yeah, I'm in for a hard road. I know there will be pain. This won't be easy, but at least I will keep my sanity.

Yes, I'm glad that I found out now and not in 6 months.

Also, another option has come on the table. I told my parents. They have a big house with enough rooms for my kids and I to each have one. I wouldn't be paying rent, I'd be getting out of the financial hole and putting myself in a better fiscal position. However:

1. My father smokes

2. They had cats - both my son and I are allergic to cats

3. I'm 41. I can do this on my own. It wouldn't be as comfortable as getting my shit together over the next year, but I could do it.

So I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

I suggest you suck it up and try to make it work on your own. I think you will be proud of yourself for doing this in the long run. However, I'm no expert and it's just an opinion.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 8:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

If what you say (marking time until POS and her settle) is correct, she is a very bad person. She is worse than a WS who tell BS directly that she or he is done. She wasted your time, money and emotions for many months.

No point in telling her that now and since it seems like a quick parting ways is the best option, keep the way you interact with her and prepare for a separation with the best outcome.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:41 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

Gutpunch:

I suggest you suck it up and try to make it work on your own. I think you will be proud of yourself for doing this in the long run. However, I'm no expert and it's just an opinion.

I actually think you are correct, but it's so tempting. But the smoke and the cat 'remains' (they HAD cats, the do not anymore but whenever we're over both my son and I have allergy attacks) I think are deal breakers.

I like having that option though.

goalong:

If what you say (marking time until POS and her settle) is correct, she is a very bad person. She is worse than a WS who tell BS directly that she or he is done. She wasted your time, money and emotions for many months.

No point in telling her that now and since it seems like a quick parting ways is the best option, keep the way you interact with her and prepare for a separation with the best outcome.

I completely agree. That's where my clarity has come in and the death of hope. Someone who could do this to someone else is not someone I want to be married to. I'd prefer not to have kids with them either, but that ship sailed. I love my kids.

I am a grandfather. I would do ANYTHING, including giving up a habit that is bad for my health, to support my family in time of need. Else, I could smoke outside, or in the garage as long as I smoked next to a HEPA air filter. It won't hurt to ask him.

You can mitigate cat dander throughout the house, the same way that you clean/restore a house after a fire or other catastrophic event. Some tips are below. You could hire a mitigation/restoration company to do this professionally.

Clean Your House to Rid It of Pet Dander

You'll want to take special care to remove the dander from your furniture, the carpet, and walls. Obviously, the more you clean, the more you reduce allergens in your home.

Wash your walls and ceiling with hot soapy water.

Use a vacuum with a HEPA filter and vacuum everything. This is especially important in crevices where dander becomes trapped such as around baseboards, windowsills, draperies and even lamp shades. Don't forget to vacuum your cat's bedding and play area.

Operate an air cleaner with a HEPA filter in your bedroom and main living areas.

Steam clean carpets and upholstery periodically.

Use an anti-mite product such as X-Mite to remove mites and dander from upholstery and carpets.

Use anti-mite covers on your bed.

Change/clean your furnace filters every three months.

Add a layer of cheese cloth over the furnace vent in your bedroom to provide additional filtering of dander from your furnace. Launder the cloth at least once a month, depending on the severity of your allergy.

Drastic Solutions to Get Rid of Cat Dander

Sometimes, simply cleaning your house thoroughly is not going to do the trick. This is especially true for non-cat owners who end up living in a home that was previously owned by cat-owners. If your find that even with your best attention, your allergies are still acting up, you may need to take more drastic measures.

Repaint the interior of your house every few years.

Replace or completely remove carpeting whenever practical.

Consider replacing any fabric furniture with furniture in leather or vinyl. Fabric tends to trap dander, and vinyl and leather are easier to clean.

Have your furnace and duct work professionally cleaned twice a year.

Possibly, you could make it work to help you financially and emotionally (with grandparents in the house). In addition, you could be adding years to your father's time on earth and let him (and grandma) have a much closer relationship to your child. Win, Win, Win.

PassThis - thank you - that's very helpful actually.

