SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nothing justifies cheating. You were both in the same failing marriage. You didn't cheat. She did. Cheating solves nothing. It only creates bigger problems.

By the same token, the D should not be viewed as something punitive. It will be viewed by the courts as a fair and equitable division of conjugal assets with particular attention paid to the wellness of any minors the two of you have and are taking care of. That's it, plain and simple.

If she's hiding stuff or is trying to mastermind a scheme to unfairly take you for all you are worth, this will all be sorted out and should be duly noted to the courts. Once again, this is why it's important to let your PI (forensic and/or otherwise) do their work.

It's not about "going hard" at her. It's about not letting her getting away with anything more than she is legally entitled to. It's about protecting your kids and yourself. Yes, you will feel like you want your "pound of flesh". What's more important is that you walk away from this with your integrity intact.

Once she is served she is going to ratchet things up even more. She'll start begging for another chance, probably show up naked in the middle of the night offering sex. Don't fall for any of it.

Hard 180 her. Don't take the bait. Simply see her for who she is and act accordingly.

Integrity intact. What do you mean by that?

I felt my Integrity was taken advantage of, she is probably telling everyone what a terrible husband I was. She tried to clean me out before filing for divorce. She basically lied to me with the cheating.

I feel if I expose her to the world with her cheating, lies, manipulation, it keeps my integrity intact.

She did send pictures of what looks like divorce forms in a binder. This shows she was already planning for divorce. Also, shows she is sending me message, get going with the divorce. I wanted to email back, the server can't find you, are you at your bfs

10 year marriage was all a fraud. She stayed with me until we have kkds and they are old enough. In the meantime, the boring me will be the provider while she goes out having affairs to have he fun

She even told.me the other day, afterwards we can still go out very now and then acting like parents so the kids can see mommy and daddy together, so they can grow up thinking mommy and daddy are together.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 6:44 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

I feel if I expose her to the world with her cheating, lies, manipulation, it keeps my integrity intact.

People like your wife often use character assassination to justify their cheating to themselves as well as to sustain their positive image amongst their friends and family. By now you must reckon with the fact that a smear campaign has most probably been going on behind your back for some time and some of the fallout could impact your professional life.

Unless you have irrefutable evidence and unless its absolutely necessary, I would advise caution with exposing her too soon. If my assumption is correct, your reputation has already been tarnished, you aren't simply aware of it yet. If you lose your cool and start frantically defend it with anything which is short of watertight, it could rebound on you. It's usually the guilty party that feels an irresistible need to fight back accusations, so your actions could plant the seed of doubt in some folks, or worse, fuel the rumours about you as a deranged husband who won't go away in peace. Be careful about who you talk to and what you say.

She even told.me the other day, afterwards we can still go out very now and then acting like parents so the kids can see mommy and daddy together, so they can grow up thinking mommy and daddy are together.

I hope you let her know in no uncertain terms that it would not happen. My XWW tried the same bullshit of "we can still be friends". I told her we would be co-parents, but we would NOT be friends. She is a liar and treats people poorly. Not someone I would want to be friends with.

As far as an investigation, I would certainly keep all options open. You have to do what is best for you and your children. Your STBXWW is no longer your concern. She fired you from that job. If introducing evidence of her participation in a crime helps you in the D, you should certainly consider it.

Smear campaign

Thats why I hate it so bad. I know she already started a smear campaign against me.

I am supposed to stay quiet while she bashes me and tell everyone I am the deranged husband who won't go quietly. So I am supposed to.keep quiet, let her have every thing let her badmouth me, and go quietly with her new happy life.

Thats why I hate it so bad. I know she already started a smear campaign against me.

I am supposed to stay quiet while she bashes me and tell everyone I am the deranged husband who won't go quietly. So I am supposed to.keep quiet, let her have every thing let her badmouth me, and go quietly with her new happy life.

You have every right to be frustrated and angry, but do your best not to act out on your emotions. The sad truth is that cheaters always have a head start over their BS and it's yet another aspect of the shit sandwich we are served. I have reasons to believe that "my" smear campaign took a couple of years to gain momentum. A few years ago a mutual friend blurted out something that made me realise my ex had been discussing my family's mental health issues with her. At the time I was somewhat taken aback, but didn't make a song and dance about it and chalked it up to my ex's carelessness. In retrospect I think it could've been an instance of "villification by proxy".

The truth is the level of deception, manipulation, and pure evilness your WW has been using makes me a little afraid for you to go fire and brimstone on her. When you first posted it seemed to me that you were walking on eggshells around her… I kind of get why you were doing it now. Please confirm you have a VAR that you will keep on you at all times. She seems to be trying to push your buttons, trying to get you to react.

Let the PI do his stuff. When you get it you can decide what to do with the information. Outing her now is only going to make her hide her tracks even more. Practice the 180 read it over and over again and follow what it says while you wait.

