SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Bigmamma, we are doing OK. Thank you for checking. I have not checked in on this thread in a little bit and I apologize. Thanks for all the advice and replies.

In a nutshell WH is using every manipulation tactic he possibly can to try to get me to respond to him, including faking a heart attack and texting me from a different number pretending to be a friend of his. He's blasted me on social media a few times. Lied about me to many. My daughter came home with her phone this past weekend and it had Spyware as I suspected. Password that I don't have to look at anything.
So it's outside turned off at the moment. The 2 oldest boys did not go to visitation this past weekend. Their decision. Wh was not happy about that. There were a few days the insanity of everything got to me. I stayed off my phone much of the time bc of it. But overall the kids and I are ok. And thank you for checking on us. I will check in tomorrow and update.

You have evidence,in the form of messages,texts,and voice-mails, that he continuously violates the restraining order. Why aren't you taking the evidence to the police, and telling them you want them to enforce the RO?

That phone? Give it to your attorney. Pretty sure the Spyware violates the RO. And,no child should be given a phone,that their mother doesn't have the password.

Regardless, the Spyware is going to cause him problems..and it needs to..or this will continue for years. He has a RO,yet he's taken measures to spy on you in your home.

As for social media,and his lies. If it were me,I would make one post,telling my truth..we are no longer together because of repeated infidelity, and his repeated domestic violence. And I would also block him,his family, and his friends.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:32 PM, Wednesday, February 8th]

In a nutshell WH is using every manipulation tactic he possibly can to try to get me to respond to him, including faking a heart attack and texting me from a different number pretending to be a friend of his. He's blasted me on social media a few times. Lied about me to many. My daughter came home with her phone this past weekend and it had Spyware as I suspected. Password that I don't have to look at anything.
So it's outside turned off at the moment. The 2 oldest boys did not go to visitation this past weekend. Their decision. Wh was not happy about that. There were a few days the insanity of everything got to me. I stayed off my phone much of the time bc of it. But overall the kids and I are ok. And thank you for checking on us. I will check in tomorrow and update.

Have you had a chance to speak with your attorney about this continued attempts to break a restraining order? Judges do not take kindly to abusive men flaunting their orders so brazenly and flippantly. Make sure you let a judge know that not only is he not following it, he is trying to use your children to spy on his wife after a judge put a restraining order in place. This man is as dangerous as the heart attack he faked. There are clearly no boundaries he cannot gleefully blast right through.

Hey guys thanks for the advice.
Hellfire you are so right on everything. I love your straight forward, no bs approach. You're my hero. So I tried to report the violations today and was advised after a TON of runaround and being told to calm down a lot that wh has not been formally served with the oop I personally filed. I don't understand what is going on. I'm so drained. Physically and mentally. After all the runaround and a LOT of tears today I did find out that he has one in place from his arrest so technically he is in violation. I will need to go to the sheriff's office and take out a warrant. I'm in shock and feeling really defeated today. My attorneys father died Friday so she will not be IN until Monday. Her secretary and the stand in attorney have tried to advise and help as much as possible until then regarding the phone wh gave daughter, violations, etc. They advised to make a police report as well. That's when i was told they have no record of him being served. It makes 0 sense bc we were in court on the 17th. The sheriff's office said bc he's in another county, and I said "but he was In YOUR courtroom the 17th. His lawyer works right across the street." I called the day before court and was told he HAS been served so I don't understand. Also, WH was quiet today for the first time in 2 weeks. He was blowing my phone up all day multiple times a day until today. The first time he called today was when I was on the phone with the sheriff's office the first time. Coincidence? I have no clue but I don't like whatever is going on. I'm so drained. I am going to attempt to file the warrant tomorrow. Thanks for checking in on me. I appreciate ALL of you.

Kb I am so sorry that you're having to go through all this. I can only imagine how draining and defeating it is. We are all here rooting for you, I know that doesn't take away the exhaustion you are feeling, but we are in your corner as much as we can be. Hopefully you can get more of this sorted out when you take out the warrant.

Thank you Nomud. And thank you everyone else as well. I appreciate all of you.

I went to the courthouse and filed a "contempt order" or something like that on WH for the contact and threats. I swear this county being small things are so weird here. I was in tears frustrated bc i kept hearing different things from each person I spoke to. Here's how it all went.

