SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sammich. I agree it may seem off. I honestly haven't seen any signs of interest. He isn't just a Male friend he's my brother in law. He has always treated me as a sister. I understand what you mean by so many women are naive, but why is it everyone assumes a woman and man cannot just be friends? Is there truth behind that statement? It sounds like all men want is sex!! That cant be true for everyone. No?

Limon,
You know your BIL and obviously I don’t so I will just have to defer to your take on this particular situation. Sure I think there are instances where men and women can be just friends but I also think that for the most part, the "just friends" scenario is dictated by the woman or external road blocks like a spouse or a career to protect, etc. Since women are generally the gatekeepers of the start of a sexual relationship, if a woman is willing and there are no road blocks, sex is usually the outcome.

With respect to your BIL, I cannot judge him and don’t know what is in his heart, but he has obviously had a major roadblock for a good portion of those 20 years; his brother. He could feel deeper for you than simple sex so I wouldn’t rule out that he could be a guy that has watched and longed for you "from afar" and now the possibility begins to brighten for him. Or all that is just conjecture and he could just be a friend! My only advice is to keep your eyes open and avoid letting the relationship progress past friendship as that will truly devastate your in-laws and cause them a world of hurt and just add to your own turmoil.

Sure I think there are instances where men and women can be just friends but I also think that for the most part, the "just friends" scenario is dictated by the woman or external road blocks like a spouse or a career to protect, etc. Since women are generally the gatekeepers of the start of a sexual relationship, if a woman is willing and there are no road blocks, sex is usually the outcome.

I think it is super gross. It's offensive to both men and women.

PSTI and Sammich. PSTI I agree it just seems GROSS. I could never cross that line. I'm pregnant with my Exhusband and this is his brother. My child is coming into a crazy enough situation. It doesn't need to add a Uncle-Dad🤣

Sammich I understand your point of view. In fact my Mother in law God Bless her. She voiced her concerns with my Exhusband and I get a phone call from him. Yes it's a problem. He wasnt disrespectful or questioning my actions. But he did ask about his brother having dinner with me. I can tell by his tone it bothered him. I dont care what he thinks, were not together, but I do know he doesn't deserve to be disrespected by me. He did me wrong yes. He is paying for it. He is trying to do better in his life, and I won't be the cause of any controversy in his family. I wouldn't hurt him. I can tell he wanted to really ask a lot of questions, and I can tell he was hurt.
I will not be having my brother in law over to my house alone for dinners again. People will gossip and talk and I dont need anything else crazy in my life. I need to have a good relationship with my Ex Inlaws for the baby's sake.

I don’t think you are broken Limoncello. I think you are a strong person who had the strength and courage to make some very tough decisions.

As for your BIL, he sounds like a good friend. Period. Something my brother would do for a good friend. Something I would do for a good friend too with no ulterior motive.

Sorry you have to defend that as well.

The1stWife
Thank You. I appreciate your kind words. I dont see any motives on his part. He is just a year younger than his brother, we were all great friends. He's really close with his brother and he was just shocked and heartbroken and angry when he found out about my husbands affair. He immediately told me he would help me do whatever I needed to be ok, he's always been like a big brother to me. He's always looked put for me He is that way with all of his friends and family. He has a big heart. He agrees that maybe we didn't realize that at this time hanging around, alone may not have the best look. His parents were a little concerned, only because my Mother in law mentioned her concern to my husband.
He has the wrong idea. He hasn't accused us of anything, but he definitely asked when he called. My Ex and I have agreed it would be fine for him to call me every Sunday evening to check on me and the baby. Again, he asked, I could tell he was hurt. And like wildfire, someone has already come to him and said they heard about the dinner!!! Simply due to my BIL saying he was coming over and grilling with me.
I dont understand gossip, making something innocent and kind a scandalous affair.
To be safe and avoid confusion and rumors, I will no longer be alone with my BIL in my home. Geeze this is just crazy.

Hi Limoncello,
I'm sorry that your MIL and others are projecting their weirdness on you. YOU have done nothing wrong here - it is your husband whose conduct has been questionable.

