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Hugs Ellie. Fucking Wednesday is nearly over. We got you.

There is so much crap it is Easy to have it stirred up. And it is so much up and down emotional gymnastics. insane.

Put on your sparkly bitch boots tomorrow and own fucking Thursday. You can do this Lots of hugs

((Ellie)), sometimes you have to feel it and release it.

My son is coming home for thanksgiving too. I want him to be happy and now I have a fridge, life is better.

Yay! That's all I want for my kids, that they be happy. I also know how hard that is to achieve since I have depression, too.

I had my 2nd counseling session last night. My fch was able to come. It was interesting. We did a lot of mirroring about what we said we appreciate about each other and what we hoped to get out of the counseling.

She had us do some roleplaying where my fch was himself as a boy and I was his mother. Kind of weird. I got a little sad for him as a little boy feeling like his mother had to protect him from his father.

I also realized that we have a lot of that dynamic going on in our family. My fch is not abusive in any way, shape, or form. He is rigid and tends to be more focused on rules and punishment and less understanding, empathetic, and compassionate than me. So, I feel like I spend a lot of energy shielding my kids from his rigidity.

My fch said he's not sure about the therapist. He said she seems to be very rigid in her approach. LOL She definitely has a set way of doing things. Maybe it's something we need, though. I've been asking my fch to confirm what he hears me say before responding. He has a bad habit of putting his own interpretation on what I express. He inevitably gets it wrong. So, these exercises will force him to practice really listening and confirming that he understands me.

An issue came up for him, too. He feels unimportant because I don't enforce his rules. He said that, when I question him, he feels like he's being attacked and that I am judging him and think he's an idiot. What was amusing to me was that he said it's not that I question him. It's how I question. I don't ask, "why?". I say, "How can you think that way?" First, I don't say that. Second, I deliberately stopped asking him why many years ago because he always reacted defensively. Now, he's saying it's because I don't ask why. I think maybe he doesn't realize that the issue really is that I question him at all. It doesn't matter what words I use or how I say it. I'm going to bring that up next time.

On another note, he's not wrong that i think he's an idiot. Part of the reason I question him about some things is because I don't think he has actually thought about them. He pretty much just goes along with the norm, conventional, whatever everyone else does. He is actually said that he does things because that's how they've always been done. He doesn't question any of it.

So, I question him. He doesn't have an answer because he's never thought about it. He refuses to think about it any other way, flat out rejecting my perspective. Then, yeah, he's an idiot. He says I reject his POV. How can I reject something he doesn't have? If he could explain his reasoning, I'd have something to consider.

Anyway, I've rambled and this is long. Sorry.

So my husband was unreachable yesterday for like an hour or so. When I texted him and told him that I don't like that he was unreachable he responded much later the reason why he was unable to reach out and why his phone was going straight to voicemail. He was at work, his boss had to leave for an emergency which left him in charge, and his building is made of concrete and he doesn't get service in the office. Once he explained all of this to me I felt really bad for questioning him. This is the reason why I have a hard time questioning him. He didn't say or do anything wrong, it just was what it was. But I did tell him that I felt like an "ass" for saying anything at all because of his response and he called me and we talked about it. His response in the past would have been "it is what it is" deal with it basically. But I do see positive changes and his understanding to why and how I react.

Is it Friday Yet?????

He said that, when I question him, he feels like he's being attacked and that I am judging him and think he's an idiot.

HAHAHAHA! Ummmm.... he cheated on his wife. What about that sentence doesn't equal (fucking) IDIOT??? SMDH over here.

ETA - Maybe you aren't but I sure as fuck am judging him for being a cheaty douchehole. Just saying.

Ugh C+5N. How you managed to keep it together speaks volumes to the size of your cojones dear.

HB - Yeah, him being unreachable for the foreseeable future is not ok. And you do NOT have to feel like an ass for being wonky about it. Don't you apologize for that or for questioning him about it. Fact is, if he hadn't pulled the crap that he did, you wouldn't be worried about it now would you?

Ellie has her sassy pants on today ladies!

And it's my Friday woot woot!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 3:34 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

HAHAHAHA! Ummmm.... he cheated on his wife. What about that sentence doesn't equal (fucking) IDIOT??? SMDH over here.

So true. So true. All of our cheaters are idiots.

HB - Yeah, him being unreachable for the foreseeable future is not ok. And you do NOT have to feel like an ass for being wonky about it. Don't you apologize for that or for questioning him about it. Fact is, if he hadn't pulled the crap that he did, you wouldn't be worried about it now would you?