I called the police. They told me an officer could come out and make the report or I could come down there to do so. I advised I'd rather come down there bc my children are here and also I don't trust the neighbor wh was Buddy buddy with. The kids are still freaked out by police being here after that night. Nothing against officers, just the whole situation made them nervous. Anyway they told me which office to go.

My mom came to sit with the kids and I went. Inside the courthouse there is a sheriff's office. I walked in there and the officer advised to go to the clerks office to fill out the report, so I did.

At clerks office the actual judge was behind the counter in plain clothes. I recognized his face bit didn't realize who he was until much later. I asked how to report someone breaking order of protection. He advised I'd need to fill out the order of contempt and he advised he'd grab someone to help.

The lady came up and handed me a notepad and advised me to write down how WH had violated. That they would then make a copy and I would mail it to WH. (Wtf?!)

Confused still, I obliged. I sat and wrote a general description of how wh has violated oop. Signed. And took back to the counter.

At this point.the main county clerk was at the desk and she was seemingly confused at the process at first too. She said "contempt order for oop violation?!" I said "that's what they said. "

So she made copies and came to talk to me. She asked if I wanted to come to court on February 16th since our next official court date isn't until March. I agreed. She stated him violating is serious and he will probably be arrested. I was In tears bc I don't want all this madness.. I don't want to send him to jail.. I just wish he could be a good human and follow rules. So I left courthouse and went next door to the courthouse and mailed the contempt order to wh certified mail. It will arrive Monday, thankfully after kids visit this Weekend.

This has all been so crazy. I have emailed everything to my attorney who is supposed to be back Monday. That's a whole other issue. I understand her father died but her stand in this week has not been very helpful at all.

Wh has stopped messaging as of today. Which makes me think he has a little birdie somewhere telling him stuff. Mil messaged asking me and my mother to send all kids this weekend bc "WH isn't doing well and needs to see them". I felt so bad doing that today. Im not the type of person that enjoys that stuff. But I have a feeling they (inlaws and wh) have something planned. One of the last messages I got yesterday from him basically stated "i better wake up or I'll learn what it's like to be without the kids like I've made him experience. And despite what I do to him, he has given what he needs to and instructed his parents what to do. They will never stop fighting to be in the kids lives"

I have never tried to prevent them from seeing their grandchildren. In fact they see them more now that wh and I split up. Mil used to basically refuse to watch all 5 while we went to a movie. And if she agreed it was texts saying the youngest was fussy, etc the entire time.

Thanks for listening and for the support.

Document everything and save that message. Don't respond. You're doing what you have to to protect yourself and your kids. It feels bad because, unlike him, you have empathy.

I agree that there's something up their sleeves, and I bet it's going to be underhanded and slanderous. Take record of everything, especially with someone who has no qualms stepping over a restraining order and sending you borderline threatening messages.

Sending you virtual hugs.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 12:40 AM, Saturday, February 11th]

Hi KB!

Hope you are hanging in there and moving forward with your future.

Any updates? How are you doing and what has your attorney said? Hope you're doing ok!

Hey guys sorry it's been a little bit since I've checked in. Last Friday I sent the "motion for contempt " to WH as instructed by the court here. Our court date was supposed to be yesterday buy the letter has bot even been delivered yet. It was sent from a courthouse 20 minutes from his address but for some reason went to a town hours away and as of right now is lost in transit. Now we know why postal charges keep increasing I Guess? At this point i have to laugh. I found it ridiculous I had to mail a letter to him anyway. "Let's make the victim mail the abuser a letter in her own handwriting to further piss him off! "

None of it makes sense. I did speak with my lawyer Tuesday who is working on the divorce and also advised me to record everything. She didn't understand the motion for contempt either and is trying to get to the bottom of everything. WH is still messaging. I. Just ignoring, recording, and trying to enjoy life.

The kids and I got our TV hung above the fireplace all by ourselves the other day. Not huge but we were proud of ourselves. Ive been working on home projects again I had lost motivation to do. All is well currently. Thanks for all the support.

Glad to hear your lawyer is back and hopefully on top of the ro stuff!

Hi KB. Any updates? What has your lawyer said or done since she's come back? Is your ex, and the in laws,still in manipulation mode or have they realized you're done playing by THEIR rules?

KB, are you still with us?