I am very close with my husband's brother as well. He's 9 years younger than I am (11 years younger than my spouse) and given how long my now-husband and I have been together, I have LITERALLY seen him grow up. When I first met him he was actually a child - he was shorter than me, had braces on his teeth, and his voice hadn't changed yet. MANY years later and he's obviously he's an adult now - well over 6 feet and with a proper career, but I still think of him as being a younger brother. The idea of anyone suggesting anything untoward about my relationship with him is literally laughable - he is literally my family.

I grew up next door to a boy. Skinny braces & obnoxious lol. He grew into a great looking guy and a nice guy too.

He’s my oldest friend. We still keep in touch even though we have not been neighbors for 40 years.

Romantic interest? No chance. He’s my other brother lol.

If my husband had a Crystal Ball and could see the cause and affect of his affair. He would have never done what he did.

Cheaters know full-well that an affair can turn out bad, like, people get run over or shot by AP or BS bad. They just don't care. So yes, in the moment, your husband would have done the same thing.

Slight threadjack:

Cheaters know full-well that an affair can turn out bad, like, people get run over or shot by AP or BS bad. They just don't care. So yes, in the moment, your husband would have done the same thing.

I just want to push back lightly on this (and please know I'm not being a WS apologist when I say this). While I agree that cheaters understand that there are potentially bad consequences when they enter into the A - I truly think that part of the "fog" that gets them through the complete abdication of their previously held morals and values is that they truly don't consider the severity or the breadth of what these consequences could entail. Divorce is an obvious response to infidelity, but time and time again we see WS absolutely dumbfounded when faced with this as a consequence. My H knew I would be hurt or even devastated by his A - obviously this is why he kept it a secret - but he convinced himself it wouldn't hurt me because I would never find out. He spent much of his A compartmentalizing and trying not to think of what my reaction might be, because thinking about him really crushed the A-vibes. When I did find out, he was genuinely surprised at the extent of my devastation (as was I) - honestly, you can't comprehend it until you go through it.

In Limoncello's WH's case, it is fair to say that the consequences and fallout have been dramatic - even for SI standards. Does he deserve it? Yes. Should he have contemplated this when he entered into the A? Perhaps. But I believe him if he says he didn't see it going this way.

emergent8 The1stWife
I agree with you both. THE 1ST WIFE. I have no interest. I understand what you mean! He's like a brother. Plus, he's my husbands brother and that would just be the most awkward thing on earth!!
emergent8 I agree with they go into a affair knowing they will eventually get caught, and they will likely get divorced. My husband knew the risk. He didnt realize it would have such a ripple affect, that it would hurt so many people. He sent a text saying how lonely he is alone at the dinner table. He's losing his mind. He really screwed up.
I know there's no hope for us, but maybe the next woman in his life will get a better and faithful man.

I understand what you mean by so many women are naive, but why is it everyone assumes a woman and man cannot just be friends? Is there truth behind that statement? It sounds like all men want is sex!! That cant be true for everyone. No?

If he's falling for you, he isn't only after sex. My comment about him possibly having a crush on you was based on my life experience and observations. From what I've seen, men rarely give so generously of their time to women unless the woman is a close relative or they have a romantic/sexual interest in the woman. That's just the reality of what I've seen.

Maybe he's doing it strictly on a relative basis, even though you're not blood family, because he sees you as a sister. That's possible, although when couples break up, the extended families typically break up and go their separate ways, too. There are exceptions, sure, but that's the general pattern.

What feels sketchy about it is him eager to keep you company one on one. That's a bit much and it does usually lead to other things. When a man isn't interested in a women romantically/sexually, and she isn't his sister (and you're really not), he typically will not spend that kind of time with her.

Again, maybe he does see you as a sister and that's why and that's all, but you should keep your guard up, nevertheless, and also be aware of how others might see it (whether you care about their opinion or not, you don't want to be blindsided by it.)

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:56 AM, Thursday, April 28th]

I suggest we stop with the BIL bashing.

It’s disrespectful and I don’t think Limoncello needs to hear this any longer.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:44 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

It depends on the male.

When I was younger I was very good friends with a few of my close friends’ girlfriends.

