SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If the adultery is exposed in court system, will I lose my leverage there?

What leverage??? Courts don’t care about her cheating anymore (except in a few states)

Talk to your lawyer

You will not lose leverage. Although most courts don't take into account infidelity (no-fault), some judges will consider it especially if the cheating spouse is make unfair demands.

This is why you need to let the PI do his thing. This is also why you need to stay even-keeled during this process. Let her flail and be nasty. Keep a VAR on you to record conversations with her (discreetly) and buy another one to place in her car. This is where you will likely get a recording of her talking to her AP.

That's how I got my evidence. I didn't even have to use in court. I just told her I have a recording and brought it up any time my XWW was making unreasonable demands throughout the D.

You need to remove all emotion when dealing with her. Continue walking away when she either gets nasty or tries to love-bomb you. This is a business transaction, pure and simple. Don't yell or raise your voice. Be cold yet polite.

I just can't believe how evil some people can be. To cheat, then plan to fake stay for longer to try to get as much as she can then leave for a boy toy.

There are lots of these people out of there. They even have their own forums where they brag about it.

Opened my eyes to see how many people enjoy this sick twisted lifestyle.

And I married one of them...

In my opinion, the reason she keeps asking you about the ‘horrible’ information is for her damage control.

I too think she is well aware at this time that you indeed do know about her A......

BUT she does not know exactly WHAT you have discovered.....so she is feeling unsure about how she should craft her bullshit propaganda campaign to shift blame to you.

Ideally, she would like to be able to design her flurry of crappola to address each of the facts you have discovered and might potentially share with others in an exposure.

But she doesn’t have that info, so she keeps trying to suck you into an argument where you may (probably will) blurt out your evidence in anger as she starts to gaslight/deny.

Then she would have her game plan for convincing others that you are psycho jealous, etc, and totally misrepresenting what happened.......in other words blow smoke at others to cover up her guilt and make you out as a crazy nutjob she is running away from.

Is the way to beat this is to tell my friends that we are divorcing because she had an affair?

SO best way for this info is to keep with me forever so she will have to agaonize it forever.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 2:51 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

If you tell people then you get the truth across to them rather than her version of events. It’s best for you to tell them so that you can protect yourself, your reputation and so people understand what she has done. At the moment, it just looks like your divorcing her because you aren’t happy anymore.

You are holding onto the truth of the affair as a secret, but I’m not sure why. Unless it’s advised by the lawyer - you’d be better blowing the affair up, tell the AP spouse if he has one, tell your families but importantly tell your wife that you know. Do you have a PI on her?

I have PI on her now. I like the other answer, if I confront her she will just make bunch of bs answers. Then she will use the info I give to blow smoke to other people that I was neurotic and accusing her of cheating.

She needs to know what I know to have bs story to confront it.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 3:25 PM, August 24th (Monday)]

Yeah, if you have a PI on her then it’s wise to wait and let them gather the evidence. Then you can tell people what she has done and that you can prove it.

Never be afraid to tell people the truth.

Why wouldn't you tell them you were divorcing as a result of her infidelity?

Just be straightforward and matter-of-fact about it when you explain it to people.

Stay strong, brother. I'm sorry you are at this point, but things will get better.

best to sit tight and let the PI get his job done.

It’s good you have the PI on her. Since she planned to scam you for whatever she could before leaving, the Pi might be able to discover some other sketchy behaviors of hers that you can use for the divorce.

I think she is now playing mindgames. While we wait for her to get served. She puts on the headset, talks loudly laughing. Making sure I hear her, but you can't hear who she is talking too. Too many mind games, can't wait to unleash lawyers and pi on her.

Brother, time for your big boy pants. Pull them up.

This disrespect at home has gone way too long.

You know what needs to be said and by whom.

One day at a time

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:06 AM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

By doing this she knows i know about the affair. But she needs to what extent so she can respond to it. If i ever bring it out to her, I will not tell her the details 3xcept I know it. I need the attorneys and pi to get the details to use it against her.

If i ever bring it out to her, I will not tell her the details 3xcept I know it.

And why exactly would you bring it out to her, other than when you finally file?

She will know i KNow about her cheating. SHe wont know the things I have so she can keep wondering what I have so she cannot spin it to the world to make it work in her favor.

VonB,

You're letting her take up way too much of your head space.

If you've already filed, literally ignore her and start thinking about life beyond already your broken marriage.

Forget about what she's thinking or how she'll react or what she'll say next or what she thinks you know..... It's wasted head space.

You can only control you. If she's got questions ONLY ABOUT THE D you can let your lawyer answer them. Otherwise assume that any exchange with her is just her attempt to fish for information or manipulate you in some way.

Shut it down. It stops when you say it stops.

I know she is manipulating me big time. SHe keeps saying no lawyer, they cost too. Why don't she and I sit down and discuss who gets what and sign.

I shook my head and I said will get my lawyer to look at it and nogotiate. Now I know why she doens't want me to do Lawyer. She doens't want all her hidden accounts and dirty stuff she is doing out in the open. ALso the affair too.