Hi guys I'm still here. Im sorry for not checking in lately. I've had so much going on.

I'll try to summarize the best I can.

Yesterday I woke up to messages from an odd number stating WH is "messing around with" my neighbor and paying her to spy on me. This neighbor is a drug addict. Lost her kids because of it. I didn't care much about the Message. Wh has changed his number and messaged so many times I have gotten used to ignoring them. I didn't respond. I was working on flooring in my daughters room. My mom was here helping me clean out junk and other things. While outside cutting flooring we overheard said neighbor arguing with her boyfriend. He takes off walking down the road. Wh is messaging as always and I'm just ignoring. Eventually I look at my phone and there are several messages from WH stating the neighbors boyfriend is crazy and I need to get the kids inside. He then says "he's walking by the house right now!"

This creeped me out big time. I have not had much luck with the legal system so far. Things not being filed properly. Motions getting sent and lost in the mail. People acting like what he's been doing isn't a big deal. I have kind of just been discouraged. But I called my attorney after this message, told secretary what he said, and she advised she'd call back shortly. Hours go by. My other neighbors that were friends with WH keep staring down this way. I called attorney back and was advised she'd already left. I advised secretary that I understand her father just died and she's busy, but I have emergency situations happening with my kids and need representation, and If she is too busy to take my case she needs to return my retainer so I can hire someone that has time for mine. Attorney immediately called back. She advised to call police again and refuse to send "motion of contempt", instead demand they take actual report. Also my divorce will be ready to file Friday. So I met officer down the street away from the house. The order of protection I personally filed STILL hasn't been served to WH. But the one from his arrest is in place so he's violating. The officer also thought it to be very strange it hasn't been filed yet. He made the report and said I can pick it up Thursday.

Also waking up yesterday "someone ' drained my bank account on ps4 charges. Over $800 worth at 3 am while kids and I were sleeping. I've already contacted my bank to report the fraud. This account WH is NOT on. And over $500 in Tennessee is a felony. Oddly enough wh sent messages at 3 am only minutes before the charges started. And whoever drained my account changed the email afterwards so I cannot login.. I am meeting with the bank tomorrow and also filing charges.

On to the next creepy thing. Wh had messaged saying "since the TV obviously isn't in daughters room anymore I want it back". Later the Screensaver on that TV popped up and there were pictures of handwritten letters from WH on the TV! Saying stuff like "let me see my_ kids, this is wrong" "this isn't right. Have kidscall me now" etc. I took pictures and unplugged the TV immediately.

Today was the follow-up for dcs to visit. This time a man and woman came. I told them everything happening. They interviewed each kid alone with my permission. They told me that they are making a referral for drug screening, mental health evaluation, and state supervised visits for WH based on what the kids told them and the stuff I showed them. They also told me they advise not to have the kids call him bc of his mental state. My attorney sent a draft of the divorce already and it looks better than expected. I am going to sign tomorrow.

I feel like that sums up the past few days pretty well. Wh also contacted one of my best friends and tried to get her to talk to him.. she blocked him.. he also posted all kinds of crap on Facebook. But those are the main things.

I finally feel heard in this whole situation and feel like we may get ome of our peace back. I definitely keep you all updated. Thanks so much for checking on me. You all have seriously helped me keep my sanity and keep fighting through all this. Thank you guys so much.

I'm so sorry KB that you're having to deal with all of this crazy. I really hope things get better quickly and that he has to face some consequences for what he's doing. I want nothing more than for you and your kids to have some peace from all this.

Alright. Let's bream some of this down.

The neighbor. He's having an affair with her,in order to get info from her. Her boyfriend has made threats against your children,either to him,or through the OW. Or he wants you to think he has,because he gets off on your fear.

The Screensaver on the tv. He is very obviously spying. It is not coincidence that your account was charged $800 at the same time those charges occurred. He has Spyware on your phone. It's probably been there for a long time. You have the account on your phone? So he has the password, and access to that account. He probably has the information for the TV through your phone as well. That didn't just randomly happen. Maybe the police can sweep your home for a device that he is using to spy on you?

If you can,get rid of the phone. If not,do a factory reset. Change all passwords to something he doesn't know,and use a different password for each account.

Do not send the kids over there. Right now,with no custody order in place, he has a right to keep them.