Possibly, you could make it work to help you financially and emotionally (with grandparents in the house). In addition, you could be adding years to your father's time on earth and let him (and grandma) have a much closer relationship to your child. Win, Win, Win.

This is one thing that I'm thinking about. My mother has already been suggesting this sort of thing. Saying that she'll be home for the kids (on her work from home days) and that she'll get to see them more.

Shit, the part about my father's time on Earth has me a bit choked up. I remember living with my grandparents and seeing them all the time when I was young. They lived real close - walking distance.

Ugh, another decision that's not easy. Thank you for your insight.

Lost:

Alright so here's the scoop. I found out that, pretty much, every word out of her mouth was complete bullshit. She has been attempting to stall me - hoping to get 6 months so that she can be better prepared to cut the chord.

How did you find this out? A new discovery? Undisclosed data? Or just a moment of painful clarity? When you use found out it sounds like you discovered some brand new fact. I've read your comments and I'm not seeing where you address this. Did you discover recent texts between her and the BF describing her plans for the next six months?

In any event, I'm sorry, mostly, that it had to come to this. I thought there might have been some hope, but you have to have someone on your side, and it clearly isn't your STBXW. That's just awful.

TheLostOne2020,

I am very sorry that you find yourself in these horrible circumstances. I posted some of the comments below on another thread, but I feel that they are equally applicable to your situation. As always, consult your lawyer so that you do nothing that is adverse to your legal circumstances.

You are in the right mindset as you have now decided to move to the end-game. File for divorce and/or have a filed separation agreement where terms and conditions for boundaries are clearly set forth, that your financial affairs are segregated, and custody arrangements are clear (access for you and NC with OM at all for kids, etc.). At the least, have your lawyer serve her with a letter informing her that the 365 day clock has officially been started. You need to do something (!) seriously symbolic that she has started the beginning of the end. That makes the fact that you will divorce certain.

Your children will also see this as an act for which they can respect you. They are young, but they will get it when they get older.

You owe her nothing, you don't have to deal with her at all. You can ask that all further communication be only about joint finances and the children and should be through your attorney, by email or text only, or any means that you prefer.

Unless you decide to move in with your parents, or find another home for you and your children, tell her, in a cold steel whisper, that she is not welcome in your home. (That is not demanding that she move out. You are just strongly suggesting that she do so.) She has terminated you as her husband and now you owe her nothing, and will give her no time, no attention, no support, no favors, nothing. (Except for matters regarding the children). When she tries to engage with you bring to your mind Rhett's parting words to Scarlett, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

I suggest that you consider the grey rock method (or "arctic zone 180") , where you become emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually act like a rock. The grey rock method takes away any and all vestiges of emotional "kibbles" and attention. It separates you from any further emotional damage and starts you down the path of a good, happy life without her.

In order to implement the grey rock method, a person needs to minimize conversations and verbal exchanges as much as they can. While interactions should always be avoided when possible, any contact should only relate to joint finances and the children's needs. You should reply with minimal and short responses to limit further conversation. You should try to only provide one word answers without elaboration or opinion. You can utilize nonverbal responses such as nodding and smiling to avoid further engagement.

It is important that you use the grey rock method never provide any details regarding your personal life. It is critical that you do not communicate to your STBXW what you are doing without her. You should only respond with facts whenever possible, as facts are difficult to challenge or argue. You should stay away from discussing the past, as old arguments can be resurrected.

I think now is the time you take your ring off, if you have not already. That will send a powerful message to her that you are done with her betrayal and disrespect. You owe her nothing. Since she "fired" you, you should not wear a ring which is an emblem of love through time, a symbol of devotion and an agreement between two parties to love and cherish one another for the rest of their days.

Please cut her off from all financial support by you. Cancel all joint credit cards. If you have not done so already, set up a separate bank account for you. Make your deposits to your account which she can't access. Make sure that all marital money spent on her affair/OM is accounted for and reimbursed by her in any financial settlement. Consult with your lawyers about your not being liable for any debt that she incurs during separation.