One I was in classes with, so we hung out a lot. Once my friend asked that girlfriend if anything had gone on and she responded ‘I can’t even imagine it’, which was the truth. He knew it and then told me and laughed. It might have been different if she was single, but she wasn’t. Call it Bro Code but in truth she became a good friend in her own right and it and it was simply respect all round.

I get being reactive and suspicious, in the position we find ourselves in, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Duplicate sorry

[This message edited by straightup at 1:04 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

I understand the statement. I understand most men wouldn't go above and beyond for a woman, without ulterior motives. I have really laid back on the association with him. He understands why. We have always been close since our late teen yrs. Through College age, It wasnt just a regular relationship I had with the family, it was extremely close
I believe the fact I am pregnant with his Niece or nephew is also a reason he feels so willing to help me move. He also said he felt a lot of guilt, he didn't know about my husbands affair but he suspected that something was going on with my husband and this OW. He just told me all of this. He also said, my husband came to him today and asked him NOT to see his wife. Alone. So yes, it does cause issues, no matter how innocent. I love and respect my BIL and he Loves and respects me. He too agrees we should be aware of how it "looks" to others. Even my husband is suspicious. He knows I would not never cross that line. I ha e zero desire for anything romantic. I have no desire to start a relationship. My trust in men is at ZERO. I still love my husband and I'm still in shock and heart broken over losing my marriage, I couldn't go for another man if he were perfect.I am not in a good place in that department and I don't know if I ever will be all of my relationships have crashed and burned .

You will be okay. You have struck an impressive balance between compassion and conviction through this. You are a good person.

I’m sorry you have to feel all of this.

But I feel a bit of anger towards your H. He’s obviously very jealous of his brother and feels insecure about the situation. His wanting to get back together with you and your refusal is tearing him apart.

But his inference that his brother and you might have more than just a proper friendship is insulting. His fear or jealousy that is asking you not to be alone with his brother is just another indication that your H doesn’t really respect or trust you (or his brother).

Your H is of the mindset that everyone will behave like him. How sad.

Hello Limoncello,

I think your husband is just feeling sad and insecure because he loves you. You and your BIL have nothing to feel ashamed about. I agree that you are a good person and I believe your husband knows that too. I imagine he’s really just mad and frustrated at himself with the pain he’s caused you and all his loved ones.

You have been doing so well and have handled this terrible situation with grace. We are all cheering for you and your baby.

I want to thank you all so much for the encouraging comments. I have been trying so hard to Strike a balance between compassion and conviction with my Ex through this. The balance is difficult. I made the worst mistake, I was weak and I tried telling myself it's your pregnancy harmones, your not thinking clearly. But it's no excuse. I slept with my Ex Husband. I messed up, I was angry that my Ex let it happen. I have done well with keeping him at bay, I show him respect by keeping him at bay, because I know he's still inlove with me. He is hurt over blowing up our marriage. I have tried being amicable despite being betrayed. I keep him informed and updated on the health of our baby (my pregnancy) I even played back on hanging around with my BIL his brother despite us being great friends for years. Because I didnt want to be disrespectful and allow the rumors to hurt him, it was making him suddenly jealous????!!! He was upset with his brother. I was doing well. But I think I messed up when he called, when he calls I can hear the pain in his voice. I could be mean and love it! He did this to himself! But I still love my Ex.I just cannot be mean. For 20 years, we had a great relationship,I guess it's not easy to walk away. I knew after the affair I had to go away,I knew I would probably let my family and him talk me back into the marriage.
I feel like I am at square one. Now my Ex is upset because he was thinking it would lead to a reconciliation. I feel terrible, I may have led him wrong. He returned from Sicily and he was flying into NY, he had gifts from family,for the baby,and something to decorate the nursery. He checks in every Sunday with me. We talk and we've gotten to a pretty good place. He asked if he could come by,and if he could go to a checkup to hopefully find out the sex of the baby! That's how everything went south.
I just needed to vent. I made it clear to my Ex that it was a mistake. He's upset, he apologized for causing all this mess. Apologized for the affair. Now he's in the middle of purchasing a home to be closer to our child. I think my stupid choice has really complicated things.