She even told.me the other day, afterwards we can still go out very now and then acting like parents so the kids can see mommy and daddy together, so they can grow up thinking mommy and daddy are together.

What did you reply to this insanity?

Why not have her served at her boyfriends? Do you have his address?

I’m not saying you shouldn't expose the affair to family/friends. I just think you need to wait until you have the type of evidence that she will not be able to talk her way out of. Also, She seems volatile so make sure you expose at the right time.

I’d also check my finances if I were you. It sounds like she has been planning this for a long time and might have been putting money aside. Are their any other assets that she might have taken and stowed?

The truth is the level of deception, manipulation, and pure evilness your WW has been using makes me a little afraid for you to go fire and brimstone on her. When you first posted it seemed to me that you were walking on eggshells around her… I kind of get why you were doing it now.

She certainly doesn't seem like your ordinary, garden-variety cheater. I'm not the kind of person to immediately jump on the "everyone-is-a-narcissist" bandwagon, but in this instance I think there are more psychological issues at play than the usual cake-eating/exit-affair/external-validation cheater problems.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:18 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Wait until you have solid evidence from your PI with at least a couple of days worth of info. Then EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends, based on what you have posted your WW seems to be the type that will try to get as much as possible from you regardless of what you do.

Having her served at her BF's would be a pretty boss move, just saying.

That'd be a fun thing to tell your friends and family.

Your integrity is intact because you didn't lie or betray your spouse. You held to your moral principles. Her, not at all.

Change the narrative and you can change your perspective.

Yes, she did awful things to you and your kids. Now you're taking your power back by removing this cancer from your life.

Let her say whatever she wants b/c she will. But a well-timed response like “gee I thought we divorced so she could marry the guy she had on the side” can be more effective. Or “it’s too bad I had to track her down at her BF’s place to serve the Divorce papers”.

A good friend was married to a complete narcissist. He told everyone his wife was terrible and she was a horrible mother. It’s too bad for him we all learned he was a serial cheater and no one ever believed his wife was a “bad” person.

People are not that dumb and gullible. I would not focus on what she says.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:53 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

My ex smeared me with some people who live in another town. He excluded me from the group, and I was stupid to not be suspicious. He cheated twice with people in that town.

I found out shortly after d-day that my ex had been smearing me with those people. A friend of mine told me that before she met me, she had heard from them that I was kind of awful. And then she met me and was confused because she liked me so much.

Unfortunately, you can’t control what people think, but in general, quality people will figure out what’s what.

The more you can keep from your wife, the better. Or at least don’t let her know everything that you know. The more concerned she is about what you might expose, the better off you will be in the negotiations.

I was getting update from PI, and they he said got to go quickly and hung up Just said she had a skeleton staff today in the office. Hopefully she is geting served today and heads over to bf to talk about it

I know about the we go out together like family so kids think we are still family. I looked at her and go what is she talking about it. I will have grudge against her the rest of my life. I have lost all respect for her and trust. Why would I want to come back and act like we are still together in front of the kids.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 3:59 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Pi said he hadn't found anything the last 2 days. She has been acting normal. Her attorney probably telling her keep it on the lowdown

I feel like people on this board. Nail her. These dang cheaters take advantage of your niceness, respect, and lie to you . They think you are stupid.

Absolutely correct!!

In my case I want to her give her a gift of

of exposing hidden bank accounts and money laundering investigation

I know others frown upon it, but going nuclear was sooooooo therapeutic for me!!!! She didn’t know I knew when she was served! She destroyed the (piece of fiction) life I thought I had, so I gave her the matches to burn her reputation, profession, and life to the ground. While there are times I look at her and feel sorry for what she has become, many more times I will reflect on it all and smile.

DEFCON 1 is sometimes warranted.

Did everyone who got cheated on feel this way too. I feel so numb and sad, I don't care about anything. Hurricane coming in and its almost like I don't even care.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 7:27 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

In my case I want to her give her a gift of

of exposing hidden bank accounts and money laundering investigation

Why not? I get that people may have differing opinions on the idea of getting revenge on an EXWS but where they are committing a crime or doing something fraudulent - well it can’t ever really be wrong to expose criminal activity.

Did everyone who got cheated on feel this way too. I feel so numb and sad, I don't care about anything. Hurricane coming in and its almost like I don't even care.

Yeah, I absolutely did. I think it’s totally normal, especially since when you find out your brain and body are working overtime to process the trauma - it’s like the downtime afterwards. You do come out of it and make it through is the only advice I can give - hold on and look after yourself.

Did everyone who got cheated on feel this way too. I feel so numb and sad, I don't care about anything. Hurricane coming in and its almost like I don't even care.

Yes, most if not all did. This is why this forum exists: not only to offer insight and advice, but also to show people they're not alone in their suffering. Strength to you.