Exactly! Tell him next time to let you know in advance with a simple text why he might be unavailable. My husband has been really good about letting me know where he's going and even if he has a meeting and can't reply to me right away. While I do feel bad that it has come to him having to do this, it does help. When I thanked him for always keeping in touch and letting me know where he was on his business trip last week, he said he understands that it is his responsibility. Damn straight! Maybe if I am still doing this 5 years from now I might feel like an ass. But definitely not right now.

I wanted to give a quick update on my daughter's situation. I have been talking with the anti-bullying specialist in her school. She and the Vice Principal have talked with the boy a lot the past few days. The VP also talked with the boy's parents. His parents are very upset and embarrassed about his behavior and will be speaking with him this evening, and wanted to impose a greater consequence. They would like him to apologize and the specialist suggested he write a letter to be given to my daughter by the counselor. Also, he was instructed not to be near any of her classes, and when they are with mutual friends after the school day ends, he should not interact with her but to maintain a respectful distance.

Hopefully this boy is learning his lesson.

GMC - I agree that the initial mapping is a "duh" thing, but also comforting to know that the trauma is not "in your head" but LITERALLY AFFECTING YOUR BRAIN! I am a little jealous that you have a racetrack. I just finished my 8th session today and I'll admit, flying things through a little ring gets old. Even if the thing changes every week. Today, a pig was flying - very fitting! You are also lucky that you can get near covered by insurance! Mine is out of pocket. He told me 2x a week is better - just because it's like any muscle exercise, the more repetition, the quickly your brain will learn. I really hope the processing of the rage works and helps - Lord knows I need to do that too! Keep us posted on all of it!

TallGirl - Fina-fucking-ly! Yay on getting your fridge. So glad your son is coming home for Thanksgiving. Watching our children hurt and not being able to fix them is a million times worse than hurting ourselves.

Daisy - The infidelity on every show is pretty unavoidable. I mean, fucking Growing Pains triggered me the other night. I also hate how many commercials there are for plan B. Reminds me that the cOWhore went and grabbed one on the way home from fucking my husband unprotected in a parking garage. I think the WSes don't quite know what to do. They don't know whether to ignore in case you ARENT triggered, but run the risk of being insensitive to triggers. Sorry you had that experience.

AmI - No worries about not cussing. I cuss less in real life than here, though I cuss more now than I ever have. There really is just a comfort in saying "fucking cOWhore" to SOMEONE, even if it's just typing it on the internet. A big hug to you on your son leaving. I'm sure it was both a moment of pride and anxiety. What a crazy story about him flipping his truck - so glad he was ok.

(((ELLIE)))) Weep away friend. That grief is devastating. Fuck all the Wednesdays. I hope Thursday has been better

Coco - Interesting that the counselor had y'all play those roles. I'm sure it was weird and emotional all at once. It's funny, I was just listening to the new Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard today - he had a psychologist, Lori Gottlieb on, and she said "you marry your unfinished business". I think that's kinda true. The dynamics we had in our childhood, we recreate in our adulthood. It's great that you guys are starting to learn how to really communicate together, even if he's not too sure about the counselor. I think figuring out that the other person may have a different perspective is something that really helps a relationship. (Prior to finding out about the sex, WH and I did a lot of work in the Enneagram and Love Languages and doing the Gottman stuff - to be able to see and empathize with the other person.)

heartbroken - Your behavior was not abnormal DO NOT feel dumb. Do not let apologize. It's your traumatized self trying to find secure footing. A remorseful WH will understand that. It might take some practice, but hopefully yours will too. It's not an attack, it is his CHANCE to show some empathy for the pain he's brought into his life. Pre-A you probably wouldn't have thought twice. Now, anything off is reason for your brain to start panicking. It will take time for you to learn to quell that, but only if he proves over and over that he is safe.

Daisy (again) Yay on forward progress with your daughter. I hope that the situation improves. Glad you all confronted it head on. If the boy learns his lesson, it will be valuable.