She is egregiously unfair to her children to subject them to her horrible behavior. Can you arrange via any Assistance Plan or health insurance for some counseling for them? Perhaps their schools or your church can provide some support. Think about keeping them close to you, doing fun things together while excluding your WW. She left the family, she does not have the right to be included in your activities with them. She does have parental rights. Discuss with your lawyer how those parental rights can be managed. Insist that your wife keep OM away from them - no introducing him to them as part of a new family unit. Keep up the cold steel 180. She has fired you as husband, do not provide any emotional or financial support at all. She has brought all her shame upon herself. You had nothing to do with it. The same as she had done to you, put her in an arctic zone and you stay as cold as an ice cream cone (Rolling Stones reference). Keep your VAR on you for your protection.

If you do a same house separation, I suggest that you do grocery shopping for yourself and your daughter. Do not shop for your wife. Tell her that she is not welcome to the groceries that you have bought. Label the milk bottle, creamer carton, sugar, coffee, bread, and everything else (including the package of toilet paper) with a black felt-tip pen as Dad and Daughter ONLY (or just "DD"). Every time she opens the cupboard or refrigerator she will get a totally unambiguous message that she is not welcome. Whether of not she ignores the labels and "steals" your groceries (think of what she has already stolen from you), it is the message that matters. Typically, the actions that I mention in this paragraph would be considered petty. But, I think now is the time for the message to be undeniable and persistent that she is not welcome around you. I also suggest changing the wifi password, unless she pays for 1/2 of its cost. Also, shut down her mobile phone if it is on your account. She needs to go get her own.

Normally I would not be so petty, but her egregiously selfish cheating and attempting to protect her "cake" at your expense, in front of you and your children, justifies your stark, cold ghosting of her. If your WW doesn't get the message and defiantly remains in the house, I like the idea of your moving to your own apartment with your children, or moving in with your parents, but first you should consult your attorney wrt custody issues and physical separation arrangements.

Again, normally some of this would be extremely petty, but now a "shock and awe" message is needed to make sure she understands viscerally what she has done to you and your family. She is a cancer that must be cut out. A same house separation is a one-year sentence of misery for you. She doesn't seem to care and can continue to live with her despicable self, thinking that you and your children are just collateral damage (if she thinks of you, at all).

Please take full advantage of your network of family, friends, and SI supporters. Feed off their positive energy and their care for you. Many SI posters have commented on how wonderful exercise (particularly weight lifting) is to reduce stress. It is also a great way to stay away from your wife and do something fun and healthy without her. Have your friends come over to spend time with you and keep you occupied. Maybe, have them over for the Super Bowl. You don't have to invite your WW to participate. Let her watch the Hallmark Channel in her bedroom.

From KingofNothing:

You’re not paying for gas or maintenance any more. She can change her own oil. Take her off your insurance and notify her of the fact, you don’t want her to drive uninsured, but you don’t have to pay, either.

Always remember,

1. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

2. Your goal is to heal yourself and move away from infidelity.

3. Always have a VAR on you for your protection from a false DV accusation.

Sending strength and support.

Your kids are still at a tender age. If you can do mediation and get everything you need, great. But I do think you'd do well to get a morality clause in there so she can't shack up with the OM.

Lost, read Passthis's last post thoroughly. We both pretty much advocate the same 'shock and awe' tactics to convey the to the STBXW the enormity of their actions. I know it comes off as petty but she has to realize, right now, what her actions have cost her, not just you. PassThis has it all laid out pretty clearly, it's a good plan.

I would also think moving in with your parents is a good idea. You will have to soon figure out how to balance pick-up and drop-off for your kids while working. This breaks some parents. Also on your weeks, you won't have space to unwind sometimes. Grandparents usually have time for helping in these areas.

You could pay for allergy shots. It would reduce your reactions.

Also, install a whole house humidifier if they have central air. If not, just get a couple of smaller ones instead of paying rent. Then you can move in more easily. The humidity would reduce the allergens in the air. It might also help reduce the smoke in the air after your father quits. He could go to vaping to slowly quit. It has helped lots of my friends. They just need to reduce it over time and it isn't as toxic as smoking.

Shots are good because being violently reactive to something so widely around will help with both your lives.

Good job on making a decision. Once the other man is on the hook, he might disappear then expect a drastic change from your XWW at that time.