It is not your children's job to prop him up,because he's not doing well. And his mental state,plus repeated violations of the RO are very good reasons to keep the children from him. Their safety is priority one.

Stop feeling bad that he will be arrested. His actions got him arrested. His actions are alarming,and unhinged. He needs to be arrested.

Until he is arrested,can you all go live with your mom for awhile? Her house isn't bugged,and it would be safer for all of you.

If the cops won't scan your home for a listening/recording device, you can purchase something on Amazon,to do it yourself.

Again, I think the Spyware on your phone has been there for a long time. Long before he moved out. I also think there are cameras in your home,that have been there a long time.

He knows too much for this not to be true.

This creep continues to find new ways to disgust me with his behavior...and I can only imagine how tough this is on you and your babies if it is making my blood boil from thousands of miles away.

If he has access to your TV, that means he can remotely access your home network. Just a question, would it be safe to assume he setup your home network? I mean, I have all smart TVs, 7 of them in fact, as I don't subscribe to any traditional cable or satellite providers, it is all streaming, which means the device has to be connected to the internet so your TVs are connected via ethernet cable or wifi.

Hellfire also brought up a good point, if he has cameras hidden throughout your home, they would need power and some sort of connectivity be it wifi or ethernet. There are some PoE (Power over Ethernet) cameras out there that get their connectivity and electricity from a single ethernet cable plugged into the back of the camera, but it would be pretty hard to conceal a PoE camera, because you would have to run ethernet cables to it and that would also require a PoE switch connected to your home network somewhere, pretty hard to miss. It is more likely that they cameras are battery powered and connected via wifi. The easiest thing to do for now is to pull the plug on the internet at your house, but I realize with school today it is almost impossible.

If he has a keylogger or some sort of spyware on your phone, the phone is not going to help you much in getting out of this whole thing. If you are anything like most of us, you use your phone to setup all devices around the house, including setting up smart TVs on the wifi. My original suggestion would be, find your ISP (Internet Service Provider) and change the password to the wifi network, but if he can log all your keystrokes, he will have access to all that stuff. Hence, why I say that it looks like it may be time for a phone upgrade. Once you get a new phone you can migrate only contacts over, maybe your phone carrier or the store you get the phone can help you make sure that only the bare minimum comes over from the old phone so that you can at the very least eliminate that as a possibility. I suppose you could accomplish this with what you know is a clean phone from a relative or friend that your husband has never had a chance to be alone with long enough to install his spyware. Changing your passwords on these things so he doesn't have any access. I think it would be wise to act as though everything you are doing right now is being watched, whether the physical in person stuff or anything you do in the digital world. If he doesn't have physical access to your house, that means he has the ability to remotely access your network and all devices in the home and you gotta find a way to cut him off, like I said, disconnecting internet service at the home immediately would cut him off. I guess I could entertain the possibility that he installed a wireless hotspot to provide service to the house so he can spy in, and it can be done, but that is a level of sophistication that seems unlikely given how hamfisted your husband is.

If you can upgrade your phone,you don't necessarily need wifi at home. We live in an area where we can get decent internet service. We have a phone plan, with AT&T,with unlimited Hotspot. We are able to stream,game,school work,etc,etc,with zero issue.

It would stand to reason that she who controls the router controls the wi-fi. Replacing your router might be one alternative. That way, it's yours and you know you have the latest security features. Even resetting the password on your current router would disable any hidden surveillance equipment which might depend on internet connectivity.

It would stand to reason that she who controls the router controls the wi-fi. Replacing your router might be one alternative. That way, it's yours and you know you have the latest security features. Even resetting the password on your current router would disable any hidden surveillance equipment which might depend on internet connectivity.

100% agreed, but if he has access to her phone and say she uses her phone to access the router settings and make that change, while it does create a couple of hurdles for him, any IT savvy person could go through and update the SSID and password for their remotely connected devices like cameras and the like. I say that because I'm operating under the assumption that the aforementioned arsehole has access to her smart phone through some sort of keylogger or spyware setup and so if she changes the wifi password from her phone or take any other security measures from that phone, he can see the changes you are making and adjust accordingly...setting off a sort of cat and mouse game...I like to think of myself as an exterminator who snuffs out the rats with poison and leave my cat sleeping in the corner (like he always does, my cat is lazy as hell, wouldn't kill a mouse if his life depended on hit, he's afraid of his own shadow).