I'm having an okay day. Lots of long talks with WH in the past few days and I'm emotionally beat down. Just really not sure what to do. Our MC yesterday focused most of the hour on my WH and TBH, not super helpful in terms of our A. She said she'll come up with a plan for us next week. I hope she does, or my WH and I agree that we need to move on. We need someone to guide us forward. I spent most of my neurofeedback session daydreaming about going to the conference next year that my WH first fucked his cOWhore on. She is speaking next year. I want to confront her and make her uncomfortable. I want to stay in the same hotel and have her see me with my H and looking amazing. It's weird. I used to do this all of the time for the first year after DDay1 - dream of confronting her in the office or at the office party. But I never did. (I saw her twice at the office and just stared her down before she walked away). Now I feel stupid, bc had I known the truth I would have said something to her. I just want the chance to tell her in person what a piece of shit I think she is. I saw that she "celebrated" a common acquaintance on LinkedIn - who posted about the importance of INTEGRITY. I want to vomit ON her and call her a fraud publicly. Ugh. The hatred for OW has been reborn. I think it's time to print out another picture, write her a letter and burn it. Along with the photos of her on the bulletin board at the office - and that fucking chair....

Happy Fucking Thursday Womenz!

By the way, Chaos, I've been thinking about you...hope the anniversary was okay.

Just read where an asshat cheated on a lovely woman because her hair was too short and she was spending too much time parenting and working (in other words, being a fucking adult).

I swear to all that is holy, I would have shaved my motherfucking head. "IS IT STILL TOO SHORT, ASSHOLE??"

Why are people so awful?

DD, wow. Meanwhile i am sure this piece of shit is bald and ugly.

TX, its so hard before I love watching TV, especially with my husband. Why does every single show have to be able sex and so much infidelity?!! I am trying to get past it so we can enjoy your evenings together like we used to but certain ones I just can’t do yet.

I want to confront her and make her uncomfortable. I want to stay in the same hotel and have her see me with my H and looking amazing.

I would love to do this one day. I’ve never met the Psycho and I honestly don’t know what i would do if I ran into her. Right now, I’m just happy to keep updating my Facebook profile picture with me and my husband. Us together and happy. And i try to make sure you see his new wedding ring he has been wearing. He didn’t wear his original ring during the whole affair. I blocked her on Facebook but I guarantee she has made a fake account to stalk me. She is psycho after all.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 4:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

HAHAHAHA! Ummmm.... he cheated on his wife. What about that sentence doesn't equal (fucking) IDIOT??? SMDH over here.

Right?! That's exactly what I was thinking, especially since he claims he didn't see it coming until he was too deep. The MOW sent him a photo of, supposedly, her body in a bikini (no head) the first time they emailed. How fucking stupid do you have to be?

That's one of the things I want to bring up in counseling. I essentially lost all my respect for him when he cheated. He is an idiot. I also see him as very weak. It's so hard to not convey that when he does or says something stupid now.

OMG C+5N.... the stupid is strong with that one. I am gobsmacked.

And wtf does that mean - didn't see it until I was in too deep? Like, you were just toolin along minding your own business and suddenly (!) omg I'm in a strange vag!! How did that happen?!?

Whaaaaaaaat de FUUUUUUCK.

Just mouth open shaking my head...

DD, I saw that post. Disgusting!

HB, tell your CH that, next time, you would appreciate it if he let you know of that ahead of time.

My fch works in places where his phone doesn't work, or he can't take it in the building, or he just can't answer it. I can't call an office line to speak to him, because, if he can't answer, he can't answer.

One time my fch was out of town and I had to take my 15yo to the ER. I couldn't reach my fch. I finally called his unit and asked them if they could tell him what was happening since it was an emergency. I still never talked to him.

OMG C+5N.... the stupid is strong with that one. I am gobsmacked.

Again, right? I have always said I didn't marry him for his brains, but I had no idea how bad it was.

And wtf does that mean - didn't see it until I was in too deep? Like, you were just toolin along minding your own business and suddenly (!) omg I'm in a strange vag!! How did that happen?!?

He didn't see her initial emails as flirting and fishing. SMH! Then, he thought they were friends and she was helping him with his M. Yes, that's what he told me. They started sexting. He said he thought he could handle. He invited her over for dinner. He didn't want or expect sex even though they had been sexting for weeks. She gave him a bj. How tf did that happen?! He invited her over again, still not thinking he'd get sex. What a shocker when he found himself naked with his penis inside her vag! Did he fall? Did he slip? Where had his clothes gone?

It's all so fucking stupid, and insulting to me. Did he really think I would believe that shit. The only part of his story I believe is that he didn't have the intention of cheating when he sent her an email of a recipe she wanted.

Thank you guys. I did tell him to let me know next time and he has been better at keeping open communication throughout the day. He has a lot going on right now and I am trying to be understanding but he did make it more difficult on himself. He is the reason I am insecure now, not me. The more I understand this the better I can stand up for the things I want and expect from him. I have always kind of walked on egg shells around him hoping not to upset him, now I am learning to tell him what I need and honestly who cares if he doesn't like it. It sucks to have to get cheated on to build this character trait but at least I'm using it now I guess.

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

C+5N... riiiiight?

He invited her over for dinner. He didn't want or expect sex even though they had been sexting for weeks. She gave him a bj. How tf did that happen?! He invited her over again, still not thinking he'd get sex. What a shocker when he found himself naked with his penis inside her vag! Did he fall? Did he slip? Where had his clothes gone?

Cryyyyying laughing!!!!

HB honey I get the walking on eggs thing. But if you will take it from the sassy place I am in today... HE should be walking on eggs around YOU. HE should be crawling up his own ass to do what YOU need. HE should be very worried about making YOU upset. If he means it about healing you, then everything else is secondary. Including his job. And I reiterate - it's on HIM that the home front is not so good at the moment. Sending you many hugs and all the happy juju!!

HB, I agree with everything Ellie said.

Sassay!

My 8yo told me I was being sassy the other night. I have no idea where he got that. We don't use that word.

Doing laundry yesterday I found 2 condoms in my 15yo's pants pockets! I've always been open about sex. Talk about it and what it means, physically and emotionally. I've always told my boys to protect themselves regardless of what the other person says. At least he's listening to me, right?

Coco, yikes! Yes, at least he's being safe and listening to you. Did you ask him about the condoms?

So last night was rough. Probably TMI, but I need to get this out. Pre-A, once in awhile we will put on porn while we have sex. Last night he put it on. Right away I felt a trigger coming on. I wasn't watching porn stars on the screen, my "mind movies" starting playing and it was him and Psycho. I should have told him right away what I was feeling but I didn't. After 5 minutes into it, I started crying. Yep, mood killer and that was the end of that.

I could tell he was... upset? Disappointed? I told him that I just couldn't watch that, I just wanted it to be us. He said he understood but the mood was gone and he wanted to go to sleep.

This morning I could tell he still seemed off. We kissed and he went off to work. I texted him that I am sorry that last night was ruined (not sorry for getting upset, just for the night being ruined in general). He told me he understood and he tries to do his best. But he also needs space. He said sometimes being transparent and telling me everything every hour is tiring work and he doesn't want to deal. Then I noticed he took off his "Find My Friends". Well, I flipped my lid and told him I understand if he needs some space (in our house, like to be left alone) but if there is one thing I need for me to heal it is his transparency and need to know his location. He put it right back on.

I explained to him that all I want to do is heal, and he is helping me but it will be very slow. I will have some great days and then a bad day will come. I have been doing much better these last 2 weeks. I've only cried a few times, compared to every single night for the first month since finding out the whole truth.

Anyway, so now I am feeling like all I want to do is cry and stay in bed. At least it is Friday.

Daisy, what the hell? Wow, no empathy, no comprehension of what the fuck he did to you and your whole relationship. Like everything should just be cool and back to normal. His wife is traumatized by his actions and he's all butthurt about how that is inconvenient to him? Wow. You know what, if it's too hard and tiring for him, he can always GTFO. If he had ANY clue how hard this is for you, he would see that his wittle feelings are absolutely NOTHING in comparison.

I wish I could give you a big hug. This just sucks, I know.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:25 AM, October 4th (Friday)]

Thank you. I’m glad to hear I’m not overreacting. Usually he’s much more understanding and empathetic. I’m giving him a small pass for having a bad moment/day. Unfortunately no one can truly understand how a BS feels unless it happens to you. Sucks so much.

Daisy, I agree with DD. And he should have probably asked you before putting it on if it was going to be a trigger. I totally get it though.

My husband has been trying "new" things with me in bed. Which is fine. We've done them before when we were dating but not since we've been married. I keep asking myself if these are things he did with her and the reason why he stepped out in the first place. I am pretty much open to anything except bringing other people into our bed. Should I bring it up??? I just don't know.

Daisy shit like that makes me wanna do the "shoulda had a V8" head slap on him. Everything Dee said x2!! And no, you are absolutely not overreacting.

HB - If it's bugging you, you should absolutely bring it up. If you don't it will just fester and percolate until you completely lose your shit because you burned the bread in the oven (ask me how I know that).

I figured out why I was so weepy. Prob TMI, but my periodical showed up. It has not been regular for a loooong time and I have been without it for over a year. Showed up last night and I was like a-HA, this explains the weepiness and the fact that I was feeling homicidal. Well... more homicidal than usual anyways.

Happy Friday girls! Hope everyone is having a fabulous sparkly sassy day!